I just finished reading my book. I don't know why I didn't read it sooner. I remember hearing about it in high school. In the hallways. The cafeteria. The english classes that had the choice of reading it for a paper. I heard the name everywhere. But I never picked it up.
Until a couple months ago.
It took me a while to actually give it the chance it deserved. But I did. I finally picked it up this week, threw on some Faded Paper Figures, and dove right in. As soon as I read the first page, I figured it'd be like most other books I had read in the past. Starting with the line "Dear friend," I thought 'oh, just another kid writing to his diary about his turmoils, drug abuse, sex addiction, being an outcast, etc.' And I was wrong.
I'm not sure how long I laid in the bath tonight. I lost track of time. But I held onto this book as though I was shaking hands with god himself. The story was quite simple, though I won't say too much about it. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who might read this and then choose to read that.
But here's a summary.
This boy, a freshman in high school, is the most amazing boy I've ever read about. I wish he were real. He's a bit of a loner and doesn't speak to many people. Until he meets Patrick and Sam. Also amazing people. They change his life. They introduce him to a world where conversing with others is comfortable and refreshing. Where being alone isn't always a good thing. And his life fluctuates. It becomes this adrenaline rush of beautiful, ugly, sweet, bitter, wonderful, horrible moments.
That's all I'll really say when it comes to the book itself.
So why am I writing about it?
Because I've never had a book where I felt I gained friends from a simple story. I have traveled the world, met mythical creatures, endured rehab and drug abuse, sex abuse, accidental murder, suicide, I've felt and seen it all through my books. But I never befriended a fictional character.
This time, I did.
As my eyes scanned the pages, I felt like I was there for it all. I was in the room with everyone at big boys, I knew bill and I wrote book reports, I danced at the prom after party, I was there when Patrick and _______ got caught. I felt every emotion. And then I said goodbye as everyone went off to live their lives.
I felt free. Or rather, "Infinite" as Charlie says. I'm not sure if its the way it was written, or the imagery, setting, plot, etc that made me feel like it was my story. But I could empathize on a level deeper than I have before. With every single character. I knew what it was to love someone who doesn't love you, to want to do something, not do it, and then realize later that I probably should have.
Tonight, I'm at peace. And maybe that has a lot to do with what I did today. I finally let go of the last piece. And I didn't have to do it alone. I had nick with me. Who is basically my brother. Or my husband. That changes day to day depending on how we feel or what we do. When we get into small petty arguments as I'm putting food on the table or making him tea for his cold or making sure he's okay through the night, we're an old married couple. But when we just talk and hang out and talk about girls, old and new, we're brother and sister.
Either way.
Today, he helped me let go of so many things by getting rid of one thing.
And because of this eye opening, colorful and beautiful book, I know that I've let go. I let go a long time ago. I was just holding on by a shred. A small piece. But now that piece is gone. Those feelings are gone. And any grasp I once had, I have no longer.
I've grown to appreciate so many people and moments in my life. I'm not bitter or sad anymore. I'm 100% myself again. I realized that when, the other night, I was speaking to a friend and said with the most sincerity "as long as every one is happy, friend or foe, than I can carry a genuine smile. Because honestly, that's all I want. I want people to breathe in colors and paint this world with their speech. I want to look people in the eyes and see nothing but a swirl of hopes and dreams as they smile. Thats all I want. A world full of smiles. They don't have to be for me or because of me. So long as happiness is the outcome. For everyone."
I actually copied that from the text so I'd have it word for word. I know if I didn't, I would've written something along the lines of "PEOPLE GOOD HAPPY YAY" or something. I need to start taking my gecko bologna(Golgi boloba...I think. I call it gecko since I never remember the real name).
I'm still working at this whole "love yourself no matter what" stuff, but I'm happy. I'm still able to laugh and joke, but I appreciate everyone.
And whoever is reading this, whether it be you, or Amanda, or Terri, or Stefy, or anyone else, I appreciate you. I love you. I hope you're happy. I hope you find, and get, everything you want and more. Thank you.
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