Who knew I'd miss my family as much as I do. I miss my mother's sarcasm and waking up to the sound of children yelling while their mother, my sister, tells them to sit down, be quiet, and eat their breakfast. I miss being woken up and hating it (but secretly adoring it). I miss the smell of a well cleaned home and the smell of it being dirty five minutes later. My nostalgia runs deep and I believe the father with the ridiculously cute daughter behind me is to blame. His parenting makes me crave what I, regrettably, took for granted. A mother that I thought cared too much when, realistically, could not have cared more if she tried. A sister that would expose said love and care by picking on my mistakes. Or so I thought.
Kirra picking on my faults and moments of weakness was her way of saying "Goddamnit, why dont you see that you deserve more than you believe you do". I didnt see that. Honestly, I couldn't. I saw what I wanted to see. I was stuck dreaming and believing that maybe, life would work out like a fairytale. That maybe if I wished hard enough, I'd get whatever ending that I thought I wanted - though I'm not sure what that was.
My mother is the closest thing to perfect. Were it possible to achieve, she'd be the epitome. Her smiles and laughter and shoulder as she cries with you during what you think is the worst thing possible, I took that for granted too. I took a lot of things for granted. I guess that's why I dont fight it anymore. I dont see the point.
What's the point in fighting feelings of love and admiration? I love my family. I feel out of place here but i know if I went back, I'd take it for granted all over again. There would be no understanding or growth, just back pedaling. I dont want to do that. I want to live and dwell in a place that my niece and nephew can learn and appreciate and stop and take a breath to see how great life is/can be.
I lack a family here in Maryland and it hurts so fucking much some days. As I type this, I hear a family singing 'happy birthday' to their loved ones. And as much as it hurts, I guess its kind of welcome. I guess it makes me appreciate what I still have. I guess I love them more and more each day than I ever thought a person was capable of doing.
