People say things are easier said than done. I beg to differ. It seems as though actions come easier to me than words nowadays. I simply just do without uttering one word. That way, no one can patronize me. I do what I feel is right, regardless of the negative looks and feelings. But it does make me think. What if those disbelievers are right? What if what I've been thinking, and doing, has been wrong all along? It doesn't feel that way to me but just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean it's right. For example, murderers and crazy neo-nazis kill and traumatize people because they feel it's justified. But in reality, it's not.
Reality is not something that can be owned. It's universal. Your world affects other peoples as well. But then again, I guess that's why our parents taught us to think before we do. I find that to be a difficult task. I think, sure. But sometimes my mouth or actions do something entirely controversial. I may want to say "I still feel for you in the strongest way possible." but instead, my mouth simply says "Eh, I'm good." How the fuck?! That's not even close to what I was trying to get across!
Maybe it's just a problem I have though. Maybe not everyone has the same said issue. I'm so full of shit sometimes, it's ridiculous. I'm not saying I'm a liar. I haven't lied in quite some time. But I do admit I leave bits and pieces out of some stories I tell. I don't add, I just subtract. And it gets me into trouble. Or, it makes people think I'm someone I'm really not. It's not that I want you to think that way of me, I just don't want you to know who I really am. And nowadays, no one really does. Even those closest to me don't know my entire story. I can sincerely say that no one in this world knows me 100%. And that includes you, Nikole. There's a lot of things I never told you because I didn't want to/felt uncomfortable saying. And I'm sure the same goes for you. It goes for everyone, or so I believe.
Though, I wish there was someone I could fully open up to. But I can't. And I don't think I ever will. Because honestly, I don't want someone to know exactly who I am. Those are pieces of me that my dad taught me to never give away. Because if someone has all of you, then what do you have? I hold no longing to have another soul entirely. I did. I had all the hope in the world for a love so beautiful and deep, but now I don't. That part of me changed. I'm not looking for extreme romance or anything even remotely close to a fairy tale. I just want someone I can vent to, share my day with, kiss in the morning and night, and someone who will be my house wife.
I guess that's changed as well. I used to want a complete equal balance on things. Two people working hard to pay the bills and all that jazz, but now, fuck it. I'll pay the bills. I want to take care of someone for once. I don't want, nor need, someone to baby me into thinking that I'm a child. Because I'm not. Definitely not anymore. I'm more mature than I ever was and I find such comfort in knowing so.
I am happy that I changed into this person though. I don't care what it is that you do that makes you happy, so long as you're happy and I'm happy. And we're happy together. No rules or restrictions aside from the usual ones "No cheating, lying, etc. etc." But besides that, do what you do. I really don't care. As long as you're successful, can stand on your own 2 feet, and have a future ahead of you, I want to be a part of that.
But I have to wait for that, I suppose. I have not found such a person and that saddens me deeply. But patience is virtue so here I am. Waiting.
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