This seems to be recurring. Maybe I'm the one to blame. But I feel no shame. I've struggled endlessly where my palms met nails and my teeth met tongue. There was this strong pain in the gain but the gain never tasted the same as the pain. The adrenaline rush, the exhilaration that existed within the moments of constant waste; those were the moments of gain. To gradually build characteristics within your wrongs and know what it is to be able lose and love and lust and hurt. But at what expense is it to live a life? You spend days and minutes and months trying to figure out what you've done wrong instead of seeing what you've done right. Seemingly, it's easier for us to place blame on others than ourselves. That whole notion is arbitrary, isn't it? To try and fish out what isn't ours. We are the villains because we claim to be. We are the naysayers and disbelievers because we choose things that aren't good for us.
Then we have the audacity to ask God, or whatever deity we believe in, why these things are happening to us. They happen because secretly, we want them to happen. We want arguments that turn into screaming matches, we want our blood to boil, we want things to go badly. However, we want them for a specific time span. The time between when we're angry and when we're not. I did. I wanted my voice to be horse and venom to be set in each sentence that was spewed. So why is it now, now when I no longer want these things, do they happen more often than not?
I try to find the moment when I went from being this carefree, loving, blissfully ignorant kid to this upset and angry at the world adult? I guess angry isnt the proper terminology. Hmm. I guess to put it simply, I've become one of "them". I have become that person that looks to the sky and asks redundant questions. Seeking answers that I don't really want to find. Or maybe answers that have always been there for that I've taken for granted. There is no solution to an imaginary problem.
Well, I've grown tired of playing monopoly with myself. I've tossed the board across the room, set fire to the money and I've called it quits. My life, my pain, my exhaustion and anger and aggression is my fault and my fault alone. No one made me like I am. People can of course do certain things that tribute to the attitude but we're the ones that feed it.
So why don't we just stop being our own monsters? I'm calling it quits today. I will be thankful for what I have and don't have. I will find the excitement in the moments and the sky and the air and smokey rooms and the loud bars and the people laughing and crying and yelling and smiling and sobbing. I will take responsibility for the life I had led, the life I have now, and the life I will have later.
These are my mistakes. And I am thankful for them. And for you. For all of those that came, and went, and stayed, and said hello.
Thanks.
And cheers.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Hot damn.
Hey! It's been a while. A longgg while. Well, here I am. I'll update you as much as I can.
Well, I'm still in Maryland. I moved out of Karen and Robin's house in Dundalk and now live in Parkville. It's closer to work and in an amazing neighborhood. I'm still with Laura and we're going on 7 months now. This is also the best relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say the most intense, but I would say most meaningful. We communicate very well and when we don't, we try again. And we have fun together so that's great. There's ups as well as downs but so far so good. We'll see how it goes though.
My job is going well too. My manager has become like a big brother to me and helps me with whatever question or need I have. His wife is also trying to hire me for one of her virtual assistant jobs. The pay is great and I can work from wherever as long as I have a computer! What does that mean? That means Kelsey will be going to New York. Often.
As for being homesick, I wish I could say I was. I miss my niece and nephew immensely! When I went to visit, my niece ran across the house and right into my arms. Then on my last day there, she begged me to stay and even offered to give me my room back. She's the smartest 3 year old ever.
Seeing my family and friends was great too. Unfortunately, I did not like being there. I wanted to come home. My new home. My permanent home. I absolutely adore it up here. Even the bad moments turn into great ones. I love being in the middle of the east coast. DC is 45 mins away, NJ is 2 hours away, NY is 3 1/2 hours away, and philly is only an hour away. Laura and I have already gone to all 4 together. Our new thing is to see broadway shows. We just saw Phantom of the Opera and I had goosebumps the entire time.
There's still a lot of things I don't understand but the difference between then and now is that I seek answers. If one option doesn't work, I try another. And another. And another. I dont give up.
Things have worked out here. And I'm happy. I'm passionate.
I hope that you're all doing well! I doubt anyone reads this anymore but if you do, I hope you're days are full of moments that take your breath away. We all deserve it.
Well, I'm still in Maryland. I moved out of Karen and Robin's house in Dundalk and now live in Parkville. It's closer to work and in an amazing neighborhood. I'm still with Laura and we're going on 7 months now. This is also the best relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say the most intense, but I would say most meaningful. We communicate very well and when we don't, we try again. And we have fun together so that's great. There's ups as well as downs but so far so good. We'll see how it goes though.
My job is going well too. My manager has become like a big brother to me and helps me with whatever question or need I have. His wife is also trying to hire me for one of her virtual assistant jobs. The pay is great and I can work from wherever as long as I have a computer! What does that mean? That means Kelsey will be going to New York. Often.
As for being homesick, I wish I could say I was. I miss my niece and nephew immensely! When I went to visit, my niece ran across the house and right into my arms. Then on my last day there, she begged me to stay and even offered to give me my room back. She's the smartest 3 year old ever.
Seeing my family and friends was great too. Unfortunately, I did not like being there. I wanted to come home. My new home. My permanent home. I absolutely adore it up here. Even the bad moments turn into great ones. I love being in the middle of the east coast. DC is 45 mins away, NJ is 2 hours away, NY is 3 1/2 hours away, and philly is only an hour away. Laura and I have already gone to all 4 together. Our new thing is to see broadway shows. We just saw Phantom of the Opera and I had goosebumps the entire time.
There's still a lot of things I don't understand but the difference between then and now is that I seek answers. If one option doesn't work, I try another. And another. And another. I dont give up.
Things have worked out here. And I'm happy. I'm passionate.
I hope that you're all doing well! I doubt anyone reads this anymore but if you do, I hope you're days are full of moments that take your breath away. We all deserve it.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Cradle The Robbers
Hey blog. Remember me? It's been a while, I know. My bad. I've been pretty busy and here I am to tell you why.
Well, I moved to Maryland! I'm here now. On my bed. In the basement. That's about 1000 miles away from Hollywood. For lack of a better word, it's awesome. I feel at home here. The kids play outside with their winter coats close to their bodies, shoes get dirty, laughter and yelling fills every silence and it's wonderful. I didn't see that much back in Florida. People are too busy paying attention to what's inside of their walls instead of what's outside. People become a part of their town and agriculture here. I've seen so many faces and have learned so many names that sometimes I have to be reminded just who it is that I'm talking to. I know it doesn't go for everyone, but the people I have encountered seem to be nothing but genuine.
I also got a job! I'm working at the Aberdeen Proving Ground. It's on the military base about 30 minutes from my house. Majority of the people I see are engineers that work for the military coming up with ideas for weapons and such. I think. I could be wrong. There's also a small community of soldiers that live on the base itself. I like it there. The people are nice and my coworker and manager are good people. The pay is decent too. Once I pass my three months, they'll help pay for my education and also offer amazing health benefits. I got really lucky with this.
I won't say that everything is sunshine and rainbows. It's not. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes. I've had a few days where depression struck and I found tears falling down my face. God, I sound dramatic don't I? Well, it was a bit dramatic. It was sad. Not solely because I miss them. I can deal with being homesick. It was sad because I knew I had let go of an old life. A life that once meant the world but is now just a part of my history. The people, the places, everything. I've moved on and have created a life for myself. The ex girlfriends I'll no longer run into, the old friends I'll no longer say "hey we should get lunch!" but never actually do it.
And it was definitely a hard transition to go from a place where you know everyone to a place where you know no one. At the same token, it's freeing. I know the mistakes I made there won't affect me here. Not like they did down there. There was so much ill will in Florida but here, people know the mistakes and love me regardless. They've heard me take blame, place blame, and even cry sporadically whilst talking about all of it. But no judgments were made. No one stood on an invisible pedestal and pointed a finger. They smiled, made funny faces, and said "We've all fucked up, Kels."
We have all fucked up.
Do you know the impact that has on people? Let me explain.
Now, this is no innocent world. Humanity is a wolf in sheeps skin. We all are at some point. Some of us, forever. That doesn't define us though. Well, it shouldn't. Sometimes we allow it to. We give it the power to eat away at our innocence and make us think we're terrible people. Thus, we actually become terrible. Instead of doing that, we should embrace the bad moments. Remember, without the bad, there would be no good. Ying & Yang!(not the rappers) I know the bad I have done. But I also recall the good. Therein lies that fact that I am human. So when someone looks at you and basically says "Hey! We're imperfect too!" it's pretty beautiful.
With that said, I'll go ahead and tell you about my girlfriend.
Her name is Laura. She's 23 years old, a teacher, and has a heart of pure gold. She's seen a few of my flaws and smiles at them. She accepts every curve, crevice, and chip. She doesn't mind that I can't accept a compliment without hiding my face or rolling my eyes. She doesn't mind my horrible morning breath or the fact that I'm sensitive. She's seen my soft side but knows that these knuckles have had their fair share of bruises and cuts. She has felt the scars and understood why they're there. She looked in my direction and saw me. Not just this foolish exterior that so many people deem dangerous or intimidating. She knows that I've messed up and knew it was just a part of my past. Not the present. That who I was and the things I've done do not make me who I am now. They helped me become the way I am, but they do not engulf me. We're not attached at the hip either. When we go out with our friends, we all socialize but we also get into our little groups. We can be at opposite sides of the room and know neither one of us have anything to worry about. Our eyes will lock, we'll smile, and go back to whatever else it was that we were doing.
We acknowledge that we still have our separate lives to worry about. We're just two worlds that are now working together. But that's the thing. We each still have our own life. The relationship doesn't consume and drown us. I've never been in something so...mature? Haha. I guess that's the easiest way to say it. She's lovely. She sits back and she understands. She's my own personal wallflower and I get to experience more and more of her everyday. Even if we don't see each other that day. Which we don't. We don't see each other every single day. She pretty much just takes me breath away and to be honest, if it's oxygen she wants, I'd give it to her.
Aside from her and work, everything else is working out. I get lonely at times because, like I said, I don't know many people. But I'll get there eventually. It's only been a month and I'm still branching out. The friends I've made are great ones. I've been wise about who I choose to come into my life here. Not everyone deserves a place. There's so much I've yet to see in this beautiful state, along with the surrounding states. Pennsylvania, NY, Jersey, Delaware, Massachusetts, Maine, Virginia, it's as though the sights and sounds will never stop.
I think I may have found my home. Maybe not Maryland, or Baltimore, but definitely within the vicinity. We'll see.
So here's a toast to you, life. You have been difficult, cruel, giving, beautiful, harsh, kind, mean, angry, forgiving, calm, compassionate. You have given me everything I've needed and I'm excited to see what else you have to offer.
Goodbye Florida. Along with most of the people I knew. I'll be back for a few days for christmas every year but other than that, I'm never coming back. So thank you for being in my life. Even if you no longer are. It was a pleasure.
Sincerely,
Kels
Well, I moved to Maryland! I'm here now. On my bed. In the basement. That's about 1000 miles away from Hollywood. For lack of a better word, it's awesome. I feel at home here. The kids play outside with their winter coats close to their bodies, shoes get dirty, laughter and yelling fills every silence and it's wonderful. I didn't see that much back in Florida. People are too busy paying attention to what's inside of their walls instead of what's outside. People become a part of their town and agriculture here. I've seen so many faces and have learned so many names that sometimes I have to be reminded just who it is that I'm talking to. I know it doesn't go for everyone, but the people I have encountered seem to be nothing but genuine.
I also got a job! I'm working at the Aberdeen Proving Ground. It's on the military base about 30 minutes from my house. Majority of the people I see are engineers that work for the military coming up with ideas for weapons and such. I think. I could be wrong. There's also a small community of soldiers that live on the base itself. I like it there. The people are nice and my coworker and manager are good people. The pay is decent too. Once I pass my three months, they'll help pay for my education and also offer amazing health benefits. I got really lucky with this.
I won't say that everything is sunshine and rainbows. It's not. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes. I've had a few days where depression struck and I found tears falling down my face. God, I sound dramatic don't I? Well, it was a bit dramatic. It was sad. Not solely because I miss them. I can deal with being homesick. It was sad because I knew I had let go of an old life. A life that once meant the world but is now just a part of my history. The people, the places, everything. I've moved on and have created a life for myself. The ex girlfriends I'll no longer run into, the old friends I'll no longer say "hey we should get lunch!" but never actually do it.
And it was definitely a hard transition to go from a place where you know everyone to a place where you know no one. At the same token, it's freeing. I know the mistakes I made there won't affect me here. Not like they did down there. There was so much ill will in Florida but here, people know the mistakes and love me regardless. They've heard me take blame, place blame, and even cry sporadically whilst talking about all of it. But no judgments were made. No one stood on an invisible pedestal and pointed a finger. They smiled, made funny faces, and said "We've all fucked up, Kels."
We have all fucked up.
Do you know the impact that has on people? Let me explain.
Now, this is no innocent world. Humanity is a wolf in sheeps skin. We all are at some point. Some of us, forever. That doesn't define us though. Well, it shouldn't. Sometimes we allow it to. We give it the power to eat away at our innocence and make us think we're terrible people. Thus, we actually become terrible. Instead of doing that, we should embrace the bad moments. Remember, without the bad, there would be no good. Ying & Yang!(not the rappers) I know the bad I have done. But I also recall the good. Therein lies that fact that I am human. So when someone looks at you and basically says "Hey! We're imperfect too!" it's pretty beautiful.
With that said, I'll go ahead and tell you about my girlfriend.
Her name is Laura. She's 23 years old, a teacher, and has a heart of pure gold. She's seen a few of my flaws and smiles at them. She accepts every curve, crevice, and chip. She doesn't mind that I can't accept a compliment without hiding my face or rolling my eyes. She doesn't mind my horrible morning breath or the fact that I'm sensitive. She's seen my soft side but knows that these knuckles have had their fair share of bruises and cuts. She has felt the scars and understood why they're there. She looked in my direction and saw me. Not just this foolish exterior that so many people deem dangerous or intimidating. She knows that I've messed up and knew it was just a part of my past. Not the present. That who I was and the things I've done do not make me who I am now. They helped me become the way I am, but they do not engulf me. We're not attached at the hip either. When we go out with our friends, we all socialize but we also get into our little groups. We can be at opposite sides of the room and know neither one of us have anything to worry about. Our eyes will lock, we'll smile, and go back to whatever else it was that we were doing.
We acknowledge that we still have our separate lives to worry about. We're just two worlds that are now working together. But that's the thing. We each still have our own life. The relationship doesn't consume and drown us. I've never been in something so...mature? Haha. I guess that's the easiest way to say it. She's lovely. She sits back and she understands. She's my own personal wallflower and I get to experience more and more of her everyday. Even if we don't see each other that day. Which we don't. We don't see each other every single day. She pretty much just takes me breath away and to be honest, if it's oxygen she wants, I'd give it to her.
Aside from her and work, everything else is working out. I get lonely at times because, like I said, I don't know many people. But I'll get there eventually. It's only been a month and I'm still branching out. The friends I've made are great ones. I've been wise about who I choose to come into my life here. Not everyone deserves a place. There's so much I've yet to see in this beautiful state, along with the surrounding states. Pennsylvania, NY, Jersey, Delaware, Massachusetts, Maine, Virginia, it's as though the sights and sounds will never stop.
I think I may have found my home. Maybe not Maryland, or Baltimore, but definitely within the vicinity. We'll see.
So here's a toast to you, life. You have been difficult, cruel, giving, beautiful, harsh, kind, mean, angry, forgiving, calm, compassionate. You have given me everything I've needed and I'm excited to see what else you have to offer.
Goodbye Florida. Along with most of the people I knew. I'll be back for a few days for christmas every year but other than that, I'm never coming back. So thank you for being in my life. Even if you no longer are. It was a pleasure.
Sincerely,
Kels
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Simultaneously
My world is burning down
But it is also rising from the ashes.
I'm not sure who I am anymore. Whether or not I like it. Frankly, I'm not sure whether or not I like anyone else. This year was tough for various reasons. Now, I could point fingers, place blame, and intoxicate this post with bitterness but I won't do that. Not today. Instead, I accept it. The broken friendships, the broken hearts, the mistakes I've made and the things I thought about but didn't do.
Nothing ever really stays the same. Friendships, relationships, life in general. I was a shitty person and so was everyone else. But we go on without regret. Why? Because as much as we look back and hate the mistake, did the outcome really affect us negatively? Maybe. Or maybe not.
That night that I fucked around with that person in a drunken haze, I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up with a slight recollection and had to go through the foggy memories to figure out what really happened. Due to such, I hurt someone that I never meant to hurt. And at the time, I said some things I didn't mean to say. But did it kill me? No. Did the world stop, turn, and set me ablaze? No.
A few weeks later, I found out what story was told on another side and I was hurt. Not because of the fact that the person told the other. I was hurt because the person told the other a different story. One that strayed far from the truth but was considered honest and open compared to my vindictive and viral behaviour. But sometimes, word of mouth means much more than the person you knew and loved. And that's okay. I'm no saint. At one point, I tried to act like I was. I was a constant victim stuck inside a war that I was actually creating.
Regardless of truth or lie, I was there. I did what I did. I shouldn't have let it happen at all to begin with and for that, I am sorry. But I don't regret it. Not because I enjoyed it or anything like that. I'm actually disgusted with myself to this day. Instead, I believe it happened because I needed to let go. Not of one specific thing, but a vast open jar of moments and memories and yearning.
This year, and I'm referring to 2013, I'm taking a different step. My new years night, I don't plan on having a kiss. Not from a friend nor a lover. I've taken a vow of temporary celibacy. Not the kind that waits till marriage because honestly, I just don't have that in me. Sex is wonderful. Meaningless or not.
I take this vow because I don't want to be promiscuous. I don't want a strangers hands touching sacred places or hearing intimate things from me. I treasure myself now. I believe I'm worth so much more than that. I've actually been active on this vow(so I guess it's not necessarily a New Years resolution) for a few months now and I feel wonderful. Albeit, it's difficult. I'm only human and every person has their needs. Beit sexual or not. But I can't keep doing the same sporadic fuck here and there.
As good as that one moment feels, I want more than just a moment. Unfortunately, I can't find that right now. For a while, I didn't understand why. Recently, I realized I was looking for a replacement. That's a very vague way to describe it, mind you. But I was looking for someone to make my heart race the same way other people have. To make my lips quiver and my breath hitch in anticipation. That's going to happen again, but not in the same way. I don't think my hands will ever shake the same way they once did. I don't believe my skin will crawl and tingle from someone elses slight touch. The hairs on my body will lay the same way as they were born and that will be okay.
Why? Because this time, it will be a different being. A different heart. A different personality, eyes, lips, the whole lot.
Nothing and no one will compare to the person I loved so long ago. And I'm okay with that. But until someone brand new or someone very old and slightly forgotten comes walking into my life, I'll keep myself to myself. Physically and mentally. People misunderstand commitment for promises. I no longer look for any kind of guarantee or promise aside from the exclusivity of the relationship. Aside from that, life is full of surprises and I will always be ready.
So, 2012, and to anyone that was in my life this year, if I have hurt you, loved you the wrong way, yelled at you, misunderstood you, got wrongfully angry with you, placed blame and acted like my hands were porcelain and new, or all of the above/etc, I'm sorry. Hurting and tarnishing you was never my intent and I hope 2013 gives you not only what you want, but also what you need.
I'll see you next year, blog.
Kels.
But it is also rising from the ashes.
I'm not sure who I am anymore. Whether or not I like it. Frankly, I'm not sure whether or not I like anyone else. This year was tough for various reasons. Now, I could point fingers, place blame, and intoxicate this post with bitterness but I won't do that. Not today. Instead, I accept it. The broken friendships, the broken hearts, the mistakes I've made and the things I thought about but didn't do.
Nothing ever really stays the same. Friendships, relationships, life in general. I was a shitty person and so was everyone else. But we go on without regret. Why? Because as much as we look back and hate the mistake, did the outcome really affect us negatively? Maybe. Or maybe not.
That night that I fucked around with that person in a drunken haze, I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up with a slight recollection and had to go through the foggy memories to figure out what really happened. Due to such, I hurt someone that I never meant to hurt. And at the time, I said some things I didn't mean to say. But did it kill me? No. Did the world stop, turn, and set me ablaze? No.
A few weeks later, I found out what story was told on another side and I was hurt. Not because of the fact that the person told the other. I was hurt because the person told the other a different story. One that strayed far from the truth but was considered honest and open compared to my vindictive and viral behaviour. But sometimes, word of mouth means much more than the person you knew and loved. And that's okay. I'm no saint. At one point, I tried to act like I was. I was a constant victim stuck inside a war that I was actually creating.
Regardless of truth or lie, I was there. I did what I did. I shouldn't have let it happen at all to begin with and for that, I am sorry. But I don't regret it. Not because I enjoyed it or anything like that. I'm actually disgusted with myself to this day. Instead, I believe it happened because I needed to let go. Not of one specific thing, but a vast open jar of moments and memories and yearning.
This year, and I'm referring to 2013, I'm taking a different step. My new years night, I don't plan on having a kiss. Not from a friend nor a lover. I've taken a vow of temporary celibacy. Not the kind that waits till marriage because honestly, I just don't have that in me. Sex is wonderful. Meaningless or not.
I take this vow because I don't want to be promiscuous. I don't want a strangers hands touching sacred places or hearing intimate things from me. I treasure myself now. I believe I'm worth so much more than that. I've actually been active on this vow(so I guess it's not necessarily a New Years resolution) for a few months now and I feel wonderful. Albeit, it's difficult. I'm only human and every person has their needs. Beit sexual or not. But I can't keep doing the same sporadic fuck here and there.
As good as that one moment feels, I want more than just a moment. Unfortunately, I can't find that right now. For a while, I didn't understand why. Recently, I realized I was looking for a replacement. That's a very vague way to describe it, mind you. But I was looking for someone to make my heart race the same way other people have. To make my lips quiver and my breath hitch in anticipation. That's going to happen again, but not in the same way. I don't think my hands will ever shake the same way they once did. I don't believe my skin will crawl and tingle from someone elses slight touch. The hairs on my body will lay the same way as they were born and that will be okay.
Why? Because this time, it will be a different being. A different heart. A different personality, eyes, lips, the whole lot.
Nothing and no one will compare to the person I loved so long ago. And I'm okay with that. But until someone brand new or someone very old and slightly forgotten comes walking into my life, I'll keep myself to myself. Physically and mentally. People misunderstand commitment for promises. I no longer look for any kind of guarantee or promise aside from the exclusivity of the relationship. Aside from that, life is full of surprises and I will always be ready.
So, 2012, and to anyone that was in my life this year, if I have hurt you, loved you the wrong way, yelled at you, misunderstood you, got wrongfully angry with you, placed blame and acted like my hands were porcelain and new, or all of the above/etc, I'm sorry. Hurting and tarnishing you was never my intent and I hope 2013 gives you not only what you want, but also what you need.
I'll see you next year, blog.
Kels.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Leaving The Nest
One morning I woke up and I knew. I knew something good was coming but I also knew something was changing. My life had no stability and neither were the people around me. I remember being sad even though I knew it was good. And now I know why. My move to Maryland has been finalized. Conversations of rent and placement and priorities have been endlessly discussed and there's a scent of excitement in the house. But back home, there's nothing there for me. I have maybe two people I can actually trust and the rest have separated their life from my own. Which is okay until I realize that I am blatantly forgotten.
I've tried saying things and giving hints to said people to try and repair what was broken. Sadly, what was broken was unrepairable. And finally, that's okay too. I don't need them. I thought I did, but I don't anymore. Because I'm moving on with my life and it's wonderful. I'm leaving behind my old life and starting a new one. Still as the same person but with different priorities and goals. I won't have to worry about running into anyone or stepping on anyone's toes. There won't be any "maybe one day"'s. I won't dwell on things I've done or regret anything anymore because I won't run into it. I'll be able to live my life new but also reflect on what has happened and use it to my advantage.
This entry is a bit sporadic because I'm really distracted but I guess what I'm trying to say:
It'll be nice to move on with my life, grow, and tell all of you that doubted me, fuck you. Thank you for showing me who my true friends and family are. The rest of you can go to hell and it wouldn't even phase me.
I've tried saying things and giving hints to said people to try and repair what was broken. Sadly, what was broken was unrepairable. And finally, that's okay too. I don't need them. I thought I did, but I don't anymore. Because I'm moving on with my life and it's wonderful. I'm leaving behind my old life and starting a new one. Still as the same person but with different priorities and goals. I won't have to worry about running into anyone or stepping on anyone's toes. There won't be any "maybe one day"'s. I won't dwell on things I've done or regret anything anymore because I won't run into it. I'll be able to live my life new but also reflect on what has happened and use it to my advantage.
This entry is a bit sporadic because I'm really distracted but I guess what I'm trying to say:
It'll be nice to move on with my life, grow, and tell all of you that doubted me, fuck you. Thank you for showing me who my true friends and family are. The rest of you can go to hell and it wouldn't even phase me.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Baby steps, Giant leaps.
There's a beautiful, ugly characteristic about moving on. With anyone. Moving on can consist of leaving one life and leading into another. A life of one person, a moment, a sequence, a friendship, a love, or an entire life. And I used to think it was somewhat beautiful. I guess I still do. Any kind of movement is a choice. But the choice is only for the person committing the movement. What people fail to realize is that whatever step you make, it will effect someone else.
For example, I have stepped without thinking. My feet have sunk into potholes, leaving me with nothing but a muddy shoe and a footprint I'd rather not exist. But low and behold, I continued to mark the streets with those footprints whilst everyone else caught a glimpse of the mistakes. However, I've also dug my toes into the sand and watched the sea erase my mental canvas, thus allowing me to paint something new. Something fresh. And it was glorious.
I remember sharing my internal brush with other painters. Creating this wonderful picture of colors that interacted and danced together. Sadly, it seems as though their limbs grew tired. Those young hands that used to be so still and balanced and beautiful and interwoven slipped from each others grasp. And the wind took them away that night. Or that day. Or that hour or minute.
I speak in metaphor because it's easier to explain loss this way.
This year, I lost more than I have in a long time. I lost love. Well...I guess I lost it long ago. But I finally stopped putting up missing signs. And that was a beautiful moment of movement. There's always pain in letting go but there's also relief. The loss I'm really referring to is that of a platonic standpoint. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm really the one in the wrong with all these people.
But maybe I'm not.
Everyone develops a life of their own at some point. The need to rely and lean fades and surely, I've done this too. I'm not placing blame nor calling myself innocent in any way. Instead, I reflect on what has been lost and possibly why it went missing in the first place. People I was close to less than two months ago, I'm no longer. People whom I have been friends with for years and have lived carelessly with, I've suddenly found myself walking on eggshells around. I have to constantly remind myself not to say a certain thing, not to put a certain song on, not to bring up that one time when so and so did this and that.
I'm a human censor.
Well, anyone who knows me well is already aware that censorship and withholding doesn't stand well with me. I become impatient, angry, and extremely emotional because of it. But it was something I had to do with a best friend. Hell, I'm still doing it. And I don't think she's noticed at all. I don't think she noticed how hurt I was by her words and anger over such a miniscule situation. She stands so tall and preaches about loyalty but it feels like she may have forgotten her own.
And that's the sad part about moving on. You can be the same wonderful person for years and then one day, you wake up and you're completely different. But you don't really notice it. You don't notice it because that's who you are now. You can't witness nor feel yourself change if it's a part of you. I've heard so many people say "No one knows you better than yourself" but I think it's complete rubbish. Personally, I think we're the people who know the least. We're the kids who mistake our identity for something we'd prefer it to be. And while the people around us disintegrate, we question ourselves why.
Why did this person do that? Or why did I do that? Why can't I be here? Why don't I feel happy here? What do I do? We're always so busy asking ourselves questions that we forget we have those people closest to our hearts with open answers. They're just waiting for their turn to speak.
And you can choose to stay in the same place and ask yourself questions...
Or you can choose to pick up your muddy feet and travel into the answers. Into the mouths of those whom love us most.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what you do, you have to move on. From anything and anyone. You just have to choose which direction you want to move.
For example, I have stepped without thinking. My feet have sunk into potholes, leaving me with nothing but a muddy shoe and a footprint I'd rather not exist. But low and behold, I continued to mark the streets with those footprints whilst everyone else caught a glimpse of the mistakes. However, I've also dug my toes into the sand and watched the sea erase my mental canvas, thus allowing me to paint something new. Something fresh. And it was glorious.
I remember sharing my internal brush with other painters. Creating this wonderful picture of colors that interacted and danced together. Sadly, it seems as though their limbs grew tired. Those young hands that used to be so still and balanced and beautiful and interwoven slipped from each others grasp. And the wind took them away that night. Or that day. Or that hour or minute.
I speak in metaphor because it's easier to explain loss this way.
This year, I lost more than I have in a long time. I lost love. Well...I guess I lost it long ago. But I finally stopped putting up missing signs. And that was a beautiful moment of movement. There's always pain in letting go but there's also relief. The loss I'm really referring to is that of a platonic standpoint. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm really the one in the wrong with all these people.
But maybe I'm not.
Everyone develops a life of their own at some point. The need to rely and lean fades and surely, I've done this too. I'm not placing blame nor calling myself innocent in any way. Instead, I reflect on what has been lost and possibly why it went missing in the first place. People I was close to less than two months ago, I'm no longer. People whom I have been friends with for years and have lived carelessly with, I've suddenly found myself walking on eggshells around. I have to constantly remind myself not to say a certain thing, not to put a certain song on, not to bring up that one time when so and so did this and that.
I'm a human censor.
Well, anyone who knows me well is already aware that censorship and withholding doesn't stand well with me. I become impatient, angry, and extremely emotional because of it. But it was something I had to do with a best friend. Hell, I'm still doing it. And I don't think she's noticed at all. I don't think she noticed how hurt I was by her words and anger over such a miniscule situation. She stands so tall and preaches about loyalty but it feels like she may have forgotten her own.
And that's the sad part about moving on. You can be the same wonderful person for years and then one day, you wake up and you're completely different. But you don't really notice it. You don't notice it because that's who you are now. You can't witness nor feel yourself change if it's a part of you. I've heard so many people say "No one knows you better than yourself" but I think it's complete rubbish. Personally, I think we're the people who know the least. We're the kids who mistake our identity for something we'd prefer it to be. And while the people around us disintegrate, we question ourselves why.
Why did this person do that? Or why did I do that? Why can't I be here? Why don't I feel happy here? What do I do? We're always so busy asking ourselves questions that we forget we have those people closest to our hearts with open answers. They're just waiting for their turn to speak.
And you can choose to stay in the same place and ask yourself questions...
Or you can choose to pick up your muddy feet and travel into the answers. Into the mouths of those whom love us most.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what you do, you have to move on. From anything and anyone. You just have to choose which direction you want to move.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Not much to say but a whole lot to feel
I haven't written in some time. Not in this nor my journal. And I'm not going to write much right now either.
Nothing is good right now. My family holds so much anger and resentment for me. I can't walk out of my room without feeling like there's someones hands wrapped around my neck. I don't have many friends and it feels like I'm continuously losing more and more. Even the closest ones have distanced themselves. More or less due to their own battles but I guess I'm a part of that too.
The weird thing is that usually, I'd be a mess about all of this. Crying and questioning. But recently, I think I numbed myself. Or maybe turned off my feelings. I can't feel anything but uncertainty and uncomfortable. But I feel no grief anymore. I feel no happiness nor sadness, I guess. I just don't care anymore.
And what makes it all worse is that I don't care that I don't care. It doesn't leave a feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't lose sleep over it.
I tried to die. Instead, I died trying.
And I don't care.
Nothing is good right now. My family holds so much anger and resentment for me. I can't walk out of my room without feeling like there's someones hands wrapped around my neck. I don't have many friends and it feels like I'm continuously losing more and more. Even the closest ones have distanced themselves. More or less due to their own battles but I guess I'm a part of that too.
The weird thing is that usually, I'd be a mess about all of this. Crying and questioning. But recently, I think I numbed myself. Or maybe turned off my feelings. I can't feel anything but uncertainty and uncomfortable. But I feel no grief anymore. I feel no happiness nor sadness, I guess. I just don't care anymore.
And what makes it all worse is that I don't care that I don't care. It doesn't leave a feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't lose sleep over it.
I tried to die. Instead, I died trying.
And I don't care.
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