Quirkyalone?

I feel like I've developed a problem. Or maybe it's not a problem at all. Maybe I'm just not wasting my time with people anymore. Or perhaps I'm not supposed to be with anyone else? God knows but I sure as hell don't.

Lets get to the point.

So in the past few months, I have tried dating 3 different people. All of which are great human beings and definitely deserve an amazing future, but not with me. No.

And why do I come up with this conclusion? Because none of them pull me to them. Lily is an amazing girl but she's bisexual, doesn't have bright eyes, and she's quite negative. She's an awesome friend though so I'm glad to have met her regardless.

Then there was a girl named Lydia. Needless to say, I couldn't do it. I couldn't even say her name without thinking of my niece let alone try to date her. That, and she was just too damaged for me.

And then most recently, there was Jessie. She's an amazing girl. Very sweet, down to earth, definitely carries characteristics that usually capture me. But for some reason, it's just not enough. She speaks in slang and I just can't handle that. She also writes in slang and has bad grammar. Sorry love. But I am, in fact, a grammar nazi. It's a curse but it happens. She also has too much baggage in her background that she refuses to let go of. I believe it has a lot to do with how young she is. When I was 19, I also held onto things that I laugh about now. I'm more passive now than I have ever been, but I can't take care of someone. I don't want to. I'll be a shoulder, a friend, moral support when you need it, but I'm not going to fix you. Oh, and she's thinking of transitioning. Sorry but I'm a lesbian. Meaning, I only like girls. I don't like men, or half men, or almost men. No. men. for. me. ever. So that basically broke the deal.

I don't know what's wrong with me though. I just don't WANT to date. I don't want to sleep around either. I just want to have fun and not worry about having to take care of someone or having to fix someone. I was broken. I had so much mental damage and I didn't know what to do. People tried to help but in the end, it only pushed them away. Now, I'm fixed. I'm not broken anymore and like I said, I'm passive about things that used to push me to the edge. I think back to who I was, who I've been, and who I once wanted to become and it makes me cringe. Majority of the things I've done not only to myself but to others as well is sickening! It's childish, rude, selfish, and just pathetic.

I think now, more than ever, I understand why me and Nikole never worked out. I was too young. I acted like I knew what I wanted, where I was going, and sometimes I acted like I was a better person. What?! For shame, Kelsey. I am no better than anyone. Not the person who sleeps in a box nor the person whom owns a mansion. I am simply me. Great at times, shitty at others. I'm not saying the initial break up was entirely my fault. There was flaws on both ends. I'm just stating things that seem so long ago but really can be traced to the end of last year.

I think that's quite entertaining, though. The fact that a persons outlook and motivation levels can change in mere months. And, that said person can also change as well. Give me a room to myself, a job where I work hard to pay my own bills, and motivation to keep living and you'll find yourself with a completely different Kelsey than you once knew. Or maybe you'll find yourself with a Kelsey that you once knew and have missed dearly. I guess that really just depends on who you are.

Regardless.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm done with dating for now. There's no one up here for me and to be blunt, it's just a waste of my time right now. I have better things to do than try and fix someone. Fix yourself like I have done to myself and then maybe we'll talk.

And if you're unfamiliar with the term Quirkyalone, here's the definition. And also the person I believe I have come to be. Which is actually working out.

Quirkyalone: Quirkyalone is a neologism referring to someone who enjoys being single (but is not opposed to being in a relationship) and generally prefers to be alone rather than dating for the sake of being in a couple.