This seems to be recurring. Maybe I'm the one to blame. But I feel no shame. I've struggled endlessly where my palms met nails and my teeth met tongue. There was this strong pain in the gain but the gain never tasted the same as the pain. The adrenaline rush, the exhilaration that existed within the moments of constant waste; those were the moments of gain. To gradually build characteristics within your wrongs and know what it is to be able lose and love and lust and hurt. But at what expense is it to live a life? You spend days and minutes and months trying to figure out what you've done wrong instead of seeing what you've done right. Seemingly, it's easier for us to place blame on others than ourselves. That whole notion is arbitrary, isn't it? To try and fish out what isn't ours. We are the villains because we claim to be. We are the naysayers and disbelievers because we choose things that aren't good for us.
Then we have the audacity to ask God, or whatever deity we believe in, why these things are happening to us. They happen because secretly, we want them to happen. We want arguments that turn into screaming matches, we want our blood to boil, we want things to go badly. However, we want them for a specific time span. The time between when we're angry and when we're not. I did. I wanted my voice to be horse and venom to be set in each sentence that was spewed. So why is it now, now when I no longer want these things, do they happen more often than not?
I try to find the moment when I went from being this carefree, loving, blissfully ignorant kid to this upset and angry at the world adult? I guess angry isnt the proper terminology. Hmm. I guess to put it simply, I've become one of "them". I have become that person that looks to the sky and asks redundant questions. Seeking answers that I don't really want to find. Or maybe answers that have always been there for that I've taken for granted. There is no solution to an imaginary problem.
Well, I've grown tired of playing monopoly with myself. I've tossed the board across the room, set fire to the money and I've called it quits. My life, my pain, my exhaustion and anger and aggression is my fault and my fault alone. No one made me like I am. People can of course do certain things that tribute to the attitude but we're the ones that feed it.
So why don't we just stop being our own monsters? I'm calling it quits today. I will be thankful for what I have and don't have. I will find the excitement in the moments and the sky and the air and smokey rooms and the loud bars and the people laughing and crying and yelling and smiling and sobbing. I will take responsibility for the life I had led, the life I have now, and the life I will have later.
These are my mistakes. And I am thankful for them. And for you. For all of those that came, and went, and stayed, and said hello.
Thanks.
And cheers.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Hot damn.
Hey! It's been a while. A longgg while. Well, here I am. I'll update you as much as I can.
Well, I'm still in Maryland. I moved out of Karen and Robin's house in Dundalk and now live in Parkville. It's closer to work and in an amazing neighborhood. I'm still with Laura and we're going on 7 months now. This is also the best relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say the most intense, but I would say most meaningful. We communicate very well and when we don't, we try again. And we have fun together so that's great. There's ups as well as downs but so far so good. We'll see how it goes though.
My job is going well too. My manager has become like a big brother to me and helps me with whatever question or need I have. His wife is also trying to hire me for one of her virtual assistant jobs. The pay is great and I can work from wherever as long as I have a computer! What does that mean? That means Kelsey will be going to New York. Often.
As for being homesick, I wish I could say I was. I miss my niece and nephew immensely! When I went to visit, my niece ran across the house and right into my arms. Then on my last day there, she begged me to stay and even offered to give me my room back. She's the smartest 3 year old ever.
Seeing my family and friends was great too. Unfortunately, I did not like being there. I wanted to come home. My new home. My permanent home. I absolutely adore it up here. Even the bad moments turn into great ones. I love being in the middle of the east coast. DC is 45 mins away, NJ is 2 hours away, NY is 3 1/2 hours away, and philly is only an hour away. Laura and I have already gone to all 4 together. Our new thing is to see broadway shows. We just saw Phantom of the Opera and I had goosebumps the entire time.
There's still a lot of things I don't understand but the difference between then and now is that I seek answers. If one option doesn't work, I try another. And another. And another. I dont give up.
Things have worked out here. And I'm happy. I'm passionate.
I hope that you're all doing well! I doubt anyone reads this anymore but if you do, I hope you're days are full of moments that take your breath away. We all deserve it.
Well, I'm still in Maryland. I moved out of Karen and Robin's house in Dundalk and now live in Parkville. It's closer to work and in an amazing neighborhood. I'm still with Laura and we're going on 7 months now. This is also the best relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say the most intense, but I would say most meaningful. We communicate very well and when we don't, we try again. And we have fun together so that's great. There's ups as well as downs but so far so good. We'll see how it goes though.
My job is going well too. My manager has become like a big brother to me and helps me with whatever question or need I have. His wife is also trying to hire me for one of her virtual assistant jobs. The pay is great and I can work from wherever as long as I have a computer! What does that mean? That means Kelsey will be going to New York. Often.
As for being homesick, I wish I could say I was. I miss my niece and nephew immensely! When I went to visit, my niece ran across the house and right into my arms. Then on my last day there, she begged me to stay and even offered to give me my room back. She's the smartest 3 year old ever.
Seeing my family and friends was great too. Unfortunately, I did not like being there. I wanted to come home. My new home. My permanent home. I absolutely adore it up here. Even the bad moments turn into great ones. I love being in the middle of the east coast. DC is 45 mins away, NJ is 2 hours away, NY is 3 1/2 hours away, and philly is only an hour away. Laura and I have already gone to all 4 together. Our new thing is to see broadway shows. We just saw Phantom of the Opera and I had goosebumps the entire time.
There's still a lot of things I don't understand but the difference between then and now is that I seek answers. If one option doesn't work, I try another. And another. And another. I dont give up.
Things have worked out here. And I'm happy. I'm passionate.
I hope that you're all doing well! I doubt anyone reads this anymore but if you do, I hope you're days are full of moments that take your breath away. We all deserve it.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Cradle The Robbers
Hey blog. Remember me? It's been a while, I know. My bad. I've been pretty busy and here I am to tell you why.
Well, I moved to Maryland! I'm here now. On my bed. In the basement. That's about 1000 miles away from Hollywood. For lack of a better word, it's awesome. I feel at home here. The kids play outside with their winter coats close to their bodies, shoes get dirty, laughter and yelling fills every silence and it's wonderful. I didn't see that much back in Florida. People are too busy paying attention to what's inside of their walls instead of what's outside. People become a part of their town and agriculture here. I've seen so many faces and have learned so many names that sometimes I have to be reminded just who it is that I'm talking to. I know it doesn't go for everyone, but the people I have encountered seem to be nothing but genuine.
I also got a job! I'm working at the Aberdeen Proving Ground. It's on the military base about 30 minutes from my house. Majority of the people I see are engineers that work for the military coming up with ideas for weapons and such. I think. I could be wrong. There's also a small community of soldiers that live on the base itself. I like it there. The people are nice and my coworker and manager are good people. The pay is decent too. Once I pass my three months, they'll help pay for my education and also offer amazing health benefits. I got really lucky with this.
I won't say that everything is sunshine and rainbows. It's not. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes. I've had a few days where depression struck and I found tears falling down my face. God, I sound dramatic don't I? Well, it was a bit dramatic. It was sad. Not solely because I miss them. I can deal with being homesick. It was sad because I knew I had let go of an old life. A life that once meant the world but is now just a part of my history. The people, the places, everything. I've moved on and have created a life for myself. The ex girlfriends I'll no longer run into, the old friends I'll no longer say "hey we should get lunch!" but never actually do it.
And it was definitely a hard transition to go from a place where you know everyone to a place where you know no one. At the same token, it's freeing. I know the mistakes I made there won't affect me here. Not like they did down there. There was so much ill will in Florida but here, people know the mistakes and love me regardless. They've heard me take blame, place blame, and even cry sporadically whilst talking about all of it. But no judgments were made. No one stood on an invisible pedestal and pointed a finger. They smiled, made funny faces, and said "We've all fucked up, Kels."
We have all fucked up.
Do you know the impact that has on people? Let me explain.
Now, this is no innocent world. Humanity is a wolf in sheeps skin. We all are at some point. Some of us, forever. That doesn't define us though. Well, it shouldn't. Sometimes we allow it to. We give it the power to eat away at our innocence and make us think we're terrible people. Thus, we actually become terrible. Instead of doing that, we should embrace the bad moments. Remember, without the bad, there would be no good. Ying & Yang!(not the rappers) I know the bad I have done. But I also recall the good. Therein lies that fact that I am human. So when someone looks at you and basically says "Hey! We're imperfect too!" it's pretty beautiful.
With that said, I'll go ahead and tell you about my girlfriend.
Her name is Laura. She's 23 years old, a teacher, and has a heart of pure gold. She's seen a few of my flaws and smiles at them. She accepts every curve, crevice, and chip. She doesn't mind that I can't accept a compliment without hiding my face or rolling my eyes. She doesn't mind my horrible morning breath or the fact that I'm sensitive. She's seen my soft side but knows that these knuckles have had their fair share of bruises and cuts. She has felt the scars and understood why they're there. She looked in my direction and saw me. Not just this foolish exterior that so many people deem dangerous or intimidating. She knows that I've messed up and knew it was just a part of my past. Not the present. That who I was and the things I've done do not make me who I am now. They helped me become the way I am, but they do not engulf me. We're not attached at the hip either. When we go out with our friends, we all socialize but we also get into our little groups. We can be at opposite sides of the room and know neither one of us have anything to worry about. Our eyes will lock, we'll smile, and go back to whatever else it was that we were doing.
We acknowledge that we still have our separate lives to worry about. We're just two worlds that are now working together. But that's the thing. We each still have our own life. The relationship doesn't consume and drown us. I've never been in something so...mature? Haha. I guess that's the easiest way to say it. She's lovely. She sits back and she understands. She's my own personal wallflower and I get to experience more and more of her everyday. Even if we don't see each other that day. Which we don't. We don't see each other every single day. She pretty much just takes me breath away and to be honest, if it's oxygen she wants, I'd give it to her.
Aside from her and work, everything else is working out. I get lonely at times because, like I said, I don't know many people. But I'll get there eventually. It's only been a month and I'm still branching out. The friends I've made are great ones. I've been wise about who I choose to come into my life here. Not everyone deserves a place. There's so much I've yet to see in this beautiful state, along with the surrounding states. Pennsylvania, NY, Jersey, Delaware, Massachusetts, Maine, Virginia, it's as though the sights and sounds will never stop.
I think I may have found my home. Maybe not Maryland, or Baltimore, but definitely within the vicinity. We'll see.
So here's a toast to you, life. You have been difficult, cruel, giving, beautiful, harsh, kind, mean, angry, forgiving, calm, compassionate. You have given me everything I've needed and I'm excited to see what else you have to offer.
Goodbye Florida. Along with most of the people I knew. I'll be back for a few days for christmas every year but other than that, I'm never coming back. So thank you for being in my life. Even if you no longer are. It was a pleasure.
Sincerely,
Kels
Well, I moved to Maryland! I'm here now. On my bed. In the basement. That's about 1000 miles away from Hollywood. For lack of a better word, it's awesome. I feel at home here. The kids play outside with their winter coats close to their bodies, shoes get dirty, laughter and yelling fills every silence and it's wonderful. I didn't see that much back in Florida. People are too busy paying attention to what's inside of their walls instead of what's outside. People become a part of their town and agriculture here. I've seen so many faces and have learned so many names that sometimes I have to be reminded just who it is that I'm talking to. I know it doesn't go for everyone, but the people I have encountered seem to be nothing but genuine.
I also got a job! I'm working at the Aberdeen Proving Ground. It's on the military base about 30 minutes from my house. Majority of the people I see are engineers that work for the military coming up with ideas for weapons and such. I think. I could be wrong. There's also a small community of soldiers that live on the base itself. I like it there. The people are nice and my coworker and manager are good people. The pay is decent too. Once I pass my three months, they'll help pay for my education and also offer amazing health benefits. I got really lucky with this.
I won't say that everything is sunshine and rainbows. It's not. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes. I've had a few days where depression struck and I found tears falling down my face. God, I sound dramatic don't I? Well, it was a bit dramatic. It was sad. Not solely because I miss them. I can deal with being homesick. It was sad because I knew I had let go of an old life. A life that once meant the world but is now just a part of my history. The people, the places, everything. I've moved on and have created a life for myself. The ex girlfriends I'll no longer run into, the old friends I'll no longer say "hey we should get lunch!" but never actually do it.
And it was definitely a hard transition to go from a place where you know everyone to a place where you know no one. At the same token, it's freeing. I know the mistakes I made there won't affect me here. Not like they did down there. There was so much ill will in Florida but here, people know the mistakes and love me regardless. They've heard me take blame, place blame, and even cry sporadically whilst talking about all of it. But no judgments were made. No one stood on an invisible pedestal and pointed a finger. They smiled, made funny faces, and said "We've all fucked up, Kels."
We have all fucked up.
Do you know the impact that has on people? Let me explain.
Now, this is no innocent world. Humanity is a wolf in sheeps skin. We all are at some point. Some of us, forever. That doesn't define us though. Well, it shouldn't. Sometimes we allow it to. We give it the power to eat away at our innocence and make us think we're terrible people. Thus, we actually become terrible. Instead of doing that, we should embrace the bad moments. Remember, without the bad, there would be no good. Ying & Yang!(not the rappers) I know the bad I have done. But I also recall the good. Therein lies that fact that I am human. So when someone looks at you and basically says "Hey! We're imperfect too!" it's pretty beautiful.
With that said, I'll go ahead and tell you about my girlfriend.
Her name is Laura. She's 23 years old, a teacher, and has a heart of pure gold. She's seen a few of my flaws and smiles at them. She accepts every curve, crevice, and chip. She doesn't mind that I can't accept a compliment without hiding my face or rolling my eyes. She doesn't mind my horrible morning breath or the fact that I'm sensitive. She's seen my soft side but knows that these knuckles have had their fair share of bruises and cuts. She has felt the scars and understood why they're there. She looked in my direction and saw me. Not just this foolish exterior that so many people deem dangerous or intimidating. She knows that I've messed up and knew it was just a part of my past. Not the present. That who I was and the things I've done do not make me who I am now. They helped me become the way I am, but they do not engulf me. We're not attached at the hip either. When we go out with our friends, we all socialize but we also get into our little groups. We can be at opposite sides of the room and know neither one of us have anything to worry about. Our eyes will lock, we'll smile, and go back to whatever else it was that we were doing.
We acknowledge that we still have our separate lives to worry about. We're just two worlds that are now working together. But that's the thing. We each still have our own life. The relationship doesn't consume and drown us. I've never been in something so...mature? Haha. I guess that's the easiest way to say it. She's lovely. She sits back and she understands. She's my own personal wallflower and I get to experience more and more of her everyday. Even if we don't see each other that day. Which we don't. We don't see each other every single day. She pretty much just takes me breath away and to be honest, if it's oxygen she wants, I'd give it to her.
Aside from her and work, everything else is working out. I get lonely at times because, like I said, I don't know many people. But I'll get there eventually. It's only been a month and I'm still branching out. The friends I've made are great ones. I've been wise about who I choose to come into my life here. Not everyone deserves a place. There's so much I've yet to see in this beautiful state, along with the surrounding states. Pennsylvania, NY, Jersey, Delaware, Massachusetts, Maine, Virginia, it's as though the sights and sounds will never stop.
I think I may have found my home. Maybe not Maryland, or Baltimore, but definitely within the vicinity. We'll see.
So here's a toast to you, life. You have been difficult, cruel, giving, beautiful, harsh, kind, mean, angry, forgiving, calm, compassionate. You have given me everything I've needed and I'm excited to see what else you have to offer.
Goodbye Florida. Along with most of the people I knew. I'll be back for a few days for christmas every year but other than that, I'm never coming back. So thank you for being in my life. Even if you no longer are. It was a pleasure.
Sincerely,
Kels
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