Urgh! Nothing is really making sense at the moment. There's so much going wrong lately and it's so frustrating! That, and I have so many decisions to make within the next couple months. Though I'm fairly sure my mind is made up. I feel like it is but I'm automatically fighting that decision.
Why do I do that?! I've noticed I do that quite often. If I feel something else, I do the complete opposite. It's really annoying. I had so much to write here but my mind is such a mess that I don't even want to write now. My blog is not meant to be messy. It's supposed to be a place where I can organize my thoughts and read them with clarity once I've calmed down. Right now, I can't do that. I just really wish I had someone to talk to, vent to, and actually have NEXT to me. I'm sick of phone calls. What's worse is that the people I call friends up here are people I haven't seen in about two weeks now. What's the point of living in such a lonesome place. I may have money, a home, and school, but I'd rather be poor and have friends than be rich and be alone.
Ughhh how bothersome.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Quirkyalone?
I feel like I've developed a problem. Or maybe it's not a problem at all. Maybe I'm just not wasting my time with people anymore. Or perhaps I'm not supposed to be with anyone else? God knows but I sure as hell don't.
Lets get to the point.
So in the past few months, I have tried dating 3 different people. All of which are great human beings and definitely deserve an amazing future, but not with me. No.
And why do I come up with this conclusion? Because none of them pull me to them. Lily is an amazing girl but she's bisexual, doesn't have bright eyes, and she's quite negative. She's an awesome friend though so I'm glad to have met her regardless.
Then there was a girl named Lydia. Needless to say, I couldn't do it. I couldn't even say her name without thinking of my niece let alone try to date her. That, and she was just too damaged for me.
And then most recently, there was Jessie. She's an amazing girl. Very sweet, down to earth, definitely carries characteristics that usually capture me. But for some reason, it's just not enough. She speaks in slang and I just can't handle that. She also writes in slang and has bad grammar. Sorry love. But I am, in fact, a grammar nazi. It's a curse but it happens. She also has too much baggage in her background that she refuses to let go of. I believe it has a lot to do with how young she is. When I was 19, I also held onto things that I laugh about now. I'm more passive now than I have ever been, but I can't take care of someone. I don't want to. I'll be a shoulder, a friend, moral support when you need it, but I'm not going to fix you. Oh, and she's thinking of transitioning. Sorry but I'm a lesbian. Meaning, I only like girls. I don't like men, or half men, or almost men. No. men. for. me. ever. So that basically broke the deal.
I don't know what's wrong with me though. I just don't WANT to date. I don't want to sleep around either. I just want to have fun and not worry about having to take care of someone or having to fix someone. I was broken. I had so much mental damage and I didn't know what to do. People tried to help but in the end, it only pushed them away. Now, I'm fixed. I'm not broken anymore and like I said, I'm passive about things that used to push me to the edge. I think back to who I was, who I've been, and who I once wanted to become and it makes me cringe. Majority of the things I've done not only to myself but to others as well is sickening! It's childish, rude, selfish, and just pathetic.
I think now, more than ever, I understand why me and Nikole never worked out. I was too young. I acted like I knew what I wanted, where I was going, and sometimes I acted like I was a better person. What?! For shame, Kelsey. I am no better than anyone. Not the person who sleeps in a box nor the person whom owns a mansion. I am simply me. Great at times, shitty at others. I'm not saying the initial break up was entirely my fault. There was flaws on both ends. I'm just stating things that seem so long ago but really can be traced to the end of last year.
I think that's quite entertaining, though. The fact that a persons outlook and motivation levels can change in mere months. And, that said person can also change as well. Give me a room to myself, a job where I work hard to pay my own bills, and motivation to keep living and you'll find yourself with a completely different Kelsey than you once knew. Or maybe you'll find yourself with a Kelsey that you once knew and have missed dearly. I guess that really just depends on who you are.
Regardless.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm done with dating for now. There's no one up here for me and to be blunt, it's just a waste of my time right now. I have better things to do than try and fix someone. Fix yourself like I have done to myself and then maybe we'll talk.
And if you're unfamiliar with the term Quirkyalone, here's the definition. And also the person I believe I have come to be. Which is actually working out.
Quirkyalone: Quirkyalone is a neologism referring to someone who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple.
Lets get to the point.
So in the past few months, I have tried dating 3 different people. All of which are great human beings and definitely deserve an amazing future, but not with me. No.
And why do I come up with this conclusion? Because none of them pull me to them. Lily is an amazing girl but she's bisexual, doesn't have bright eyes, and she's quite negative. She's an awesome friend though so I'm glad to have met her regardless.
Then there was a girl named Lydia. Needless to say, I couldn't do it. I couldn't even say her name without thinking of my niece let alone try to date her. That, and she was just too damaged for me.
And then most recently, there was Jessie. She's an amazing girl. Very sweet, down to earth, definitely carries characteristics that usually capture me. But for some reason, it's just not enough. She speaks in slang and I just can't handle that. She also writes in slang and has bad grammar. Sorry love. But I am, in fact, a grammar nazi. It's a curse but it happens. She also has too much baggage in her background that she refuses to let go of. I believe it has a lot to do with how young she is. When I was 19, I also held onto things that I laugh about now. I'm more passive now than I have ever been, but I can't take care of someone. I don't want to. I'll be a shoulder, a friend, moral support when you need it, but I'm not going to fix you. Oh, and she's thinking of transitioning. Sorry but I'm a lesbian. Meaning, I only like girls. I don't like men, or half men, or almost men. No. men. for. me. ever. So that basically broke the deal.
I don't know what's wrong with me though. I just don't WANT to date. I don't want to sleep around either. I just want to have fun and not worry about having to take care of someone or having to fix someone. I was broken. I had so much mental damage and I didn't know what to do. People tried to help but in the end, it only pushed them away. Now, I'm fixed. I'm not broken anymore and like I said, I'm passive about things that used to push me to the edge. I think back to who I was, who I've been, and who I once wanted to become and it makes me cringe. Majority of the things I've done not only to myself but to others as well is sickening! It's childish, rude, selfish, and just pathetic.
I think now, more than ever, I understand why me and Nikole never worked out. I was too young. I acted like I knew what I wanted, where I was going, and sometimes I acted like I was a better person. What?! For shame, Kelsey. I am no better than anyone. Not the person who sleeps in a box nor the person whom owns a mansion. I am simply me. Great at times, shitty at others. I'm not saying the initial break up was entirely my fault. There was flaws on both ends. I'm just stating things that seem so long ago but really can be traced to the end of last year.
I think that's quite entertaining, though. The fact that a persons outlook and motivation levels can change in mere months. And, that said person can also change as well. Give me a room to myself, a job where I work hard to pay my own bills, and motivation to keep living and you'll find yourself with a completely different Kelsey than you once knew. Or maybe you'll find yourself with a Kelsey that you once knew and have missed dearly. I guess that really just depends on who you are.
Regardless.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm done with dating for now. There's no one up here for me and to be blunt, it's just a waste of my time right now. I have better things to do than try and fix someone. Fix yourself like I have done to myself and then maybe we'll talk.
And if you're unfamiliar with the term Quirkyalone, here's the definition. And also the person I believe I have come to be. Which is actually working out.
Quirkyalone: Quirkyalone is a neologism referring to someone who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Valentines day
Ohhhh Valentines day. The generic hallmark holiday that I love so much. I do believe it's aimed more towards card companys, the post office, flower shops, and Godiva more so than it is love. But, I still had a great time. Even being single. I went to class, worked a full afternoon, made very good money, and then I headed home. My original Vday plans were to go to FunStation with the girls but they flaked and only wanted to get wasted and go to bulls. I, on the other hand, am getting rather tired of watching people hook up as though they have no dignity.
I'm not saying hooking up is bad. I've done it a few times myself. But for me, each time was a time I wanted to get back. I wasn't happy with myself. I felt like I was 16 all over again. I'm 21, about to be 22, and I feel like I should get my shit together. I know I'm still young. I still have a few things I need to experience, but that doesn't mean I want to knock myself down to what everyone elses standards are.
The whole idea about FunStation(it's like boomers) was exciting to me. For once, we'd all be on the same level and kick it like kids! Go Karts, Mini Golf, Bumper Cars, Laser tag, Arcades. It was something I looked forward to doing for two weeks. The rain ruined all the outside adventures to be had, but the inside still had potential. It was definitely something I needed but unfortunately, didn't receive.
When I got home from work, Christine was playing chef in the kitchen and shouted "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!" As loud as she is, and the many times I tell her to use her inside voice, she was the first person to hear me out that day. To listen to how I felt. And she made me feel ten times better. That night, we had made 4 pizzas, cookies, chocolate covered strawberries, 2 cases of PBR, Vodka, strawberry daquiris, etc. Our house looked and smelled delicious. And my god, it was. Best pizza I've ever had.
The company was also very much enjoyed as well. Everyone was full of laughter and happiness. There was no recognition that we were all singletons! And then I got a call from someone saying they wanted to come over and see me. I was surprised, happy, nervous, and then..I panicked. I went into a complete frenzy to make sure EVERYTHING was clean. My room, bathroom, and car was officially spotless within an hour. I have never cleaned so fast.
She was only here for a couple of hours but it was still fun. My roommates got to know her and actually really enjoyed her. They had nothing but good things to say when she left and it made me happy that she was so easily accepted. There were no "I have a bad feeling about her" or "She seems nice but there's just something about her..."
We talked so much that those few hours flew by. 3 hours seemed to be 20 minutes.
I'm not really sure where this is going, or if it even is, but I'm open to the idea. If it doesn't, that's fine with me. I'm okay with being alone. I'm more productive that way. But, who knows, maybe this will be someone who will work WITH me. Life is a mystery. Lets see if I can solve this one. :)
Once she left, Nick was set on everyone getting absolutely blown. So, of course, we all crowd into his room(his request) and pass around a nice blunt. I originally had no intention of smoking but my temptation got the better of me and the next thing I knew, I could barely hold my head up. I was laughing at everything and interested in every single thing that came out of someones mouth. At some point, I just couldn't handle it anymore. Let me tell you...walking down stairs after smoking sour diesel for a good 45 mins-hour...it was a mission. But I found it funny??? Haha.
Either way. I ended up completely passing out once I reached my room even though I had a movie on full blast volume.
I love my life, my roommates, and everything else God has brought me. I may be going through some rough times with my friends but I'm gaining more family. And family is all you need.
I'm not saying hooking up is bad. I've done it a few times myself. But for me, each time was a time I wanted to get back. I wasn't happy with myself. I felt like I was 16 all over again. I'm 21, about to be 22, and I feel like I should get my shit together. I know I'm still young. I still have a few things I need to experience, but that doesn't mean I want to knock myself down to what everyone elses standards are.
The whole idea about FunStation(it's like boomers) was exciting to me. For once, we'd all be on the same level and kick it like kids! Go Karts, Mini Golf, Bumper Cars, Laser tag, Arcades. It was something I looked forward to doing for two weeks. The rain ruined all the outside adventures to be had, but the inside still had potential. It was definitely something I needed but unfortunately, didn't receive.
When I got home from work, Christine was playing chef in the kitchen and shouted "HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!" As loud as she is, and the many times I tell her to use her inside voice, she was the first person to hear me out that day. To listen to how I felt. And she made me feel ten times better. That night, we had made 4 pizzas, cookies, chocolate covered strawberries, 2 cases of PBR, Vodka, strawberry daquiris, etc. Our house looked and smelled delicious. And my god, it was. Best pizza I've ever had.
The company was also very much enjoyed as well. Everyone was full of laughter and happiness. There was no recognition that we were all singletons! And then I got a call from someone saying they wanted to come over and see me. I was surprised, happy, nervous, and then..I panicked. I went into a complete frenzy to make sure EVERYTHING was clean. My room, bathroom, and car was officially spotless within an hour. I have never cleaned so fast.
She was only here for a couple of hours but it was still fun. My roommates got to know her and actually really enjoyed her. They had nothing but good things to say when she left and it made me happy that she was so easily accepted. There were no "I have a bad feeling about her" or "She seems nice but there's just something about her..."
We talked so much that those few hours flew by. 3 hours seemed to be 20 minutes.
I'm not really sure where this is going, or if it even is, but I'm open to the idea. If it doesn't, that's fine with me. I'm okay with being alone. I'm more productive that way. But, who knows, maybe this will be someone who will work WITH me. Life is a mystery. Lets see if I can solve this one. :)
Once she left, Nick was set on everyone getting absolutely blown. So, of course, we all crowd into his room(his request) and pass around a nice blunt. I originally had no intention of smoking but my temptation got the better of me and the next thing I knew, I could barely hold my head up. I was laughing at everything and interested in every single thing that came out of someones mouth. At some point, I just couldn't handle it anymore. Let me tell you...walking down stairs after smoking sour diesel for a good 45 mins-hour...it was a mission. But I found it funny??? Haha.
Either way. I ended up completely passing out once I reached my room even though I had a movie on full blast volume.
I love my life, my roommates, and everything else God has brought me. I may be going through some rough times with my friends but I'm gaining more family. And family is all you need.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Relief
A lot of things have happened over the past couple days. Problems have been sorted, people have grown, and fruition has finally arisen. Some things I'll speak of here. Others, I won't. Some of them aren't anyones business but my own and the other person involved.
Things are looking bright again though. I went shopping today with Megan and Sam. I got some pretty girly clothes and it was fun! They did their best to get me in a dress but I'm not quite that comfortable yet. Soon, though. Maybe then I'll give it more consideration.
I think it's funny though. The way you end up in a place, you meet someone, and then all the sudden you have a new friend you feel like you've known forever. Something strange is happening. Something good and beneficial. I'm not sure what, but I feel it. And I'm excited to see what it is. I have no expectations though.
I'm just happy. I'm better. And finally, I'm not letting anyone get in the way of the person I am and the person I'm becoming.
I had more to write but I got distracted by something so it threw me off haha. Oh well! :)
Things are looking bright again though. I went shopping today with Megan and Sam. I got some pretty girly clothes and it was fun! They did their best to get me in a dress but I'm not quite that comfortable yet. Soon, though. Maybe then I'll give it more consideration.
I think it's funny though. The way you end up in a place, you meet someone, and then all the sudden you have a new friend you feel like you've known forever. Something strange is happening. Something good and beneficial. I'm not sure what, but I feel it. And I'm excited to see what it is. I have no expectations though.
I'm just happy. I'm better. And finally, I'm not letting anyone get in the way of the person I am and the person I'm becoming.
I had more to write but I got distracted by something so it threw me off haha. Oh well! :)
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Invisible Culprits
Lately, I've been having a bit of a hard time. Not with my job, or school. Not this time. It's something much deeper than that. I'm not going to paint a picture to whomever is reading this. I'm writing this because I don't know how to get rid of it. But if you don't understand, then you don't. And you won't. Though, one of you will. Only one. Possibly two but that's as far as it goes.
See, recently I've been zoning. A LOT. And it's not like its new. It happens sometimes but I can usually knock it down to where I can control it. For some reason, for the past week or so, I've not been able to. And it's getting dangerous. For example, last night I was delivering food to a dark part of town. If you don't know already, I have a very hard time seeing in the dark. My eyes don't adjust for some reason so it makes driving somewhat difficult.
Anyway.
I was driving and since I couldn't see, I figured I'd just follow the car in front of me so I can at least have some sort of guidance. I followed behind the person for a couple minutes and soon they made a sharp turn. I went to follow but felt as though I should slow down. So I did. Thankfully. I ended up coming to a very steep grassy hill that only lead to trees and bushes. There was no road or even a path. There was nothing. I ended up being able to stop my car right at the tip of the hill.
I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes trying to gather myself again. First, I had to work on my breathing. Which, I didn't realize I had been holding until I was gasping for air. Then was my line of sight. My eyes got really blurry and it was hard to see anything in front of me. Dark or not. And finally it was my arms and legs. They felt like they hadn't moved in years and I forgot how to control them.
But that's not the worst part.
I ended up getting out of work about 30 minutes later. I had the biggest migraine I think I've ever had. I seriously thought my head was going to explode. And then, this morning I woke up with a big bump on the upper right corner of my forehead. The bump has finally gone down but it's sensitive to the touch. It makes no sense to me. I've never had something like this happen before. I confided in a friend I met up here who has gone through similar situations and not even she could give me an answer. I also don't want to look too deeply because I'm afraid of what I'll find.
So I guess writing it here will be enough. For now. Or forever. I'm just hoping it doesn't happen again. It actually scares me now and I'm not easily afraid. We'll see..
See, recently I've been zoning. A LOT. And it's not like its new. It happens sometimes but I can usually knock it down to where I can control it. For some reason, for the past week or so, I've not been able to. And it's getting dangerous. For example, last night I was delivering food to a dark part of town. If you don't know already, I have a very hard time seeing in the dark. My eyes don't adjust for some reason so it makes driving somewhat difficult.
Anyway.
I was driving and since I couldn't see, I figured I'd just follow the car in front of me so I can at least have some sort of guidance. I followed behind the person for a couple minutes and soon they made a sharp turn. I went to follow but felt as though I should slow down. So I did. Thankfully. I ended up coming to a very steep grassy hill that only lead to trees and bushes. There was no road or even a path. There was nothing. I ended up being able to stop my car right at the tip of the hill.
I sat there for a good 10-15 minutes trying to gather myself again. First, I had to work on my breathing. Which, I didn't realize I had been holding until I was gasping for air. Then was my line of sight. My eyes got really blurry and it was hard to see anything in front of me. Dark or not. And finally it was my arms and legs. They felt like they hadn't moved in years and I forgot how to control them.
But that's not the worst part.
I ended up getting out of work about 30 minutes later. I had the biggest migraine I think I've ever had. I seriously thought my head was going to explode. And then, this morning I woke up with a big bump on the upper right corner of my forehead. The bump has finally gone down but it's sensitive to the touch. It makes no sense to me. I've never had something like this happen before. I confided in a friend I met up here who has gone through similar situations and not even she could give me an answer. I also don't want to look too deeply because I'm afraid of what I'll find.
So I guess writing it here will be enough. For now. Or forever. I'm just hoping it doesn't happen again. It actually scares me now and I'm not easily afraid. We'll see..
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