Tonight

Tonight, it almost happened. Tonight, I controlled myself. I directed my thoughts towards cinematic entertainment instead of allowing them to manifest into something terrible.

Tonight, I didn't do what my brain told me to do. So why the fuck am do I feel so much regret? What the hell is wrong with me?

It's as though there's this constant trail of regret wherever I go. I understand people believe that we don't control our fate and everything happens for a reason. And a part of me agrees. But the other part of me wants to be happy and I'm starting to think I never will be if I stay where I am. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

What the fuck am I doing?

Missing

Who knew I'd miss my family as much as I do. I miss my mother's sarcasm and waking up to the sound of children yelling while their mother, my sister, tells them to sit down, be quiet, and eat their breakfast. I miss being woken up and hating it (but secretly adoring it). I miss the smell of a well cleaned home and the smell of it being dirty five minutes later. My nostalgia runs deep and I believe the father with the ridiculously cute daughter behind me is to blame. His parenting makes me crave what I, regrettably, took for granted. A mother that I thought cared too much when, realistically, could not have cared more if she tried. A sister that would expose said love and care by picking on my mistakes. Or so I thought.

Kirra picking on my faults and moments of weakness was her way of saying "Goddamnit, why dont you see that you deserve more than you believe you do". I didnt see that. Honestly, I couldn't. I saw what I wanted to see. I was stuck dreaming and believing that maybe, life would work out like a fairytale. That maybe if I wished hard enough, I'd get whatever ending that I thought I wanted - though I'm not sure what that was.

My mother is the closest thing to perfect. Were it possible to achieve, she'd be the epitome. Her smiles and laughter and shoulder as she cries with you during what you think is the worst thing possible, I took that for granted too. I took a lot of things for granted. I guess that's why I dont fight it anymore. I dont see the point.

What's the point in fighting feelings of love and admiration? I love my family. I feel out of place here but i know if I went back, I'd take it for granted all over again. There would be no understanding or growth, just back pedaling. I dont want to do that. I want to live and dwell in a place that my niece and nephew can learn and appreciate and stop and take a breath to see how great life is/can be.

I lack a family here in Maryland and it hurts so fucking much some days. As I type this, I hear a family singing 'happy birthday' to their loved ones. And as much as it hurts, I guess its kind of welcome. I guess it makes me appreciate what I still have. I guess I love them more and more each day than I ever thought a person was capable of doing.

Fuck

I'm just tired of being bad at the things I try really hard to be good at.

I could list them, they're fresh in my memory as most are recent...but I'm not going to do that.

"My thoughts are stars that I cannot fathom into contellations."

I haven't written much this year, even though I've had plenty to write about. I've had many things to say but wasn't exactly sure how to say them so I let them pass. I feel like I let a lot of things pass. Good, bad, the great, the terrible. That's okay. This isn't meant to be some deep bullshit article that opens the dialogue into my newer soul. Instead, here's just a few things that have happened over the past few months. It will go up, it will go down, it will.

Well, Phil passed, like I stated in my previous entry. Glen passed away about 3 weeks later. He suffered. He did not die with pride or peace. Regardless, the pain stopped. I came home for the memorial and my family seemed empty. He and I lacked a great history but his presence was known and oddly welcome. Once it was gone, so was a space kept. My mother has been getting better and better since then but she's still not 100%. About a month later, a coworker I had grown very close to, whom of which kind of became my father figure, passed away from cancer. That hurt like hell but his pain was gone too.

That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

Bad things come in three's and I accepted it. Now, good things are happening. I'm getting a raise at my day job and I started my second job. Now, the second job may not be lasting long. I found another one that is closer to home and with much less drama. I also don't have to pay for parking and that's a plus.

See, I've gone through the great times and the worst times this year. I went through pain I had forgotten I'd felt. But I'm so damn grateful for having those moments. I'm so happy I've felt the pain of death and heartbreak. And I'm so proud to have met the people that caused it.

I'm getting older now and I'm starting to realize things I never even thought about. The many times I thought I was right but I was wrong. All the past reactions I had compared the way I react now. The person I was when I was younger is so very different from me now but I love it. I love the person I was then. I love the person I am now. The past is always good at making the present and the present will make the future. It's exciting.

I miss my past as much as I know I'll miss this moment some day. I'll miss the moment that I'm currently enduring; sitting on the couch watching The Fault In Our Stars with tears rolling down my cheeks because this movie is so fucking sad in the most beautiful way.

I'm lucky because I have things and people and moments to miss. I look forward to missing even more.

And if by chance you're reading this, yes the common you, I want you to know that I understand. I understand so well what happened all those years ago and why you did what you did, along with how you did it. Just thought you should know that I understand. And thanks, by the way. Seriously.

Well, this is all I got right now. Aside from school and work, there's not much going on right now. Laura and I are saving up to go to Europe either next year or the year after. After I'm done getting my bachelors and she her masters, we plan on moving to New York together. We'd like to live there for a few years and then perhaps move to Europe and start a life there. I'm not sure if this will go exactly as planned but it's a beautiful and wonderful plan.

See ya.
-Kels

The World Stops For No One

It was unexpected and familiar. A feeling in my gut that I couldn't place even though it had once been felt before. Then the call came. Today I found out that my uncle Phil died on Saturday. According to his girlfriend, he fell in the tub. I'm not sure how true that is but I suppose it doesn't really matter. A man I loved is gone. Another one. Glen is dying too. In just a week he went from being talkative and joking around, to being confused and unable to speak. He's still here though.

And I'm in Maryland. Stuck. Waiting for the call to come that Glen is gone too and it's time for me to come home. My family is falling apart and my mother has slipped into a deep depression. And there's nothing I can do about any of it.

But holy shit does it hurt.

Pestilence

That's all I feel like I am to her. Sometimes, that all I feel like she is to me. Poison. But then, it changes. Suddenly, you're the remedy and I'm the antidote. We become healers and the room lights up with laughter. Then, it fades. It goes back to that looming darkness full of unnecessary resentment. Then, I take a look around and it's not only her. It's them. The people in the streets that laugh at my jokes and call me their friends. They've now become the enemy. If not the enemy, than a bully. A person to look down upon you with such disdain and arrogance. There's one. A bit older with charm and elegance but is swift with manipulation and power. Her ability to control the power and will of a diligent human being. The snark remarks bite into the skin of this friend. The friend that will tell you like it is. The 'is' that taunts and damages and releases the reality of which you do not wish to see.

Why is it that reality has such an ugly mark? The reality is that not everything is as it seems, and what seems is not. They gather truths of the people around you, trying to bring sense into your life and moments; those people we have pushed away. We push away what 'is'. Instead, we focus on what isn't. We focus on what we don't have and the places we won't go. The moment's we should have done this but did that. Memories of my past haunt me like a plague, some nights. They terrorize my closed eyes with moments that will never be repeated, with people that will never be who they once were. Those friends that are now foes and those foes that are now no one.

Is that all we become? This shattering memory of a passer by with a once pleasant word? Well, I am not a novel. I don't want to be a part of those moments that are written down and remembered. I want to be a part of the now. The present time that holds you by your throat and makes your stomach turn. The present time that makes you feel like your heart may fly away with the sound of it's own fluttering. We as the people of persons deserve to be the light that help those dark nights, the opening shelter to those setting themselves free from their own prisons. But here we are. Cell mates. And I too feel the rage. I too feel the burning and pain in my chest when someone I love, someone I have helped multiple times, says "She's fine".

And this may sound selfish and petulant, but I am tired of being the one who's "fine" all the time whilst everyone else is breaking down. I am sick of being the wall that everyone leans on. The shoulder, yes. I will support the padding and nurture you need. But I am tired of feeling unimportant and used.

I'm just tired.

Warped Dreams

This entry isn't going to make much sense so if that's what you're looking for, leave now. Instead, I'm going to express the dream/s I had last night. Why? Because I'm pretty sure I'm taking acid in my sleep. If not, I'm insane.

I was at your house. Yes, the typical you. Actually, I was at your grandmothers house. I was fixing the tiles in the bathroom. I think I was an interior designer which is so far from the fucking truth. I am not one for decorating. And when I do, well, it looks like shit. C'est la vie! However this wasn't in Florida. This was somewhere up here, up north, up somewhere. I realized I had forgotten some tools so I left and had to swim back to my house. …Yes. Swim. In open water. So I swam back to my apartment, grabbed my things, and went back to your grandmothers house. But now I was in the guest bathroom instead of her own personal bathroom. You came out of your room and said "Hey! It's been a long time, how's Maryland!?" We caught up and had various discussions about my life and your life and how fantastic things worked out. We were both really happy. It was pretty nice.

For the record, there were no romantic feelings. It was like a deep friendship, the kind you see in movies. After placing some tiles down, I realized I had to go back to my house again. I don't know why, but I did. You wanted to come so you could see where I live. The swim wasn't long. Maybe 10 minutes? We jumped in the water together, you were terrified. It was dark, you couldn't see the bottom of the water, and the unlikely shark/orca could be nearby. Yes. Orca. This dream was specific. So, oddly enough, as soon as you started to swim, low and behold-there was an orca. It left quickly though.

In my dream, my house was never shown. We would just swim and then I'd somehow have my things. Then, we'd go back to your grandmothers so I could finish my job.

And that was it. We talked while I worked, said how nice it was to catch up, and went about our lives.

I don't know what any of it means, if it means anything at all. The bathroom re-decoration I believe stems from my obsession with HGTV. The ocean is fear. I'd say you're familiarity but that doesn't apply since we don't know each other anymore. It doesn't really matter. It was just strange as I haven't thought about you in quite some time so I was a bit baffled.

However, I do hope you're well. I heard about texas and upcoming adventures with Liz. That's great and I really hope you all achieve your desires.

Aside from my dream, this week is going to be a roller coaster. Tuesday, I have an interview with the president of a high-end company that may result in me making a significant amount more than I do currently and being happy. Wednesday, my DM and vice president of the company I currently work at is coming in. Aye. Hopefully I'll be told on tuesday whether or not I got the position so I can tell my DM that I'm gone in 2 weeks and to go shove it for wasting my time. Obviously, I won't actually say any of that, but I will think it quite strongly. Read my mind, fucker!

It will be a bit sad to leave my chef manager and co-worker. They're real stand up guys and not a day goes by that we're not laughing…but…I hate my job. I hate the people that we have to associate with. And I hate the pay. This position I'm currently interviewing for is kind of a dream come true. If I were accepted, I could move up with a prestigious company and do great things.

2014 has been hard so far but also gratifying.

2 more weeks until vacation with the GF to Annapolis, then planning a trip to Maine and Chicago in the summer. Dear baby jebus, please let everything run smoooooth.

Nap time!