Letting Go For Good

First off, I'm sorry I've neglected you blog! I've actually been using tumblr quite a bit. I guess it's time I give you an update.

Well, I'm back at home and as nice as it is to see and spend time with my family, I'm ready to be on my own again. These rules, restrictions, opinions, and ways of doing things are just overbearing. But who am I to complain. I chose this right?

Other than that, things have been pretty slow. I've been job hunting and will continue doing so tomorrow morning. Hopefully it won't be so damn hot again! I've also been talking to someone. I'm kinda crushing but she seems to be very back and forth with the games. I'm not too sure why. I made it very clear to her that if she started to do this, I'd back off entirely. And so I have. She messages me here and there and likes just about everything I post on facebook but like I said, no games. I'm too old to be dragged back and forth again.

I'm happy though! I thought moving down here would be a bit more difficult than it's been. Not with the job hunting or anything. More so with my feelings. I thought seeing and being around Nikole, or even being in the area, might make things harder on me. But to be honest, they haven't! And I'm so happy about it. I feel like, if anything, I'm just about over her. Albeit, I did hit a mirror while being drunk and seeing her with her new lover but that's not the real reason why I hit the mirror. I hit it because the person I was talking to in that mirror was telling me that me being jealous was okay. That I should keep loving her and not give up. Fuck that. So I hit it. I wish I could explain further on here. Give it more clarity as to what I mean. But you would all think I'm crazy.

As I've gotten older, things are changing. The things I see and hear and have known since I was a kid, it's becoming clearer each day. Like going from an old TV to HD. And it freaks me out. So I'm actually going to see someone a friend of mine recommended. She's gonna help me figure this all out and help me "gather my levels" whatever the hell that means. I spoke to her a bit. And she said once I have my life in order, she wants me to go somewhere else for a while. Like I said, I'd really like to give you more clarity but that requires believing. And most people don't.

Back to what I was saying before.

I know there will always be a part of me that cares. That loves. And if she were to call me with some kind of emergency, you best believe I would be there for her. Everyone deserves that person. But I wouldn't be there like I was before. And I will never ever allow someone to pull me around like that. Even if she didn't mean it, it's what happened. And I've promised myself I'd never let it happen again. And it won't. I've definitely changed. That's what I mean when I say you don't know me. You don't know the sides of me that have changed because those are sides you'll never see again. That doesn't mean we're friends or that everything is okay. It's not. And maybe it never will be. And that's okay too. I hope one day we can be friends but I'm not going to put all the effort into making it happen. It has to be equal. So until there's a day where we can hang out, just us, and go to the beach or to lunch or whatever and be JUST friends, don't expect to hear from me much. I'm done playing games. With everyone. Including you.

I'm glad you're happy though. And I hope you continue to be. Sincerely. One day, I'll find happiness when it comes to love and loyalty. Today just isn't that day. And I'm perfectly fine with that. :)

Welcome home?

I don't think the feeling of actually being back has set in yet. I feel like I'm just visiting. Like I'm gonna leave soon and go back to work and a lonely city. But not this time. It's bittersweet, really. I miss my house up there. my room, my living room. I miss living on my own. It's been two days and I miss it already. Ha! I wonder how I'll feel in a month!

It's nice seeing my mom, though. It's also fun to annoy her again. I get bored so I decide to bother her. What else is there to do!? Haha. But I know she secretly loves it. It's a feat she misses when it's not so accessible. So far, I've seen Terri and Amanda. It was nice to see both considering I love them so much. But after not seeing Amanda for 5 months, our reunion was long overdue. I feel like she got taller. Or maybe I got shorter. But I feel a definite height difference.

Anyway.

She's grown so much! I know I'm only a year older, but we've always been on a different level of life experiences. Spain treated her very well and so did all the other countries she visited. And she's 21 now! Finally! My booboo is all grown up. I'll be taking her out this week for drinks in various bars. I'm excited!! And cuddle time will definitely happen on more than one occasion. It's fascinating to think I've known her for so long. 16/17 years. That's mind blowing. And I absolutely love it.

After she left, I immediately went to go see Terri.

I don't know what it is with us, but whenever we see each other, all the problems suddenly go away. And when we start to bitch, we don't hesitate to tell each other to shut the fuck up, this is how it is, this is how it's gonna be, let it go. Haha. She fed me pizza and beer. Not exactly healthy but considering the circumstances, I wasn't going to deny such wonderful hospitality. We sat outside for quite some time smoking cigarettes and talking shit about everything. It was nice. I didn't realize just how much I needed to hear her speak to me about certain things. But I did. Even if I didn't like some of it, it make me feel good and alive again.

My first day back and it was breathtaking. I know things are going to be hard for a bit now but I'm looking forward to working my ass off towards the things I want.