Like a hammer to a nail, you hit me hard.

Do what you gotta do. We're on different levels now. And you're right. I don't know a lot of sides of you. Only one. And that's a side I hope to soon forget. And maybe I will stop wanting you. Maybe I won't. Actually, scratch that. At the rate this is going, which is 0, it will. I'll no longer want to be with you and you'll no longer have an effect on me. I mean, lets face it. I'm already close to that point. When I found out, I cried a little and I got angry for a moment, but then I got over it. I smoked a bowl and moved on with my night.

It's not my life. It's yours. I'm human, so of course I was affected, but it wouldn't be rational for me to actually let it control me. I'm not mad. A bit disgusted, sure. But not mad. I realize that the person you are now is not a person I want myself to be with. You were. At one point I saw a full future with you. But that died some time ago. To be honest, that died before we even broke up. To be COMPLETELY honest, that died when we broke up the first time. But I tried and tried and tried. It never really came back. I guess I sort of lied to myself.

That's my bad. But, we all make stupid mistakes. I'm done making mine.

Good luck in life, Nik. I'm hoping this will be the last blog entry that will be written for you. I have nothing else of importance to say.

The truth.

I don't love you because I need you. I need you because I love you. I can live without you just fine. I'm an independent, intelligent, mature woman.

But I cannot breathe when you're constantly taking my breath away. I can't speak when, just by the thought of you, my mind gets distracted by such beautiful imagery. I cannot fathom living without you. You're a part of me. Regardless of whether you agree or not, I know I'm right.

Maybe not today.

Maybe not tomorrow.

But someday, the way I feel will be justified. I know this. Why? Because if I wasn't, I wouldn't stick around. Something would tell me to run. Just like it has about so many other things. Don't get me wrong. I'm not waiting for you anymore. Nor am I going to fight for you. That's not what I feel I should be doing. Being friends seems to be enough. Going with the flow and all that.

But it's hard because I'm not going to initiate every conversation. That's not how a friendship works. That's why some people walk away. And I can't guarantee I'll never walk away. I very well might. I'm just saying that for right now, at this moment, I'm not going anywhere. You say you don't have my heart, but you do. It's not a choice. It just happens. If it was a materialistic item, I'd ask for you to give it back. But I can't. Because its not. Life works in mysterious ways. Be a part of my mystery.

Wreckless Performance

People say things are easier said than done. I beg to differ. It seems as though actions come easier to me than words nowadays. I simply just do without uttering one word. That way, no one can patronize me. I do what I feel is right, regardless of the negative looks and feelings. But it does make me think. What if those disbelievers are right? What if what I've been thinking, and doing, has been wrong all along? It doesn't feel that way to me but just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean it's right. For example, murderers and crazy neo-nazis kill and traumatize people because they feel it's justified. But in reality, it's not.

Reality is not something that can be owned. It's universal. Your world affects other peoples as well. But then again, I guess that's why our parents taught us to think before we do. I find that to be a difficult task. I think, sure. But sometimes my mouth or actions do something entirely controversial. I may want to say "I still feel for you in the strongest way possible." but instead, my mouth simply says "Eh, I'm good." How the fuck?! That's not even close to what I was trying to get across!

Maybe it's just a problem I have though. Maybe not everyone has the same said issue. I'm so full of shit sometimes, it's ridiculous. I'm not saying I'm a liar. I haven't lied in quite some time. But I do admit I leave bits and pieces out of some stories I tell. I don't add, I just subtract. And it gets me into trouble. Or, it makes people think I'm someone I'm really not. It's not that I want you to think that way of me, I just don't want you to know who I really am. And nowadays, no one really does. Even those closest to me don't know my entire story. I can sincerely say that no one in this world knows me 100%. And that includes you, Nikole. There's a lot of things I never told you because I didn't want to/felt uncomfortable saying. And I'm sure the same goes for you. It goes for everyone, or so I believe.


Though, I wish there was someone I could fully open up to. But I can't. And I don't think I ever will. Because honestly, I don't want someone to know exactly who I am. Those are pieces of me that my dad taught me to never give away. Because if someone has all of you, then what do you have? I hold no longing to have another soul entirely. I did. I had all the hope in the world for a love so beautiful and deep, but now I don't. That part of me changed. I'm not looking for extreme romance or anything even remotely close to a fairy tale. I just want someone I can vent to, share my day with, kiss in the morning and night, and someone who will be my house wife.

I guess that's changed as well. I used to want a complete equal balance on things. Two people working hard to pay the bills and all that jazz, but now, fuck it. I'll pay the bills. I want to take care of someone for once. I don't want, nor need, someone to baby me into thinking that I'm a child. Because I'm not. Definitely not anymore. I'm more mature than I ever was and I find such comfort in knowing so.

I am happy that I changed into this person though. I don't care what it is that you do that makes you happy, so long as you're happy and I'm happy. And we're happy together. No rules or restrictions aside from the usual ones "No cheating, lying, etc. etc." But besides that, do what you do. I really don't care. As long as you're successful, can stand on your own 2 feet, and have a future ahead of you, I want to be a part of that.

But I have to wait for that, I suppose. I have not found such a person and that saddens me deeply. But patience is virtue so here I am. Waiting.

My first post from my phone!

This could get dangerous. I think way too much and most of the time, I WISHED I could write while I was out doing something. And now I can. So future apologies for what I may or may not say. We'll see. Sam is here now so I must go. Later blog.

The Humbling River

Tonight was an interesting Tallahassee night. The usual is posting up at some bar with my friends and watching everyone get terribly slammed. I'll end up floating around the venue with the same blank expression that seems to stick to my lips.

But not tonight.

Sam, Megan, and myself went to Poor Pauls and had a few drinks, played some pool, and air hockey. It was relaxing and very chill. Which, seems to be what I'm into nowadays.

What made the night so beautiful was the conversation Sam and I had. We discussed past lovers, future lovers, currents ehs and anything else in-between. And surprisingly, though not really, Sam and I share similar experiences and very similar feelings. Her ex broke her heart over a year ago and she still has a void she can't seem to fill. I'm not saying she's stuck on him. That's definitely not the point. She's crossed that bridge. She's had her fair share of flings and feelings for others, but none compare to the feelings she once held. And I could empathize very well with her.

And we agreed that were it not for those people, we wouldn't know each other. She wouldn't have moved to Tallahassee and nor would I. I signed the lease to get away from potential re-breaking. To leave my past and history behind me and just look ahead. Though it didn't work out that way, it's still not something I regret. I made decisions. Decisions I probably should have changed or at least thought further about, but I didn't. And I learned. Hell, I'm still learning. I have no explanation nor can I fathom even the slightest idea as to why my heart raced that one night. Or why I still have this pinching feeling in my gut that something will be coming from you. For us. But it's not now. The feeling seems to push me into thinking it's for a later date.

It's absolutely sickening but beautiful as well. And I've never been wrong about my feelings. I could say exactly what I mean but I don't want to hurt anyone in particular who reads this. And I'm not just saying you. I'm saying for others as well. But regardless, I have been right in every aspect when it came to my gut.

Here's the point I'm getting at. Mind you, it's short, sweet and to the point, but it touched me.

Sam said "Kelsey, do you not get that if it weren't for your decisions, nikole, mariska, your parents, etc. I wouldn't know you? I wouldn't have a new best friend to live with next year. We wouldn't be here today and you wouldn't continuously touch and change someones life like you do every time you meet someone. I know you're hurt, that you're angry, and that this whole fuckin thing SUCKS....but I'm thankful. I'm glad. And at some point, you will be too...especially when I paint whales in your bathroom next year."

It put things into a whole new perspective.

So thank you, Sam, for your kind and wonderful words. But you're still not painting fucking whales in my bathroom! Or anywhere else in the house!

As for you, yes the usual you, I saw your update and here's my response.

People are nosy by nature. If they don't know what's going on in someone elses life, it's as though they lose control of their own. It's not true, but it makes them feel that way. Or so I think. I can only empathize on a certain level. That, and we've done this so many times that people think it'll turn out the same way. And maybe it will. But regardless, it's none of their business. I'm glad to say my friends are surprisingly just telling me to be careful. They don't care what my decision ends up being just so long as I'm careful and happy. It was nice to see and hang out with you too. It sucks that you feel like you can't talk to me but considering the history and prior arguments over said situations, I understand entirely. The communication is appreciated and I'm really diggin' it.

Maybe one day you'll trust me again and I'll trust you. Maybe. Or, we'll communicate like this or however else for a bit, move on, and we'll both end up just being guest stars in each others lives. Either way, don't be afraid to text or call me sometimes. I'm not crazy obsessed or needy like I used to be. Hell, I may not even respond depending on when/where/whom I'm with. It's just nice to hear from a familiarity.

P.S. Go back to school. It was good for that big head of yours <3

I've always hated the sound of glass

Well, I can't say I'm surprised. Shocked, a bit. But not surprised. I read your blog tonight. It's nice to see that you've been writing. And what I read was a bit hard to read, but I'm very glad you did. I guess this blog here is more of a response to what you wrote. Maybe. I'm not entirely sure.

I'm not sure what it is that you really want. Yes, you think you're at an age where you should have it figured out. Some people do but some people don't. And that's okay. If you were meant to know right now, you would. I can promise you that. Regardless of your true feelings for said person, you'll figure it out later. Don't force yourself to think back on your should haves or what ifs. Those moments are gone. What is meant to be will be. Regardless of whether it's with me, or him, or her, or them, whatever. I've noticed your confusion. I knew you were battling something.

And you may not want my opinion, but this is my outlet so here it goes. Honestly, I think you will always have a spot in your heart for him. I do. But do I think you actually love him in an intimate way? No. I think you're just so confused and mentally unstable at the moment that your mind, and maybe heart, are trying to find a safe place. Which isn't unusual. Believe me. I find myself doing the same thing minus the whole gender switch thing. I just think you need some time to yourself. To really focus on your life, pick up the pieces, work your ass off, and worry about love later.

At least, that's what I'm doing. And I'd say it's working well enough.

I'm not going to say I don't miss you or that I don't love you. I do. I'm still not 100% over you and I. I still have a lingering feeling within my chest. But that may very well fade. Or, it may not. Either way, I'm still able to focus on my own life now.

And as for everyone else, people come and go. Sometimes multiple times. If you see a significant change in your friendships and the people within them, maybe it's time you sit down and think about reasons why. I'm not saying to blame them or yourself. I'm just stating that maybe you can find some kind of hint as to why they've pushed you away. Or vice versa.

I tried pushing you away but I can't.

It kinda sucks. Why? Because I don't trust you. But then again I do. Sometimes when you speak to me, I feel as though I'm speaking to the same girl I fell in love with. Then I take a look around me and realize, no. That's not her. This is someone else and her words aren't making sense. So either you're lying to me, to yourself, or to both. Regardless, I understand. It's quite difficult to remove a mask once you've tied it on so tightly. I had one on for quite some time.

I wish I could make you happy again. I wish I could bring you some sort of fruition and bring back that motivated, inspirational girl that everyone loved to be around. But I can't. Only you can. And I have all the faith in the world that it will happen some day. Maybe not right now, but rest assured, it will happen. When it's ready to happen.

I still hope that one day you end up with me again. Not right now though. I need to focus on myself still. I'm not done picking up the pieces I scattered so meticulously. But one day, when/if it's supposed to happen, I'll welcome it with open arms. Because obviously, no matter what you or I do, we can't fully stay away from each other. Not forever.

If you ever need an ear, I'm here. Don't worry about what pain you think you may bring. I'm fully capable of dealing with things on my own now. Just know you're not alone in your confusion/self journey. It happens. And it's not wrong. Just be patient and focus entirely on yourself. The universe will only give you what you can handle at the moment; What you're ready for.

Time is made up of mere moments. It's what we do within those moments that count. Make them count. For you and only you. Let fate/god/whateverthehell do the rest.