Guessing Is No Guarantee.

I never thought things would end up this way.

Not once.

I always gave everything, and everyone, the benefit of the doubt. But I can't do that anymore. I trust no one. When people speak to me, I question their words as though we're playing a game of hangman. And whenever someone says something even remotely sentimental, I can't help but wonder just how genuine they are while they're saying it.

I guess I didn't realize just how much I have changed. I'm not the same caring, genuine, trusting girl I used to be. I wish I was. And I would truly do anything to go back, but I can't. Not now, anyway. Not until I start to see things in color again.

As of now, everything is a swirl of blacks, and greys, and whites. Simple shades. But no actual color. I think the only time I can actually paint a beautiful picture is when I have some kind of alcohol in my hand. When all those feelings go numb and for that one moment, I'm okay with it all.

It's sad. That I have to intoxicate my feelings in order to feel okay. But I guess that's normal. I guess we all do it. Or maybe we don't. But right now, I don't mind.

Right now, I don't care. About anything.

huh?

I've been sitting here for about 20 mins trying to mremember wtf I was gonna write...but I';m too stoned and drunk soooooooooooooooo fuck it. Fuck everything, basics. Weed, speed, indeed. That's all folks!

The Truth Always Hurts

So, I heard. To be honest, I already knew. I felt it in my gut a couple weeks or so ago. But today, it was confirmed.

How do you do it? How do you move on so easily? You found someone else. Even if it's official or not, you've invested your time and emotion into another soul.

Did I mean nothing? I know our relationship was complete and utter bullshit but me as a person, did I hold any tie to your heart?

Maybe I didn't. I don't feel as though I did. Or else you'd be in the same spot I am now. But that's how you are, I guess. A constant shield to block out the bad but able to welcome in the good. Which I guess works for you. It never worked for me. I didn't learn when I held up my walls.

But they're coming back. A lot of things are coming back into my life that I once pushed away. I welcome it all with open arms now. Because now, I have no idea who I am. I hold no motivation to go on and live another day. Though I have too many people who care about me to just toss it away, too.

It's like I'm stuck.

And though I shouldn't, though I don't like to, and though I feel like such a bitch for saying it, but I blame you.

I blame you for every single suicidal tendency that interrupts my day. I believe you're the cause for me becoming a pile of debris on the once beautiful grass.

You're worthless to me now. Just like I am to you, I guess. Considering your lips have come into contact with another and I'm sure at some point, the rest of you as well.

I've never wished ill will upon anyone. Not until now. And maybe I'll get over that. Or maybe you're just one of those very, very few people who deserve such wishes.

Either way.

Thanks for nothing. You're a regret. The first one I've ever had.

Don't break her heart like you break everyone elses. And if this pissed you off, that's fine by me. And if you didn't read this at all, I'm still happy I'm writing it.

Go fuck yourself and don't try to be in my life. Ever. If I want you there, I'll let you know. But heartless people don't deserve to be around the best of the best. Technically, heartless people shouldn't be alive. But that would just be mean.

Oh, and if you want your shit, I'll give it to you myself. I'm not having anyone else play middle man. Grow a pair and face me yourself. If you don't want to do that, then don't expect to get it back until you do.

Thanks.

For You

This will be short and to the point.

Don't be surprised. Don't be angry. Don't be sad. Don't be irrational. Don't be unhappy. Don't be anything.

Because it will happen. When I'm ready. And it will be great. Or so I hope.

We'll see.

Love,
Me.

Anything is easier said than done

Crash and burn and I can feel it in my skin.
These thoughts are sinful and dangerous.
It's in my dreams that you live in.
It makes my mind wild and outrageous.

You'll never leave, as much as I want you to.
Because with every piece of me, there is a piece of you.
Why did you have to let it linger?
You're like a wasp and I'm stuck with the stinger.

I know I'll move on and one day my mind will be clear.
But in the back of my mind, you'll always stay near.
Because even now, my heart reaches for you.
A person who hurt me, someone who won't do.

And if you came back, I'd push you away.
But at the same time, I'd be begging you to stay.
You seem so happy with that beautiful smile of yours.
A world full of color, a world full of cures.

Sadly I stay in a shadow full of acts.
Here til the end with my insanity intact.
I'll repair this broken heart but it will never look the same.
Because on a piece of my heart, there was once your name.

So even when I move on and leave,
I want you to know, I wear my heart on my sleeve.
It's free to you, forever until now.
I wish I could let go. I just don't know how.


How do you exist without me so easily? I need closure. That's why I'm dying to talk. So I can close this chapter without having questions. So I can understand. Give me that. Please.

Carry On

Well my friend, I can finally tell you where I am. I'm currently in Dundalk, Maryland. My friend Karen has been in a bit of a rutt lately so me and her fiance, the lovely Robin, plotted a surprise trip. I couldn't be happier. Well, no. That's a bit of a lie. But one day, that will change. At some point, there will come a moment when everything will fall together. Everything will make sense again. Maybe not 100%, but 99.9%. I still miss you sometimes. Not in an intimate way. Not the way I thought I would. I miss being able to share things with you.

The days where I could sit and vent to you.

Like that one night at Yoshi's so long ago. When we talked and smoked cigarettes. Granted, at that time I wanted much more than what I want now. The only thing I actually miss is the cuddling. Only because you held me with safety, security, and warmth. I would give anything to be held like that again. Just minus any feelings.

To be blunt, I don't want to be with you. Not now and more than likely, not ever. We tried and tried and tried. We did all we could and it was worth every step. But I'm happier now. I still hate that we don't talk and that I've lost a great friend, but I've done all I can. Now, it's up to you. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I know you're making new friends and spending time with old ones. That's great!! I'm so happy for you! I'm traveling, spending time with my family, and growing close to people I thought I had lost.

Even though you may not believe me due to past behavior and because I'm usually pretty predictable, I'm done. With you, with our relationship, with everything. The only thing I would love to have is your friendship. But that will take time. And maybe we're not meant to have that. Like you always said, everything happens for a reason. I believe that now more than ever. So many amazing things are happening to me and I'm sure they are to you as well.

I'm not seeing anyone else. Not now. I'm not looking to date or fuck around. I'm worrying about myself. I'm going to work my ass off and try to finish school ASAP so I can travel.

This is why I miss talking to you. I just want to talk about our wants, what drives us, the usual things friends talk about. New friends, especially. And we've never really been just friends.

This wasn't meant to be about you. But I let it flow out of me. And thus, I guess it needed to come out. I'm not even sure if you read this anymore. But I'll write in it as though you do. It's really the only way I feel like you'll listen to me.

I'm different now. More than I ever have been before. I'm not fully healed, but I'm getting there. I have no doubt about that.

I hope you're well. I miss you, my friend who isn't really a friend but I wish you were.

Sincerely,
Me.

Differentiate

I realize I've not written in some time now. Well, compared to the amount I used anyway. Its strange. So much has happened, multiple people have entered/walked out of my life and yet, I'm unsure of what exactly to say. There are days when I feel low and could probably write a novel but just don't have it in me. Or the time. Or the motivation to pick up my laptop and do anything with it, really. I spend majority of my time working, watching a movie, or kicking back and enjoying the silence.

I've gotten into reading again. I guess I could start off by writing about that? When I went home a couple weeks ago, my mother and I spent 2 hours(of course) in barnes and noble. She walked away with 4 books whereas I only walked away with two. Funny, considering I was the one taking the most time. I didn't want to leave. I couldn't find anything that truly caught my eye so I bought books I heard were good. Eat Pray Love and The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Books a hipster kid would have on his bookshelf. I am no hipster but I must say, they do have some good literary taste.

Anyway,

I've been slowly reading Eat. Pray. Love. I figured since I saw(and love) the movie, I might as well read(and adore) the book! I haven't made it very far. Maybe a few pages. Few being 4 or 5. I'm usually one to pick up a book and continuously stare at it wide-eyed and fascinated. Strangely, I haven't been able to put myself in that same position. I read a lot of blogs now. Thought Catalog being the main one. I like reading thoughts, ideas, humor. I guess I'm just sick of stories? Of fiction? Of constant babble about the same thing over and over again?

Hmm.

Maybe that's why I haven't written. Because I didn't want to write about the usual shit I always write about. And for once I'm not. It's quite liberating, actually.

Other than my reading(or lack thereof) I've been giving myself a lot of me time. I'm not saying I don't see my friends. That's definitely not the case. I've become that person that takes a million pictures of everyone-usually after a couple of drinks-and someone ends up taking my phone away. I just enjoy being by myself most days. I like turning on the television and watching a good sad, sarcastic episode of greys anatomy. Or Glee. Or turning on a movie I've seen a thousand times but I want to watch it now because I really enjoy the background music.

But I can't do this with other people. Other people talk. Other people move, and yawn, and cough, and drink, and eat, or something of the sort. When its just me, it's me being me. Doing whatever it is that I want to do at that moment. I don't have to consider how any other person feels but myself. And it's great! I absolutely love it!

Besides all that,

I leave soon! Very soon! I'll be gone for a week to a still-secret place! I arrive tuesday morning and leave the following tuesday. A full week in a beautiful place with beautiful people and beautiful unknown destinations! Don't worry, blog. You'll know soon enough.

I have more to say, which is great since I started off not knowing what to say, but it's late and I really should be asleep by now. It's a long day of work and then driving tomorrow.

Until next time, my friend.