Dreams

Sleeping used to be one of my favorite things to do. I could escape anyone and everyone so long as I was asleep. And my dreams would take me far. But sometimes that was dangerous. I'd have amazing dreams, but would be upset at the fact that I woke up. I wanted to live inside of my dreams forever.

Last night changed all of that for me. I had dreams of everything I didn't want to see or feel. I was okay. But my dreams fucked me over. All of them, and there were plenty, had something to do with the person I love. But they were doing something with someone else. I don't know who that person was, but they were dating, kissing, everything people do within a new relationship. That is what was laid out before me multiple times. And I woke up sick. I woke up feeling like someone was shoving needles into my heart one by one. Slowly.

Though, what if that wasn't someone else? What if it was me? With everything that I've been wishing for lately, maybe that was my brain trying to feed me satisfaction. But instead it fed me grief. Things are what they are and there's no going back this time. If, somehow, things work out in the future, then they do. But right now they're not going to. There's supposed to be two people who become one in a relationship. Instead, there were two people against two different pieces of wall. People change. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst.

But because of all that, I became a doormat. I became someone I wasn't. But this time, I'm not doing the same thing. I'm not going to speak. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to miss you. And most of all I'm not going to love you. And though it may all be a lie, I'll feed it to myself everyday until there comes a time where it's true.You will mean absolutely nothing to me and I'll disappear. My life will mean something with or without you. But I'm not going to try and fix this anymore. This is in God's hands now. And if I'm meant to be with you, I will.

It's funny what will come from a dream...