Irrational Rationality

I'm over what's not. I'm over what I never had. I'm over what I'll never have. I'm over what I'll never change. I'm over that I'm not going to try and change what cannot be changed. I'm over fighting and trying for a chance that was given. I'm over thinking what I feel means something.

I'm over all of it. Because I'm over being stuck to a past memory, a past moment, a past person.

That person no longer exists. And that's okay. I'm better now. If said person were to ever come back around and take off the mask or cloak it is they're wearing, I would be more than glad to say hello. But other than that, I will not let the hand I once held hold me down.

I've picked myself back up. I love my life and the people who are in it.

I'm much better than I ever thought I would be. But I finally am. So thank you for giving me back my independence. For letting me become who I was before you threw me into the darkest corners. Thank you for leaving my life. No letter nor song could fully explain the appreciation. Though it's sad that you left scars that will never be forgotten. Ones much deeper than those on my skin. Wounds that only people closest to my heart have left. Unfortunately, you became a part of that list. But I hold no grudge against it. If anything, I appreciate the reminder of what to not get myself into again.

I can finally, and sincerely, say that I don't need you. I never did. It was just nice to have someone there when I didn't want to be alone at said moments. Thank you for being there but thank you so much more for not being here at all.

I write this entirely without an ounce of anger or resentment so please don't take it as such.

Good luck in life.

Yours truly but no longer.

False Pretense

So, I'm writing to you. Something I haven't done in quite some time. And I don't really care whether or not you actually read this.

Here it goes.

I'm done lying to myself. To you, to them, to everyone. Am I alive? Yes. Do I have fun? Of course! I'm living life the absolute best way I can.

But that doesn't mean I don't think about you. Not at all. I think about you randomly. I'll get a sudden rush from a past memory. Something that happened very long ago but somehow it still puts a smile in my face and creates this pressure within my stomach.

Someone will say one word and all the sudden your face is the only thing lingering in the back of my mind.

So I do miss you. I miss a part of us. I miss all the good. And my stubborn heart harbors those moments. It's what makes me happy.

But then again, it also makes me grieve. It's not like I haven't tried/am talking to people. I've put myself out there. I'm fairly sure I'm so single that people can smell it because they flock to me. More men than women, though. Gross.

Though, none of them are you. They don't carry the beautiful delicate eyes that you do. Or the perfect smile that, I'm pretty sure, will always make me melt. Or the hands that fit so well with mine. The lips that would give me a sudden rush of want and need. Not always. But sometimes.

I know no one will ever replace you. How could they? You are your own soul.

But my heart knows me better than what I write here. My heart is stubborn, and bold, and warm. And it holds onto you, your memory, your words, your actions, all of it. And it's never angry. It is my mind that comes up with the anger. But it is my heart that soothes it and doesn't allow it to stay angry for long.

I am doing well. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you, that I didn't love you, and that I hope one day we can start again. New, older, wiser, etc. Fresh.

And maybe that won't happen. Maybe you are sincerely not the one for me. For once in my life, I'm patient. And I will wait. Either for you to come back, or even talk to me about it, or to find someone else.

I'm not sure if you're still seeing that girl or not. Quite frankly, I don't care. It's none of my business and as long as you're happy than I guess I'm okay with whatever it is you're doing.

I just don't want to lie to myself. I lied to you, to friends, to family, and myself for quite some time now. Nothing drastic, but still unnecessary.

If you ever find yourself compelled to speak to me or even see me while I'm in town, don't hesitate. Don't fight how you feel. Even if you think it's wrong. Do everything your gut and heart tells you to do. The worst that could happen is nothing. Nothing could happen. Or it could be another start for you, for me, for someone else, who knows.

I just hope one day you let go of whatever it is that's keeping you away from me. Because you were a dear friend and it sucks to have lost that.

But either way, I'll live just fine. See you around. Maybe.

Amazingamazingamazing!

There's so much going on. Majority good and a little bit of bad but the good is definitely outweighing the bad at the moment!! I'm finally making plans that will benefit my future. Where I still work, go to school, make and save money, etc. but still moving on with my life.

So here's what made my night tonight, blog.

Sam and I had a wonderful night of talking shit, ya know, the usual. And also went out to rehab for a couple drinks. We didn't dance. We kept talking about all the decorating and fixing up we're going to do to our house next year.

We decided to leave because we were gonna go see Amanda but she fell asleep. So we came up with the bright idea to go check out our potential house. Bad idea. Awful, actually. Why? Because we are absolutely head over heels in love with this place. It's small and petite which is perfect for us. But what really won us over was the backyard/deck/porch/driveway/trees/stars/EVERYTHING! There's so much land and beauty in this place. It needs small fixer uppers but me and Sam are excited to grab some hammers and go to town on this place!! There's a few things we're iffy about.

The sewage goes through a septic tank. Gross, but durable. The water is well water. Once again, gross(depending) but durable. And there's no cooling system. Though, there are ceiling fans in every room. If worst comes to worst, we can just put a wall unit in. Which we've discussed. There is, however, a heating system so that'll be good for the winter time.

I would have taken photos and posted them here for my few friends who read this but we went to check it out at around 1 o'clock this morning and we were more focused on seeing where we were going than taking pictures. It is in the middle of the woods so the stars are bright, we can build a fire pit, and it's perfect for growing our own fruits/veggies. This is something we are going to do. No ifs,ands,or booties.

The words I've written here do not fully express the breath-taking awe of this place. But rest assured, we may find something better. This was just one place out of 7 we were offered. In total, the realtor has found 40. We still have a long way to go, both financially and emotionally, but it doesn't stop us from getting excited. I sincerely haven't felt this way about something since I was a child. Sure, it'll be hard. But I look forward to every bit of hard work that goes into this project.

Not only that, but all night I have been surrounded by people I love. If they haven't been around me, they have texted and called.

Point being, I fucking love my life. Even during the worst moments, there's always a bit of light guiding me where I'm supposed to be.

Nut Up or Shut Up

I'm so tired. Working 10-12 hours everyday is really starting to weigh me down. I have no time for a social life anymore. And when I do, I never want to do anything but sip on beer all night and watch movies on netflix. It's a simple life I'm leading now. I don't do anything crazy. I thought I would until I realized I'm just done with it all. I get a nice dose of crazy when I visit home but once I come back here, its back to work and school I go. I'm not complaining though. I make really good money where I am now and school is like a breath of fresh air again. It's nice. I do enjoy it. I just feel like something is coming. I'm not sure if it's good or bad but I have this urge to jump out and find it!

I think the only thing that I really do differently now is I smoke weed. Not enough to be a pothead but my intake has definitely increased. I even smoked in my room the other night. Which is not something I've done yet. It was nice. It calmed me down and got my mind to relax for a bit.

But there's still something missing. Something that needs to become visible. And soon. I'm not a patient person. I have a tendency to over-analyze and try to find some kind of solution to any, and every, problem that arises. I'm pretty good at communicating but I can become quite timid at the worst moments. I'm not as easy as I used to think I was. Or maybe I was. But I'm not anymore. That's something that changed; A characteristic that will be difficult to achieve again. Then again, that's the reward when you achieve something, no? You get that feeling of power and accomplishment. I guess I'm just not ready to be granted.

There's a lot going on right now though. A lot that I won't state here. Not yet. Because I don't know anything right now. I'll find out this week. I guess all I can tell you, my dear friend, is that I'll be visiting the doctor quite often within these next two weeks. :\ I just don't want to give myself bad juju based on assumptions. Right now it's a wait and see kind of project. I go in one day, wait to find out something else. I get results, take another test, and wait again. It's repetitive and annoying, but it must be done. And for good reason.


Lets just hope God isn't too busy and will hear my prayers. I've prayed twice this week. It was strange and hard, but it needed to be done. I know my mother and grandmother are praying as well so there's a lot of positive energy afloat.

On a more positive note, me and Sam are planning on being roommates next year. My manager is looking to buy a house and rent it out to people and so she's looking for something that will accommodate Sam and I. I really look forward to it. Whenever we discuss living arrangements and decorating, we get so excited. That house will be crazy but it will be a home. It will be worth every single penny we put into it. And we get along really well. We know what respect entails and we're both responsible. For once, that's something I'm not worried about. I got lucky with this friend. She's become one of my best of the best. No matter how good or bad my day is, Sam will jump if I need her to jump. She hasn't let me down yet and she's motivating me to do even better in my life.

So blog, I'm sorry. But we are staying in Tallahassee. South Florida carries family and friends, but tally carries a future. Not to stay and live here forever, but my education needs to come first again. And BC just won't cut it. So until then, this is home.

Uncommon Reaction

Tonight was different, to say the least. I spent a good five or six hours with a beer in my hand watching people buzz around a room. People hugging, and kissing, and crying. Various emotions and physical attributes in a confined space. And there I was. Standing, or sitting, or walking in one corner. Socializing with some and smiling at others. But there was no evil smirk lurking behind my eyes. My mouth held an upward crescent and not one negative connotation escaped from my lips.

Everything was so smooth and easy. Even the most repulsive moments. That second someone came up to me and said "Aaron is puking in the sink.." I simply laughed, snapped on some gloves, took him to the bathroom, and cleaned out the sink. Not much longer, it was the same thing. Just this time, it was Jessi. And once again, bleach and gloves became my best friend. Even with the scent of vomit filling the air, I held my smile. There was nothing that was going to damage that tonight. Regardless of who was doing what, or who was doing who, I took care of what needed to be taken care of, and went back to my friends and my date.

People kept coming up to me in flashes. Expressing just how great of a person I am, how wonderful of a friend I must be. Flattered as I was, I don't see why doing what I was doing would consider me a good person at all. How do you know who I am? What I do behind the shadows that the trees cast? And more so than anything, why is being kind such a rare act? Do friends not clean puke out of their best friends sinks? Is it abnormal to hand a cup of water to a stranger and tell them you'll be there for them? To give a homeless man a cup of soup and hold a human conversation with him for a few minutes?

Or waiting until everyone leaves, no matter what time it is in the morning, and cleaning your best friends kitchen? I enjoyed it! I took joy in throwing out the garbage, getting rid of the empty and half full containers and wiping away the muck and mess people left behind. I truly felt happy in those moments. I felt fulfilled and content. 

I just don't see why doing what's right makes me a good person. If anything, I believe it just makes me human. And I hope someone else would do the same for me one day.

I'm changing into a person I like very much. Someone who enjoys the simple things again. Who can sit there and say "Who the hell are you? Nice to meet ya!" all in the same sentence. Someone who can take it slow because moving fast only means you'll miss the small things.

I'm happy with the way things are tonight. I can't guarantee this feeling will stick around, but tonight I'm happy. With everything and everyone. Including the people who left.

Why??

I haven't thought about you in a few days. And if I have, it's because I saw something that you would like or laugh at. But that's really it.

So why were you in my dream last night? Why did you say the things you said? And do what you did?? Today will be rough because of that dreams. It wasn't a memory. It wasn't something that ever happened. And god, I hope it's not a sign of some sort. And it's definitely not wishful thinking. Or maybe it is? Maybe it's something I've just shoved down so deep. I don't know. I just don't want you in my dreams anymore. So please, stop.


Yes, I know it's not your fault. I'm not being serious when I say "Please stop." 

Well?

Life goes on. Tonight is the second time. Maybe I can do it this time. Such a simple act, too. Not sexual, just sentimental. Just emotional. Just sensational.


And I couldn't do it.

But I think tonight I can. Because I'm better. Both emotionally and physically.

And if I don't, well, I don't really care.

I don't care about much these days. I'm more of a I-don't-give-a-shit kind of girl now. And I like it! I'm actually happy with things.

I'm happy with what has happened and what's going on. Because I can feel in my stomach that great things are coming for me. That I'm doing EXACTLY what I need to be doing. And I feel other things as well. I won't say what they are, but they make me smile.

Guess that's all I got for ya.