That's cool

Another journal break time. Where do I start? Hm.

Well, Michaela and I were a total no-go. She became really shady so I put an end to it. I wasn't really bothered by doing so. That's become quite routine actually. I can't express to you how many women have gone in and out of my life these past few months. And all by my accord. It's usually the other way around. I get attached, clingy, needy, and allow my desire to consume me. Now, I'm lucky if I'm interested in someone for more than a week. It's cool though. I prefer it this way. I worry about myself and only myself. I don't have to worry about arguments or pain or anger. None of that inconsistent bullshit. Some people say I've grown too comfortable being alone. Well, excuse me, but you're talking to a Gemini. We're extremists. Most of us, anyway. Like I said in my last post, I've found my balance. Blissful, it is.

As for Jaselyn, we're still talking. I'm still unsure of anything when it comes to her. She's not shady, she's honest, and she works her ass off. So much so that it gets in the way of us hanging out. Kinda shitty but I work a lot as well. And come September 18th or so, I'll officially be a manager. It's not that difficult. It's more to remember but not too bad. So I kinda understand where she's coming from. Neither of us will have time, or rather, much of it, but we still find time to text or make a phone call. Which majority of the time is spent laughing. It doesn't matter how bad our days are, as soon as we speak, everything is okay again. We laugh off the stress and it's such a breath of fresh air.

I'm still in a rut though. I'm not in love anymore. With anyone. I have a problem even crushing on anyone. But I can't seem to open myself up. I feel like it used to be so easy and it used to come naturally. Now, I think someone might have to beat my shell open like you would lobster claws. I don't blame anyone for the way I am now. I just kind of grew up into my opposite. Perhaps my other Gemini twin? I don't know. Memories still play games with my mind here and there. They show me all the things I can't allow myself to do with someone else. Kissing, sure. Holding hands, cool. But the cuddling and long staring...yeah. Not happening.

First of all, I hate direct eye contact. I start to feel really awkward and actually get really turned off. And someone who is always texting me or calling me will turn me off 100%. I don't do that to anyone anymore. Hell, I don't even look at my phone half the time. Also, and this is something I grew out of, but what's with girls and their bullshit fantasies of a notebook romance? Okay yeah, it's cute and all that jazz but seriously? Either stop crying and writing to me or get the hell off my porch.

Mind you, Jaselyn is none of those things. Yet. And I really hope she doesn't become that way. I dig attention but stalking isn't something I'm fond of. I've done my fair share of riding peoples asses with my exes and, oh...oh. Excuse me while I puke on the person I was back then. Putrid bitch. Haha.

Living situation time.

I've been trying to save so hard but I feel like I can't get past 800$. As soon as I get a bit farther, I need gas or end up spending money on some other shit. Like cigarettes. Which I'm quitting soon. It's just too expensive. Hopefully with this promotion, I'll be able to get my own place in no time. After having a nice conversation with Terri last night, she helped me put my life into retrospect. I've been really hard on myself lately. With money, family, friends, work, etc. No one has been putting me into a dark corner except myself. A characteristic that really needs to beat it.

Sure, people put me down and shit but fuck em. I just have to work on the whole sensitivity thing. Because lezbihonest, I'm a sensitive bitch. I still cry over shitty movies. For example, Listen To Your Heart is quite possibly the cheesiest, worst movie on netflix and my god, it brings me to my knees haha.

Aside from the routine bullshit, I don't really have any complaints. My life is beautiful in the simplest ways. Guess I'm just searching for another thrill. I'll find it eventually. Maybe in school? Work? Love? The gym? Chipotle? Who knows.

I'm pretty content with the unknown since I know so little of what the future holds.

Oh! Terri and I are getting matching tats on our feet. Both of them. And it's going to take up majority of each foot. Goody. The idea is awesome and so us but fuck, I'm pretty sure my feet is the one part of me with no fat on it. Boney, vein popping things. I'm scared shitless but I'm so excited. We also decided we're going to move together. We don't know where or when, but its a mutual agreement for sometime in the future.

Anyway, my computers fan broke and it's starting to overheat so extremely that my hands are sweating. Gross bro.

Later.

Hi?

I decided to write in this tonight. It's been a while and I think my journal needs a break. I also think it's tired of having unreadable chicken scratch in it haha. Horrible, horrible hand writing.

Anyways.

A lot has happened. Nothing bad necessarily. I guess you could say it's quite the contrary. I got a job so my bank account has really been building. I save just about every penny. Unless it's time for a beer night. Sorry savings, but sometimes a beer is just essential to my day. I got a second job and then found out the next day that I'm becoming a manager at my current job. So I'll be a part time manager and a part time driver. Altogether, I'll be working about 50-60 hours a week. Nothing I'm not used to, though. In Tallahassee I'd work my ass off. I've just never been a manager before. Nor have I been offered the position so it makes me a bit nervous. I'll be okay. I want it enough. It's a bit mind boggling. I've only been there a little over a month and already they're offering me the position. I'm extremely happy. I love the people I work with. 

Especially Randy. He's my other manager and my fellow whiteboy of the store. He's my age and a total sweetie. He's kinda like a brother to me in a way until we start talking about girls. I'm fairly sure the things we speak about, normal siblings don't. I definitely got lucky with this job. It pays the bills and is allowing me to save to get my own place. I'm so excited to live on my own again. I love my family but with Kirra's pregnancy, my mom's constant need to be the membrane of the house, and Glen being a giant potato, I think I'm ready to go back to my life. Also, I really, really, really miss spending time with Emily and a beer on the couch. Poor girl hasn't been used in so long. Her, Naomi, me and Nick need to have a play date when I get my own place. (Side note: Emily is my bowl. Naomi is Nick's bong.)

We'll see what my wallet looks like once this position starts up and I can work out how much I can afford for rent and such. There's a couple people who want to room with me/I want to room with. Dami, Bri, Karytza, Priscilla, and Terri if it's affordable. All of them are amazing people that I can picture myself with. Nick wants to move out too but he just can't afford it. I'd love to live with him. For the rest of my life. Haha! 

Aside from work, nothing else has really been happening. I guess I can tell you about my whole dating situation? 

I've dated a few girls. And dismissed almost all of them. Except two. Jaselyn and Michaela. I'm starting to think I cant date girls with normal names. Shawnda, Mariska, Nikole(she spelled it with a K so she counts), Lilly, and  now these two. Except now I'm in such a rutt. I like Jaselyn for her personality. It's perfect for me in so many ways but I don't know if we'd work out as a couple. Maybe great friends, but the whole relationship thing has me on the fence. As for Michaela, I like her a lot. I think she's interesting and has a really good heart but she's damaged. Her mind is warped with this false reality and the people she surrounds herself with aren't good. At all. Oh hey! That's probably why I like her so much. I love the broken ones. 

But I know that, at some point, I'll find someone. I'm not searching. People just keep walking in and out of my life. I've grown okay with it; Comfortable. It doesn't bother me like I used to. And at least I can honestly say that every girl I've dated(except Shawnda) weren't bad girls. They all had flaws but did beautiful, amazing things for me. Maybe not all the time, and sure, they hurt me here and there. But they aren't bad people. They just weren't meant for me. I'm okay with that. Hell, I'm okay with a lot of things now. I don't regret my mistakes or accidents or pain. Why should I? I learned from it. I started to control myself after my last mishap. My drinking isn't continuously spiraling and my tolerance has actually gone down. 5 beer queer here. 

I don't know. I feel like I've changed immensely. Sometimes I miss the girl I was at 19. Happy, carefree, simple, and didn't give a fuck. But now, I do care. I do what's appropriate in certain places, I'm not obnoxious, I respect people, and when I get angry, all it takes is one long breath in and one long breath out for me to let go of the moment. People don't like my change, but I kinda do. I'm a gemini. I'm full of extremes. But I think I've finally found my balance. My tranquility. 

I don't apologize for every step I take or every word I say. I don't know how else to say it but I've finally begun to paint my own life. And so far, it's beautiful. Even with the blotches and rips in the paper.

Also, to you, yes the usual you, I hope you're doing well. I heard you hurt yourself somehow. I hope you got it fixed up. Hell, I'm not even sure if you still look at this old thing but if you do, I send you and your family all the best wishes. I'm not sure if you're dating or not, it's not really my business. Fuck, okay. Let me just sum up what I'm saying. I hope you get anything and everything you want! Endless amounts of money, popcorn, love, etc. I'm sure I'll run into you and give you a casual wave one day. Till then, old friend.

As for you, blog. I'll see you around. I'm at a loss for words, I have to pee, I'm thirsty, and I need a cigarette. Bet you 5 dollars I smoke before all the rest?