Painted Faces

The independence is nice. I love my job. I like the alone time I get to embrace ever so often. But I hate the painted faces. People who call themselves friends and then you don't hear from them for a week. Any of them. Even the person who is one of your best friends doesn't call to say "hey lets hang out" or make time for you. It's always what everyone else wants to do. Which is fine. If it makes you happy, I understand. But I'm sick of initiating contact. I'm just sick of this. This was never the place for me. I moved here because I was running. Because I saw an open window and I fucking leaped through it. I'm doing just fine and I'm able to pay bills on my own. It's great.

But I need friends. I need people. Everyone needs people. If we were supposed to be strictly on our own, we wouldn't have a voice. We wouldn't have feelings. We would have absolutely nothing but the ability to live. That's it.

And what makes me even sicker, is knowing I put someone through where I am now. Maybe not as bad, or maybe not as good...but either way...I tossed someone to the corner. And never in my life have I ever gotten such a taste of my own medicine. It's so strong I can feel it in my veins, I can taste it on my tongue, and the smell is burning my eyes.

So for that, I am sorry. I can't take it back. But I'll never do it again.

As for you, and you know who you are, I hope you're doing well. I still think about you from time to time but more so in a "I wonder what she's up to." or "I hope everything in her life is getting better." kind of way. There's no feelings there anymore. All the desire and pull I once had...is gone. And it was strange when I realized it. It was like "Whoa..I haven't thought about her in 3 days." But I do hope you're doing well. I'm sure you are. You're strong and independent. I still think it's a bit much sometimes but if it works for you, that's all that matters.

I do still miss the past though. Not the relationships or anything intimate...I miss our group of friends. You, me, terri, liz. I miss us. We were like a table and so we always had a balanced spot to put our things. But then one leg fell, and the other, and the other. And I realize there is no table anymore.

But I do miss it. It was the most simple and fun part of my life. And I thank you for being a part of that. Maybe one day things will be the way they were. Maybe they won't.

But you know me.

I'll never stop hoping. :)