Carry On

Well my friend, I can finally tell you where I am. I'm currently in Dundalk, Maryland. My friend Karen has been in a bit of a rutt lately so me and her fiance, the lovely Robin, plotted a surprise trip. I couldn't be happier. Well, no. That's a bit of a lie. But one day, that will change. At some point, there will come a moment when everything will fall together. Everything will make sense again. Maybe not 100%, but 99.9%. I still miss you sometimes. Not in an intimate way. Not the way I thought I would. I miss being able to share things with you.

The days where I could sit and vent to you.

Like that one night at Yoshi's so long ago. When we talked and smoked cigarettes. Granted, at that time I wanted much more than what I want now. The only thing I actually miss is the cuddling. Only because you held me with safety, security, and warmth. I would give anything to be held like that again. Just minus any feelings.

To be blunt, I don't want to be with you. Not now and more than likely, not ever. We tried and tried and tried. We did all we could and it was worth every step. But I'm happier now. I still hate that we don't talk and that I've lost a great friend, but I've done all I can. Now, it's up to you. I'm here if you ever want to talk. I know you're making new friends and spending time with old ones. That's great!! I'm so happy for you! I'm traveling, spending time with my family, and growing close to people I thought I had lost.

Even though you may not believe me due to past behavior and because I'm usually pretty predictable, I'm done. With you, with our relationship, with everything. The only thing I would love to have is your friendship. But that will take time. And maybe we're not meant to have that. Like you always said, everything happens for a reason. I believe that now more than ever. So many amazing things are happening to me and I'm sure they are to you as well.

I'm not seeing anyone else. Not now. I'm not looking to date or fuck around. I'm worrying about myself. I'm going to work my ass off and try to finish school ASAP so I can travel.

This is why I miss talking to you. I just want to talk about our wants, what drives us, the usual things friends talk about. New friends, especially. And we've never really been just friends.

This wasn't meant to be about you. But I let it flow out of me. And thus, I guess it needed to come out. I'm not even sure if you read this anymore. But I'll write in it as though you do. It's really the only way I feel like you'll listen to me.

I'm different now. More than I ever have been before. I'm not fully healed, but I'm getting there. I have no doubt about that.

I hope you're well. I miss you, my friend who isn't really a friend but I wish you were.

Sincerely,
Me.