Fuck

I'm just tired of being bad at the things I try really hard to be good at.

I could list them, they're fresh in my memory as most are recent...but I'm not going to do that.

"My thoughts are stars that I cannot fathom into contellations."

I haven't written much this year, even though I've had plenty to write about. I've had many things to say but wasn't exactly sure how to say them so I let them pass. I feel like I let a lot of things pass. Good, bad, the great, the terrible. That's okay. This isn't meant to be some deep bullshit article that opens the dialogue into my newer soul. Instead, here's just a few things that have happened over the past few months. It will go up, it will go down, it will.

Well, Phil passed, like I stated in my previous entry. Glen passed away about 3 weeks later. He suffered. He did not die with pride or peace. Regardless, the pain stopped. I came home for the memorial and my family seemed empty. He and I lacked a great history but his presence was known and oddly welcome. Once it was gone, so was a space kept. My mother has been getting better and better since then but she's still not 100%. About a month later, a coworker I had grown very close to, whom of which kind of became my father figure, passed away from cancer. That hurt like hell but his pain was gone too.

That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

Bad things come in three's and I accepted it. Now, good things are happening. I'm getting a raise at my day job and I started my second job. Now, the second job may not be lasting long. I found another one that is closer to home and with much less drama. I also don't have to pay for parking and that's a plus.

See, I've gone through the great times and the worst times this year. I went through pain I had forgotten I'd felt. But I'm so damn grateful for having those moments. I'm so happy I've felt the pain of death and heartbreak. And I'm so proud to have met the people that caused it.

I'm getting older now and I'm starting to realize things I never even thought about. The many times I thought I was right but I was wrong. All the past reactions I had compared the way I react now. The person I was when I was younger is so very different from me now but I love it. I love the person I was then. I love the person I am now. The past is always good at making the present and the present will make the future. It's exciting.

I miss my past as much as I know I'll miss this moment some day. I'll miss the moment that I'm currently enduring; sitting on the couch watching The Fault In Our Stars with tears rolling down my cheeks because this movie is so fucking sad in the most beautiful way.

I'm lucky because I have things and people and moments to miss. I look forward to missing even more.

And if by chance you're reading this, yes the common you, I want you to know that I understand. I understand so well what happened all those years ago and why you did what you did, along with how you did it. Just thought you should know that I understand. And thanks, by the way. Seriously.

Well, this is all I got right now. Aside from school and work, there's not much going on right now. Laura and I are saving up to go to Europe either next year or the year after. After I'm done getting my bachelors and she her masters, we plan on moving to New York together. We'd like to live there for a few years and then perhaps move to Europe and start a life there. I'm not sure if this will go exactly as planned but it's a beautiful and wonderful plan.

See ya.
-Kels

The World Stops For No One

It was unexpected and familiar. A feeling in my gut that I couldn't place even though it had once been felt before. Then the call came. Today I found out that my uncle Phil died on Saturday. According to his girlfriend, he fell in the tub. I'm not sure how true that is but I suppose it doesn't really matter. A man I loved is gone. Another one. Glen is dying too. In just a week he went from being talkative and joking around, to being confused and unable to speak. He's still here though.

And I'm in Maryland. Stuck. Waiting for the call to come that Glen is gone too and it's time for me to come home. My family is falling apart and my mother has slipped into a deep depression. And there's nothing I can do about any of it.

But holy shit does it hurt.

Pestilence

That's all I feel like I am to her. Sometimes, that all I feel like she is to me. Poison. But then, it changes. Suddenly, you're the remedy and I'm the antidote. We become healers and the room lights up with laughter. Then, it fades. It goes back to that looming darkness full of unnecessary resentment. Then, I take a look around and it's not only her. It's them. The people in the streets that laugh at my jokes and call me their friends. They've now become the enemy. If not the enemy, than a bully. A person to look down upon you with such disdain and arrogance. There's one. A bit older with charm and elegance but is swift with manipulation and power. Her ability to control the power and will of a diligent human being. The snark remarks bite into the skin of this friend. The friend that will tell you like it is. The 'is' that taunts and damages and releases the reality of which you do not wish to see.

Why is it that reality has such an ugly mark? The reality is that not everything is as it seems, and what seems is not. They gather truths of the people around you, trying to bring sense into your life and moments; those people we have pushed away. We push away what 'is'. Instead, we focus on what isn't. We focus on what we don't have and the places we won't go. The moment's we should have done this but did that. Memories of my past haunt me like a plague, some nights. They terrorize my closed eyes with moments that will never be repeated, with people that will never be who they once were. Those friends that are now foes and those foes that are now no one.

Is that all we become? This shattering memory of a passer by with a once pleasant word? Well, I am not a novel. I don't want to be a part of those moments that are written down and remembered. I want to be a part of the now. The present time that holds you by your throat and makes your stomach turn. The present time that makes you feel like your heart may fly away with the sound of it's own fluttering. We as the people of persons deserve to be the light that help those dark nights, the opening shelter to those setting themselves free from their own prisons. But here we are. Cell mates. And I too feel the rage. I too feel the burning and pain in my chest when someone I love, someone I have helped multiple times, says "She's fine".

And this may sound selfish and petulant, but I am tired of being the one who's "fine" all the time whilst everyone else is breaking down. I am sick of being the wall that everyone leans on. The shoulder, yes. I will support the padding and nurture you need. But I am tired of feeling unimportant and used.

I'm just tired.

Warped Dreams

This entry isn't going to make much sense so if that's what you're looking for, leave now. Instead, I'm going to express the dream/s I had last night. Why? Because I'm pretty sure I'm taking acid in my sleep. If not, I'm insane.

I was at your house. Yes, the typical you. Actually, I was at your grandmothers house. I was fixing the tiles in the bathroom. I think I was an interior designer which is so far from the fucking truth. I am not one for decorating. And when I do, well, it looks like shit. C'est la vie! However this wasn't in Florida. This was somewhere up here, up north, up somewhere. I realized I had forgotten some tools so I left and had to swim back to my house. …Yes. Swim. In open water. So I swam back to my apartment, grabbed my things, and went back to your grandmothers house. But now I was in the guest bathroom instead of her own personal bathroom. You came out of your room and said "Hey! It's been a long time, how's Maryland!?" We caught up and had various discussions about my life and your life and how fantastic things worked out. We were both really happy. It was pretty nice.

For the record, there were no romantic feelings. It was like a deep friendship, the kind you see in movies. After placing some tiles down, I realized I had to go back to my house again. I don't know why, but I did. You wanted to come so you could see where I live. The swim wasn't long. Maybe 10 minutes? We jumped in the water together, you were terrified. It was dark, you couldn't see the bottom of the water, and the unlikely shark/orca could be nearby. Yes. Orca. This dream was specific. So, oddly enough, as soon as you started to swim, low and behold-there was an orca. It left quickly though.

In my dream, my house was never shown. We would just swim and then I'd somehow have my things. Then, we'd go back to your grandmothers so I could finish my job.

And that was it. We talked while I worked, said how nice it was to catch up, and went about our lives.

I don't know what any of it means, if it means anything at all. The bathroom re-decoration I believe stems from my obsession with HGTV. The ocean is fear. I'd say you're familiarity but that doesn't apply since we don't know each other anymore. It doesn't really matter. It was just strange as I haven't thought about you in quite some time so I was a bit baffled.

However, I do hope you're well. I heard about texas and upcoming adventures with Liz. That's great and I really hope you all achieve your desires.

Aside from my dream, this week is going to be a roller coaster. Tuesday, I have an interview with the president of a high-end company that may result in me making a significant amount more than I do currently and being happy. Wednesday, my DM and vice president of the company I currently work at is coming in. Aye. Hopefully I'll be told on tuesday whether or not I got the position so I can tell my DM that I'm gone in 2 weeks and to go shove it for wasting my time. Obviously, I won't actually say any of that, but I will think it quite strongly. Read my mind, fucker!

It will be a bit sad to leave my chef manager and co-worker. They're real stand up guys and not a day goes by that we're not laughing…but…I hate my job. I hate the people that we have to associate with. And I hate the pay. This position I'm currently interviewing for is kind of a dream come true. If I were accepted, I could move up with a prestigious company and do great things.

2014 has been hard so far but also gratifying.

2 more weeks until vacation with the GF to Annapolis, then planning a trip to Maine and Chicago in the summer. Dear baby jebus, please let everything run smoooooth.

Nap time!

Vague Inspirational Title

Happy New Year! I think this may have been the longest I've gone without writing. I hope all is well with everyone so far. We're 11 days in and it's already been slightly eventful. I don't know about you, but 2013 was one hell of a year. Worth it, though. Today it's rainy and cold in Parkville, MD. Ludo is passed out, Metric is playing in the background, Laura is at the salon, so what better a time to write than now?

So let's go.

For Christmas, I was in South Florida. Before I really say anything about that, let me just stress that a 17 hour drive, by yourself, is not healthy. I was starting to imagine myself singing on broadway, then writing a broadway play, then being in a band in some bar. It was messy and delusional. Weirdly fun though. Back to the story. When I got to South Florida, I didn't expect to feel what I felt. Initially, I thought I would fill up with happiness and excitement. Instead, I felt nothing but dread. I already missed my apartment, my friends, my girlfriend, everything. I missed my family, of course, and the few friends I have but other than that, I didn't miss the sights. I didn't miss the beach. I didn't miss the bars. I didn't miss the familiar but distant faces. I didn't miss my home. That's such a sad thing to say, isn't it? People would usually miss their old stomping grounds, right? I guess it's because I have nowhere to call my own there anymore. Baltimore is my home now. 100%. I love it up here.

The sights, the history, the bars, the people, the shitty drivers, the crazy highways, everything. There's so much diversity! Being only 3 hours from NYC also has it's perks. Since moving here, I've been to NYC 3 times already(I plan on going much, much more!). DC is still one of my favorite places. I enjoy the memories I've made there over the years. From 2010-present, there's so many things I've done and still need to do in that big, beautiful city. I'm dying to go back to the Zoo! In Baltimore itself, the city, my favorite place is called Fells Point. It's right on the harbor, the bars range from frat filled to PRL-like. I love it. It also has the best coffee joint I've ever been to. It's called The Daily Grind. Yum!

I also got a new car. It's a 2013 Hyundai Elantra. My Honda Fit decided her time was up, stopped accelerating, and started to fill up with smoke when I was "driving" her. She did her best and lived a very eventful life. Haha. My new car is more accommodating though in regards to the weather here. The front and back window defroster is great when it comes to those icy days, along with the traction control, I think it was a wise decision. However, I hate having another bill to pay. New car insurance(more expensive!!) and the car payment, ugh. Color me crazy! It was necessary though. This one should last me a while.

My apartment is very cute. I do have a roommate but she's never here. She's always at her boyfriend's house so Laura pretty much lives with me now haha. Unless she's at her own apartment. We're starting to look for places together and plan on moving in with one another in August if everything goes according to plan. So far, so good. We definitely have our ups and downs. We're already two girls dealing with an over-abundance of estrogen but we're also both gemini's!(Ahh!). It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but our one year is coming up February 16th. I'll also have lived here for a year come February 1st.

I just hope this year is a good one. I need things to make sense again. To feel good. I'm still a happy person, I'm just over the bullshit. I'm over constant hopefuls and maybes and sorrys and okays and everything else. I've grown tired. Not pessimistic, realistic. Oh fuck. It's happening isn't it? The twenty-something crisis? I've heard so many of my older friends say the same thing I just said. I just never put two-and-two together. Hm.

People are different here. They do things differently. Everyone has graduated college at the time you're supposed to, there's not many high school drop outs, it's strange. Yet, people look and point at me like I'm the guy walking around with two heads. They don't understand that where I come from, it's a different land. High School and College drop-outs aren't unusual. Working retail or restaurant isn't desperation, it's a job. It pays the bills. It gets shit done. I get shit done. I'm trying to better myself here and I'm hoping to enroll in College this semester but it may have to wait until summer. I'm just sick of being seen or known as the broke outsider.

Btw, I'm venting at this point.

I'm sick of being different. I love being unique but sometimes being different, here, isn't necessarily good. A girl walks in with snakebites, gauges, and tattoos and boom, you're labeled as trouble. Why? I know plenty of people that are successful and they look like me! But I guess people see what they want to see. People worry. I get that. But why is it so hard to worry AND take a risk? The world is much too interesting and beautiful to just surpass without even a glance.

I'm different here. I hate it…but I love it.

See ya.