Disintegration

These fears and worries are starting to build. They carry a weight I consider unbearable. With my back in constant pain and my tears a constant stain, I'm lacking confidence. I know we say everything will be fine this time. I know you say that this is something you want. That you're different. That I'm different. But I can't trust that. Not yet. And I only have 24 days left here. I know, I know. You're supposed to be moving to Gainesville soon as well but how will that work out? How will you even afford the trip up there? I'm so scared of you. Of us. Of the future.

I'm trying not to dwell on the fear. This may very well be PMS talking right now. Or stress. Because it's hit me out of nowhere. I know you feel stress and fear as well. I guess...I just want to get away. I don't know nor care how many times I've said it. I'm just sick of the intrusions, interruptions, and lack of privacy. Regardless of where we are. Be it your room, my room, my car, or out alone. People are always walking in, calling in, or speaking out. I just want to be able to come to your place. Or you come to my place. And it be completely our space. To lay with you without having to worry about anyone else but ourselves.

As hard as it is sometimes and as insecure and complicated as I seem sometimes, I love you. I am head over heels in love with you. And I would do absolutely anything for you. I guess I just need to know and feel like you would do the same. And I'm not sure you would sometimes. I feel like you're sometimes so easily distracted with what others are doing or what they'll think that you forget about what I might think or need. I'm not asking you to put me first. I know this is no fairytale. I guess I'm just asking you to try and be more serious sometimes. I love the fact we can act completely stupid with one another...but if there's a moment, let there be a moment.

I don't want to feel like this is all a joke. But like I said...this might just be PMS talking. Regardless, it's still something I needed to say. Even if you never read this.

I love you, little foot. I hope none of this upset you in any way. And if it did, please take a breath and try to see where I'm coming from. That's all. <3