Suppose

I suppose you're right. I'm not ready for anything. Be it a friendship, a relationship, or...well i think that's it haha. Do I hurt? Of course. I have the occasional "Oh fuck, sad song, WAHHHHHHH" moment. But I'm not as bad as I was over the summer. I'm sleeping, eating, laughing, and genuinely smiling. So if you've felt any worry, please don't. I'm doing just fine aside from the girly moments I have. I guess pushing myself to be your friend is more so I don't lose you completely. Like I said when I texted you, I'm not trying to get you back. I believe that you fight for who you love but 2 people can only do so much.

And your heart just isn't in it anymore. I don't hate you. At all. I'm not even mad. I can't blame you for anything. And to be honest, I didn't break up with you because I couldn't handle the waiting game. I broke up with you because I couldn't handle making someone hold on to me. If there is any piece of me that hasn't changed, it's the fact that I want the absolute best for you. With or without me. And right now, and possibly forever, it will be without me. Well..until we're able to be friends. Because one day, I would very much like that.

As for the name calling, to be truthful, it wasn't towards anyone direct actually. It was just a way to make me feel better about my bitterness I guess. To blame someone else. Like I have been doing very well for the past year. But if it's something that has changed within the past week, it's knowing I have a problem owning up to my own shit. I always come up with an excuse or something instead of blatantly saying "yeahhhh i fucked up. sorry."

I'm also trying to gain my willpower back. Instead of going to someones house, I go to star bucks alone and do my homework or just bullshit on facebook. It is refreshing, I must say.

But I do miss you. But this time, it's different. The way I used to miss you was missing your lips and the sex and the moments we'd just look at each other...but now I miss you in a way a friend would miss a friend. I miss our long tangents about the same crap we always complain about. I miss venting to someone who knew me on EVERY level.

I think that's why its so hard when you go away. Because you're not like any other ex. The one that did actually mean something, well, there was quite a language barrier and culture shock so there was only so much we could understand. So I do miss you. Platonically, for once. The only intimate thing I miss about you is the way we cuddled. And that's because I felt safe. Maybe when we're ready, we could do that and have it mean nothing. Or, we'll never do it again but what a fine memory it will be.

So, I don't hate you. Or dislike you. The bitterness is more for myself. And like I said, I have a "thing" with blaming other people for my bullshit. Which, I'm officially in therapy btw. I wanted to call you the other day and tell you all about it and what my mom thinks. It's a long story. I just don't want to live a life without you in it. You've made one hell of an imprint in my life. You're just one of those people. I don't know if you'll read this or not. When I write my blogs, I write them as though you're sitting next to me and I'm able to say how I feel...but I never actually know if you're reading them or not. So when I write, I do write for myself.

But this, communicating like this I can handle. I hadn't been looked at your blog until yesterday and as much as it made me cry, it felt nice. Because when I write, its the truth or it has some deeper meaning. So reading what you wrote to me hurt...but the blunt honesty was needed. As for still carrying a possibility of being together, I do that about everything. There's always a possibility. It's not me carrying hope. It's just me expressing that life can go either way. I could even wind up with mariska again...well...no. no I won't. hahaha. But with you and I it's a bit different.

Just felt like I should explain myself a bit.