It's been a considerable amount of time since I've written in my actual blog. Like I stated before, I'm using tumblr more than anything. Though, I use it more for comedic purposes than I do for jotting things down. So I'm sorry, old friend. I didn't mean to neglect you of words and feelings. But I'm here now!
So where do I start?
I guess I'll start here.
Things at home have been okay. Some days are really good and I'm really quite happy I'm home. Other days, I regret the decision entirely and ask myself why I even bothered. I feel like I'm constantly contradicting myself when it comes to my decisions. Both past and present.
My mom is doing well but work is really starting to get to her.
Glen is still the lazy arrogant fool but I'm doing my absolute best to ignore him.
Manny, Kirra and the baby have settled in quite nicely. We haven't gotten into any real arguments yet. Just subtle and fun nitpicks here and there. Oh, and Kirra is pregnant again! I believe she's at 2 or 3 months now but I could be wrong. I think she's almost done with the first trimester. I say this because her hormones haven't made me crazy recently. She took a gender test, the ones you get at walgreens, the other night and it said it'll be a boy. My mom is convinced otherwise but I guess we'll see when the doctor can actually tell us. I would love a nephew but another niece would be fantastic as well. I would've told you sooner, blog, but there's an old wives tale that it's bad to speak up about it before it hits the 3 month marker. I only told those close to me when I first found out.
As for me, things have been rough but also smooth. I feel like I've been indirectly pissing people off lately but I'm just at a point in my life where I don't care. I know who matters and I know who is meant to be in my life for the long run. Though, it is hard to deal with. I'll admit that I've slipped up a couple times with old bad habits. Well, maybe they're not that old because I kept slipping up. I don't really bother with apologies anymore. To myself or to anyone else. Not because I don't feel remorse, but because I can't guarantee it's something I'll never do again. There are things I haven't repeated though. Moments that I'm not proud of but will eventually get over. I've hurt people because of some of my decisions and for that, I am sorry. But at the same time, it already happened. There's nothing I can do to take any of it back.
It's weird to me though. I used to cry and cut over such minuscule situations but now I bare it with nothing but a simple shrug of the shoulders. Jeez. Try saying that three times fast! Back to what I was saying. For example, I've become very distant with quite a few people. There's a few who I don't even talk to anymore. Mainly because I don't want to but one situation couldn't be helped. I believe everything happens for a reason. Am I'm happy about everything? No. Am I proud of the way things turned out? Not really. But regardless, it happened. And I sincerely believe it was meant to.
I've been job hunting a lot. I finally scored an interview for today at 9:30 in the morning. It's about 2am right now so I'm hoping I don't look too dreadful when I wake up. As soon as I have a steady job and paycheck, I'll be saving up to get my own place. My own place. Not because I don't like having roommates or anything. I'd just rather worry about myself and only myself. I don't want to be stressed because someone doesn't have rent or utility money on time.
Which leads me to my biggest change.
I've always been one to take shelter within the friendship of others. Being alone both romantically and platonic-wise was never really my strong suit. But now, I'm happier being by myself. I still like to go out and have a good time here and there, but I'm just not in the mood to tear the streets up anymore. I'd much rather stay inside and read a book or watch a movie. And as for my love life, it's actually been annoying. When I was open to the idea of dating and trying to be with someone, there was a very select few who tried to get inside. But now that I'm happy being alone, I feel like girls are just circling me as their prey. And because I don't feel like being with anyone, I have to deal with them saying "You didn't give me a chance" or "Why am I not good enough?" or "You don't know what the hell you want". Um, I definitely know what I want. And I always try to explain it to them in the nicest way I can. I want to be alone! I'm going back to school in the fall, taking 3 or 4 classes, and I'm going to graduate. After that, I plan on getting out of here. If that doesn't happen, I'd much rather just focus on myself and those I call family.
People seem to have a problem with me being selfish. When, in reality, I'm not being selfish at all. I'm just worrying about me and only me for once. I'm not getting involved in the gossip, drama, or pity parties. I'm still there for the people who are close to me but I don't bother with others anymore. I no longer throw myself at peoples feet for attention or time of day. I'll be there if the person states that they need me, but I'm not going to sit there and pull it out of them.
I do wish people would stop telling me certain things though. I get that people need to vent and apparently I'm a great listener, but there's just certain situations and certain people I have no need, nor want, to hear about. But I guess that's life. Dealing with things we don't want to deal with until one day, we just don't care about them anymore. What starts off as dealing becomes absolutely nothing. Because you just stop caring altogether. I would get specific but it's irrelevant and I'm not sure who reads this thing nowadays.
That's all I feel like writing right now and its probably for the best. I have to wake up in just a few short hours and I need to make sure I'm surrounded by positive energy. Goodnight my dear blog.
