Unfulfilled

Today was pretty uneventful. School, lunch, school. The usual. I'm trying to make friends within my classes but people seem to be disregarding my existence. Which is weird. I'm usually that person who makes friends like it's breathing. But not here. I feel like so alone here. I have Amanda, yes. And I've met people through her but they don't call me to hang out or do anything. Amanda just kind of brings me along. It's not like they don't want me around. I know that's not it. I just feel like I'm dead weight. I don't fit in.

For once, I feel completely 100% out of place. And I've never been more depressed. For once, I want to go home. Not to my house, just to my city. As much as I hate the city, I feel like I have so much there. And lets face it, Tallahassee is just too...woodsy. I need a bit of both. City and lots of green. I also miss my friends. My vast group of friends. I miss Terri, and Liz, and Nikole(I know it's complicated!) and Matt, and Maria, and Simone, and Amanda, and Diann and just everyone!

But today, I drove a bit out of the way. To clear my head, really. And if it's one thing I miss most that god granted me with, it's when me, terri, liz and nikole all used to hang out. In one big group full of silly moments and joyful laughter. And then those other moments would rise. The serious, deep times when someone had something on their mind and we'd all talk to each other. I know people change. Things change. I get it. But these are people I never want to lose. Not to break ups or moments of temporary insanity. These people are my family. All of them are.

I don't want to be the black sheep. Which is why I will push to get over this break up and be Nikole's friend. Because she grew to be family to me. Terri is still someone I see as a sister. And though I fucked her over pretty badly, I hope one day she'll fully forgive me. She's worth it and so I will fight for this friendship. And as for Liz, I've watched her grow into such a great person. I know we weren't always close but I feel like we have gotten closer recently. She is also family. We are a family. A family full of fuck ups and mistakes and heartbreak and anger...but we're also such a beautiful melting pot of laughter and smiles and tears.

No matter what happens in life or where I go/am, I never want to lose these people. I've lost enough people in my life and I don't want to lose any more. I'm not giving up. Not when it comes to us.