Tonight was an interesting Tallahassee night. The usual is posting up at some bar with my friends and watching everyone get terribly slammed. I'll end up floating around the venue with the same blank expression that seems to stick to my lips.
But not tonight.
Sam, Megan, and myself went to Poor Pauls and had a few drinks, played some pool, and air hockey. It was relaxing and very chill. Which, seems to be what I'm into nowadays.
What made the night so beautiful was the conversation Sam and I had. We discussed past lovers, future lovers, currents ehs and anything else in-between. And surprisingly, though not really, Sam and I share similar experiences and very similar feelings. Her ex broke her heart over a year ago and she still has a void she can't seem to fill. I'm not saying she's stuck on him. That's definitely not the point. She's crossed that bridge. She's had her fair share of flings and feelings for others, but none compare to the feelings she once held. And I could empathize very well with her.
And we agreed that were it not for those people, we wouldn't know each other. She wouldn't have moved to Tallahassee and nor would I. I signed the lease to get away from potential re-breaking. To leave my past and history behind me and just look ahead. Though it didn't work out that way, it's still not something I regret. I made decisions. Decisions I probably should have changed or at least thought further about, but I didn't. And I learned. Hell, I'm still learning. I have no explanation nor can I fathom even the slightest idea as to why my heart raced that one night. Or why I still have this pinching feeling in my gut that something will be coming from you. For us. But it's not now. The feeling seems to push me into thinking it's for a later date.
It's absolutely sickening but beautiful as well. And I've never been wrong about my feelings. I could say exactly what I mean but I don't want to hurt anyone in particular who reads this. And I'm not just saying you. I'm saying for others as well. But regardless, I have been right in every aspect when it came to my gut.
Here's the point I'm getting at. Mind you, it's short, sweet and to the point, but it touched me.
Sam said "Kelsey, do you not get that if it weren't for your decisions, nikole, mariska, your parents, etc. I wouldn't know you? I wouldn't have a new best friend to live with next year. We wouldn't be here today and you wouldn't continuously touch and change someones life like you do every time you meet someone. I know you're hurt, that you're angry, and that this whole fuckin thing SUCKS....but I'm thankful. I'm glad. And at some point, you will be too...especially when I paint whales in your bathroom next year."
It put things into a whole new perspective.
So thank you, Sam, for your kind and wonderful words. But you're still not painting fucking whales in my bathroom! Or anywhere else in the house!
As for you, yes the usual you, I saw your update and here's my response.
People are nosy by nature. If they don't know what's going on in someone elses life, it's as though they lose control of their own. It's not true, but it makes them feel that way. Or so I think. I can only empathize on a certain level. That, and we've done this so many times that people think it'll turn out the same way. And maybe it will. But regardless, it's none of their business. I'm glad to say my friends are surprisingly just telling me to be careful. They don't care what my decision ends up being just so long as I'm careful and happy. It was nice to see and hang out with you too. It sucks that you feel like you can't talk to me but considering the history and prior arguments over said situations, I understand entirely. The communication is appreciated and I'm really diggin' it.
Maybe one day you'll trust me again and I'll trust you. Maybe. Or, we'll communicate like this or however else for a bit, move on, and we'll both end up just being guest stars in each others lives. Either way, don't be afraid to text or call me sometimes. I'm not crazy obsessed or needy like I used to be. Hell, I may not even respond depending on when/where/whom I'm with. It's just nice to hear from a familiarity.
P.S. Go back to school. It was good for that big head of yours <3
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