Not much to say but a whole lot to feel

I haven't written in some time. Not in this nor my journal. And I'm not going to write much right now either.

Nothing is good right now. My family holds so much anger and resentment for me. I can't walk out of my room without feeling like there's someones hands wrapped around my neck. I don't have many friends and it feels like I'm continuously losing more and more. Even the closest ones have distanced themselves. More or less due to their own battles but I guess I'm a part of that too.

The weird thing is that usually, I'd be a mess about all of this. Crying and questioning. But recently, I think I numbed myself. Or maybe turned off my feelings. I can't feel anything but uncertainty and uncomfortable. But I feel no grief anymore. I feel no happiness nor sadness, I guess. I just don't care anymore.

And what makes it all worse is that I don't care that I don't care. It doesn't leave a feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't lose sleep over it.

I tried to die. Instead, I died trying.

And I don't care.

That's cool

Another journal break time. Where do I start? Hm.

Well, Michaela and I were a total no-go. She became really shady so I put an end to it. I wasn't really bothered by doing so. That's become quite routine actually. I can't express to you how many women have gone in and out of my life these past few months. And all by my accord. It's usually the other way around. I get attached, clingy, needy, and allow my desire to consume me. Now, I'm lucky if I'm interested in someone for more than a week. It's cool though. I prefer it this way. I worry about myself and only myself. I don't have to worry about arguments or pain or anger. None of that inconsistent bullshit. Some people say I've grown too comfortable being alone. Well, excuse me, but you're talking to a Gemini. We're extremists. Most of us, anyway. Like I said in my last post, I've found my balance. Blissful, it is.

As for Jaselyn, we're still talking. I'm still unsure of anything when it comes to her. She's not shady, she's honest, and she works her ass off. So much so that it gets in the way of us hanging out. Kinda shitty but I work a lot as well. And come September 18th or so, I'll officially be a manager. It's not that difficult. It's more to remember but not too bad. So I kinda understand where she's coming from. Neither of us will have time, or rather, much of it, but we still find time to text or make a phone call. Which majority of the time is spent laughing. It doesn't matter how bad our days are, as soon as we speak, everything is okay again. We laugh off the stress and it's such a breath of fresh air.

I'm still in a rut though. I'm not in love anymore. With anyone. I have a problem even crushing on anyone. But I can't seem to open myself up. I feel like it used to be so easy and it used to come naturally. Now, I think someone might have to beat my shell open like you would lobster claws. I don't blame anyone for the way I am now. I just kind of grew up into my opposite. Perhaps my other Gemini twin? I don't know. Memories still play games with my mind here and there. They show me all the things I can't allow myself to do with someone else. Kissing, sure. Holding hands, cool. But the cuddling and long staring...yeah. Not happening.

First of all, I hate direct eye contact. I start to feel really awkward and actually get really turned off. And someone who is always texting me or calling me will turn me off 100%. I don't do that to anyone anymore. Hell, I don't even look at my phone half the time. Also, and this is something I grew out of, but what's with girls and their bullshit fantasies of a notebook romance? Okay yeah, it's cute and all that jazz but seriously? Either stop crying and writing to me or get the hell off my porch.

Mind you, Jaselyn is none of those things. Yet. And I really hope she doesn't become that way. I dig attention but stalking isn't something I'm fond of. I've done my fair share of riding peoples asses with my exes and, oh...oh. Excuse me while I puke on the person I was back then. Putrid bitch. Haha.

Living situation time.

I've been trying to save so hard but I feel like I can't get past 800$. As soon as I get a bit farther, I need gas or end up spending money on some other shit. Like cigarettes. Which I'm quitting soon. It's just too expensive. Hopefully with this promotion, I'll be able to get my own place in no time. After having a nice conversation with Terri last night, she helped me put my life into retrospect. I've been really hard on myself lately. With money, family, friends, work, etc. No one has been putting me into a dark corner except myself. A characteristic that really needs to beat it.

Sure, people put me down and shit but fuck em. I just have to work on the whole sensitivity thing. Because lezbihonest, I'm a sensitive bitch. I still cry over shitty movies. For example, Listen To Your Heart is quite possibly the cheesiest, worst movie on netflix and my god, it brings me to my knees haha.

Aside from the routine bullshit, I don't really have any complaints. My life is beautiful in the simplest ways. Guess I'm just searching for another thrill. I'll find it eventually. Maybe in school? Work? Love? The gym? Chipotle? Who knows.

I'm pretty content with the unknown since I know so little of what the future holds.

Oh! Terri and I are getting matching tats on our feet. Both of them. And it's going to take up majority of each foot. Goody. The idea is awesome and so us but fuck, I'm pretty sure my feet is the one part of me with no fat on it. Boney, vein popping things. I'm scared shitless but I'm so excited. We also decided we're going to move together. We don't know where or when, but its a mutual agreement for sometime in the future.

Anyway, my computers fan broke and it's starting to overheat so extremely that my hands are sweating. Gross bro.

Later.

Hi?

I decided to write in this tonight. It's been a while and I think my journal needs a break. I also think it's tired of having unreadable chicken scratch in it haha. Horrible, horrible hand writing.

Anyways.

A lot has happened. Nothing bad necessarily. I guess you could say it's quite the contrary. I got a job so my bank account has really been building. I save just about every penny. Unless it's time for a beer night. Sorry savings, but sometimes a beer is just essential to my day. I got a second job and then found out the next day that I'm becoming a manager at my current job. So I'll be a part time manager and a part time driver. Altogether, I'll be working about 50-60 hours a week. Nothing I'm not used to, though. In Tallahassee I'd work my ass off. I've just never been a manager before. Nor have I been offered the position so it makes me a bit nervous. I'll be okay. I want it enough. It's a bit mind boggling. I've only been there a little over a month and already they're offering me the position. I'm extremely happy. I love the people I work with. 

Especially Randy. He's my other manager and my fellow whiteboy of the store. He's my age and a total sweetie. He's kinda like a brother to me in a way until we start talking about girls. I'm fairly sure the things we speak about, normal siblings don't. I definitely got lucky with this job. It pays the bills and is allowing me to save to get my own place. I'm so excited to live on my own again. I love my family but with Kirra's pregnancy, my mom's constant need to be the membrane of the house, and Glen being a giant potato, I think I'm ready to go back to my life. Also, I really, really, really miss spending time with Emily and a beer on the couch. Poor girl hasn't been used in so long. Her, Naomi, me and Nick need to have a play date when I get my own place. (Side note: Emily is my bowl. Naomi is Nick's bong.)

We'll see what my wallet looks like once this position starts up and I can work out how much I can afford for rent and such. There's a couple people who want to room with me/I want to room with. Dami, Bri, Karytza, Priscilla, and Terri if it's affordable. All of them are amazing people that I can picture myself with. Nick wants to move out too but he just can't afford it. I'd love to live with him. For the rest of my life. Haha! 

Aside from work, nothing else has really been happening. I guess I can tell you about my whole dating situation? 

I've dated a few girls. And dismissed almost all of them. Except two. Jaselyn and Michaela. I'm starting to think I cant date girls with normal names. Shawnda, Mariska, Nikole(she spelled it with a K so she counts), Lilly, and  now these two. Except now I'm in such a rutt. I like Jaselyn for her personality. It's perfect for me in so many ways but I don't know if we'd work out as a couple. Maybe great friends, but the whole relationship thing has me on the fence. As for Michaela, I like her a lot. I think she's interesting and has a really good heart but she's damaged. Her mind is warped with this false reality and the people she surrounds herself with aren't good. At all. Oh hey! That's probably why I like her so much. I love the broken ones. 

But I know that, at some point, I'll find someone. I'm not searching. People just keep walking in and out of my life. I've grown okay with it; Comfortable. It doesn't bother me like I used to. And at least I can honestly say that every girl I've dated(except Shawnda) weren't bad girls. They all had flaws but did beautiful, amazing things for me. Maybe not all the time, and sure, they hurt me here and there. But they aren't bad people. They just weren't meant for me. I'm okay with that. Hell, I'm okay with a lot of things now. I don't regret my mistakes or accidents or pain. Why should I? I learned from it. I started to control myself after my last mishap. My drinking isn't continuously spiraling and my tolerance has actually gone down. 5 beer queer here. 

I don't know. I feel like I've changed immensely. Sometimes I miss the girl I was at 19. Happy, carefree, simple, and didn't give a fuck. But now, I do care. I do what's appropriate in certain places, I'm not obnoxious, I respect people, and when I get angry, all it takes is one long breath in and one long breath out for me to let go of the moment. People don't like my change, but I kinda do. I'm a gemini. I'm full of extremes. But I think I've finally found my balance. My tranquility. 

I don't apologize for every step I take or every word I say. I don't know how else to say it but I've finally begun to paint my own life. And so far, it's beautiful. Even with the blotches and rips in the paper.

Also, to you, yes the usual you, I hope you're doing well. I heard you hurt yourself somehow. I hope you got it fixed up. Hell, I'm not even sure if you still look at this old thing but if you do, I send you and your family all the best wishes. I'm not sure if you're dating or not, it's not really my business. Fuck, okay. Let me just sum up what I'm saying. I hope you get anything and everything you want! Endless amounts of money, popcorn, love, etc. I'm sure I'll run into you and give you a casual wave one day. Till then, old friend.

As for you, blog. I'll see you around. I'm at a loss for words, I have to pee, I'm thirsty, and I need a cigarette. Bet you 5 dollars I smoke before all the rest?

Changes

It's been a considerable amount of time since I've written in my actual blog. Like I stated before, I'm using tumblr more than anything. Though, I use it more for comedic purposes than I do for jotting things down. So I'm sorry, old friend. I didn't mean to neglect you of words and feelings. But I'm here now!

So where do I start?

I guess I'll start here.

Things at home have been okay. Some days are really good and I'm really quite happy I'm home. Other days, I regret the decision entirely and ask myself why I even bothered. I feel like I'm constantly contradicting myself when it comes to my decisions. Both past and present.

My mom is doing well but work is really starting to get to her. 

Glen is still the lazy arrogant fool but I'm doing my absolute best to ignore him.

Manny, Kirra and the baby have settled in quite nicely. We haven't gotten into any real arguments yet. Just subtle and fun nitpicks here and there. Oh, and Kirra is pregnant again! I believe she's at 2 or 3 months now but I could be wrong. I think she's almost done with the first trimester. I say this because her hormones haven't made me crazy recently. She took a gender test, the ones you get at walgreens, the other night and it said it'll be a boy. My mom is convinced otherwise but I guess we'll see when the doctor can actually tell us. I would love a nephew but another niece would be fantastic as well. I would've told you sooner, blog, but there's an old wives tale that it's bad to speak up about it before it hits the 3 month marker. I only told those close to me when I first found out. 

As for me, things have been rough but also smooth. I feel like I've been indirectly pissing people off lately but I'm just at a point in my life where I don't care. I know who matters and I know who is meant to be in my life for the long run. Though, it is hard to deal with. I'll admit that I've slipped up a couple times with old bad habits. Well, maybe they're not that old because I kept slipping up. I don't really bother with apologies anymore. To myself or to anyone else. Not because I don't feel remorse, but because I can't guarantee it's something I'll never do again. There are things I haven't repeated though. Moments that I'm not proud of but will eventually get over. I've hurt people because of some of my decisions and for that, I am sorry. But at the same time, it already happened. There's nothing I can do to take any of it back.

It's weird to me though. I used to cry and cut over such minuscule situations but now I bare it with nothing but a simple shrug of the shoulders. Jeez. Try saying that three times fast! Back to what I was saying. For example, I've become very distant with quite a few people. There's a few who I don't even talk to anymore. Mainly because I don't want to but one situation couldn't be helped. I believe everything happens for a reason. Am I'm happy about everything? No. Am I proud of the way things turned out? Not really. But regardless, it happened. And I sincerely believe it was meant to. 

I've been job hunting a lot. I finally scored an interview for today at 9:30 in the morning. It's about 2am right now so I'm hoping I don't look too dreadful when I wake up. As soon as I have a steady job and paycheck, I'll be saving up to get my own place. My own place. Not because I don't like having roommates or anything. I'd just rather worry about myself and only myself. I don't want to be stressed because someone doesn't have rent or utility money on time. 

Which leads me to my biggest change.

I've always been one to take shelter within the friendship of others. Being alone both romantically and platonic-wise was never really my strong suit. But now, I'm happier being by myself. I still like to go out and have a good time here and there, but I'm just not in the mood to tear the streets up anymore. I'd much rather stay inside and read a book or watch a movie. And as for my love life, it's actually been annoying. When I was open to the idea of dating and trying to be with someone, there was a very select few who tried to get inside. But now that I'm happy being alone, I feel like girls are just circling me as their prey. And because I don't feel like being with anyone, I have to deal with them saying "You didn't give me a chance" or "Why am I not good enough?" or "You don't know what the hell you want". Um, I definitely know what I want. And I always try to explain it to them in the nicest way I can. I want to be alone! I'm going back to school in the fall, taking 3 or 4 classes, and I'm going to graduate. After that, I plan on getting out of here. If that doesn't happen, I'd much rather just focus on myself and those I call family. 

People seem to have a problem with me being selfish. When, in reality, I'm not being selfish at all. I'm just worrying about me and only me for once. I'm not getting involved in the gossip, drama, or pity parties. I'm still there for the people who are close to me but I don't bother with others anymore. I no longer throw myself at peoples feet for attention or time of day. I'll be there if the person states that they need me, but I'm not going to sit there and pull it out of them. 

I do wish people would stop telling me certain things though. I get that people need to vent and apparently I'm a great listener, but there's just certain situations and certain people I have no need, nor want, to hear about. But I guess that's life. Dealing with things we don't want to deal with until one day, we just don't care about them anymore. What starts off as dealing becomes absolutely nothing. Because you just stop caring altogether. I would get specific but it's irrelevant and I'm not sure who reads this thing nowadays. 

That's all I feel like writing right now and its probably for the best. I have to wake up in just a few short hours and I need to make sure I'm surrounded by positive energy. Goodnight my dear blog.

Letting Go For Good

First off, I'm sorry I've neglected you blog! I've actually been using tumblr quite a bit. I guess it's time I give you an update.

Well, I'm back at home and as nice as it is to see and spend time with my family, I'm ready to be on my own again. These rules, restrictions, opinions, and ways of doing things are just overbearing. But who am I to complain. I chose this right?

Other than that, things have been pretty slow. I've been job hunting and will continue doing so tomorrow morning. Hopefully it won't be so damn hot again! I've also been talking to someone. I'm kinda crushing but she seems to be very back and forth with the games. I'm not too sure why. I made it very clear to her that if she started to do this, I'd back off entirely. And so I have. She messages me here and there and likes just about everything I post on facebook but like I said, no games. I'm too old to be dragged back and forth again.

I'm happy though! I thought moving down here would be a bit more difficult than it's been. Not with the job hunting or anything. More so with my feelings. I thought seeing and being around Nikole, or even being in the area, might make things harder on me. But to be honest, they haven't! And I'm so happy about it. I feel like, if anything, I'm just about over her. Albeit, I did hit a mirror while being drunk and seeing her with her new lover but that's not the real reason why I hit the mirror. I hit it because the person I was talking to in that mirror was telling me that me being jealous was okay. That I should keep loving her and not give up. Fuck that. So I hit it. I wish I could explain further on here. Give it more clarity as to what I mean. But you would all think I'm crazy.

As I've gotten older, things are changing. The things I see and hear and have known since I was a kid, it's becoming clearer each day. Like going from an old TV to HD. And it freaks me out. So I'm actually going to see someone a friend of mine recommended. She's gonna help me figure this all out and help me "gather my levels" whatever the hell that means. I spoke to her a bit. And she said once I have my life in order, she wants me to go somewhere else for a while. Like I said, I'd really like to give you more clarity but that requires believing. And most people don't.

Back to what I was saying before.

I know there will always be a part of me that cares. That loves. And if she were to call me with some kind of emergency, you best believe I would be there for her. Everyone deserves that person. But I wouldn't be there like I was before. And I will never ever allow someone to pull me around like that. Even if she didn't mean it, it's what happened. And I've promised myself I'd never let it happen again. And it won't. I've definitely changed. That's what I mean when I say you don't know me. You don't know the sides of me that have changed because those are sides you'll never see again. That doesn't mean we're friends or that everything is okay. It's not. And maybe it never will be. And that's okay too. I hope one day we can be friends but I'm not going to put all the effort into making it happen. It has to be equal. So until there's a day where we can hang out, just us, and go to the beach or to lunch or whatever and be JUST friends, don't expect to hear from me much. I'm done playing games. With everyone. Including you.

I'm glad you're happy though. And I hope you continue to be. Sincerely. One day, I'll find happiness when it comes to love and loyalty. Today just isn't that day. And I'm perfectly fine with that. :)

Welcome home?

I don't think the feeling of actually being back has set in yet. I feel like I'm just visiting. Like I'm gonna leave soon and go back to work and a lonely city. But not this time. It's bittersweet, really. I miss my house up there. my room, my living room. I miss living on my own. It's been two days and I miss it already. Ha! I wonder how I'll feel in a month!

It's nice seeing my mom, though. It's also fun to annoy her again. I get bored so I decide to bother her. What else is there to do!? Haha. But I know she secretly loves it. It's a feat she misses when it's not so accessible. So far, I've seen Terri and Amanda. It was nice to see both considering I love them so much. But after not seeing Amanda for 5 months, our reunion was long overdue. I feel like she got taller. Or maybe I got shorter. But I feel a definite height difference.

Anyway.

She's grown so much! I know I'm only a year older, but we've always been on a different level of life experiences. Spain treated her very well and so did all the other countries she visited. And she's 21 now! Finally! My booboo is all grown up. I'll be taking her out this week for drinks in various bars. I'm excited!! And cuddle time will definitely happen on more than one occasion. It's fascinating to think I've known her for so long. 16/17 years. That's mind blowing. And I absolutely love it.

After she left, I immediately went to go see Terri.

I don't know what it is with us, but whenever we see each other, all the problems suddenly go away. And when we start to bitch, we don't hesitate to tell each other to shut the fuck up, this is how it is, this is how it's gonna be, let it go. Haha. She fed me pizza and beer. Not exactly healthy but considering the circumstances, I wasn't going to deny such wonderful hospitality. We sat outside for quite some time smoking cigarettes and talking shit about everything. It was nice. I didn't realize just how much I needed to hear her speak to me about certain things. But I did. Even if I didn't like some of it, it make me feel good and alive again.

My first day back and it was breathtaking. I know things are going to be hard for a bit now but I'm looking forward to working my ass off towards the things I want.

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower

I just finished reading my book. I don't know why I didn't read it sooner. I remember hearing about it in high school. In the hallways. The cafeteria. The english classes that had the choice of reading it for a paper. I heard the name everywhere. But I never picked it up.

Until a couple months ago.

It took me a while to actually give it the chance it deserved. But I did. I finally picked it up this week, threw on some Faded Paper Figures, and dove right in. As soon as I read the first page, I figured it'd be like most other books I had read in the past. Starting with the line "Dear friend," I thought 'oh, just another kid writing to his diary about his turmoils, drug abuse, sex addiction, being an outcast, etc.' And I was wrong.

I'm not sure how long I laid in the bath tonight. I lost track of time. But I held onto this book as though I was shaking hands with god himself. The story was quite simple, though I won't say too much about it. I don't want to ruin it for anyone who might read this and then choose to read that.

But here's a summary.

This boy, a freshman in high school, is the most amazing boy I've ever read about. I wish he were real. He's a bit of a loner and doesn't speak to many people. Until he meets Patrick and Sam. Also amazing people. They change his life. They introduce him to a world where conversing with others is comfortable and refreshing. Where being alone isn't always a good thing. And his life fluctuates. It becomes this adrenaline rush of beautiful, ugly, sweet, bitter, wonderful, horrible moments.

That's all I'll really say when it comes to the book itself.

So why am I writing about it?

Because I've never had a book where I felt I gained friends from a simple story. I have traveled the world, met mythical creatures, endured rehab and drug abuse, sex abuse, accidental murder, suicide, I've felt and seen it all through my books. But I never befriended a fictional character.

This time, I did.

As my eyes scanned the pages, I felt like I was there for it all. I was in the room with everyone at big boys, I knew bill and I wrote book reports, I danced at the prom after party, I was there when Patrick and _______ got caught. I felt every emotion. And then I said goodbye as everyone went off to live their lives.

I felt free. Or rather, "Infinite" as Charlie says. I'm not sure if its the way it was written, or the imagery, setting, plot, etc that made me feel like it was my story. But I could empathize on a level deeper than I have before. With every single character. I knew what it was to love someone who doesn't love you, to want to do something, not do it, and then realize later that I probably should have.

Tonight, I'm at peace. And maybe that has a lot to do with what I did today. I finally let go of the last piece. And I didn't have to do it alone. I had nick with me. Who is basically my brother. Or my husband. That changes day to day depending on how we feel or what we do. When we get into small petty arguments as I'm putting food on the table or making him tea for his cold or making sure he's okay through the night, we're an old married couple. But when we just talk and hang out and talk about girls, old and new, we're brother and sister.

Either way.

Today, he helped me let go of so many things by getting rid of one thing.

And because of this eye opening, colorful and beautiful book, I know that I've let go. I let go a long time ago. I was just holding on by a shred. A small piece. But now that piece is gone. Those feelings are gone. And any grasp I once had, I have no longer.

I've grown to appreciate so many people and moments in my life. I'm not bitter or sad anymore. I'm 100% myself again. I realized that when, the other night, I was speaking to a friend and said with the most sincerity "as long as every one is happy, friend or foe, than I can carry a genuine smile. Because honestly, that's all I want. I want people to breathe in colors and paint this world with their speech. I want to look people in the eyes and see nothing but a swirl of hopes and dreams as they smile. Thats all I want. A world full of smiles. They don't have to be for me or because of me. So long as happiness is the outcome. For everyone."

I actually copied that from the text so I'd have it word for word. I know if I didn't, I would've written something along the lines of "PEOPLE GOOD HAPPY YAY" or something. I need to start taking my gecko bologna(Golgi boloba...I think. I call it gecko since I never remember the real name).

I'm still working at this whole "love yourself no matter what" stuff, but I'm happy. I'm still able to laugh and joke, but I appreciate everyone.

And whoever is reading this, whether it be you, or Amanda, or Terri, or Stefy, or anyone else, I appreciate you. I love you. I hope you're happy. I hope you find, and get, everything you want and more. Thank you.