Tonight

Tonight, it almost happened. Tonight, I controlled myself. I directed my thoughts towards cinematic entertainment instead of allowing them to manifest into something terrible.

Tonight, I didn't do what my brain told me to do. So why the fuck am do I feel so much regret? What the hell is wrong with me?

It's as though there's this constant trail of regret wherever I go. I understand people believe that we don't control our fate and everything happens for a reason. And a part of me agrees. But the other part of me wants to be happy and I'm starting to think I never will be if I stay where I am. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

What the fuck am I doing?

Missing

Who knew I'd miss my family as much as I do. I miss my mother's sarcasm and waking up to the sound of children yelling while their mother, my sister, tells them to sit down, be quiet, and eat their breakfast. I miss being woken up and hating it (but secretly adoring it). I miss the smell of a well cleaned home and the smell of it being dirty five minutes later. My nostalgia runs deep and I believe the father with the ridiculously cute daughter behind me is to blame. His parenting makes me crave what I, regrettably, took for granted. A mother that I thought cared too much when, realistically, could not have cared more if she tried. A sister that would expose said love and care by picking on my mistakes. Or so I thought.

Kirra picking on my faults and moments of weakness was her way of saying "Goddamnit, why dont you see that you deserve more than you believe you do". I didnt see that. Honestly, I couldn't. I saw what I wanted to see. I was stuck dreaming and believing that maybe, life would work out like a fairytale. That maybe if I wished hard enough, I'd get whatever ending that I thought I wanted - though I'm not sure what that was.

My mother is the closest thing to perfect. Were it possible to achieve, she'd be the epitome. Her smiles and laughter and shoulder as she cries with you during what you think is the worst thing possible, I took that for granted too. I took a lot of things for granted. I guess that's why I dont fight it anymore. I dont see the point.

What's the point in fighting feelings of love and admiration? I love my family. I feel out of place here but i know if I went back, I'd take it for granted all over again. There would be no understanding or growth, just back pedaling. I dont want to do that. I want to live and dwell in a place that my niece and nephew can learn and appreciate and stop and take a breath to see how great life is/can be.

I lack a family here in Maryland and it hurts so fucking much some days. As I type this, I hear a family singing 'happy birthday' to their loved ones. And as much as it hurts, I guess its kind of welcome. I guess it makes me appreciate what I still have. I guess I love them more and more each day than I ever thought a person was capable of doing.

Fuck

I'm just tired of being bad at the things I try really hard to be good at.

I could list them, they're fresh in my memory as most are recent...but I'm not going to do that.

"My thoughts are stars that I cannot fathom into contellations."

I haven't written much this year, even though I've had plenty to write about. I've had many things to say but wasn't exactly sure how to say them so I let them pass. I feel like I let a lot of things pass. Good, bad, the great, the terrible. That's okay. This isn't meant to be some deep bullshit article that opens the dialogue into my newer soul. Instead, here's just a few things that have happened over the past few months. It will go up, it will go down, it will.

Well, Phil passed, like I stated in my previous entry. Glen passed away about 3 weeks later. He suffered. He did not die with pride or peace. Regardless, the pain stopped. I came home for the memorial and my family seemed empty. He and I lacked a great history but his presence was known and oddly welcome. Once it was gone, so was a space kept. My mother has been getting better and better since then but she's still not 100%. About a month later, a coworker I had grown very close to, whom of which kind of became my father figure, passed away from cancer. That hurt like hell but his pain was gone too.

That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.

Bad things come in three's and I accepted it. Now, good things are happening. I'm getting a raise at my day job and I started my second job. Now, the second job may not be lasting long. I found another one that is closer to home and with much less drama. I also don't have to pay for parking and that's a plus.

See, I've gone through the great times and the worst times this year. I went through pain I had forgotten I'd felt. But I'm so damn grateful for having those moments. I'm so happy I've felt the pain of death and heartbreak. And I'm so proud to have met the people that caused it.

I'm getting older now and I'm starting to realize things I never even thought about. The many times I thought I was right but I was wrong. All the past reactions I had compared the way I react now. The person I was when I was younger is so very different from me now but I love it. I love the person I was then. I love the person I am now. The past is always good at making the present and the present will make the future. It's exciting.

I miss my past as much as I know I'll miss this moment some day. I'll miss the moment that I'm currently enduring; sitting on the couch watching The Fault In Our Stars with tears rolling down my cheeks because this movie is so fucking sad in the most beautiful way.

I'm lucky because I have things and people and moments to miss. I look forward to missing even more.

And if by chance you're reading this, yes the common you, I want you to know that I understand. I understand so well what happened all those years ago and why you did what you did, along with how you did it. Just thought you should know that I understand. And thanks, by the way. Seriously.

Well, this is all I got right now. Aside from school and work, there's not much going on right now. Laura and I are saving up to go to Europe either next year or the year after. After I'm done getting my bachelors and she her masters, we plan on moving to New York together. We'd like to live there for a few years and then perhaps move to Europe and start a life there. I'm not sure if this will go exactly as planned but it's a beautiful and wonderful plan.

See ya.
-Kels

The World Stops For No One

It was unexpected and familiar. A feeling in my gut that I couldn't place even though it had once been felt before. Then the call came. Today I found out that my uncle Phil died on Saturday. According to his girlfriend, he fell in the tub. I'm not sure how true that is but I suppose it doesn't really matter. A man I loved is gone. Another one. Glen is dying too. In just a week he went from being talkative and joking around, to being confused and unable to speak. He's still here though.

And I'm in Maryland. Stuck. Waiting for the call to come that Glen is gone too and it's time for me to come home. My family is falling apart and my mother has slipped into a deep depression. And there's nothing I can do about any of it.

But holy shit does it hurt.

Pestilence

That's all I feel like I am to her. Sometimes, that all I feel like she is to me. Poison. But then, it changes. Suddenly, you're the remedy and I'm the antidote. We become healers and the room lights up with laughter. Then, it fades. It goes back to that looming darkness full of unnecessary resentment. Then, I take a look around and it's not only her. It's them. The people in the streets that laugh at my jokes and call me their friends. They've now become the enemy. If not the enemy, than a bully. A person to look down upon you with such disdain and arrogance. There's one. A bit older with charm and elegance but is swift with manipulation and power. Her ability to control the power and will of a diligent human being. The snark remarks bite into the skin of this friend. The friend that will tell you like it is. The 'is' that taunts and damages and releases the reality of which you do not wish to see.

Why is it that reality has such an ugly mark? The reality is that not everything is as it seems, and what seems is not. They gather truths of the people around you, trying to bring sense into your life and moments; those people we have pushed away. We push away what 'is'. Instead, we focus on what isn't. We focus on what we don't have and the places we won't go. The moment's we should have done this but did that. Memories of my past haunt me like a plague, some nights. They terrorize my closed eyes with moments that will never be repeated, with people that will never be who they once were. Those friends that are now foes and those foes that are now no one.

Is that all we become? This shattering memory of a passer by with a once pleasant word? Well, I am not a novel. I don't want to be a part of those moments that are written down and remembered. I want to be a part of the now. The present time that holds you by your throat and makes your stomach turn. The present time that makes you feel like your heart may fly away with the sound of it's own fluttering. We as the people of persons deserve to be the light that help those dark nights, the opening shelter to those setting themselves free from their own prisons. But here we are. Cell mates. And I too feel the rage. I too feel the burning and pain in my chest when someone I love, someone I have helped multiple times, says "She's fine".

And this may sound selfish and petulant, but I am tired of being the one who's "fine" all the time whilst everyone else is breaking down. I am sick of being the wall that everyone leans on. The shoulder, yes. I will support the padding and nurture you need. But I am tired of feeling unimportant and used.

I'm just tired.

Warped Dreams

This entry isn't going to make much sense so if that's what you're looking for, leave now. Instead, I'm going to express the dream/s I had last night. Why? Because I'm pretty sure I'm taking acid in my sleep. If not, I'm insane.

I was at your house. Yes, the typical you. Actually, I was at your grandmothers house. I was fixing the tiles in the bathroom. I think I was an interior designer which is so far from the fucking truth. I am not one for decorating. And when I do, well, it looks like shit. C'est la vie! However this wasn't in Florida. This was somewhere up here, up north, up somewhere. I realized I had forgotten some tools so I left and had to swim back to my house. …Yes. Swim. In open water. So I swam back to my apartment, grabbed my things, and went back to your grandmothers house. But now I was in the guest bathroom instead of her own personal bathroom. You came out of your room and said "Hey! It's been a long time, how's Maryland!?" We caught up and had various discussions about my life and your life and how fantastic things worked out. We were both really happy. It was pretty nice.

For the record, there were no romantic feelings. It was like a deep friendship, the kind you see in movies. After placing some tiles down, I realized I had to go back to my house again. I don't know why, but I did. You wanted to come so you could see where I live. The swim wasn't long. Maybe 10 minutes? We jumped in the water together, you were terrified. It was dark, you couldn't see the bottom of the water, and the unlikely shark/orca could be nearby. Yes. Orca. This dream was specific. So, oddly enough, as soon as you started to swim, low and behold-there was an orca. It left quickly though.

In my dream, my house was never shown. We would just swim and then I'd somehow have my things. Then, we'd go back to your grandmothers so I could finish my job.

And that was it. We talked while I worked, said how nice it was to catch up, and went about our lives.

I don't know what any of it means, if it means anything at all. The bathroom re-decoration I believe stems from my obsession with HGTV. The ocean is fear. I'd say you're familiarity but that doesn't apply since we don't know each other anymore. It doesn't really matter. It was just strange as I haven't thought about you in quite some time so I was a bit baffled.

However, I do hope you're well. I heard about texas and upcoming adventures with Liz. That's great and I really hope you all achieve your desires.

Aside from my dream, this week is going to be a roller coaster. Tuesday, I have an interview with the president of a high-end company that may result in me making a significant amount more than I do currently and being happy. Wednesday, my DM and vice president of the company I currently work at is coming in. Aye. Hopefully I'll be told on tuesday whether or not I got the position so I can tell my DM that I'm gone in 2 weeks and to go shove it for wasting my time. Obviously, I won't actually say any of that, but I will think it quite strongly. Read my mind, fucker!

It will be a bit sad to leave my chef manager and co-worker. They're real stand up guys and not a day goes by that we're not laughing…but…I hate my job. I hate the people that we have to associate with. And I hate the pay. This position I'm currently interviewing for is kind of a dream come true. If I were accepted, I could move up with a prestigious company and do great things.

2014 has been hard so far but also gratifying.

2 more weeks until vacation with the GF to Annapolis, then planning a trip to Maine and Chicago in the summer. Dear baby jebus, please let everything run smoooooth.

Nap time!

Vague Inspirational Title

Happy New Year! I think this may have been the longest I've gone without writing. I hope all is well with everyone so far. We're 11 days in and it's already been slightly eventful. I don't know about you, but 2013 was one hell of a year. Worth it, though. Today it's rainy and cold in Parkville, MD. Ludo is passed out, Metric is playing in the background, Laura is at the salon, so what better a time to write than now?

So let's go.

For Christmas, I was in South Florida. Before I really say anything about that, let me just stress that a 17 hour drive, by yourself, is not healthy. I was starting to imagine myself singing on broadway, then writing a broadway play, then being in a band in some bar. It was messy and delusional. Weirdly fun though. Back to the story. When I got to South Florida, I didn't expect to feel what I felt. Initially, I thought I would fill up with happiness and excitement. Instead, I felt nothing but dread. I already missed my apartment, my friends, my girlfriend, everything. I missed my family, of course, and the few friends I have but other than that, I didn't miss the sights. I didn't miss the beach. I didn't miss the bars. I didn't miss the familiar but distant faces. I didn't miss my home. That's such a sad thing to say, isn't it? People would usually miss their old stomping grounds, right? I guess it's because I have nowhere to call my own there anymore. Baltimore is my home now. 100%. I love it up here.

The sights, the history, the bars, the people, the shitty drivers, the crazy highways, everything. There's so much diversity! Being only 3 hours from NYC also has it's perks. Since moving here, I've been to NYC 3 times already(I plan on going much, much more!). DC is still one of my favorite places. I enjoy the memories I've made there over the years. From 2010-present, there's so many things I've done and still need to do in that big, beautiful city. I'm dying to go back to the Zoo! In Baltimore itself, the city, my favorite place is called Fells Point. It's right on the harbor, the bars range from frat filled to PRL-like. I love it. It also has the best coffee joint I've ever been to. It's called The Daily Grind. Yum!

I also got a new car. It's a 2013 Hyundai Elantra. My Honda Fit decided her time was up, stopped accelerating, and started to fill up with smoke when I was "driving" her. She did her best and lived a very eventful life. Haha. My new car is more accommodating though in regards to the weather here. The front and back window defroster is great when it comes to those icy days, along with the traction control, I think it was a wise decision. However, I hate having another bill to pay. New car insurance(more expensive!!) and the car payment, ugh. Color me crazy! It was necessary though. This one should last me a while.

My apartment is very cute. I do have a roommate but she's never here. She's always at her boyfriend's house so Laura pretty much lives with me now haha. Unless she's at her own apartment. We're starting to look for places together and plan on moving in with one another in August if everything goes according to plan. So far, so good. We definitely have our ups and downs. We're already two girls dealing with an over-abundance of estrogen but we're also both gemini's!(Ahh!). It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but our one year is coming up February 16th. I'll also have lived here for a year come February 1st.

I just hope this year is a good one. I need things to make sense again. To feel good. I'm still a happy person, I'm just over the bullshit. I'm over constant hopefuls and maybes and sorrys and okays and everything else. I've grown tired. Not pessimistic, realistic. Oh fuck. It's happening isn't it? The twenty-something crisis? I've heard so many of my older friends say the same thing I just said. I just never put two-and-two together. Hm.

People are different here. They do things differently. Everyone has graduated college at the time you're supposed to, there's not many high school drop outs, it's strange. Yet, people look and point at me like I'm the guy walking around with two heads. They don't understand that where I come from, it's a different land. High School and College drop-outs aren't unusual. Working retail or restaurant isn't desperation, it's a job. It pays the bills. It gets shit done. I get shit done. I'm trying to better myself here and I'm hoping to enroll in College this semester but it may have to wait until summer. I'm just sick of being seen or known as the broke outsider.

Btw, I'm venting at this point.

I'm sick of being different. I love being unique but sometimes being different, here, isn't necessarily good. A girl walks in with snakebites, gauges, and tattoos and boom, you're labeled as trouble. Why? I know plenty of people that are successful and they look like me! But I guess people see what they want to see. People worry. I get that. But why is it so hard to worry AND take a risk? The world is much too interesting and beautiful to just surpass without even a glance.

I'm different here. I hate it…but I love it.

See ya.

Explosions in the sky

This seems to be recurring. Maybe I'm the one to blame. But I feel no shame. I've struggled endlessly where my palms met nails and my teeth met tongue. There was this strong pain in the gain but the gain never tasted the same as the pain. The adrenaline rush, the exhilaration that existed within the moments of constant waste; those were the moments of gain. To gradually build characteristics within your wrongs and know what it is to be able lose and love and lust and hurt. But at what expense is it to live a life? You spend days and minutes and months trying to figure out what you've done wrong instead of seeing what you've done right. Seemingly, it's easier for us to place blame on others than ourselves. That whole notion is arbitrary, isn't it? To try and fish out what isn't ours. We are the villains because we claim to be. We are the naysayers and disbelievers because we choose things that aren't good for us.

Then we have the audacity to ask God, or whatever deity we believe in, why these things are happening to us. They happen because secretly, we want them to happen. We want arguments that turn into screaming matches, we want our blood to boil, we want things to go badly. However, we want them for a specific time span. The time between when we're angry and when we're not. I did. I wanted my voice to be horse and venom to be set in each sentence that was spewed. So why is it now, now when I no longer want these things, do they happen more often than not?

I try to find the moment when I went from being this carefree, loving, blissfully ignorant kid to this upset and angry at the world adult? I guess angry isnt the proper terminology. Hmm. I guess to put it simply, I've become one of "them". I have become that person that looks to the sky and asks redundant questions. Seeking answers that I don't really want to find. Or maybe answers that have always been there for that I've taken for granted. There is no solution to an imaginary problem.

Well, I've grown tired of playing monopoly with myself. I've tossed the board across the room, set fire to the money and I've called it quits. My life, my pain, my exhaustion and anger and aggression is my fault and my fault alone. No one made me like I am. People can of course do certain things that tribute to the attitude but we're the ones that feed it.

So why don't we just stop being our own monsters? I'm calling it quits today. I will be thankful for what I have and don't have. I will find the excitement in the moments and the sky and the air and smokey rooms and the loud bars and the people laughing and crying and yelling and smiling and sobbing. I will take responsibility for the life I had led, the life I have now, and the life I will have later.

These are my mistakes. And I am thankful for them. And for you. For all of those that came, and went, and stayed, and said hello.

Thanks.

And cheers.

Hot damn.

Hey! It's been a while. A longgg while. Well, here I am. I'll update you as much as I can.

Well, I'm still in Maryland. I moved out of Karen and Robin's house in Dundalk and now live in Parkville. It's closer to work and in an amazing neighborhood. I'm still with Laura and we're going on 7 months now. This is also the best relationship I've ever been in. I wouldn't say the most intense, but I would say most meaningful. We communicate very well and when we don't, we try again. And we have fun together so that's great. There's ups as well as downs but so far so good. We'll see how it goes though.

My job is going well too. My manager has become like a big brother to me and helps me with whatever question or need I have. His wife is also trying to hire me for one of her virtual assistant jobs. The pay is great and I can work from wherever as long as I have a computer! What does that mean? That means Kelsey will be going to New York. Often.

As for being homesick, I wish I could say I was. I miss my niece and nephew immensely! When I went to visit, my niece ran across the house and right into my arms. Then on my last day there, she begged me to stay and even offered to give me my room back. She's the smartest 3 year old ever.

Seeing my family and friends was great too. Unfortunately, I did not like being there. I wanted to come home. My new home. My permanent home. I absolutely adore it up here. Even the bad moments turn into great ones. I love being in the middle of the east coast. DC is 45 mins away, NJ is 2 hours away, NY is 3 1/2 hours away, and philly is only an hour away. Laura and I have already gone to all 4 together. Our new thing is to see broadway shows. We just saw Phantom of the Opera and I had goosebumps the entire time.

There's still a lot of things I don't understand but the difference between then and now is that I seek answers. If one option doesn't work, I try another. And another. And another. I dont give up.

Things have worked out here. And I'm happy. I'm passionate.

I hope that you're all doing well! I doubt anyone reads this anymore but if you do, I hope you're days are full of moments that take your breath away. We all deserve it.

Cradle The Robbers

Hey blog. Remember me? It's been a while, I know. My bad. I've been pretty busy and here I am to tell you why.

Well, I moved to Maryland! I'm here now. On my bed. In the basement. That's about 1000 miles away from Hollywood. For lack of a better word, it's awesome. I feel at home here. The kids play outside with their winter coats close to their bodies, shoes get dirty, laughter and yelling fills every silence and it's wonderful. I didn't see that much back in Florida. People are too busy paying attention to what's inside of their walls instead of what's outside. People become a part of their town and agriculture here. I've seen so many faces and have learned so many names that sometimes I have to be reminded just who it is that I'm talking to. I know it doesn't go for everyone, but the people I have encountered seem to be nothing but genuine.

I also got a job! I'm working at the Aberdeen Proving Ground. It's on the military base about 30 minutes from my house. Majority of the people I see are engineers that work for the military coming up with ideas for weapons and such. I think. I could be wrong. There's also a small community of soldiers that live on the base itself. I like it there. The people are nice and my coworker and manager are good people. The pay is decent too. Once I pass my three months, they'll help pay for my education and also offer amazing health benefits. I got really lucky with this.

I won't say that everything is sunshine and rainbows. It's not. I miss my family and friends so much sometimes. I've had a few days where depression struck and I found tears falling down my face. God, I sound dramatic don't I? Well, it was a bit dramatic. It was sad. Not solely because I miss them. I can deal with being homesick. It was sad because I knew I had let go of an old life. A life that once meant the world but is now just a part of my history. The people, the places, everything. I've moved on and have created a life for myself. The ex girlfriends I'll no longer run into, the old friends I'll no longer say "hey we should get lunch!" but never actually do it.

 And it was definitely a hard transition to go from a place where you know everyone to a place where you know no one. At the same token, it's freeing. I know the mistakes I made there won't affect me here. Not like they did down there. There was so much ill will in Florida but here, people know the mistakes and love me regardless. They've heard me take blame, place blame, and even cry sporadically whilst talking about all of it. But no judgments were made. No one stood on an invisible pedestal and pointed a finger. They smiled, made funny faces, and said "We've all fucked up, Kels."

We have all fucked up.

Do you know the impact that has on people? Let me explain.

Now, this is no innocent world. Humanity is a wolf in sheeps skin. We all are at some point. Some of us, forever. That doesn't define us though. Well, it shouldn't. Sometimes we allow it to. We give it the power to eat away at our innocence and make us think we're terrible people. Thus, we actually become terrible. Instead of doing that, we should embrace the bad moments. Remember, without the bad, there would be no good. Ying & Yang!(not the rappers) I know the bad I have done. But I also recall the good. Therein lies that fact that I am human. So when someone looks at you and basically says "Hey! We're imperfect too!" it's pretty beautiful.

With that said, I'll go ahead and tell you about my girlfriend.

Her name is Laura. She's 23 years old, a teacher, and has a heart of pure gold. She's seen a few of my flaws and smiles at them. She accepts every curve, crevice, and chip. She doesn't mind that I can't accept a compliment without hiding my face or rolling my eyes. She doesn't mind my horrible morning breath or the fact that I'm sensitive. She's seen my soft side but knows that these knuckles have had their fair share of bruises and cuts. She has felt the scars and understood why they're there. She looked in my direction and saw me. Not just this foolish exterior that so many people deem dangerous or intimidating. She knows that I've messed up and knew it was just a part of my past. Not the present. That who I was and the things I've done do not make me who I am now. They helped me become the way I am, but they do not engulf me. We're not attached at the hip either. When we go out with our friends, we all socialize but we also get into our little groups. We can be at opposite sides of the room and know neither one of us have anything to worry about. Our eyes will lock, we'll smile, and go back to whatever else it was that we were doing.

We acknowledge that we still have our separate lives to worry about. We're just two worlds that are now working together. But that's the thing. We each still have our own life. The relationship doesn't consume and drown us. I've never been in something so...mature? Haha. I guess that's the easiest way to say it. She's lovely. She sits back and she understands. She's my own personal wallflower and I get to experience more and more of her everyday. Even if we don't see each other that day. Which we don't. We don't see each other every single day. She pretty much just takes me breath away and to be honest, if it's oxygen she wants, I'd give it to her.

Aside from her and work, everything else is working out. I get lonely at times because, like I said, I don't know many people. But I'll get there eventually. It's only been a month and I'm still branching out. The friends I've made are great ones. I've been wise about who I choose to come into my life here. Not everyone deserves a place. There's so much I've yet to see in this beautiful state, along with the surrounding states. Pennsylvania, NY, Jersey, Delaware, Massachusetts, Maine, Virginia, it's as though the sights and sounds will never stop.

I think I may have found my home. Maybe not Maryland, or Baltimore, but definitely within the vicinity. We'll see.

So here's a toast to you, life. You have been difficult, cruel, giving, beautiful, harsh, kind, mean, angry, forgiving, calm, compassionate. You have given me everything I've needed and I'm excited to see what else you have to offer.

Goodbye Florida. Along with most of the people I knew. I'll be back for a few days for christmas every year but other than that, I'm never coming back. So thank you for being in my life. Even if you no longer are. It was a pleasure.

Sincerely,
Kels

Simultaneously

My world is burning down
But it is also rising from the ashes.

I'm not sure who I am anymore. Whether or not I like it. Frankly, I'm not sure whether or not I like anyone else. This year was tough for various reasons. Now, I could point fingers, place blame, and intoxicate this post with bitterness but I won't do that. Not today. Instead, I accept it. The broken friendships, the broken hearts, the mistakes I've made and the things I thought about but didn't do.

Nothing ever really stays the same. Friendships, relationships, life in general. I was a shitty person and so was everyone else. But we go on without regret. Why? Because as much as we look back and hate the mistake, did the outcome really affect us negatively? Maybe. Or maybe not.

That night that I fucked around with that person in a drunken haze, I had no idea what I was doing. I woke up with a slight recollection and had to go through the foggy memories to figure out what really happened. Due to such, I hurt someone that I never meant to hurt. And at the time, I said some things I didn't mean to say. But did it kill me? No. Did the world stop, turn, and set me ablaze? No.

A few weeks later, I found out what story was told on another side and I was hurt. Not because of the fact that the person told the other. I was hurt because the person told the other a different story. One that strayed far from the truth but was considered honest and open compared to my vindictive and viral behaviour. But sometimes, word of mouth means much more than the person you knew and loved. And that's okay. I'm no saint. At one point, I tried to act like I was. I was a constant victim stuck inside a war that I was actually creating.

Regardless of truth or lie, I was there. I did what I did. I shouldn't have let it happen at all to begin with and for that, I am sorry. But I don't regret it. Not because I enjoyed it or anything like that. I'm actually disgusted with myself to this day. Instead, I believe it happened because I needed to let go. Not of one specific thing, but a vast open jar of moments and memories and yearning.

This year, and I'm referring to 2013, I'm taking a different step. My new years night, I don't plan on having a kiss. Not from a friend nor a lover. I've taken a vow of temporary celibacy. Not the kind that waits till marriage because honestly, I just don't have that in me. Sex is wonderful. Meaningless or not.

I take this vow because I don't want to be promiscuous. I don't want a strangers hands touching sacred places or hearing intimate things from me. I treasure myself now. I believe I'm worth so much more than that. I've actually been active on this vow(so I guess it's not necessarily a New Years resolution) for a few months now and I feel wonderful. Albeit, it's difficult. I'm only human and every person has their needs. Beit sexual or not. But I can't keep doing the same sporadic fuck here and there.

As good as that one moment feels, I want more than just a moment. Unfortunately, I can't find that right now. For a while, I didn't understand why. Recently, I realized I was looking for a replacement. That's a very vague way to describe it, mind you. But I was looking for someone to make my heart race the same way other people have. To make my lips quiver and my breath hitch in anticipation. That's going to happen again, but not in the same way. I don't think my hands will ever shake the same way they once did. I don't believe my skin will crawl and tingle from someone elses slight touch. The hairs on my body will lay the same way as they were born and that will be okay.

Why? Because this time, it will be a different being. A different heart. A different personality, eyes, lips, the whole lot.

Nothing and no one will compare to the person I loved so long ago. And I'm okay with that. But until someone brand new or someone very old and slightly forgotten comes walking into my life, I'll keep myself to myself. Physically and mentally. People misunderstand commitment for promises. I no longer look for any kind of guarantee or promise aside from the exclusivity of the relationship. Aside from that, life is full of surprises and I will always be ready.

So, 2012, and to anyone that was in my life this year, if I have hurt you, loved you the wrong way, yelled at you, misunderstood you, got wrongfully angry with you, placed blame and acted like my hands were porcelain and new, or all of the above/etc, I'm sorry. Hurting and tarnishing you was never my intent and I hope 2013 gives you not only what you want, but also what you need.

I'll see you next year, blog.
Kels.

Leaving The Nest

One morning I woke up and I knew. I knew something good was coming but I also knew something was changing. My life had no stability and neither were the people around me. I remember being sad even though I knew it was good. And now I know why. My move to Maryland has been finalized. Conversations of rent and placement and priorities have been endlessly discussed and there's a scent of excitement in the house. But back home, there's nothing there for me. I have maybe two people I can actually trust and the rest have separated their life from my own. Which is okay until I realize that I am blatantly forgotten.

I've tried saying things and giving hints to said people to try and repair what was broken. Sadly, what was broken was unrepairable. And finally, that's okay too. I don't need them. I thought I did, but I don't anymore. Because I'm moving on with my life and it's wonderful. I'm leaving behind my old life and starting a new one. Still as the same person but with different priorities and goals. I won't have to worry about running into anyone or stepping on anyone's toes. There won't be any "maybe one day"'s. I won't dwell on things I've done or regret anything anymore because I won't run into it. I'll be able to live my life new but also reflect on what has happened and use it to my advantage.

This entry is a bit sporadic because I'm really distracted but I guess what I'm trying to say:

It'll be nice to move on with my life, grow, and tell all of you that doubted me, fuck you. Thank you for showing me who my true friends and family are. The rest of you can go to hell and it wouldn't even phase me.

Baby steps, Giant leaps.

There's a beautiful, ugly characteristic about moving on. With anyone. Moving on can consist of leaving one life and leading into another. A life of one person, a moment, a sequence, a friendship, a love, or an entire life. And I used to think it was somewhat beautiful. I guess I still do. Any kind of movement is a choice. But the choice is only for the person committing the movement. What people fail to realize is that whatever step you make, it will effect someone else.

For example, I have stepped without thinking. My feet have sunk into potholes, leaving me with nothing but a muddy shoe and a footprint I'd rather not exist. But low and behold, I continued to mark the streets with those footprints whilst everyone else caught a glimpse of the mistakes. However, I've also dug my toes into the sand and watched the sea erase my mental canvas, thus allowing me to paint something new. Something fresh. And it was glorious.

I remember sharing my internal brush with other painters. Creating this wonderful picture of colors that interacted and danced together. Sadly, it seems as though their limbs grew tired. Those young hands that used to be so still and balanced and beautiful and interwoven slipped from each others grasp. And the wind took them away that night. Or that day. Or that hour or minute.

I speak in metaphor because it's easier to explain loss this way.

This year, I lost more than I have in a long time. I lost love. Well...I guess I lost it long ago. But I finally stopped putting up missing signs. And that was a beautiful moment of movement. There's always pain in letting go but there's also relief. The loss I'm really referring to is that of a platonic standpoint. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm really the one in the wrong with all these people.

But maybe I'm not.

Everyone develops a life of their own at some point. The need to rely and lean fades and surely, I've done this too. I'm not placing blame nor calling myself innocent in any way. Instead, I reflect on what has been lost and possibly why it went missing in the first place. People I was close to less than two months ago, I'm no longer. People whom I have been friends with for years and have lived carelessly with, I've suddenly found myself walking on eggshells around. I have to constantly remind myself not to say a certain thing, not to put a certain song on, not to bring up that one time when so and so did this and that.

I'm a human censor.

Well, anyone who knows me well is already aware that censorship and withholding doesn't stand well with me. I become impatient, angry, and extremely emotional because of it. But it was something I had to do with a best friend. Hell, I'm still doing it. And I don't think she's noticed at all. I don't think she noticed how hurt I was by her words and anger over such a miniscule situation. She stands so tall and preaches about loyalty but it feels like she may have forgotten her own.

And that's the sad part about moving on. You can be the same wonderful person for years and then one day, you wake up and you're completely different. But you don't really notice it. You don't notice it because that's who you are now. You can't witness nor feel yourself change if it's a part of you. I've heard so many people say "No one knows you better than yourself" but I think it's complete rubbish. Personally, I think we're the people who know the least. We're the kids who mistake our identity for something we'd prefer it to be. And while the people around us disintegrate, we question ourselves why.

Why did this person do that? Or why did I do that? Why can't I be here? Why don't I feel happy here? What do I do? We're always so busy asking ourselves questions that we forget we have those people closest to our hearts with open answers. They're just waiting for their turn to speak.

And you can choose to stay in the same place and ask yourself questions...
Or you can choose to pick up your muddy feet and travel into the answers. Into the mouths of those whom love us most.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what you do, you have to move on. From anything and anyone. You just have to choose which direction you want to move.

Not much to say but a whole lot to feel

I haven't written in some time. Not in this nor my journal. And I'm not going to write much right now either.

Nothing is good right now. My family holds so much anger and resentment for me. I can't walk out of my room without feeling like there's someones hands wrapped around my neck. I don't have many friends and it feels like I'm continuously losing more and more. Even the closest ones have distanced themselves. More or less due to their own battles but I guess I'm a part of that too.

The weird thing is that usually, I'd be a mess about all of this. Crying and questioning. But recently, I think I numbed myself. Or maybe turned off my feelings. I can't feel anything but uncertainty and uncomfortable. But I feel no grief anymore. I feel no happiness nor sadness, I guess. I just don't care anymore.

And what makes it all worse is that I don't care that I don't care. It doesn't leave a feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't lose sleep over it.

I tried to die. Instead, I died trying.

And I don't care.

That's cool

Another journal break time. Where do I start? Hm.

Well, Michaela and I were a total no-go. She became really shady so I put an end to it. I wasn't really bothered by doing so. That's become quite routine actually. I can't express to you how many women have gone in and out of my life these past few months. And all by my accord. It's usually the other way around. I get attached, clingy, needy, and allow my desire to consume me. Now, I'm lucky if I'm interested in someone for more than a week. It's cool though. I prefer it this way. I worry about myself and only myself. I don't have to worry about arguments or pain or anger. None of that inconsistent bullshit. Some people say I've grown too comfortable being alone. Well, excuse me, but you're talking to a Gemini. We're extremists. Most of us, anyway. Like I said in my last post, I've found my balance. Blissful, it is.

As for Jaselyn, we're still talking. I'm still unsure of anything when it comes to her. She's not shady, she's honest, and she works her ass off. So much so that it gets in the way of us hanging out. Kinda shitty but I work a lot as well. And come September 18th or so, I'll officially be a manager. It's not that difficult. It's more to remember but not too bad. So I kinda understand where she's coming from. Neither of us will have time, or rather, much of it, but we still find time to text or make a phone call. Which majority of the time is spent laughing. It doesn't matter how bad our days are, as soon as we speak, everything is okay again. We laugh off the stress and it's such a breath of fresh air.

I'm still in a rut though. I'm not in love anymore. With anyone. I have a problem even crushing on anyone. But I can't seem to open myself up. I feel like it used to be so easy and it used to come naturally. Now, I think someone might have to beat my shell open like you would lobster claws. I don't blame anyone for the way I am now. I just kind of grew up into my opposite. Perhaps my other Gemini twin? I don't know. Memories still play games with my mind here and there. They show me all the things I can't allow myself to do with someone else. Kissing, sure. Holding hands, cool. But the cuddling and long staring...yeah. Not happening.

First of all, I hate direct eye contact. I start to feel really awkward and actually get really turned off. And someone who is always texting me or calling me will turn me off 100%. I don't do that to anyone anymore. Hell, I don't even look at my phone half the time. Also, and this is something I grew out of, but what's with girls and their bullshit fantasies of a notebook romance? Okay yeah, it's cute and all that jazz but seriously? Either stop crying and writing to me or get the hell off my porch.

Mind you, Jaselyn is none of those things. Yet. And I really hope she doesn't become that way. I dig attention but stalking isn't something I'm fond of. I've done my fair share of riding peoples asses with my exes and, oh...oh. Excuse me while I puke on the person I was back then. Putrid bitch. Haha.

Living situation time.

I've been trying to save so hard but I feel like I can't get past 800$. As soon as I get a bit farther, I need gas or end up spending money on some other shit. Like cigarettes. Which I'm quitting soon. It's just too expensive. Hopefully with this promotion, I'll be able to get my own place in no time. After having a nice conversation with Terri last night, she helped me put my life into retrospect. I've been really hard on myself lately. With money, family, friends, work, etc. No one has been putting me into a dark corner except myself. A characteristic that really needs to beat it.

Sure, people put me down and shit but fuck em. I just have to work on the whole sensitivity thing. Because lezbihonest, I'm a sensitive bitch. I still cry over shitty movies. For example, Listen To Your Heart is quite possibly the cheesiest, worst movie on netflix and my god, it brings me to my knees haha.

Aside from the routine bullshit, I don't really have any complaints. My life is beautiful in the simplest ways. Guess I'm just searching for another thrill. I'll find it eventually. Maybe in school? Work? Love? The gym? Chipotle? Who knows.

I'm pretty content with the unknown since I know so little of what the future holds.

Oh! Terri and I are getting matching tats on our feet. Both of them. And it's going to take up majority of each foot. Goody. The idea is awesome and so us but fuck, I'm pretty sure my feet is the one part of me with no fat on it. Boney, vein popping things. I'm scared shitless but I'm so excited. We also decided we're going to move together. We don't know where or when, but its a mutual agreement for sometime in the future.

Anyway, my computers fan broke and it's starting to overheat so extremely that my hands are sweating. Gross bro.

Later.

Hi?

I decided to write in this tonight. It's been a while and I think my journal needs a break. I also think it's tired of having unreadable chicken scratch in it haha. Horrible, horrible hand writing.

Anyways.

A lot has happened. Nothing bad necessarily. I guess you could say it's quite the contrary. I got a job so my bank account has really been building. I save just about every penny. Unless it's time for a beer night. Sorry savings, but sometimes a beer is just essential to my day. I got a second job and then found out the next day that I'm becoming a manager at my current job. So I'll be a part time manager and a part time driver. Altogether, I'll be working about 50-60 hours a week. Nothing I'm not used to, though. In Tallahassee I'd work my ass off. I've just never been a manager before. Nor have I been offered the position so it makes me a bit nervous. I'll be okay. I want it enough. It's a bit mind boggling. I've only been there a little over a month and already they're offering me the position. I'm extremely happy. I love the people I work with. 

Especially Randy. He's my other manager and my fellow whiteboy of the store. He's my age and a total sweetie. He's kinda like a brother to me in a way until we start talking about girls. I'm fairly sure the things we speak about, normal siblings don't. I definitely got lucky with this job. It pays the bills and is allowing me to save to get my own place. I'm so excited to live on my own again. I love my family but with Kirra's pregnancy, my mom's constant need to be the membrane of the house, and Glen being a giant potato, I think I'm ready to go back to my life. Also, I really, really, really miss spending time with Emily and a beer on the couch. Poor girl hasn't been used in so long. Her, Naomi, me and Nick need to have a play date when I get my own place. (Side note: Emily is my bowl. Naomi is Nick's bong.)

We'll see what my wallet looks like once this position starts up and I can work out how much I can afford for rent and such. There's a couple people who want to room with me/I want to room with. Dami, Bri, Karytza, Priscilla, and Terri if it's affordable. All of them are amazing people that I can picture myself with. Nick wants to move out too but he just can't afford it. I'd love to live with him. For the rest of my life. Haha! 

Aside from work, nothing else has really been happening. I guess I can tell you about my whole dating situation? 

I've dated a few girls. And dismissed almost all of them. Except two. Jaselyn and Michaela. I'm starting to think I cant date girls with normal names. Shawnda, Mariska, Nikole(she spelled it with a K so she counts), Lilly, and  now these two. Except now I'm in such a rutt. I like Jaselyn for her personality. It's perfect for me in so many ways but I don't know if we'd work out as a couple. Maybe great friends, but the whole relationship thing has me on the fence. As for Michaela, I like her a lot. I think she's interesting and has a really good heart but she's damaged. Her mind is warped with this false reality and the people she surrounds herself with aren't good. At all. Oh hey! That's probably why I like her so much. I love the broken ones. 

But I know that, at some point, I'll find someone. I'm not searching. People just keep walking in and out of my life. I've grown okay with it; Comfortable. It doesn't bother me like I used to. And at least I can honestly say that every girl I've dated(except Shawnda) weren't bad girls. They all had flaws but did beautiful, amazing things for me. Maybe not all the time, and sure, they hurt me here and there. But they aren't bad people. They just weren't meant for me. I'm okay with that. Hell, I'm okay with a lot of things now. I don't regret my mistakes or accidents or pain. Why should I? I learned from it. I started to control myself after my last mishap. My drinking isn't continuously spiraling and my tolerance has actually gone down. 5 beer queer here. 

I don't know. I feel like I've changed immensely. Sometimes I miss the girl I was at 19. Happy, carefree, simple, and didn't give a fuck. But now, I do care. I do what's appropriate in certain places, I'm not obnoxious, I respect people, and when I get angry, all it takes is one long breath in and one long breath out for me to let go of the moment. People don't like my change, but I kinda do. I'm a gemini. I'm full of extremes. But I think I've finally found my balance. My tranquility. 

I don't apologize for every step I take or every word I say. I don't know how else to say it but I've finally begun to paint my own life. And so far, it's beautiful. Even with the blotches and rips in the paper.

Also, to you, yes the usual you, I hope you're doing well. I heard you hurt yourself somehow. I hope you got it fixed up. Hell, I'm not even sure if you still look at this old thing but if you do, I send you and your family all the best wishes. I'm not sure if you're dating or not, it's not really my business. Fuck, okay. Let me just sum up what I'm saying. I hope you get anything and everything you want! Endless amounts of money, popcorn, love, etc. I'm sure I'll run into you and give you a casual wave one day. Till then, old friend.

As for you, blog. I'll see you around. I'm at a loss for words, I have to pee, I'm thirsty, and I need a cigarette. Bet you 5 dollars I smoke before all the rest?

Changes

It's been a considerable amount of time since I've written in my actual blog. Like I stated before, I'm using tumblr more than anything. Though, I use it more for comedic purposes than I do for jotting things down. So I'm sorry, old friend. I didn't mean to neglect you of words and feelings. But I'm here now!

So where do I start?

I guess I'll start here.

Things at home have been okay. Some days are really good and I'm really quite happy I'm home. Other days, I regret the decision entirely and ask myself why I even bothered. I feel like I'm constantly contradicting myself when it comes to my decisions. Both past and present.

My mom is doing well but work is really starting to get to her. 

Glen is still the lazy arrogant fool but I'm doing my absolute best to ignore him.

Manny, Kirra and the baby have settled in quite nicely. We haven't gotten into any real arguments yet. Just subtle and fun nitpicks here and there. Oh, and Kirra is pregnant again! I believe she's at 2 or 3 months now but I could be wrong. I think she's almost done with the first trimester. I say this because her hormones haven't made me crazy recently. She took a gender test, the ones you get at walgreens, the other night and it said it'll be a boy. My mom is convinced otherwise but I guess we'll see when the doctor can actually tell us. I would love a nephew but another niece would be fantastic as well. I would've told you sooner, blog, but there's an old wives tale that it's bad to speak up about it before it hits the 3 month marker. I only told those close to me when I first found out. 

As for me, things have been rough but also smooth. I feel like I've been indirectly pissing people off lately but I'm just at a point in my life where I don't care. I know who matters and I know who is meant to be in my life for the long run. Though, it is hard to deal with. I'll admit that I've slipped up a couple times with old bad habits. Well, maybe they're not that old because I kept slipping up. I don't really bother with apologies anymore. To myself or to anyone else. Not because I don't feel remorse, but because I can't guarantee it's something I'll never do again. There are things I haven't repeated though. Moments that I'm not proud of but will eventually get over. I've hurt people because of some of my decisions and for that, I am sorry. But at the same time, it already happened. There's nothing I can do to take any of it back.

It's weird to me though. I used to cry and cut over such minuscule situations but now I bare it with nothing but a simple shrug of the shoulders. Jeez. Try saying that three times fast! Back to what I was saying. For example, I've become very distant with quite a few people. There's a few who I don't even talk to anymore. Mainly because I don't want to but one situation couldn't be helped. I believe everything happens for a reason. Am I'm happy about everything? No. Am I proud of the way things turned out? Not really. But regardless, it happened. And I sincerely believe it was meant to. 

I've been job hunting a lot. I finally scored an interview for today at 9:30 in the morning. It's about 2am right now so I'm hoping I don't look too dreadful when I wake up. As soon as I have a steady job and paycheck, I'll be saving up to get my own place. My own place. Not because I don't like having roommates or anything. I'd just rather worry about myself and only myself. I don't want to be stressed because someone doesn't have rent or utility money on time. 

Which leads me to my biggest change.

I've always been one to take shelter within the friendship of others. Being alone both romantically and platonic-wise was never really my strong suit. But now, I'm happier being by myself. I still like to go out and have a good time here and there, but I'm just not in the mood to tear the streets up anymore. I'd much rather stay inside and read a book or watch a movie. And as for my love life, it's actually been annoying. When I was open to the idea of dating and trying to be with someone, there was a very select few who tried to get inside. But now that I'm happy being alone, I feel like girls are just circling me as their prey. And because I don't feel like being with anyone, I have to deal with them saying "You didn't give me a chance" or "Why am I not good enough?" or "You don't know what the hell you want". Um, I definitely know what I want. And I always try to explain it to them in the nicest way I can. I want to be alone! I'm going back to school in the fall, taking 3 or 4 classes, and I'm going to graduate. After that, I plan on getting out of here. If that doesn't happen, I'd much rather just focus on myself and those I call family. 

People seem to have a problem with me being selfish. When, in reality, I'm not being selfish at all. I'm just worrying about me and only me for once. I'm not getting involved in the gossip, drama, or pity parties. I'm still there for the people who are close to me but I don't bother with others anymore. I no longer throw myself at peoples feet for attention or time of day. I'll be there if the person states that they need me, but I'm not going to sit there and pull it out of them. 

I do wish people would stop telling me certain things though. I get that people need to vent and apparently I'm a great listener, but there's just certain situations and certain people I have no need, nor want, to hear about. But I guess that's life. Dealing with things we don't want to deal with until one day, we just don't care about them anymore. What starts off as dealing becomes absolutely nothing. Because you just stop caring altogether. I would get specific but it's irrelevant and I'm not sure who reads this thing nowadays. 

That's all I feel like writing right now and its probably for the best. I have to wake up in just a few short hours and I need to make sure I'm surrounded by positive energy. Goodnight my dear blog.

Letting Go For Good

First off, I'm sorry I've neglected you blog! I've actually been using tumblr quite a bit. I guess it's time I give you an update.

Well, I'm back at home and as nice as it is to see and spend time with my family, I'm ready to be on my own again. These rules, restrictions, opinions, and ways of doing things are just overbearing. But who am I to complain. I chose this right?

Other than that, things have been pretty slow. I've been job hunting and will continue doing so tomorrow morning. Hopefully it won't be so damn hot again! I've also been talking to someone. I'm kinda crushing but she seems to be very back and forth with the games. I'm not too sure why. I made it very clear to her that if she started to do this, I'd back off entirely. And so I have. She messages me here and there and likes just about everything I post on facebook but like I said, no games. I'm too old to be dragged back and forth again.

I'm happy though! I thought moving down here would be a bit more difficult than it's been. Not with the job hunting or anything. More so with my feelings. I thought seeing and being around Nikole, or even being in the area, might make things harder on me. But to be honest, they haven't! And I'm so happy about it. I feel like, if anything, I'm just about over her. Albeit, I did hit a mirror while being drunk and seeing her with her new lover but that's not the real reason why I hit the mirror. I hit it because the person I was talking to in that mirror was telling me that me being jealous was okay. That I should keep loving her and not give up. Fuck that. So I hit it. I wish I could explain further on here. Give it more clarity as to what I mean. But you would all think I'm crazy.

As I've gotten older, things are changing. The things I see and hear and have known since I was a kid, it's becoming clearer each day. Like going from an old TV to HD. And it freaks me out. So I'm actually going to see someone a friend of mine recommended. She's gonna help me figure this all out and help me "gather my levels" whatever the hell that means. I spoke to her a bit. And she said once I have my life in order, she wants me to go somewhere else for a while. Like I said, I'd really like to give you more clarity but that requires believing. And most people don't.

Back to what I was saying before.

I know there will always be a part of me that cares. That loves. And if she were to call me with some kind of emergency, you best believe I would be there for her. Everyone deserves that person. But I wouldn't be there like I was before. And I will never ever allow someone to pull me around like that. Even if she didn't mean it, it's what happened. And I've promised myself I'd never let it happen again. And it won't. I've definitely changed. That's what I mean when I say you don't know me. You don't know the sides of me that have changed because those are sides you'll never see again. That doesn't mean we're friends or that everything is okay. It's not. And maybe it never will be. And that's okay too. I hope one day we can be friends but I'm not going to put all the effort into making it happen. It has to be equal. So until there's a day where we can hang out, just us, and go to the beach or to lunch or whatever and be JUST friends, don't expect to hear from me much. I'm done playing games. With everyone. Including you.

I'm glad you're happy though. And I hope you continue to be. Sincerely. One day, I'll find happiness when it comes to love and loyalty. Today just isn't that day. And I'm perfectly fine with that. :)

Welcome home?

I don't think the feeling of actually being back has set in yet. I feel like I'm just visiting. Like I'm gonna leave soon and go back to work and a lonely city. But not this time. It's bittersweet, really. I miss my house up there. my room, my living room. I miss living on my own. It's been two days and I miss it already. Ha! I wonder how I'll feel in a month!

It's nice seeing my mom, though. It's also fun to annoy her again. I get bored so I decide to bother her. What else is there to do!? Haha. But I know she secretly loves it. It's a feat she misses when it's not so accessible. So far, I've seen Terri and Amanda. It was nice to see both considering I love them so much. But after not seeing Amanda for 5 months, our reunion was long overdue. I feel like she got taller. Or maybe I got shorter. But I feel a definite height difference.

Anyway.

She's grown so much! I know I'm only a year older, but we've always been on a different level of life experiences. Spain treated her very well and so did all the other countries she visited. And she's 21 now! Finally! My booboo is all grown up. I'll be taking her out this week for drinks in various bars. I'm excited!! And cuddle time will definitely happen on more than one occasion. It's fascinating to think I've known her for so long. 16/17 years. That's mind blowing. And I absolutely love it.

After she left, I immediately went to go see Terri.

I don't know what it is with us, but whenever we see each other, all the problems suddenly go away. And when we start to bitch, we don't hesitate to tell each other to shut the fuck up, this is how it is, this is how it's gonna be, let it go. Haha. She fed me pizza and beer. Not exactly healthy but considering the circumstances, I wasn't going to deny such wonderful hospitality. We sat outside for quite some time smoking cigarettes and talking shit about everything. It was nice. I didn't realize just how much I needed to hear her speak to me about certain things. But I did. Even if I didn't like some of it, it make me feel good and alive again.

My first day back and it was breathtaking. I know things are going to be hard for a bit now but I'm looking forward to working my ass off towards the things I want.