So here I am, watching Twilight on the movie channel, and it's currently 47 degrees outside. But my head seems to be somewhere else. My thoughts, my voice, my ability to communicate in any way possible, has drifted. I'm not sure whether it's in the clouds or just asleep. Maybe it's becoming a recluse. Shunning away everything so my body can stop aching. But that's what I've realized. All those times I said my heart is broken, soul mates, passion....nothing lasts forever. People fall in love, yes. People continue to love each other, yes. But that fresh new feeling never sticks around. Sometimes it pops up and feels amazing, but you can't rely on that feeling alone. You have to realize that if you love someone, you stick around. You let go of any fear, any weight holding you down, and you allow yourself to be vulnerable.
You allow yourself to fuck up, make mistakes, get angry, etc. You have to. Love means letting go of anything and everything you've ever known. And sometimes, things just work. You get to be that lucky couple that didn't have to work for anything. Then, there's some that you HAVE to work for. You have to fight and yell and bitch and hurt in order to figure out what exactly it is that keeps you tied together. But sometimes...you just don't work. The sad thing is that the only way you'd ever know the answer is to try everything possible. That is, if you want to be sure. I, for one, like to be sure. And I'm willing to bend over backwards to find a way until I snap in half.
It can be both a good thing, and a bad thing. Good because I'll go to lengths a normal person wouldn't. And it makes me stronger. Bad because I get hurt more then the usual person. I open myself up to the risk and sometimes it hits me hard. But I don't hate the way I am nor the way I live. For example, right now, I'm bending over backwards. I'm putting myself into a situation I'm somewhat happy with but could use a bit of a stronger dose. But that's also something I'm not going to get right now. It's something I have to wait for. A situation I don't even know will happen or not. I guess my biggest fear is if I'll ever know when I don't have to wait anymore. I don't want it to be based on hints or guessing games or any shit like that. I am not a board game. Nor am I a part of one. I will need a definite answer. I don't know when, I just know I will.
This isn't something I'm going to rush though. I'll take it for what it is. Plus, I don't even know what I want anymore. One day I'm on the verge of giving up, and the next day, the thought kills me. I've never been so confused or lost. But tonight...I'm not. My mind isn't here right now. It's somewhere else trying to give me peace. Lately, I've been listening to the same song on repeat. It helps to gather my thoughts, my strength, and my dignity.
My favorite part of the song has to be the chorus.
"Stop pushin all your tragedies away
Each moment has got a lesson for the day
Take something with you if you drag your heels in yesterdays
Oh these saturdays"
I feel like its saying "stop hiding. Every day, whether it's bad or good, has a lesson. There's no escape. All you can do is take a risk and hope it works to your benefit. Just remember, you signed the waiver as soon as you let it happen. So live and learn. Today is just one day." And that's just from the chorus. I don't know what I'm saying here tonight. I just know I had to put it all down. It needed to get out of the black hole inside my head. And so here it is. A lack of sense with hopefully a bit of inspiration.
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