Musical Tendencies.

I feel like saying this

But that would never happen because

And though it sometimes hurts, I smile because I know

I've let go of you....and yes, it does feel like something is missing. But I'm happy. And if one day, you decide you want to be friends, we can definitely try. But I sincerely believe that's all we could ever be. If that. If you let it. I'm not trying anymore. Not fighting, not crying. Nothing. I'm taking care of myself and my self worth is just going up because of it. You may be gone, but you didn't disappear. Neither did I. We're both still existent. Just seperately. You know how to reach me whenever you feel like talking. Even if you just need to bitch. I was in love with you once, and now I just love you. Complex to simple. Beautiful.

Painted Faces

The independence is nice. I love my job. I like the alone time I get to embrace ever so often. But I hate the painted faces. People who call themselves friends and then you don't hear from them for a week. Any of them. Even the person who is one of your best friends doesn't call to say "hey lets hang out" or make time for you. It's always what everyone else wants to do. Which is fine. If it makes you happy, I understand. But I'm sick of initiating contact. I'm just sick of this. This was never the place for me. I moved here because I was running. Because I saw an open window and I fucking leaped through it. I'm doing just fine and I'm able to pay bills on my own. It's great.

But I need friends. I need people. Everyone needs people. If we were supposed to be strictly on our own, we wouldn't have a voice. We wouldn't have feelings. We would have absolutely nothing but the ability to live. That's it.

And what makes me even sicker, is knowing I put someone through where I am now. Maybe not as bad, or maybe not as good...but either way...I tossed someone to the corner. And never in my life have I ever gotten such a taste of my own medicine. It's so strong I can feel it in my veins, I can taste it on my tongue, and the smell is burning my eyes.

So for that, I am sorry. I can't take it back. But I'll never do it again.

As for you, and you know who you are, I hope you're doing well. I still think about you from time to time but more so in a "I wonder what she's up to." or "I hope everything in her life is getting better." kind of way. There's no feelings there anymore. All the desire and pull I once had...is gone. And it was strange when I realized it. It was like "Whoa..I haven't thought about her in 3 days." But I do hope you're doing well. I'm sure you are. You're strong and independent. I still think it's a bit much sometimes but if it works for you, that's all that matters.

I do still miss the past though. Not the relationships or anything intimate...I miss our group of friends. You, me, terri, liz. I miss us. We were like a table and so we always had a balanced spot to put our things. But then one leg fell, and the other, and the other. And I realize there is no table anymore.

But I do miss it. It was the most simple and fun part of my life. And I thank you for being a part of that. Maybe one day things will be the way they were. Maybe they won't.

But you know me.

I'll never stop hoping. :)

Apparently

So after having some one-on-one time with the head shrinker, I realized I'm a bit socially awkward. How? Because I have the annoying habit of putting "Haha" in or at the end of EVERYTHING. And why do I do this? So the conversation doesn't have an awkward ending. And to keep my ass out of trouble. Kind of like how a lot of people put "lol" at the end of a comment they make to try and sugarcoat it. Ya. I do this.

I'm not going to tell you how we came up with this discussion because it really doesn't make sense. Regardless, I am to try and break the habit. Say how I feel and stop trying to be a constant friendly. She said it's normal to have enemies and sometimes it's even a good thing so, here I am.

I have a feeling this is going to be difficult. But in the broad spectrum of things, its going to branch out into a lot of good. Well, if it goes accordingly.

We'll see!

Besides that, I'm plotting a trip! I'm not putting names or places just in-case that person sees it(and its going to be a surprise!), but me and another person are plotting. And I couldn't be more excited! I literally felt myself jump with adrenaline when the idea came about and it was amazing! So many new things and places! I can't say much more blog, but when it happens, oh you'll know. And pictures will be spread. :)

I see what ya mean

One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm not, and the next minute I'm ready for anything.

I need to shut up and let everything go until it's ready to be what I want it to be.

Challenge accepted.

But I see what you mean.

I'm unstable, too.

Hi.

What a way to say goodbye

Today, as I was talking and slightly venting to my roommate, I had a moment of fruition. And it's such a sad realization that I won't even write it down. Because it hurt. It hurt me. And it would hurt you. And I'm done hurting people. I'm done hurting myself.

It sucks. It sucks more than the break up. It hurts more than the break up. Because I put myself there. I allowed it. I didn't cheat or be any kind of unfaithful so please don't think that. I know it wouldn't matter now anyway, but still.

I'm not writing this to you. I'm writing this because I don't know how to deal with it. Because I'm upset that I put us in this situation when it could've been ignored.

We're really over this time. There is no going back. But there is always the possibility of going forward. Of somehow working when we can lead a life that doesn't consist of looking back. If that day comes, it will. If it doesn't, it wont. I'm happy either way.

I can't wait for the day when you are like everyone else. When I don't jump from a text, or a call, or something. When I am completely indifferent to your life. And the only way I'll care is as a friend. I really look forward to that day..

What is wrong with you!?

Do you understand how it makes me feel when you sit there and make it seem like I'm fragile!? I'm not made of fucking glass! I can take care of myself like I have been. And the reason why I acted like glass when I was with you was because you don't know wtf you want. One minute you want someone with a different opinion and independence, the next you want them to agree with everything and want to take care of them 24/7.

The only thing I wanted from you, was a conversation. Something to take my mind off the situation. And I didn't want to talk to anyone else but you. I tried, but I missed this friend. Which, in reality, is no friend at all. Because if you were, you would've let go of the current just for a moment. A mere 5 fucking minutes.

Not everything is about you, what you want, or what is convenient for you. So let go of your concern for me. I never want you to take care of me like you used to ever again. Because ever since you stopped, I'm happy again. I'm becoming me again. Thank god, for that. And I'm done looking in the past at our relationship. It turned into crap long ago and we both ignored it. Thinking one day, it'd get better. Well, I know it won't. Not right now and not until we both grow the fuck up. Which by then I'm sure we'll both have moved on. I'm not worried about it.

So just fucking stop thinking about whats right and whats wrong for me. I know whats right and wrong. I'm not a fucking moron. Just let it go. Please. I have.

What a fine sensation.

Things are looking up. Every day I'm presented a new opportunity. Some I don't take and others I gladly accept. Today, for example, I was offered a job answering the phone at an Asian restaurant no more than 2 minutes from my house. I gladly accepted the offer and I should be starting next week. The pay is, funnily enough, 7.50. Whereas everywhere else it's 7.31.

All day I had this feeling in my gut that something was coming. I didn't know what it was going to be but I knew it would be beneficial to my needs. Majority of the time I'll be answering the phone and taking orders, but she also said I would be working delivery at nights sometimes. She's a very sweet person. Which is strange considering the last asian restaurant I worked in, the owner was a cunt!

Tomorrow starts a new day. A new story. I was invited to join in on a video shoot for a rap video and of course I accepted. It's nothing huge. I'll just be a party-goer with a beer in hand. An extra haha. Then that evening, it's the amazinggg potluck that Amanda and her roommates are throwing. I'm baking desserts. I'm very excited. And then after that, Amanda and the girls are dragging me to a lingerie party. I've already gave them notice that I will not be dressing skanky whatsoever. A nice top, make up and new hairstyle will do just fine.

I'm a bit all over the place, blog. My mind seems to refuse focus. It's heading in so many directions so quickly, I feel as though I'm just breezing through life. And that's okay with me. Because I finally admitted to myself that I'm at a point in my life where I have no clue who I am. I changed. And my, what a struggle it's been. But it's not bad. It's quite the contrary actually. Since I've been able to admit that to myself, I've been happier. I'm 21. I've reached that age where I know what I want to do in life, I just don't know who I'll be.

Life has the potential to be something great and mind-blowing. People just get lazy and pass it up. Well, that's no long an issue for me. I have a job lined up, I'm getting school figured out, I'm taking care of myself. I'm even learning how to cook on my own! I'm still not great though, haha.

I've also let go. I've let go of the fact that things don't work out. That regardless of my beliefs, nothing lasts forever. I've released this worry of worrying, I guess you could say. I'm okay. With everything. I'm happy. Maybe not 100%, but I'm definitely on my way. I realize that who I began in your eyes..is not who I ended in your eyes. I'm not sure if that makes the most sense but hey, give me a break. Haha. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when you first saw me, I was something made of steel. Strong, independent, durable. But at some point, you saw me as nothing but porcelain. Fragile. I don't know if it was my fault, your fault, or anyone's fault really. Regardless, I understand.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who I could tip and they would break into a thousand pieces. I'm just happy to say that I'm happy. I'm happy that I'm gaining control. That I'm getting help. Not only from therapy and psychiatry, but also from myself. And from books. Lots of books haha. I've been reading a lot again.

I'm happy. I thought you should know.