There's a beautiful, ugly characteristic about moving on. With anyone. Moving on can consist of leaving one life and leading into another. A life of one person, a moment, a sequence, a friendship, a love, or an entire life. And I used to think it was somewhat beautiful. I guess I still do. Any kind of movement is a choice. But the choice is only for the person committing the movement. What people fail to realize is that whatever step you make, it will effect someone else.
For example, I have stepped without thinking. My feet have sunk into potholes, leaving me with nothing but a muddy shoe and a footprint I'd rather not exist. But low and behold, I continued to mark the streets with those footprints whilst everyone else caught a glimpse of the mistakes. However, I've also dug my toes into the sand and watched the sea erase my mental canvas, thus allowing me to paint something new. Something fresh. And it was glorious.
I remember sharing my internal brush with other painters. Creating this wonderful picture of colors that interacted and danced together. Sadly, it seems as though their limbs grew tired. Those young hands that used to be so still and balanced and beautiful and interwoven slipped from each others grasp. And the wind took them away that night. Or that day. Or that hour or minute.
I speak in metaphor because it's easier to explain loss this way.
This year, I lost more than I have in a long time. I lost love. Well...I guess I lost it long ago. But I finally stopped putting up missing signs. And that was a beautiful moment of movement. There's always pain in letting go but there's also relief. The loss I'm really referring to is that of a platonic standpoint. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm really the one in the wrong with all these people.
But maybe I'm not.
Everyone develops a life of their own at some point. The need to rely and lean fades and surely, I've done this too. I'm not placing blame nor calling myself innocent in any way. Instead, I reflect on what has been lost and possibly why it went missing in the first place. People I was close to less than two months ago, I'm no longer. People whom I have been friends with for years and have lived carelessly with, I've suddenly found myself walking on eggshells around. I have to constantly remind myself not to say a certain thing, not to put a certain song on, not to bring up that one time when so and so did this and that.
I'm a human censor.
Well, anyone who knows me well is already aware that censorship and withholding doesn't stand well with me. I become impatient, angry, and extremely emotional because of it. But it was something I had to do with a best friend. Hell, I'm still doing it. And I don't think she's noticed at all. I don't think she noticed how hurt I was by her words and anger over such a miniscule situation. She stands so tall and preaches about loyalty but it feels like she may have forgotten her own.
And that's the sad part about moving on. You can be the same wonderful person for years and then one day, you wake up and you're completely different. But you don't really notice it. You don't notice it because that's who you are now. You can't witness nor feel yourself change if it's a part of you. I've heard so many people say "No one knows you better than yourself" but I think it's complete rubbish. Personally, I think we're the people who know the least. We're the kids who mistake our identity for something we'd prefer it to be. And while the people around us disintegrate, we question ourselves why.
Why did this person do that? Or why did I do that? Why can't I be here? Why don't I feel happy here? What do I do? We're always so busy asking ourselves questions that we forget we have those people closest to our hearts with open answers. They're just waiting for their turn to speak.
And you can choose to stay in the same place and ask yourself questions...
Or you can choose to pick up your muddy feet and travel into the answers. Into the mouths of those whom love us most.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what you do, you have to move on. From anything and anyone. You just have to choose which direction you want to move.
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