These fears and worries are starting to build. They carry a weight I consider unbearable. With my back in constant pain and my tears a constant stain, I'm lacking confidence. I know we say everything will be fine this time. I know you say that this is something you want. That you're different. That I'm different. But I can't trust that. Not yet. And I only have 24 days left here. I know, I know. You're supposed to be moving to Gainesville soon as well but how will that work out? How will you even afford the trip up there? I'm so scared of you. Of us. Of the future.
I'm trying not to dwell on the fear. This may very well be PMS talking right now. Or stress. Because it's hit me out of nowhere. I know you feel stress and fear as well. I guess...I just want to get away. I don't know nor care how many times I've said it. I'm just sick of the intrusions, interruptions, and lack of privacy. Regardless of where we are. Be it your room, my room, my car, or out alone. People are always walking in, calling in, or speaking out. I just want to be able to come to your place. Or you come to my place. And it be completely our space. To lay with you without having to worry about anyone else but ourselves.
As hard as it is sometimes and as insecure and complicated as I seem sometimes, I love you. I am head over heels in love with you. And I would do absolutely anything for you. I guess I just need to know and feel like you would do the same. And I'm not sure you would sometimes. I feel like you're sometimes so easily distracted with what others are doing or what they'll think that you forget about what I might think or need. I'm not asking you to put me first. I know this is no fairytale. I guess I'm just asking you to try and be more serious sometimes. I love the fact we can act completely stupid with one another...but if there's a moment, let there be a moment.
I don't want to feel like this is all a joke. But like I said...this might just be PMS talking. Regardless, it's still something I needed to say. Even if you never read this.
I love you, little foot. I hope none of this upset you in any way. And if it did, please take a breath and try to see where I'm coming from. That's all. <3
Monday, July 18, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Technical Difficulties
How can I breathe easy with a gag in my mouth? I'm sick of staring at my feet as I walk. Having to watch my step is such a dreary and lonesome way to live. I've not opened my mouth in a way to be deemed disrespectful. Nor have I raised my hand to you. Not even a finger. Oh but here you are spilling out words that sting like pure venom. They cut to the bone; carrying daggers along the way. I thought tonight would be different. A night and day away we spent from each other and you felt closer than you do tonight.
I'm not perfect. I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm going to be oblivious and forgetful and sometimes even bitter. It's called being human. But when I have to watch how I breathe, I feel a need to leave. To run and never look back. How can I be the bigger person when you make me feel so small? I would jump to the farthest end of this world for you but I will not be bound by ropes while doing so. This constant game of falling short has grown dull and disappointing.
I know you have a bad habit to break and I will do my best to stick by you...but I won't allow myself to feel like a child who didnt eat my vegetables. If you're angry, so be it. But it's unnecessary and immature to implode and then explode. You need to learn to breathe and calmly bring it to my attention. Whatever the problem may be. Because I'm not 12. I'm 21. I should not feel any younger or unintelligent than what and who I am now. I love you and I will stick to my word as much as I can. That you can trust. But you should also know I'm not the girl you knew before. And I won't lock myself in a room with a constant problem. I don't deserve it. We'll see...
I'm not perfect. I'm bound to make mistakes. I'm going to be oblivious and forgetful and sometimes even bitter. It's called being human. But when I have to watch how I breathe, I feel a need to leave. To run and never look back. How can I be the bigger person when you make me feel so small? I would jump to the farthest end of this world for you but I will not be bound by ropes while doing so. This constant game of falling short has grown dull and disappointing.
I know you have a bad habit to break and I will do my best to stick by you...but I won't allow myself to feel like a child who didnt eat my vegetables. If you're angry, so be it. But it's unnecessary and immature to implode and then explode. You need to learn to breathe and calmly bring it to my attention. Whatever the problem may be. Because I'm not 12. I'm 21. I should not feel any younger or unintelligent than what and who I am now. I love you and I will stick to my word as much as I can. That you can trust. But you should also know I'm not the girl you knew before. And I won't lock myself in a room with a constant problem. I don't deserve it. We'll see...
Monday, July 11, 2011
This fear is afraid to be conquered.
Here we are.
Arm to arm. Side to side.
Grabbing at clothes with heavy breathing.
I can taste your breathe on my lips tonight and there's no where else I'd rather be.
How can I say this without being too extreme?
Can I call you my rapture?
My own personal inebriation?
It's strange to see myself in your mirror laying where I am. I never thought I would be here again. I thought we were over this time. That you were so set in your ways. That you could never look at me as the same girl you fell in love with. Oh, but here I am looking to my right and all I see is your face sleeping so peacefully. Your hand in mine as I write this. Which is difficult doing with just one hand on an iPhone. *I transferred this over*
You always say I can never get enough when it comes to us kissing. Well, you're right. I can't. The feeling of your soft lips, the scent in the air that changes when you get close to me, the look in your eyes, and the small smile that reveals itself every. single. time. That's what I'm addicted to. Combine all of those and it's as though someone shot me up with adrenaline. My breath is caught in my throat and my mind becomes nothing more than a blender full of mixed words. And for that one moment, no matter how long, my heart races. It's also the only time I feel excited. I feel like a kid who's going to Disney or a kid in a candy store. I feel things that I thought my father destroyed.
And when we cuddle, I feel something different. I feel a different kind of happiness. I feel safe, and warm, and free. I feel like I could do absolutely anything at that moment and nothing could harm me. During those moments, I feel loved more than I ever have in my entire life. No one gives me the feelings you do, my dear. No one ever could. You broke through an entire wall and saw me. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. And we've both gone through the worst. We know what life feels like to live without one another. Neither of us were entirely happy. We learned how to be content and accept that life. But for me, the entire time there was a piece missing. Actually, a whole fucking section.
We were made to find each other. To know what love is, what it feels like to really lose it, and what it feels like to get it back. You're my magnet and we're stuck together. There's no force big enough to take us away. I hope your plans to move fall through. I don't want to be seven hours away from the girl I love.
Thank you for coming into my life, temporarily tearing it apart and allowing me to put it back together. On my own this time. I love you, Nikole. From now until the day my heart stops beating. There's no guarantees that either of us can make...but this time, things are different. And the future we want together is looking brighter and more beautiful each day that we spend together.
Thank you for offering me menthol cigarettes that one night. Haha. <3 <3
Arm to arm. Side to side.
Grabbing at clothes with heavy breathing.
I can taste your breathe on my lips tonight and there's no where else I'd rather be.
How can I say this without being too extreme?
Can I call you my rapture?
My own personal inebriation?
It's strange to see myself in your mirror laying where I am. I never thought I would be here again. I thought we were over this time. That you were so set in your ways. That you could never look at me as the same girl you fell in love with. Oh, but here I am looking to my right and all I see is your face sleeping so peacefully. Your hand in mine as I write this. Which is difficult doing with just one hand on an iPhone. *I transferred this over*
You always say I can never get enough when it comes to us kissing. Well, you're right. I can't. The feeling of your soft lips, the scent in the air that changes when you get close to me, the look in your eyes, and the small smile that reveals itself every. single. time. That's what I'm addicted to. Combine all of those and it's as though someone shot me up with adrenaline. My breath is caught in my throat and my mind becomes nothing more than a blender full of mixed words. And for that one moment, no matter how long, my heart races. It's also the only time I feel excited. I feel like a kid who's going to Disney or a kid in a candy store. I feel things that I thought my father destroyed.
And when we cuddle, I feel something different. I feel a different kind of happiness. I feel safe, and warm, and free. I feel like I could do absolutely anything at that moment and nothing could harm me. During those moments, I feel loved more than I ever have in my entire life. No one gives me the feelings you do, my dear. No one ever could. You broke through an entire wall and saw me. The good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. And we've both gone through the worst. We know what life feels like to live without one another. Neither of us were entirely happy. We learned how to be content and accept that life. But for me, the entire time there was a piece missing. Actually, a whole fucking section.
We were made to find each other. To know what love is, what it feels like to really lose it, and what it feels like to get it back. You're my magnet and we're stuck together. There's no force big enough to take us away. I hope your plans to move fall through. I don't want to be seven hours away from the girl I love.
Thank you for coming into my life, temporarily tearing it apart and allowing me to put it back together. On my own this time. I love you, Nikole. From now until the day my heart stops beating. There's no guarantees that either of us can make...but this time, things are different. And the future we want together is looking brighter and more beautiful each day that we spend together.
Thank you for offering me menthol cigarettes that one night. Haha. <3 <3
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The inevitability of our abilities.
Change is completely untouchable. We can try to hold onto the things in our lives but at some point, our hands slip. And everything seems to fall between our fingers as easily as sand. It's when we look down and see nothing that we start to panic. And that's the problem. It's not that we have nothing. It's just that we control nothing. People say that you can take control of your life at any moment. Well, maybe we're not comprehending the proper meaning.
To control ones life, entirely, means to control every moment, every step, and every change. Amongst other things. But we can't do that. As humans, we're bound to trip and fall over a small crack. Or find ourselves spinning within a moment to a point where we end up lost. Or we latch on to something so no change can happen without our will. But even then, there's a change. There's a moment. And there's definitely a step we shouldn't have taken.
I've walked far within this skin. Perhaps further than I should've. Or maybe I've just been walking on my heels a bit too hard. But the point is that I've learned. The hard way. I know what it is to lose a friend. To both life and death. To lose a love to finding someone new, and becoming someone new. I've lost family, money, happiness, compassion, etc. I'm sure I've lost everything at least once. But I gained it back. I always gained it back. The loss is always just temporary. At some point, there's a gain.
This time, I can't help but feel as though my gain will also be a loss. I lost a friend. A best friend. All due to ultimatums and misunderstandings. And it kills. Or rather, it could. But it won't. Not me, anyway. Do I think of that friend? Of course. All the time. I miss our conversations that ended with our silence and I miss our laughter that sometimes ended with our tears. I miss the moments that we're easy. When you didn't lose yourself so deeply that you lost those around you.
But that's just another piece of life that ended up being completely inevitable. Regardless of what I could've done differently. You would have never been happy. It was always something I did. Or something someone else did. But you never stopped to think that maybe it was what you were doing. None of us are perfect. We make mistakes. But you dwell and linger on those mistakes. You manifest them.
And it created a monster. A monster that taunted those without reason. I'm sorry, my friend, but I refuse to be a string amongst your bruised fingers for you to toss side to side. Let me know when you're able to accept the fact that I'm centered. I'm a neutral post and flag.
To control ones life, entirely, means to control every moment, every step, and every change. Amongst other things. But we can't do that. As humans, we're bound to trip and fall over a small crack. Or find ourselves spinning within a moment to a point where we end up lost. Or we latch on to something so no change can happen without our will. But even then, there's a change. There's a moment. And there's definitely a step we shouldn't have taken.
I've walked far within this skin. Perhaps further than I should've. Or maybe I've just been walking on my heels a bit too hard. But the point is that I've learned. The hard way. I know what it is to lose a friend. To both life and death. To lose a love to finding someone new, and becoming someone new. I've lost family, money, happiness, compassion, etc. I'm sure I've lost everything at least once. But I gained it back. I always gained it back. The loss is always just temporary. At some point, there's a gain.
This time, I can't help but feel as though my gain will also be a loss. I lost a friend. A best friend. All due to ultimatums and misunderstandings. And it kills. Or rather, it could. But it won't. Not me, anyway. Do I think of that friend? Of course. All the time. I miss our conversations that ended with our silence and I miss our laughter that sometimes ended with our tears. I miss the moments that we're easy. When you didn't lose yourself so deeply that you lost those around you.
But that's just another piece of life that ended up being completely inevitable. Regardless of what I could've done differently. You would have never been happy. It was always something I did. Or something someone else did. But you never stopped to think that maybe it was what you were doing. None of us are perfect. We make mistakes. But you dwell and linger on those mistakes. You manifest them.
And it created a monster. A monster that taunted those without reason. I'm sorry, my friend, but I refuse to be a string amongst your bruised fingers for you to toss side to side. Let me know when you're able to accept the fact that I'm centered. I'm a neutral post and flag.
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