False Pretense

So, I'm writing to you. Something I haven't done in quite some time. And I don't really care whether or not you actually read this.

Here it goes.

I'm done lying to myself. To you, to them, to everyone. Am I alive? Yes. Do I have fun? Of course! I'm living life the absolute best way I can.

But that doesn't mean I don't think about you. Not at all. I think about you randomly. I'll get a sudden rush from a past memory. Something that happened very long ago but somehow it still puts a smile in my face and creates this pressure within my stomach.

Someone will say one word and all the sudden your face is the only thing lingering in the back of my mind.

So I do miss you. I miss a part of us. I miss all the good. And my stubborn heart harbors those moments. It's what makes me happy.

But then again, it also makes me grieve. It's not like I haven't tried/am talking to people. I've put myself out there. I'm fairly sure I'm so single that people can smell it because they flock to me. More men than women, though. Gross.

Though, none of them are you. They don't carry the beautiful delicate eyes that you do. Or the perfect smile that, I'm pretty sure, will always make me melt. Or the hands that fit so well with mine. The lips that would give me a sudden rush of want and need. Not always. But sometimes.

I know no one will ever replace you. How could they? You are your own soul.

But my heart knows me better than what I write here. My heart is stubborn, and bold, and warm. And it holds onto you, your memory, your words, your actions, all of it. And it's never angry. It is my mind that comes up with the anger. But it is my heart that soothes it and doesn't allow it to stay angry for long.

I am doing well. But I would be lying if I said I didn't miss you, that I didn't love you, and that I hope one day we can start again. New, older, wiser, etc. Fresh.

And maybe that won't happen. Maybe you are sincerely not the one for me. For once in my life, I'm patient. And I will wait. Either for you to come back, or even talk to me about it, or to find someone else.

I'm not sure if you're still seeing that girl or not. Quite frankly, I don't care. It's none of my business and as long as you're happy than I guess I'm okay with whatever it is you're doing.

I just don't want to lie to myself. I lied to you, to friends, to family, and myself for quite some time now. Nothing drastic, but still unnecessary.

If you ever find yourself compelled to speak to me or even see me while I'm in town, don't hesitate. Don't fight how you feel. Even if you think it's wrong. Do everything your gut and heart tells you to do. The worst that could happen is nothing. Nothing could happen. Or it could be another start for you, for me, for someone else, who knows.

I just hope one day you let go of whatever it is that's keeping you away from me. Because you were a dear friend and it sucks to have lost that.

But either way, I'll live just fine. See you around. Maybe.