Something I found that I wrote a couple months ago

Voices, oh voices.
Send me new noises.
Bring me a language I can understand.
Write me a letter I can comprehend.

Open up and shed some light
Within this dark seclusion, I've lost my sight.
Give me hope. Give me dreams.
Tell me it's not as bad as it seems.

These feelings are new and fresh.
But they're not for the best.
Cut the anchor off of this ship.
Lift the misery off of my lips.

And if it should stay, give me the strength,
To shorten it's path, to shorten it's length.
But now I'm lost, confused and abused.
And so I'm unsure of which voice to choose.

a little nothing

Tell me you'll leave tonight
Go on, get up, get out of my sight
Wait, no, nevermind. Stop and stare.
Pull me by my collar, tug on my hair.

Do you find it easy to say
That everythings alright, that you're okay?
I can hear the voices inside your head
Screaming out words that are left unsaid

Do you complain to the night sky?
Do you ever stop and try?
Maybe tonight you will
Maybe tonight you'll break and spill

Open the latch, twist the key
When you look back, you won't see me.
I'll be your shoulder or your voice
But I will not be the shadow you make by choice.

When things go wrong, they end up right.
I've had my eyes closed but I didn't lose sight.
So here I am, letting go.
I'll be around if you decide to show.

Funny, funny, oh funny days.
How an open heart can change your ways.
Nothing new, nothing old.
Held by glue, covered in mold.

Inspiration should be a synonym for motivation

Today I worked on my audition video. That's right. I'm auditioning for Project Glee season 2. They're holding in-person auditions in NY and Chicago and Nashville. But I'm stuck in Florida. So, they're also doing online auditions. And guess who signed up? :)

It's something I'm terrified to do. I'm opening up and letting down every wall but I'm doing it to fulfill my dream. I'm also actually going to try and get to NY in November for the auditions. It'll give me better chances and the flight to and from is only 50$. I just have to find a place to stay. Which, I think I'll be just fine when it comes down to it.

A lot has changed in my life....and I allowed it to upset me. So I figure instead of sitting here and watching it change into things I dislike, I might as well change it the way I want it to be. So once I get a job, I'll be saving for NY and my European citizenship. Next summer/spring/fall I want to study abroad. Or maybe just live in Ireland with my family. I want to live, is more my point.

Life is too short to take things for granted but it's also too long to sit and wait for things to come to you. I'm ready to make my own life, my own future, and go after everything I've ever wanted. I've been working out some as well. And I think if I reach the weight I need to be, I'll join the military and be a medical nurse. Why not? The more, the merrier! And Lord knows the war needs nurses.

I'm done dragging myself behind people. It's time I grow up and start doing what I want to do. Regardless of what people think and feel. It's my life. I'll live it the way I see fit. And no one will drag me down. People are welcome to join and be a part of my life, but holding my hand and tugging on it are 2 different things. I will not drown just because the waves are high. I will simply swim harder than I've ever swam before. And I will conquer. I have nothing to lose but such an amazing amount to gain.

Watch me.

Unfulfilled

Today was pretty uneventful. School, lunch, school. The usual. I'm trying to make friends within my classes but people seem to be disregarding my existence. Which is weird. I'm usually that person who makes friends like it's breathing. But not here. I feel like so alone here. I have Amanda, yes. And I've met people through her but they don't call me to hang out or do anything. Amanda just kind of brings me along. It's not like they don't want me around. I know that's not it. I just feel like I'm dead weight. I don't fit in.

For once, I feel completely 100% out of place. And I've never been more depressed. For once, I want to go home. Not to my house, just to my city. As much as I hate the city, I feel like I have so much there. And lets face it, Tallahassee is just too...woodsy. I need a bit of both. City and lots of green. I also miss my friends. My vast group of friends. I miss Terri, and Liz, and Nikole(I know it's complicated!) and Matt, and Maria, and Simone, and Amanda, and Diann and just everyone!

But today, I drove a bit out of the way. To clear my head, really. And if it's one thing I miss most that god granted me with, it's when me, terri, liz and nikole all used to hang out. In one big group full of silly moments and joyful laughter. And then those other moments would rise. The serious, deep times when someone had something on their mind and we'd all talk to each other. I know people change. Things change. I get it. But these are people I never want to lose. Not to break ups or moments of temporary insanity. These people are my family. All of them are.

I don't want to be the black sheep. Which is why I will push to get over this break up and be Nikole's friend. Because she grew to be family to me. Terri is still someone I see as a sister. And though I fucked her over pretty badly, I hope one day she'll fully forgive me. She's worth it and so I will fight for this friendship. And as for Liz, I've watched her grow into such a great person. I know we weren't always close but I feel like we have gotten closer recently. She is also family. We are a family. A family full of fuck ups and mistakes and heartbreak and anger...but we're also such a beautiful melting pot of laughter and smiles and tears.

No matter what happens in life or where I go/am, I never want to lose these people. I've lost enough people in my life and I don't want to lose any more. I'm not giving up. Not when it comes to us.

Suppose

I suppose you're right. I'm not ready for anything. Be it a friendship, a relationship, or...well i think that's it haha. Do I hurt? Of course. I have the occasional "Oh fuck, sad song, WAHHHHHHH" moment. But I'm not as bad as I was over the summer. I'm sleeping, eating, laughing, and genuinely smiling. So if you've felt any worry, please don't. I'm doing just fine aside from the girly moments I have. I guess pushing myself to be your friend is more so I don't lose you completely. Like I said when I texted you, I'm not trying to get you back. I believe that you fight for who you love but 2 people can only do so much.

And your heart just isn't in it anymore. I don't hate you. At all. I'm not even mad. I can't blame you for anything. And to be honest, I didn't break up with you because I couldn't handle the waiting game. I broke up with you because I couldn't handle making someone hold on to me. If there is any piece of me that hasn't changed, it's the fact that I want the absolute best for you. With or without me. And right now, and possibly forever, it will be without me. Well..until we're able to be friends. Because one day, I would very much like that.

As for the name calling, to be truthful, it wasn't towards anyone direct actually. It was just a way to make me feel better about my bitterness I guess. To blame someone else. Like I have been doing very well for the past year. But if it's something that has changed within the past week, it's knowing I have a problem owning up to my own shit. I always come up with an excuse or something instead of blatantly saying "yeahhhh i fucked up. sorry."

I'm also trying to gain my willpower back. Instead of going to someones house, I go to star bucks alone and do my homework or just bullshit on facebook. It is refreshing, I must say.

But I do miss you. But this time, it's different. The way I used to miss you was missing your lips and the sex and the moments we'd just look at each other...but now I miss you in a way a friend would miss a friend. I miss our long tangents about the same crap we always complain about. I miss venting to someone who knew me on EVERY level.

I think that's why its so hard when you go away. Because you're not like any other ex. The one that did actually mean something, well, there was quite a language barrier and culture shock so there was only so much we could understand. So I do miss you. Platonically, for once. The only intimate thing I miss about you is the way we cuddled. And that's because I felt safe. Maybe when we're ready, we could do that and have it mean nothing. Or, we'll never do it again but what a fine memory it will be.

So, I don't hate you. Or dislike you. The bitterness is more for myself. And like I said, I have a "thing" with blaming other people for my bullshit. Which, I'm officially in therapy btw. I wanted to call you the other day and tell you all about it and what my mom thinks. It's a long story. I just don't want to live a life without you in it. You've made one hell of an imprint in my life. You're just one of those people. I don't know if you'll read this or not. When I write my blogs, I write them as though you're sitting next to me and I'm able to say how I feel...but I never actually know if you're reading them or not. So when I write, I do write for myself.

But this, communicating like this I can handle. I hadn't been looked at your blog until yesterday and as much as it made me cry, it felt nice. Because when I write, its the truth or it has some deeper meaning. So reading what you wrote to me hurt...but the blunt honesty was needed. As for still carrying a possibility of being together, I do that about everything. There's always a possibility. It's not me carrying hope. It's just me expressing that life can go either way. I could even wind up with mariska again...well...no. no I won't. hahaha. But with you and I it's a bit different.

Just felt like I should explain myself a bit.

My old friend

Dearest Blog,

My old friend. My earth-friendly pal. I'm sorry I've neglected you of everything but sad and distraught emotions. I've not shared my journeys or adventures with you in quite a while. I've not brought color to your HTML and we definitely have not discussed the world which just so happens to be bright and glass-half-full like. So, here it goes.

Today, sunday September 26th 2011 I did just about nothing. I laid in bed until 11 this morning, took my morning piddle, and made my way to the door to leave my room...and then I turned around and laid back down. And there I laid until pins and needles made its way up my toes, into my ankles, and up to my knees. There was no discomfort though. It was like my legs were coming to life for the first time and the feeling was very much welcome.

Once I finally decided to stop acting like a lazy schmuck, I found myself trying to recall the night before. And sure enough, I remembered everything. Except where my car keys were. I didn't drive, but somehow I misplaced my keys. How that came about I have no clue. So I finally got dressed and pretty...and went to therapy hahaha. I was so nervous because it's been so long since I've opened up to someone I didn't know at all. My oh my, it was refreshing! She's a nice lady and though she told me a few maybes as to what my problem could be, she said it with empathy and sincerity in her voice. She held no malicious cell in her body. And it was gratifying.

The only problem, my friend, was that after I left I realized I was wrong at more times than I was right. I wasn't healthy. I'm not healthy. I have a lot of self work that needs to be done. Alone. And though I do miss her, blog. I truly do. I do believe that this happened for a significant reason. You and I both know that it hurts. But my heart still belongs to her. She still holds it's quite dearly. And when I'm ready, I'll retrieve it. If not, I'll try to achieve hers. But that will take time and right now I need to worry about myself.

Well, I could tell you more my friend, but I'm falling asleep on the mouse pad.

Farewell.

Apologies

I guess I owe an apology. Not for how I felt at the times of writing these blogs, because I can't say sorry for my feelings, but rather sitting there and making it seem as though I know everything. I don't. People change. You changed, I changed, my mother changed, the hobo on the corner who used to be the cutest kid in the world changed. It happens. And you didn't become a bad person. Not at all. You just became different. And that's something I have a problem with.

I don't take to change well. Even what used to be a cowfield that's now a building bothers me a bit. It's one of my "things" I need to work on. I'd rather call them things than problems. Because I'm not ashamed that I'm flawed. I'm just not happy with some of my "things". Haha.

But like I said, you changed. You became someone different. Someone I didn't know how to handle or try to be with. I didn't know right from wrong or left to right. I knew nothing. And so I changed. I became helpless and dependent because I felt like there was no other way to please you. And when I was independent, I felt like your lack of control made you angry. So I gave in.

Regardless, the end of the relationship was no ones fault. It was a game of tug and war. And maybe it happened for a reason. Maybe it didn't. All that matters is that it did. And I'm okay with it. It hurts, of course, but I'm okay with growing more. Alone. To give myself that much needed space to break bad habits.

You taught me a lot. But I still don't think we're done. I think we're meant for each other at a later date. And I very well could be wrong. I'm wrong all the time, haha. I just don't think I'm wrong about this. But it's more so just a think. A thought. A perhaps or maybe. I don't know anything.

And I'm okay with that.

So I'm sorry for the accusations and bitterness. I'm only human so don't take what I say too personal. Except this. Because I think it's pretty damn rational haha. I hope to talk to you someday. Maybe soon. Maybe not. Maybe in a few minutes. Who knows. I just miss you. Not in any way in particular. I just miss you.

How do you do it?

How do you let go of someone after 2 years? You said you wanted to be friends. You haven't even tried to talk to me. You haven't shown me that you really want a friendship. How do you do it? I wish I could. I wish I could walk away from someone you spent almost every day with. I'm jealous of your ways. Your cold, distant ways. I'm just baffled, I guess. Baffled by the fact that such an amazing person is gone. Just gone. And if it weren't for other people, I'd think I was crazy. That I was over-thinking it all. But I'm not. And so I can sleep well at night. Knowing I'm not crazy or over-analyzing this.

But god do I miss you. Not the intimacy we held. Of course I miss your arms around me and the way you held me. But more so than anything, I miss you. I miss the way we talked to each other and would open up and bitch and complain about various things.

I miss my friend. Try to be my friend. Try to be my something. Because having you as my nothing hurts more than anything. Just. Try.

Realism

The reality of it all is:

1. You've broken my heart more times than I've broken bones.

2. You hide how you feel while I let people see the pain.

3. I could've loved you forever but you're emotionally unstable.

4. You're so good at manipulating, you manipulate yourself.

5. I lock my door at night to keep the zombies away. I now also lock my heart to keep you away.

6. You're not who you once were. You were such a sight for sore eyes and now you just make my eyes sore.

7. Once you did start to change, everyone saw it.

8. You're heart used to be open and full. Now, it's covered in dried concrete and empty. A shell.

9. I became a different person. Some parts good, some parts bad. But I still always had the same opinions and thoughts about people. You, on the other hand, when from being sunny and bright to hurricane season!

10. You still think you're you. When really, you're not. People still love you, yes. I still love you, yes. You're a best friend who I don't consider a friend. A friend I've lost. A friend who's lost herself. But you'll never admit that.

11. I have a right to write this. I have every single right to be angry and upset and hurt and emotional and bitter. Because I'm human. And I admit that. But you're like a robot now. Never shedding a tear or an emotion. Opening up to no one unless it consists of bitching or complaining.

So, where are you? I'm on the side where the grass is greener while you're climbing a dead tree. I can't wait to show you the daisies. If that day ever comes, that is. But you'll have to learn to tie your shoes again, or ride a bike, or whatever other metaphor I can come up with until you finally reach this side of the field. Till then my love, my friend, my nothing anymore.

Realistically.

If it's one thing about loss that sucks, it's when you realize what exactly you miss. And it's never the big things. It's not the ring that was given to you, or the first time you kissed, or when you first said "I love you." No. It's never those things.


It's the small things. Sometimes even the most miniscule of things!


It's those 4am "I'm bored so I miss you more than usual" texts. Those random late night requests regarding how thirsty you are and they would pour exactly what you like. The moments when your legs would touch and you'd realize "Hey! We need to shave!" but it would be dismissed anyway. Some people look at the bigger pictures. They take everything in by size. And I guess in some cases, that matters. But if you're anything like me(well, the recent me) you look at the smaller pictures. The little pictures colored in crayon that look like a 5 year old did it. The kind of moments you wish you could put a pair of glasses on your brain so you can see and remember them better.


I miss those pictures. They hang as though they're in the worlds most prestigious gallery. Too bad it's only in your head. You walk throughout that museum in your mind and with each glimpse, you feel as though a shard of glass is entering into your chest cavity. You remember the times she gave you crap about your breath smelling bad in the morning. Which really just goes for about everyone. Except when she said it, it made you smile. When she said it, there was a way her lips and tongue moved in sync and it would somehow tickle your heart; causing you to laugh.


Or the day when you tried to make her a good dinner to come home to but you over-boiled the noodles, you put too much Italian seasoning in the sauce, not enough garlic, and too much salt into just about everything. But she ate it anyway. She ate it and she smiled and she even teared up a little. Not from the crappy recipe, but from the thought. And how about those days where she would tickle you, even though you hated it, just so she could hear your laugh. The same laugh she loved so dearly. The same laugh that would cause her face to light up as though it were Christmas.


You don't know what you have until it's gone. Until you wind up sitting on your couch with a beer in your hand and a drama on the television. And for some reason, or maybe for no reason at all, your mind just comes sweeping in with a tsunami of nostalgia.


That's when it becomes real. And it sucks. So stop being a self-absorbed ass, let go of your pride, say you're sorry and make a fucking cake if need be. Whatever the problem may be, let it all go...and just let it be. At least then if you lose it, you won't miss it. And most of all, you'll know you took nothing for granted.

If it happens to be too late to say anything at all, let it go. What you need to say doesn’t matter and will only make you look like a jackass. Or a psycho ex. If you feel some unbearable need to tell them how they made you feel, how they broke you and what you think about all of it, write an e-mail. Or a text. Or a letter. You could try making a phone call but 9 times out of 10, you’ll be directed to the voicemail. And you don’t want to be one of those people leaving a 12 minute and 32 second declaration of “I hate your guts. You’re a prick. Why do I still love you? Take me back! You suck!” on someone’s phone for them to listen to first thing in the morning. One thing you have to prepare yourself for is the worst. The one thing everyone hates. The one thing that tears and rips at our core and makes us want to throw eggs at their house and put bologna on the hood of their car.

No response. Not one word.

You’ll wait for a response, too. You’ll sit by your phone with a tub of ice cream in your hand as you cry to a new death on grey’s anatomy. Sadly, sometimes it never comes. Three days go by and you’re still hoping for them to respond with a “I love you. I’m sorry. I suck. You’re my Juliet. I’ll meet you under your window and recite Shakespeare until 4 o clock in the morning” sentiment.

But it won’t happen. Because this isn’t a book. It’s not a movie. Leonardo DiCaprio won’t kill himself for you and Ryan Gosseling won’t read the memories you’ve made together to you in a nursing home.

This is reality. And it sucks. But life goes on. And everything becomes okay again. It just takes time. And beer. Lots of beer.

Chasing Silhouettes

I'm not giving up. I could never give up. But I need to let go. Maybe not forever, but for now. And then possibly forever. Because I need to grow. And you need to grow. You also need to come back. Everyone misses you. The bright, bubbly, outgoing you. The you that makes my heart beat twice the speed it should. The same you that makes my lips quiver in anticipation as you enter my personal space. The same you that sees the silver lining in everything.

God I miss you. And dear, I love you more than I thought possible to love someone.

Come back, Nikole. The real Nikole. Unless that part of you no longer exists..

Rock, Paper, Scissors, Snap.

You say you won't come back this time. And I actually believe you. But I can't help but hope you're wrong. That you'll wake up and there will be some shooting fruition that goes from your ankles to your eyes. That will make your whole body tingle with faith, and want, and some sort of need. For me. For us. For all that we worked so hard for.

I tried. Everyday, I tried. And I never stopped loving. I doubted. And I hurt. And I cried and screamed and shoved myself into silence...but I tried. And though I'm tired...a part of me still wants to try.

..but how can I try for someone who isn't there anymore? I'm willing to try to see the girl I fell in love with. To the girl I know is still around. Somewhere inside who isn't willing to show herself right now. Not at this second.

That's who I want. And that's the pull towards you that I still feel...but I'm cutting that thread. That pull. If you ever want me again, like you have so many times before, you know where I'll be and how to reach me. You'll find a way. But I won't wait for that day. I'll live. And see where it takes me...

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ or ‘how very perceptive’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love. ” ~ The character “Rose Walker” in The Sandman #65

Chaos

Let me introduce you to my current state of mind through music. I don't know why you do these things. And I'm not sure I ever will. But I'd like to stick around and try. Though I'm unsure if I'm able to handle it.

So

ehhhhhhhhhhhh fuck it.