Simultaneously

My world is burning down
But it is also rising from the ashes.

I'm not sure who I am anymore. Whether or not I like it. Frankly, I'm not sure whether or not I like anyone else. This year was tough for various reasons. Now, I could point fingers, place blame, and intoxicate this post with bitterness but I won't do that. Not today. Instead, I accept it. The broken friendships, the broken hearts, the mistakes I've made and the things I thought about but didn't do.

Nothing ever really stays the same. Friendships, relationships, life in general. I was a shitty person and so was everyone else. But we go on without regret. Why? Because as much as we look back and hate the mistake, did the outcome really affect us negatively? Maybe. Or maybe not.

That night that I fucked around with that person in a drunken haze, I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up with a slight recollection and had to go through the foggy memories to figure out what really happened. Due to such, I hurt someone that I never meant to hurt. And at the time, I said some things I didn't mean to say. But did it kill me? No. Did the world stop, turn, and set me ablaze? No.

A few weeks later, I found out what story was told on another side and I was hurt. Not because of the fact that the person told the other. I was hurt because the person told the other a different story. One that strayed far from the truth but was considered honest and open compared to my vindictive and viral behaviour. But sometimes, word of mouth means much more than the person you knew and loved. And that's okay. I'm no saint. At one point, I tried to act like I was. I was a constant victim stuck inside a war that I was actually creating.

Regardless of truth or lie, I was there. I did what I did. I shouldn't have let it happen at all to begin with and for that, I am sorry. But I don't regret it. Not because I enjoyed it or anything like that. I'm actually disgusted with myself to this day. Instead, I believe it happened because I needed to let go. Not of one specific thing, but a vast open jar of moments and memories and yearning.

This year, and I'm referring to 2013, I'm taking a different step. My new years night, I don't plan on having a kiss. Not from a friend nor a lover. I've taken a vow of temporary celibacy. Not the kind that waits till marriage because honestly, I just don't have that in me. Sex is wonderful. Meaningless or not.

I take this vow because I don't want to be promiscuous. I don't want a strangers hands touching sacred places or hearing intimate things from me. I treasure myself now. I believe I'm worth so much more than that. I've actually been active on this vow(so I guess it's not necessarily a New Years resolution) for a few months now and I feel wonderful. Albeit, it's difficult. I'm only human and every person has their needs. Beit sexual or not. But I can't keep doing the same sporadic fuck here and there.

As good as that one moment feels, I want more than just a moment. Unfortunately, I can't find that right now. For a while, I didn't understand why. Recently, I realized I was looking for a replacement. That's a very vague way to describe it, mind you. But I was looking for someone to make my heart race the same way other people have. To make my lips quiver and my breath hitch in anticipation. That's going to happen again, but not in the same way. I don't think my hands will ever shake the same way they once did. I don't believe my skin will crawl and tingle from someone elses slight touch. The hairs on my body will lay the same way as they were born and that will be okay.

Why? Because this time, it will be a different being. A different heart. A different personality, eyes, lips, the whole lot.

Nothing and no one will compare to the person I loved so long ago. And I'm okay with that. But until someone brand new or someone very old and slightly forgotten comes walking into my life, I'll keep myself to myself. Physically and mentally. People misunderstand commitment for promises. I no longer look for any kind of guarantee or promise aside from the exclusivity of the relationship. Aside from that, life is full of surprises and I will always be ready.

So, 2012, and to anyone that was in my life this year, if I have hurt you, loved you the wrong way, yelled at you, misunderstood you, got wrongfully angry with you, placed blame and acted like my hands were porcelain and new, or all of the above/etc, I'm sorry. Hurting and tarnishing you was never my intent and I hope 2013 gives you not only what you want, but also what you need.

I'll see you next year, blog.
Kels.