This entry isn't going to make much sense so if that's what you're looking for, leave now. Instead, I'm going to express the dream/s I had last night. Why? Because I'm pretty sure I'm taking acid in my sleep. If not, I'm insane.
I was at your house. Yes, the typical you. Actually, I was at your grandmothers house. I was fixing the tiles in the bathroom. I think I was an interior designer which is so far from the fucking truth. I am not one for decorating. And when I do, well, it looks like shit. C'est la vie! However this wasn't in Florida. This was somewhere up here, up north, up somewhere. I realized I had forgotten some tools so I left and had to swim back to my house. …Yes. Swim. In open water. So I swam back to my apartment, grabbed my things, and went back to your grandmothers house. But now I was in the guest bathroom instead of her own personal bathroom. You came out of your room and said "Hey! It's been a long time, how's Maryland!?" We caught up and had various discussions about my life and your life and how fantastic things worked out. We were both really happy. It was pretty nice.
For the record, there were no romantic feelings. It was like a deep friendship, the kind you see in movies. After placing some tiles down, I realized I had to go back to my house again. I don't know why, but I did. You wanted to come so you could see where I live. The swim wasn't long. Maybe 10 minutes? We jumped in the water together, you were terrified. It was dark, you couldn't see the bottom of the water, and the unlikely shark/orca could be nearby. Yes. Orca. This dream was specific. So, oddly enough, as soon as you started to swim, low and behold-there was an orca. It left quickly though.
In my dream, my house was never shown. We would just swim and then I'd somehow have my things. Then, we'd go back to your grandmothers so I could finish my job.
And that was it. We talked while I worked, said how nice it was to catch up, and went about our lives.
I don't know what any of it means, if it means anything at all. The bathroom re-decoration I believe stems from my obsession with HGTV. The ocean is fear. I'd say you're familiarity but that doesn't apply since we don't know each other anymore. It doesn't really matter. It was just strange as I haven't thought about you in quite some time so I was a bit baffled.
However, I do hope you're well. I heard about texas and upcoming adventures with Liz. That's great and I really hope you all achieve your desires.
Aside from my dream, this week is going to be a roller coaster. Tuesday, I have an interview with the president of a high-end company that may result in me making a significant amount more than I do currently and being happy. Wednesday, my DM and vice president of the company I currently work at is coming in. Aye. Hopefully I'll be told on tuesday whether or not I got the position so I can tell my DM that I'm gone in 2 weeks and to go shove it for wasting my time. Obviously, I won't actually say any of that, but I will think it quite strongly. Read my mind, fucker!
It will be a bit sad to leave my chef manager and co-worker. They're real stand up guys and not a day goes by that we're not laughing…but…I hate my job. I hate the people that we have to associate with. And I hate the pay. This position I'm currently interviewing for is kind of a dream come true. If I were accepted, I could move up with a prestigious company and do great things.
2014 has been hard so far but also gratifying.
2 more weeks until vacation with the GF to Annapolis, then planning a trip to Maine and Chicago in the summer. Dear baby jebus, please let everything run smoooooth.
Nap time!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Vague Inspirational Title
Happy New Year! I think this may have been the longest I've gone without writing. I hope all is well with everyone so far. We're 11 days in and it's already been slightly eventful. I don't know about you, but 2013 was one hell of a year. Worth it, though. Today it's rainy and cold in Parkville, MD. Ludo is passed out, Metric is playing in the background, Laura is at the salon, so what better a time to write than now?
So let's go.
For Christmas, I was in South Florida. Before I really say anything about that, let me just stress that a 17 hour drive, by yourself, is not healthy. I was starting to imagine myself singing on broadway, then writing a broadway play, then being in a band in some bar. It was messy and delusional. Weirdly fun though. Back to the story. When I got to South Florida, I didn't expect to feel what I felt. Initially, I thought I would fill up with happiness and excitement. Instead, I felt nothing but dread. I already missed my apartment, my friends, my girlfriend, everything. I missed my family, of course, and the few friends I have but other than that, I didn't miss the sights. I didn't miss the beach. I didn't miss the bars. I didn't miss the familiar but distant faces. I didn't miss my home. That's such a sad thing to say, isn't it? People would usually miss their old stomping grounds, right? I guess it's because I have nowhere to call my own there anymore. Baltimore is my home now. 100%. I love it up here.
The sights, the history, the bars, the people, the shitty drivers, the crazy highways, everything. There's so much diversity! Being only 3 hours from NYC also has it's perks. Since moving here, I've been to NYC 3 times already(I plan on going much, much more!). DC is still one of my favorite places. I enjoy the memories I've made there over the years. From 2010-present, there's so many things I've done and still need to do in that big, beautiful city. I'm dying to go back to the Zoo! In Baltimore itself, the city, my favorite place is called Fells Point. It's right on the harbor, the bars range from frat filled to PRL-like. I love it. It also has the best coffee joint I've ever been to. It's called The Daily Grind. Yum!
I also got a new car. It's a 2013 Hyundai Elantra. My Honda Fit decided her time was up, stopped accelerating, and started to fill up with smoke when I was "driving" her. She did her best and lived a very eventful life. Haha. My new car is more accommodating though in regards to the weather here. The front and back window defroster is great when it comes to those icy days, along with the traction control, I think it was a wise decision. However, I hate having another bill to pay. New car insurance(more expensive!!) and the car payment, ugh. Color me crazy! It was necessary though. This one should last me a while.
My apartment is very cute. I do have a roommate but she's never here. She's always at her boyfriend's house so Laura pretty much lives with me now haha. Unless she's at her own apartment. We're starting to look for places together and plan on moving in with one another in August if everything goes according to plan. So far, so good. We definitely have our ups and downs. We're already two girls dealing with an over-abundance of estrogen but we're also both gemini's!(Ahh!). It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but our one year is coming up February 16th. I'll also have lived here for a year come February 1st.
I just hope this year is a good one. I need things to make sense again. To feel good. I'm still a happy person, I'm just over the bullshit. I'm over constant hopefuls and maybes and sorrys and okays and everything else. I've grown tired. Not pessimistic, realistic. Oh fuck. It's happening isn't it? The twenty-something crisis? I've heard so many of my older friends say the same thing I just said. I just never put two-and-two together. Hm.
People are different here. They do things differently. Everyone has graduated college at the time you're supposed to, there's not many high school drop outs, it's strange. Yet, people look and point at me like I'm the guy walking around with two heads. They don't understand that where I come from, it's a different land. High School and College drop-outs aren't unusual. Working retail or restaurant isn't desperation, it's a job. It pays the bills. It gets shit done. I get shit done. I'm trying to better myself here and I'm hoping to enroll in College this semester but it may have to wait until summer. I'm just sick of being seen or known as the broke outsider.
Btw, I'm venting at this point.
I'm sick of being different. I love being unique but sometimes being different, here, isn't necessarily good. A girl walks in with snakebites, gauges, and tattoos and boom, you're labeled as trouble. Why? I know plenty of people that are successful and they look like me! But I guess people see what they want to see. People worry. I get that. But why is it so hard to worry AND take a risk? The world is much too interesting and beautiful to just surpass without even a glance.
I'm different here. I hate it…but I love it.
See ya.
So let's go.
For Christmas, I was in South Florida. Before I really say anything about that, let me just stress that a 17 hour drive, by yourself, is not healthy. I was starting to imagine myself singing on broadway, then writing a broadway play, then being in a band in some bar. It was messy and delusional. Weirdly fun though. Back to the story. When I got to South Florida, I didn't expect to feel what I felt. Initially, I thought I would fill up with happiness and excitement. Instead, I felt nothing but dread. I already missed my apartment, my friends, my girlfriend, everything. I missed my family, of course, and the few friends I have but other than that, I didn't miss the sights. I didn't miss the beach. I didn't miss the bars. I didn't miss the familiar but distant faces. I didn't miss my home. That's such a sad thing to say, isn't it? People would usually miss their old stomping grounds, right? I guess it's because I have nowhere to call my own there anymore. Baltimore is my home now. 100%. I love it up here.
The sights, the history, the bars, the people, the shitty drivers, the crazy highways, everything. There's so much diversity! Being only 3 hours from NYC also has it's perks. Since moving here, I've been to NYC 3 times already(I plan on going much, much more!). DC is still one of my favorite places. I enjoy the memories I've made there over the years. From 2010-present, there's so many things I've done and still need to do in that big, beautiful city. I'm dying to go back to the Zoo! In Baltimore itself, the city, my favorite place is called Fells Point. It's right on the harbor, the bars range from frat filled to PRL-like. I love it. It also has the best coffee joint I've ever been to. It's called The Daily Grind. Yum!
I also got a new car. It's a 2013 Hyundai Elantra. My Honda Fit decided her time was up, stopped accelerating, and started to fill up with smoke when I was "driving" her. She did her best and lived a very eventful life. Haha. My new car is more accommodating though in regards to the weather here. The front and back window defroster is great when it comes to those icy days, along with the traction control, I think it was a wise decision. However, I hate having another bill to pay. New car insurance(more expensive!!) and the car payment, ugh. Color me crazy! It was necessary though. This one should last me a while.
My apartment is very cute. I do have a roommate but she's never here. She's always at her boyfriend's house so Laura pretty much lives with me now haha. Unless she's at her own apartment. We're starting to look for places together and plan on moving in with one another in August if everything goes according to plan. So far, so good. We definitely have our ups and downs. We're already two girls dealing with an over-abundance of estrogen but we're also both gemini's!(Ahh!). It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but our one year is coming up February 16th. I'll also have lived here for a year come February 1st.
I just hope this year is a good one. I need things to make sense again. To feel good. I'm still a happy person, I'm just over the bullshit. I'm over constant hopefuls and maybes and sorrys and okays and everything else. I've grown tired. Not pessimistic, realistic. Oh fuck. It's happening isn't it? The twenty-something crisis? I've heard so many of my older friends say the same thing I just said. I just never put two-and-two together. Hm.
People are different here. They do things differently. Everyone has graduated college at the time you're supposed to, there's not many high school drop outs, it's strange. Yet, people look and point at me like I'm the guy walking around with two heads. They don't understand that where I come from, it's a different land. High School and College drop-outs aren't unusual. Working retail or restaurant isn't desperation, it's a job. It pays the bills. It gets shit done. I get shit done. I'm trying to better myself here and I'm hoping to enroll in College this semester but it may have to wait until summer. I'm just sick of being seen or known as the broke outsider.
Btw, I'm venting at this point.
I'm sick of being different. I love being unique but sometimes being different, here, isn't necessarily good. A girl walks in with snakebites, gauges, and tattoos and boom, you're labeled as trouble. Why? I know plenty of people that are successful and they look like me! But I guess people see what they want to see. People worry. I get that. But why is it so hard to worry AND take a risk? The world is much too interesting and beautiful to just surpass without even a glance.
I'm different here. I hate it…but I love it.
See ya.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Explosions in the sky
This seems to be recurring. Maybe I'm the one to blame. But I feel no shame. I've struggled endlessly where my palms met nails and my teeth met tongue. There was this strong pain in the gain but the gain never tasted the same as the pain. The adrenaline rush, the exhilaration that existed within the moments of constant waste; those were the moments of gain. To gradually build characteristics within your wrongs and know what it is to be able lose and love and lust and hurt. But at what expense is it to live a life? You spend days and minutes and months trying to figure out what you've done wrong instead of seeing what you've done right. Seemingly, it's easier for us to place blame on others than ourselves. That whole notion is arbitrary, isn't it? To try and fish out what isn't ours. We are the villains because we claim to be. We are the naysayers and disbelievers because we choose things that aren't good for us.
Then we have the audacity to ask God, or whatever deity we believe in, why these things are happening to us. They happen because secretly, we want them to happen. We want arguments that turn into screaming matches, we want our blood to boil, we want things to go badly. However, we want them for a specific time span. The time between when we're angry and when we're not. I did. I wanted my voice to be horse and venom to be set in each sentence that was spewed. So why is it now, now when I no longer want these things, do they happen more often than not?
I try to find the moment when I went from being this carefree, loving, blissfully ignorant kid to this upset and angry at the world adult? I guess angry isnt the proper terminology. Hmm. I guess to put it simply, I've become one of "them". I have become that person that looks to the sky and asks redundant questions. Seeking answers that I don't really want to find. Or maybe answers that have always been there for that I've taken for granted. There is no solution to an imaginary problem.
Well, I've grown tired of playing monopoly with myself. I've tossed the board across the room, set fire to the money and I've called it quits. My life, my pain, my exhaustion and anger and aggression is my fault and my fault alone. No one made me like I am. People can of course do certain things that tribute to the attitude but we're the ones that feed it.
So why don't we just stop being our own monsters? I'm calling it quits today. I will be thankful for what I have and don't have. I will find the excitement in the moments and the sky and the air and smokey rooms and the loud bars and the people laughing and crying and yelling and smiling and sobbing. I will take responsibility for the life I had led, the life I have now, and the life I will have later.
These are my mistakes. And I am thankful for them. And for you. For all of those that came, and went, and stayed, and said hello.
Thanks.
And cheers.
Then we have the audacity to ask God, or whatever deity we believe in, why these things are happening to us. They happen because secretly, we want them to happen. We want arguments that turn into screaming matches, we want our blood to boil, we want things to go badly. However, we want them for a specific time span. The time between when we're angry and when we're not. I did. I wanted my voice to be horse and venom to be set in each sentence that was spewed. So why is it now, now when I no longer want these things, do they happen more often than not?
I try to find the moment when I went from being this carefree, loving, blissfully ignorant kid to this upset and angry at the world adult? I guess angry isnt the proper terminology. Hmm. I guess to put it simply, I've become one of "them". I have become that person that looks to the sky and asks redundant questions. Seeking answers that I don't really want to find. Or maybe answers that have always been there for that I've taken for granted. There is no solution to an imaginary problem.
Well, I've grown tired of playing monopoly with myself. I've tossed the board across the room, set fire to the money and I've called it quits. My life, my pain, my exhaustion and anger and aggression is my fault and my fault alone. No one made me like I am. People can of course do certain things that tribute to the attitude but we're the ones that feed it.
So why don't we just stop being our own monsters? I'm calling it quits today. I will be thankful for what I have and don't have. I will find the excitement in the moments and the sky and the air and smokey rooms and the loud bars and the people laughing and crying and yelling and smiling and sobbing. I will take responsibility for the life I had led, the life I have now, and the life I will have later.
These are my mistakes. And I am thankful for them. And for you. For all of those that came, and went, and stayed, and said hello.
Thanks.
And cheers.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Hot damn.
Hey! It's been a while. A longgg while. Well, here I am. I'll update you as much as I can.
Well, I'm still in Maryland. I moved out of Karen and Robin's house in Dundalk and now live in Parkville. It's closer to work and in an amazing neighborhood. I'm still with Laura and we're going on 7 months now. This is also the best relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say the most intense, but I would say most meaningful. We communicate very well and when we don't, we try again. And we have fun together so that's great. There's ups as well as downs but so far so good. We'll see how it goes though.
My job is going well too. My manager has become like a big brother to me and helps me with whatever question or need I have. His wife is also trying to hire me for one of her virtual assistant jobs. The pay is great and I can work from wherever as long as I have a computer! What does that mean? That means Kelsey will be going to New York. Often.
As for being homesick, I wish I could say I was. I miss my niece and nephew immensely! When I went to visit, my niece ran across the house and right into my arms. Then on my last day there, she begged me to stay and even offered to give me my room back. She's the smartest 3 year old ever.
Seeing my family and friends was great too. Unfortunately, I did not like being there. I wanted to come home. My new home. My permanent home. I absolutely adore it up here. Even the bad moments turn into great ones. I love being in the middle of the east coast. DC is 45 mins away, NJ is 2 hours away, NY is 3 1/2 hours away, and philly is only an hour away. Laura and I have already gone to all 4 together. Our new thing is to see broadway shows. We just saw Phantom of the Opera and I had goosebumps the entire time.
There's still a lot of things I don't understand but the difference between then and now is that I seek answers. If one option doesn't work, I try another. And another. And another. I dont give up.
Things have worked out here. And I'm happy. I'm passionate.
I hope that you're all doing well! I doubt anyone reads this anymore but if you do, I hope you're days are full of moments that take your breath away. We all deserve it.
Well, I'm still in Maryland. I moved out of Karen and Robin's house in Dundalk and now live in Parkville. It's closer to work and in an amazing neighborhood. I'm still with Laura and we're going on 7 months now. This is also the best relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say the most intense, but I would say most meaningful. We communicate very well and when we don't, we try again. And we have fun together so that's great. There's ups as well as downs but so far so good. We'll see how it goes though.
My job is going well too. My manager has become like a big brother to me and helps me with whatever question or need I have. His wife is also trying to hire me for one of her virtual assistant jobs. The pay is great and I can work from wherever as long as I have a computer! What does that mean? That means Kelsey will be going to New York. Often.
As for being homesick, I wish I could say I was. I miss my niece and nephew immensely! When I went to visit, my niece ran across the house and right into my arms. Then on my last day there, she begged me to stay and even offered to give me my room back. She's the smartest 3 year old ever.
Seeing my family and friends was great too. Unfortunately, I did not like being there. I wanted to come home. My new home. My permanent home. I absolutely adore it up here. Even the bad moments turn into great ones. I love being in the middle of the east coast. DC is 45 mins away, NJ is 2 hours away, NY is 3 1/2 hours away, and philly is only an hour away. Laura and I have already gone to all 4 together. Our new thing is to see broadway shows. We just saw Phantom of the Opera and I had goosebumps the entire time.
There's still a lot of things I don't understand but the difference between then and now is that I seek answers. If one option doesn't work, I try another. And another. And another. I dont give up.
Things have worked out here. And I'm happy. I'm passionate.
I hope that you're all doing well! I doubt anyone reads this anymore but if you do, I hope you're days are full of moments that take your breath away. We all deserve it.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Cradle The Robbers
Hey blog. Remember me? It's been a while, I know. My bad. I've been pretty busy and here I am to tell you why.
Well, I moved to Maryland! I'm here now. On my bed. In the basement. That's about 1000 miles away from Hollywood. For lack of a better word, it's awesome. I feel at home here. The kids play outside with their winter coats close to their bodies, shoes get dirty, laughter and yelling fills every silence and it's wonderful. I didn't see that much back in Florida. People are too busy paying attention to what's inside of their walls instead of what's outside. People become a part of their town and agriculture here. I've seen so many faces and have learned so many names that sometimes I have to be reminded just who it is that I'm talking to. I know it doesn't go for everyone, but the people I have encountered seem to be nothing but genuine.
I also got a job! I'm working at the Aberdeen Proving Ground. It's on the military base about 30 minutes from my house. Majority of the people I see are engineers that work for the military coming up with ideas for weapons and such. I think. I could be wrong. There's also a small community of soldiers that live on the base itself. I like it there. The people are nice and my coworker and manager are good people. The pay is decent too. Once I pass my three months, they'll help pay for my education and also offer amazing health benefits. I got really lucky with this.
I won't say that everything is sunshine and rainbows. It's not. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes. I've had a few days where depression struck and I found tears falling down my face. God, I sound dramatic don't I? Well, it was a bit dramatic. It was sad. Not solely because I miss them. I can deal with being homesick. It was sad because I knew I had let go of an old life. A life that once meant the world but is now just a part of my history. The people, the places, everything. I've moved on and have created a life for myself. The ex girlfriends I'll no longer run into, the old friends I'll no longer say "hey we should get lunch!" but never actually do it.
And it was definitely a hard transition to go from a place where you know everyone to a place where you know no one. At the same token, it's freeing. I know the mistakes I made there won't affect me here. Not like they did down there. There was so much ill will in Florida but here, people know the mistakes and love me regardless. They've heard me take blame, place blame, and even cry sporadically whilst talking about all of it. But no judgments were made. No one stood on an invisible pedestal and pointed a finger. They smiled, made funny faces, and said "We've all fucked up, Kels."
We have all fucked up.
Do you know the impact that has on people? Let me explain.
Now, this is no innocent world. Humanity is a wolf in sheeps skin. We all are at some point. Some of us, forever. That doesn't define us though. Well, it shouldn't. Sometimes we allow it to. We give it the power to eat away at our innocence and make us think we're terrible people. Thus, we actually become terrible. Instead of doing that, we should embrace the bad moments. Remember, without the bad, there would be no good. Ying & Yang!(not the rappers) I know the bad I have done. But I also recall the good. Therein lies that fact that I am human. So when someone looks at you and basically says "Hey! We're imperfect too!" it's pretty beautiful.
With that said, I'll go ahead and tell you about my girlfriend.
Her name is Laura. She's 23 years old, a teacher, and has a heart of pure gold. She's seen a few of my flaws and smiles at them. She accepts every curve, crevice, and chip. She doesn't mind that I can't accept a compliment without hiding my face or rolling my eyes. She doesn't mind my horrible morning breath or the fact that I'm sensitive. She's seen my soft side but knows that these knuckles have had their fair share of bruises and cuts. She has felt the scars and understood why they're there. She looked in my direction and saw me. Not just this foolish exterior that so many people deem dangerous or intimidating. She knows that I've messed up and knew it was just a part of my past. Not the present. That who I was and the things I've done do not make me who I am now. They helped me become the way I am, but they do not engulf me. We're not attached at the hip either. When we go out with our friends, we all socialize but we also get into our little groups. We can be at opposite sides of the room and know neither one of us have anything to worry about. Our eyes will lock, we'll smile, and go back to whatever else it was that we were doing.
We acknowledge that we still have our separate lives to worry about. We're just two worlds that are now working together. But that's the thing. We each still have our own life. The relationship doesn't consume and drown us. I've never been in something so...mature? Haha. I guess that's the easiest way to say it. She's lovely. She sits back and she understands. She's my own personal wallflower and I get to experience more and more of her everyday. Even if we don't see each other that day. Which we don't. We don't see each other every single day. She pretty much just takes me breath away and to be honest, if it's oxygen she wants, I'd give it to her.
Aside from her and work, everything else is working out. I get lonely at times because, like I said, I don't know many people. But I'll get there eventually. It's only been a month and I'm still branching out. The friends I've made are great ones. I've been wise about who I choose to come into my life here. Not everyone deserves a place. There's so much I've yet to see in this beautiful state, along with the surrounding states. Pennsylvania, NY, Jersey, Delaware, Massachusetts, Maine, Virginia, it's as though the sights and sounds will never stop.
I think I may have found my home. Maybe not Maryland, or Baltimore, but definitely within the vicinity. We'll see.
So here's a toast to you, life. You have been difficult, cruel, giving, beautiful, harsh, kind, mean, angry, forgiving, calm, compassionate. You have given me everything I've needed and I'm excited to see what else you have to offer.
Goodbye Florida. Along with most of the people I knew. I'll be back for a few days for christmas every year but other than that, I'm never coming back. So thank you for being in my life. Even if you no longer are. It was a pleasure.
Sincerely,
Kels
Well, I moved to Maryland! I'm here now. On my bed. In the basement. That's about 1000 miles away from Hollywood. For lack of a better word, it's awesome. I feel at home here. The kids play outside with their winter coats close to their bodies, shoes get dirty, laughter and yelling fills every silence and it's wonderful. I didn't see that much back in Florida. People are too busy paying attention to what's inside of their walls instead of what's outside. People become a part of their town and agriculture here. I've seen so many faces and have learned so many names that sometimes I have to be reminded just who it is that I'm talking to. I know it doesn't go for everyone, but the people I have encountered seem to be nothing but genuine.
I also got a job! I'm working at the Aberdeen Proving Ground. It's on the military base about 30 minutes from my house. Majority of the people I see are engineers that work for the military coming up with ideas for weapons and such. I think. I could be wrong. There's also a small community of soldiers that live on the base itself. I like it there. The people are nice and my coworker and manager are good people. The pay is decent too. Once I pass my three months, they'll help pay for my education and also offer amazing health benefits. I got really lucky with this.
I won't say that everything is sunshine and rainbows. It's not. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes. I've had a few days where depression struck and I found tears falling down my face. God, I sound dramatic don't I? Well, it was a bit dramatic. It was sad. Not solely because I miss them. I can deal with being homesick. It was sad because I knew I had let go of an old life. A life that once meant the world but is now just a part of my history. The people, the places, everything. I've moved on and have created a life for myself. The ex girlfriends I'll no longer run into, the old friends I'll no longer say "hey we should get lunch!" but never actually do it.
And it was definitely a hard transition to go from a place where you know everyone to a place where you know no one. At the same token, it's freeing. I know the mistakes I made there won't affect me here. Not like they did down there. There was so much ill will in Florida but here, people know the mistakes and love me regardless. They've heard me take blame, place blame, and even cry sporadically whilst talking about all of it. But no judgments were made. No one stood on an invisible pedestal and pointed a finger. They smiled, made funny faces, and said "We've all fucked up, Kels."
We have all fucked up.
Do you know the impact that has on people? Let me explain.
Now, this is no innocent world. Humanity is a wolf in sheeps skin. We all are at some point. Some of us, forever. That doesn't define us though. Well, it shouldn't. Sometimes we allow it to. We give it the power to eat away at our innocence and make us think we're terrible people. Thus, we actually become terrible. Instead of doing that, we should embrace the bad moments. Remember, without the bad, there would be no good. Ying & Yang!(not the rappers) I know the bad I have done. But I also recall the good. Therein lies that fact that I am human. So when someone looks at you and basically says "Hey! We're imperfect too!" it's pretty beautiful.
With that said, I'll go ahead and tell you about my girlfriend.
Her name is Laura. She's 23 years old, a teacher, and has a heart of pure gold. She's seen a few of my flaws and smiles at them. She accepts every curve, crevice, and chip. She doesn't mind that I can't accept a compliment without hiding my face or rolling my eyes. She doesn't mind my horrible morning breath or the fact that I'm sensitive. She's seen my soft side but knows that these knuckles have had their fair share of bruises and cuts. She has felt the scars and understood why they're there. She looked in my direction and saw me. Not just this foolish exterior that so many people deem dangerous or intimidating. She knows that I've messed up and knew it was just a part of my past. Not the present. That who I was and the things I've done do not make me who I am now. They helped me become the way I am, but they do not engulf me. We're not attached at the hip either. When we go out with our friends, we all socialize but we also get into our little groups. We can be at opposite sides of the room and know neither one of us have anything to worry about. Our eyes will lock, we'll smile, and go back to whatever else it was that we were doing.
We acknowledge that we still have our separate lives to worry about. We're just two worlds that are now working together. But that's the thing. We each still have our own life. The relationship doesn't consume and drown us. I've never been in something so...mature? Haha. I guess that's the easiest way to say it. She's lovely. She sits back and she understands. She's my own personal wallflower and I get to experience more and more of her everyday. Even if we don't see each other that day. Which we don't. We don't see each other every single day. She pretty much just takes me breath away and to be honest, if it's oxygen she wants, I'd give it to her.
Aside from her and work, everything else is working out. I get lonely at times because, like I said, I don't know many people. But I'll get there eventually. It's only been a month and I'm still branching out. The friends I've made are great ones. I've been wise about who I choose to come into my life here. Not everyone deserves a place. There's so much I've yet to see in this beautiful state, along with the surrounding states. Pennsylvania, NY, Jersey, Delaware, Massachusetts, Maine, Virginia, it's as though the sights and sounds will never stop.
I think I may have found my home. Maybe not Maryland, or Baltimore, but definitely within the vicinity. We'll see.
So here's a toast to you, life. You have been difficult, cruel, giving, beautiful, harsh, kind, mean, angry, forgiving, calm, compassionate. You have given me everything I've needed and I'm excited to see what else you have to offer.
Goodbye Florida. Along with most of the people I knew. I'll be back for a few days for christmas every year but other than that, I'm never coming back. So thank you for being in my life. Even if you no longer are. It was a pleasure.
Sincerely,
Kels
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Simultaneously
My world is burning down
But it is also rising from the ashes.
I'm not sure who I am anymore. Whether or not I like it. Frankly, I'm not sure whether or not I like anyone else. This year was tough for various reasons. Now, I could point fingers, place blame, and intoxicate this post with bitterness but I won't do that. Not today. Instead, I accept it. The broken friendships, the broken hearts, the mistakes I've made and the things I thought about but didn't do.
Nothing ever really stays the same. Friendships, relationships, life in general. I was a shitty person and so was everyone else. But we go on without regret. Why? Because as much as we look back and hate the mistake, did the outcome really affect us negatively? Maybe. Or maybe not.
That night that I fucked around with that person in a drunken haze, I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up with a slight recollection and had to go through the foggy memories to figure out what really happened. Due to such, I hurt someone that I never meant to hurt. And at the time, I said some things I didn't mean to say. But did it kill me? No. Did the world stop, turn, and set me ablaze? No.
A few weeks later, I found out what story was told on another side and I was hurt. Not because of the fact that the person told the other. I was hurt because the person told the other a different story. One that strayed far from the truth but was considered honest and open compared to my vindictive and viral behaviour. But sometimes, word of mouth means much more than the person you knew and loved. And that's okay. I'm no saint. At one point, I tried to act like I was. I was a constant victim stuck inside a war that I was actually creating.
Regardless of truth or lie, I was there. I did what I did. I shouldn't have let it happen at all to begin with and for that, I am sorry. But I don't regret it. Not because I enjoyed it or anything like that. I'm actually disgusted with myself to this day. Instead, I believe it happened because I needed to let go. Not of one specific thing, but a vast open jar of moments and memories and yearning.
This year, and I'm referring to 2013, I'm taking a different step. My new years night, I don't plan on having a kiss. Not from a friend nor a lover. I've taken a vow of temporary celibacy. Not the kind that waits till marriage because honestly, I just don't have that in me. Sex is wonderful. Meaningless or not.
I take this vow because I don't want to be promiscuous. I don't want a strangers hands touching sacred places or hearing intimate things from me. I treasure myself now. I believe I'm worth so much more than that. I've actually been active on this vow(so I guess it's not necessarily a New Years resolution) for a few months now and I feel wonderful. Albeit, it's difficult. I'm only human and every person has their needs. Beit sexual or not. But I can't keep doing the same sporadic fuck here and there.
As good as that one moment feels, I want more than just a moment. Unfortunately, I can't find that right now. For a while, I didn't understand why. Recently, I realized I was looking for a replacement. That's a very vague way to describe it, mind you. But I was looking for someone to make my heart race the same way other people have. To make my lips quiver and my breath hitch in anticipation. That's going to happen again, but not in the same way. I don't think my hands will ever shake the same way they once did. I don't believe my skin will crawl and tingle from someone elses slight touch. The hairs on my body will lay the same way as they were born and that will be okay.
Why? Because this time, it will be a different being. A different heart. A different personality, eyes, lips, the whole lot.
Nothing and no one will compare to the person I loved so long ago. And I'm okay with that. But until someone brand new or someone very old and slightly forgotten comes walking into my life, I'll keep myself to myself. Physically and mentally. People misunderstand commitment for promises. I no longer look for any kind of guarantee or promise aside from the exclusivity of the relationship. Aside from that, life is full of surprises and I will always be ready.
So, 2012, and to anyone that was in my life this year, if I have hurt you, loved you the wrong way, yelled at you, misunderstood you, got wrongfully angry with you, placed blame and acted like my hands were porcelain and new, or all of the above/etc, I'm sorry. Hurting and tarnishing you was never my intent and I hope 2013 gives you not only what you want, but also what you need.
I'll see you next year, blog.
Kels.
But it is also rising from the ashes.
I'm not sure who I am anymore. Whether or not I like it. Frankly, I'm not sure whether or not I like anyone else. This year was tough for various reasons. Now, I could point fingers, place blame, and intoxicate this post with bitterness but I won't do that. Not today. Instead, I accept it. The broken friendships, the broken hearts, the mistakes I've made and the things I thought about but didn't do.
Nothing ever really stays the same. Friendships, relationships, life in general. I was a shitty person and so was everyone else. But we go on without regret. Why? Because as much as we look back and hate the mistake, did the outcome really affect us negatively? Maybe. Or maybe not.
That night that I fucked around with that person in a drunken haze, I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up with a slight recollection and had to go through the foggy memories to figure out what really happened. Due to such, I hurt someone that I never meant to hurt. And at the time, I said some things I didn't mean to say. But did it kill me? No. Did the world stop, turn, and set me ablaze? No.
A few weeks later, I found out what story was told on another side and I was hurt. Not because of the fact that the person told the other. I was hurt because the person told the other a different story. One that strayed far from the truth but was considered honest and open compared to my vindictive and viral behaviour. But sometimes, word of mouth means much more than the person you knew and loved. And that's okay. I'm no saint. At one point, I tried to act like I was. I was a constant victim stuck inside a war that I was actually creating.
Regardless of truth or lie, I was there. I did what I did. I shouldn't have let it happen at all to begin with and for that, I am sorry. But I don't regret it. Not because I enjoyed it or anything like that. I'm actually disgusted with myself to this day. Instead, I believe it happened because I needed to let go. Not of one specific thing, but a vast open jar of moments and memories and yearning.
This year, and I'm referring to 2013, I'm taking a different step. My new years night, I don't plan on having a kiss. Not from a friend nor a lover. I've taken a vow of temporary celibacy. Not the kind that waits till marriage because honestly, I just don't have that in me. Sex is wonderful. Meaningless or not.
I take this vow because I don't want to be promiscuous. I don't want a strangers hands touching sacred places or hearing intimate things from me. I treasure myself now. I believe I'm worth so much more than that. I've actually been active on this vow(so I guess it's not necessarily a New Years resolution) for a few months now and I feel wonderful. Albeit, it's difficult. I'm only human and every person has their needs. Beit sexual or not. But I can't keep doing the same sporadic fuck here and there.
As good as that one moment feels, I want more than just a moment. Unfortunately, I can't find that right now. For a while, I didn't understand why. Recently, I realized I was looking for a replacement. That's a very vague way to describe it, mind you. But I was looking for someone to make my heart race the same way other people have. To make my lips quiver and my breath hitch in anticipation. That's going to happen again, but not in the same way. I don't think my hands will ever shake the same way they once did. I don't believe my skin will crawl and tingle from someone elses slight touch. The hairs on my body will lay the same way as they were born and that will be okay.
Why? Because this time, it will be a different being. A different heart. A different personality, eyes, lips, the whole lot.
Nothing and no one will compare to the person I loved so long ago. And I'm okay with that. But until someone brand new or someone very old and slightly forgotten comes walking into my life, I'll keep myself to myself. Physically and mentally. People misunderstand commitment for promises. I no longer look for any kind of guarantee or promise aside from the exclusivity of the relationship. Aside from that, life is full of surprises and I will always be ready.
So, 2012, and to anyone that was in my life this year, if I have hurt you, loved you the wrong way, yelled at you, misunderstood you, got wrongfully angry with you, placed blame and acted like my hands were porcelain and new, or all of the above/etc, I'm sorry. Hurting and tarnishing you was never my intent and I hope 2013 gives you not only what you want, but also what you need.
I'll see you next year, blog.
Kels.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Leaving The Nest
One morning I woke up and I knew. I knew something good was coming but I also knew something was changing. My life had no stability and neither were the people around me. I remember being sad even though I knew it was good. And now I know why. My move to Maryland has been finalized. Conversations of rent and placement and priorities have been endlessly discussed and there's a scent of excitement in the house. But back home, there's nothing there for me. I have maybe two people I can actually trust and the rest have separated their life from my own. Which is okay until I realize that I am blatantly forgotten.
I've tried saying things and giving hints to said people to try and repair what was broken. Sadly, what was broken was unrepairable. And finally, that's okay too. I don't need them. I thought I did, but I don't anymore. Because I'm moving on with my life and it's wonderful. I'm leaving behind my old life and starting a new one. Still as the same person but with different priorities and goals. I won't have to worry about running into anyone or stepping on anyone's toes. There won't be any "maybe one day"'s. I won't dwell on things I've done or regret anything anymore because I won't run into it. I'll be able to live my life new but also reflect on what has happened and use it to my advantage.
This entry is a bit sporadic because I'm really distracted but I guess what I'm trying to say:
It'll be nice to move on with my life, grow, and tell all of you that doubted me, fuck you. Thank you for showing me who my true friends and family are. The rest of you can go to hell and it wouldn't even phase me.
I've tried saying things and giving hints to said people to try and repair what was broken. Sadly, what was broken was unrepairable. And finally, that's okay too. I don't need them. I thought I did, but I don't anymore. Because I'm moving on with my life and it's wonderful. I'm leaving behind my old life and starting a new one. Still as the same person but with different priorities and goals. I won't have to worry about running into anyone or stepping on anyone's toes. There won't be any "maybe one day"'s. I won't dwell on things I've done or regret anything anymore because I won't run into it. I'll be able to live my life new but also reflect on what has happened and use it to my advantage.
This entry is a bit sporadic because I'm really distracted but I guess what I'm trying to say:
It'll be nice to move on with my life, grow, and tell all of you that doubted me, fuck you. Thank you for showing me who my true friends and family are. The rest of you can go to hell and it wouldn't even phase me.
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