The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I just finished reading my book. I don't know why I didn't read it sooner. I remember hearing about it in high school. In the hallways. The cafeteria. The english classes that had the choice of reading it for a paper. I heard the name everywhere. But I never picked it up.

Until a couple months ago.

It took me a while to actually give it the chance it deserved. But I did. I finally picked it up this week, threw on some Faded Paper Figures, and dove right in. As soon as I read the first page, I figured it'd be like most other books I had read in the past. Starting with the line "Dear friend," I thought 'oh, just another kid writing to his diary about his turmoils, drug abuse, sex addiction, being an outcast, etc.' And I was wrong.

I'm not sure how long I laid in the bath tonight. I lost track of time. But I held onto this book as though I was shaking hands with god himself. The story was quite simple, though I won't say too much about it. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who might read this and then choose to read that.

But here's a summary.

This boy, a freshman in high school, is the most amazing boy I've ever read about. I wish he were real. He's a bit of a loner and doesn't speak to many people. Until he meets Patrick and Sam. Also amazing people. They change his life. They introduce him to a world where conversing with others is comfortable and refreshing. Where being alone isn't always a good thing. And his life fluctuates. It becomes this adrenaline rush of beautiful, ugly, sweet, bitter, wonderful, horrible moments.

That's all I'll really say when it comes to the book itself.

So why am I writing about it?

Because I've never had a book where I felt I gained friends from a simple story. I have traveled the world, met mythical creatures, endured rehab and drug abuse, sex abuse, accidental murder, suicide, I've felt and seen it all through my books. But I never befriended a fictional character.

This time, I did.

As my eyes scanned the pages, I felt like I was there for it all. I was in the room with everyone at big boys, I knew bill and I wrote book reports, I danced at the prom after party, I was there when Patrick and _______ got caught. I felt every emotion. And then I said goodbye as everyone went off to live their lives.

I felt free. Or rather, "Infinite" as Charlie says. I'm not sure if its the way it was written, or the imagery, setting, plot, etc that made me feel like it was my story. But I could empathize on a level deeper than I have before. With every single character. I knew what it was to love someone who doesn't love you, to want to do something, not do it, and then realize later that I probably should have.

Tonight, I'm at peace. And maybe that has a lot to do with what I did today. I finally let go of the last piece. And I didn't have to do it alone. I had nick with me. Who is basically my brother. Or my husband. That changes day to day depending on how we feel or what we do. When we get into small petty arguments as I'm putting food on the table or making him tea for his cold or making sure he's okay through the night, we're an old married couple. But when we just talk and hang out and talk about girls, old and new, we're brother and sister.

Either way.

Today, he helped me let go of so many things by getting rid of one thing.

And because of this eye opening, colorful and beautiful book, I know that I've let go. I let go a long time ago. I was just holding on by a shred. A small piece. But now that piece is gone. Those feelings are gone. And any grasp I once had, I have no longer.

I've grown to appreciate so many people and moments in my life. I'm not bitter or sad anymore. I'm 100% myself again. I realized that when, the other night, I was speaking to a friend and said with the most sincerity "as long as every one is happy, friend or foe, than I can carry a genuine smile. Because honestly, that's all I want. I want people to breathe in colors and paint this world with their speech. I want to look people in the eyes and see nothing but a swirl of hopes and dreams as they smile. Thats all I want. A world full of smiles. They don't have to be for me or because of me. So long as happiness is the outcome. For everyone."

I actually copied that from the text so I'd have it word for word. I know if I didn't, I would've written something along the lines of "PEOPLE GOOD HAPPY YAY" or something. I need to start taking my gecko bologna(Golgi boloba...I think. I call it gecko since I never remember the real name).

I'm still working at this whole "love yourself no matter what" stuff, but I'm happy. I'm still able to laugh and joke, but I appreciate everyone.

And whoever is reading this, whether it be you, or Amanda, or Terri, or Stefy, or anyone else, I appreciate you. I love you. I hope you're happy. I hope you find, and get, everything you want and more. Thank you.

Doubtful Believers

I'm not oblivious. I just act that way. It's easier for me to go about living the way I do if people really believe that I'm that ignorant to obvious facts. But I'm not.

I know when there's a pink elephant in the room, I just ignore it. I know when people don't want me around, I just look the other way. I know when someone doesn't want to be alone with me, but I let that feeling go.

I used to over analyze. And I always knew when I was. But nowadays, I know my gut is always right. It just sucks to think that certain people think I have ulterior motives. I can feel it. And realistically, I don't. I have my own stuff to deal with. I have no time to try and work on other things with other people.

So I'll set this straight.

I want nothing more than friendship. From anyone. If within time something develops, so be it. But I have no expectations nor do I plan on forcing anything to happen. Fate has lead me to where I am. I'm not delicate, dramatic, or juvenile in any way anymore. I know right from wrong and truth from lie.

What is in the past belongs there. I'm not looking to renew anything. I'm at a point where building from the ground up is the most ideal situation.

I've let it go. So why is it that I feel people are still afraid of the old me? If I've let her go, why can't everyone else? If everyone else is allowed to change and become a new person, why can't I? Where's my benefit of the doubt? I wish someone could answer this for me.

What if what ifs didnt exist?

It's 1:13 am and here I am, chin sitting in the most uncomfortable position, praying to God I'll get some rest tonight. I haven't been sleeping well for the past month or so. Not much, anyway. There's so much stress at the moment that I sometimes wake up feeling like someone punched me in the jaw.

I grind my teeth at night, incase youre one of the people who don't know.

Though I am happy with the way I've been dealing. I haven't gotten drunk for about 2 or 3 weeks now. I'm slowly killing my cigarette habit, and I've been trying to stay positive every day. I have my moments but everyone does so it's no bad thing, really. The only thing I do now, is smoke weed. Not always. Not everyday. Just here and there when I really need something to calm my nerves. But I don't think it's only the weed. My roommate, Nick, has also been spending time with me, listening to me when I speak/vent. He's seen almost every emotion. Besides crying. He hasn't seen me do that, haha.

Oh I'm rambling.

I am excited to move though. I was really nervous before but I have a lot of people waiting for me back home so it's nice that I have friends like that.

And,

My mom and her friends went to a spiritual camp for a few days. She saw a psychic and, of course, asked her to talk about me.

Well!

This woman was unbelievable. She told my mom of things in the past, the devastation(actually me being really dramatic and young) I went through last year, etc. It was like she was right there with me the whole time. Weird. Anyway, she also said that the move was going to go fine, I'm going to get a job and love it, and that everything will fall how I want it too.

Unfortunately, there's always two sides to each story.

I'm going to come across someone. A new person into the group. And I'm going to hook up with that person, she'll want a relationship, I won't, and that person is going to get pissed and vengeful about it. Apparently, she's gonna try to get my friends against me. Hmmm. That sounds fun! We'll see what happens though. Even if things get rough, I'm not going down.

I'm happy. Even when I complain, I'm still happy. I'm just upset for the moment. But generally, I have everything I need right now and that's all I want.

I had more, and I'm sure I'll read this tomorrow thinking "WTF did I write?!" but that's okay. Because I'm high so I don't expect to write like Robert Frost at the moment. Haha!

Breaking the routine

For majority of my life, I've tried living up to people's expectations. Doing what they say is right, wearing clothes I didn't want to, and being someone who wasn't really me. Albeit, I had my times when I'd show my true colors, but only for people to catch a glimpse. It wasn't until recently that I decided to deviate from my plan of following said routine and go in the complete opposite direction. The place and person that makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Regardless of the time and effort it takes.

I have nothing to lose. People say well, where's you're self respect? Your integrity? Your self devotion? Well, it's there. But it doesn't stop me from doing what I think is right. For me and only me. It's normal for people to freak out over the unexpected, cry over getting the opposite of what they want, and hurt when everything they knew is suddenly gone. It's called confusion. Change makes people uncomfortable because they no longer know what to expect. It used to drive me mad to not know what was going on with whom and where it was happening. But now, I've shed that skin. That's all it was. A veil of an age. But now I know better. Now I'm wiser and less ignorant. My thoughts and self control have reached such a climax, I thought it infinite. It's not. Nothing ever is. We're all bound to break at some point. We just have to remember that it's only a moment. A time to look back on and say "Damn! Did I really do/say/think that way?!" I do. I look back and think to myself that my god, I was so juvenile! Sometimes it even leaves a bad taste in my mouth. That's youth though. It's life. We grow and evolve.

So today, I confidentially say that I'm going for whatever I feel is right for me. It may bite me in the ass but hey, you only live once so why not?

There will be no blank spaces within my painting.