The hardest thing I've ever been faced with...

Last night was it. I had to pull the weight off my shoulders. I was bearing too much and I felt my body starting to slouch. I gave her options. Two options. The only two I could think of that I could live with. One was a happy one. A good one. An option that would make my heart swell and blossom back into life. Two, was sad; A pool of needles to stab and slice every part of my emotions. And last night, I ended up diving into those needles. I had too. Because option one wasn't even a consideration. And I don't blame her. I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at myself. At some point in our relationship, I dropped every wall I had. And this is where I ended up.

I'm not writing this to make sense. I'm not trying to be deep or poetic. I'm trying to be real. To write everything and anything that comes to my mind. But I wish I could just say fuck you. I wish I could be angry and feel hate and want you to genuinely fuck off.

But I don't. Ever. I want you to show up to my door. I want you to chase me. I want you to wonder.

The only bad thing I want for you...is I want you to hurt. I want you to cry. I want you to feel empty.

I want you to realize you need me to fill that void inside you....but maybe you don't... 

"There is no peace when you're missing a piece."

Tonight isn't such a great night for me. I'm emotionally exhausted. I feel outdated. I feel broken. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel angry. I feel sad. I feel regretful. I feel scared. I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel and feel and feel. I sick of feeling. I want to be numb. I want to forget everything that put me here. I want to leave this cynical city and find myself surrounded with green. Where skies are blue, the air is fresh, and the biggest worry is whether or not I'll make it home in time for dinner. I want to pretend. I want to be the prince or princess or toad or fucking castle. I want to slay a dragon and become the hero. Only for a day. I want to believe none of this ever happened. If only for a day.

But I guess that's what life is. A place full of "if onlys" and "what ifs" and "whys". I guess that's the main reason why I'm not afraid of death....atleast then I'll have answers. And, god forbid if I don't, I'll be dead. So it won't matter any more. I need to leave this place. And by place, I don't mean earth. I mean South Florida. I need to leave and go away. I need. I need. I need. But I'm stuck.

"Stop pushing all your tragedies away."

So here I am, watching Twilight on the movie channel, and it's currently 47 degrees outside. But my head seems to be somewhere else. My thoughts, my voice, my ability to communicate in any way possible, has drifted. I'm not sure whether it's in the clouds or just asleep. Maybe it's becoming a recluse. Shunning away everything so my body can stop aching. But that's what I've realized. All those times I said my heart is broken, soul mates, passion....nothing lasts forever. People fall in love, yes. People continue to love each other, yes. But that fresh new feeling never sticks around. Sometimes it pops up and feels amazing, but you can't rely on that feeling alone. You have to realize that if you love someone, you stick around. You let go of any fear, any weight holding you down, and you allow yourself to be vulnerable.

You allow yourself to fuck up, make mistakes, get angry, etc. You have to. Love means letting go of anything and everything you've ever known. And sometimes, things just work. You get to be that lucky couple that didn't have to work for anything. Then, there's some that you HAVE to work for. You have to fight and yell and bitch and hurt in order to figure out what exactly it is that keeps you tied together. But sometimes...you just don't work. The sad thing is that the only way you'd ever know the answer is to try everything possible. That is, if you want to be sure. I, for one, like to be sure. And I'm willing to bend over backwards to find a way until I snap in half.

It can be both a good thing, and a bad thing. Good because I'll go to lengths a normal person wouldn't. And it makes me stronger. Bad because I get hurt more then the usual person. I open myself up to the risk and sometimes it hits me hard. But I don't hate the way I am nor the way I live. For example, right now, I'm bending over backwards. I'm putting myself into a situation I'm somewhat happy with but could use a bit of a stronger dose. But that's also something I'm not going to get right now. It's something I have to wait for. A situation I don't even know will happen or not. I guess my biggest fear is if I'll ever know when I don't have to wait anymore. I don't want it to be based on hints or guessing games or any shit like that. I am not a board game. Nor am I a part of one. I will need a definite answer. I don't know when, I just know I will.

This isn't something I'm going to rush though. I'll take it for what it is. Plus, I don't even know what I want anymore. One day I'm on the verge of giving up, and the next day, the thought kills me. I've never been so confused or lost. But tonight...I'm not. My mind isn't here right now. It's somewhere else trying to give me peace. Lately, I've been listening to the same song on repeat. It helps to gather my thoughts, my strength, and my dignity.

My favorite part of the song has to be the chorus.
                                         
"Stop pushin all your tragedies away
Each moment has got a lesson for the day
Take something with you if you drag your heels in yesterdays
Oh these saturdays"

I feel like its saying "stop hiding. Every day, whether it's bad or good, has a lesson. There's no escape. All you can do is take a risk and hope it works to your benefit. Just remember, you signed the waiver as soon as you let it happen. So live and learn. Today is just one day." And that's just from the chorus. I don't know what I'm saying here tonight. I just know I had to put it all down. It needed to get out of the black hole inside my head. And so here it is. A lack of sense with hopefully a bit of inspiration.

Fruition, it's a lovely thing. I promise you this.

So today went pretty well. I woke up, showered, and went to the mall with my friend Liz to get some Christmas shopping done. I also got my lip pierced. Again. Haha. Then I went to my aunts house for my baby cousins birthday. She was adorable but I spent most of the night with my other cousin Lauren. And I realized just how grown up she's becoming. I also realized just how scared it makes me! I know she's getting older and has a lot to experience but I don't see her as a cousin. I mean, I do, but I see her as much more than that. I see her as my little sister. We grew up together. I babysat her, I fed her, changed her, played with her. And now she's becoming a woman. A teenage woman. And that's scary!

I guess I just keep thinking about all the "what if's" and it's freaking me out. She's not a bad girl and I don't think she'd purposely put herself in a bad situation. I'm just afraid of all the other people. The peer pressure, the hormones, the lack of compassion, everything. I don't know exactly what I'm saying. I'm just writing it all down. I guess I just never realized how important my family really is to me. And though we don't seem close, I do love them all and thank God for them every day. Because as dysfunctional as we are, and no one knows that side of us well, we're stick around. We're blood. If anything were to happen to anyone, every single Markey would come out of the tiniest hole and be there. Regardless of what people think, I have the most amazing family. And I really wished I had realized just how blessed I truly am a long time ago. Either way, I can't wait to pass on my genes and continue on the Markey love. ...Though that's not happening anytime soon. I'm just saying. Hahaha.

Dreams

Sleeping used to be one of my favorite things to do. I could escape anyone and everyone so long as I was asleep. And my dreams would take me far. But sometimes that was dangerous. I'd have amazing dreams, but would be upset at the fact that I woke up. I wanted to live inside of my dreams forever.

Last night changed all of that for me. I had dreams of everything I didn't want to see or feel. I was okay. But my dreams fucked me over. All of them, and there were plenty, had something to do with the person I love. But they were doing something with someone else. I don't know who that person was, but they were dating, kissing, everything people do within a new relationship. That is what was laid out before me multiple times. And I woke up sick. I woke up feeling like someone was shoving needles into my heart one by one. Slowly.

Though, what if that wasn't someone else? What if it was me? With everything that I've been wishing for lately, maybe that was my brain trying to feed me satisfaction. But instead it fed me grief. Things are what they are and there's no going back this time. If, somehow, things work out in the future, then they do. But right now they're not going to. There's supposed to be two people who become one in a relationship. Instead, there were two people against two different pieces of wall. People change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst.

But because of all that, I became a doormat. I became someone I wasn't. But this time, I'm not doing the same thing. I'm not going to speak. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to miss you. And most of all I'm not going to love you. And though it may all be a lie, I'll feed it to myself everyday until there comes a time where it's true.You will mean absolutely nothing to me and I'll disappear. My life will mean something with or without you. But I'm not going to try and fix this anymore. This is in God's hands now. And if I'm meant to be with you, I will.

It's funny what will come from a dream...

"Trace your hands around my misguided heart and watch the world fall apart."

So today wasn't the best, but it wasn't the worst. Or so I keep telling myself. I know it's true though. I don't have it as hard as some other people out there. My heart may not have a home, but that doesn't mean it's alone. I still have my family, my friends, and my music. Which, up until now, I didn't realize just how important was to me. Music follows my mood. If I'm angry, sad, happy, or neutral, so are the tunes running out of my speakers. And though it may allow the people around me to feel the mood as well, it's a lot better than what someone else may doing. I used to have a lot of different releases. Some of which were safe, and some, not so much. But music has always been one of them.

But maybe that's the problem. I'm always trying to find a solution to a problem instead of accepting it for what it is. I can't look at a house and just see a beautiful home. I'm always curious to know what's inside of the walls. That's something I want to change. I want to take everything for what is and only that. I don't want to read too deep into things and constantly have to know the answers. Because sometimes, there is no answer. Sometimes, all that's presented is all the knowledge you'll receive. And that drives me crazy. I feel as I've gotten older, I've just gotten more analytical. And if there's something I can't figure out, it makes me sick. It literally makes me feel like someone is hammering nails into my skull and stepping on my stomach. That's not something I want to live with. It's unhealthy and has brought me misfortune. I'm not saying it's completely a bad thing, I'm just stating that there's a time and place. And if I don't fix it now, I'll be walking in circles forever.