Explosions in the sky

This seems to be recurring. Maybe I'm the one to blame. But I feel no shame. I've struggled endlessly where my palms met nails and my teeth met tongue. There was this strong pain in the gain but the gain never tasted the same as the pain. The adrenaline rush, the exhilaration that existed within the moments of constant waste; those were the moments of gain. To gradually build characteristics within your wrongs and know what it is to be able lose and love and lust and hurt. But at what expense is it to live a life? You spend days and minutes and months trying to figure out what you've done wrong instead of seeing what you've done right. Seemingly, it's easier for us to place blame on others than ourselves. That whole notion is arbitrary, isn't it? To try and fish out what isn't ours. We are the villains because we claim to be. We are the naysayers and disbelievers because we choose things that aren't good for us.

Then we have the audacity to ask God, or whatever deity we believe in, why these things are happening to us. They happen because secretly, we want them to happen. We want arguments that turn into screaming matches, we want our blood to boil, we want things to go badly. However, we want them for a specific time span. The time between when we're angry and when we're not. I did. I wanted my voice to be horse and venom to be set in each sentence that was spewed. So why is it now, now when I no longer want these things, do they happen more often than not?

I try to find the moment when I went from being this carefree, loving, blissfully ignorant kid to this upset and angry at the world adult? I guess angry isnt the proper terminology. Hmm. I guess to put it simply, I've become one of "them". I have become that person that looks to the sky and asks redundant questions. Seeking answers that I don't really want to find. Or maybe answers that have always been there for that I've taken for granted. There is no solution to an imaginary problem.

Well, I've grown tired of playing monopoly with myself. I've tossed the board across the room, set fire to the money and I've called it quits. My life, my pain, my exhaustion and anger and aggression is my fault and my fault alone. No one made me like I am. People can of course do certain things that tribute to the attitude but we're the ones that feed it.

So why don't we just stop being our own monsters? I'm calling it quits today. I will be thankful for what I have and don't have. I will find the excitement in the moments and the sky and the air and smokey rooms and the loud bars and the people laughing and crying and yelling and smiling and sobbing. I will take responsibility for the life I had led, the life I have now, and the life I will have later.

These are my mistakes. And I am thankful for them. And for you. For all of those that came, and went, and stayed, and said hello.

Thanks.

And cheers.