Neutralize the capsize.

These pages are turning much too quickly. The written word is unable to be read with your waves of wonder. I know what it is to feel alone. To feel left out. To feel like you're unwelcome. But you have to realize these notions are all in your head. There's nothing keeping you away but yourself. You refuse to open this book of opportunities. And it's saddening. The path you're treading on has soaked into your lower limbs. Making it unbearable to walk. I can't help but see the world crumble in your eyes as you fall away from me.

My dear friend, can't you see there's more to this dark picture? Can't you open up and look at the way it was painted? I know it's not how you wanted things to turn out. You wanted someone on your side. Anyone. But life isn't made up of sides. It's a collage of moments and mixtures. Mixtures of people, of voices, of sounds, of tastes. But you've stopped stirring. You've walked away from this pot to leave it burning atop a hot stove. And my, what a fire to the place you've set. But just because the building is burning doesn't mean you have to go along with it.

Your heart is such a wide vessel. A treasure, if I may. And it still beats strongly and deeply within you. But you've done such a good job building that wall of stone around it. A castle of cold winds and damp floors. That feeling in the pit of your stomach isn't from the people around you, but rather the thoughts in your head. You've been consumed by that demon inside. The true you is now considerably caged. Chains cross your arms and locks hide your smile.

I never left you. I could never leave you. But it's not you who's been shown lately. It's something much more than that. Or maybe it's something less. Because more would mean that you've blossomed. But you haven't. Your pedals have wilted and are scattered beneath your feet. Come back. I block away every tear that tries to stray. Every feeling of anger or depression that tries to drag me down, I pull myself right back up. Unfortunately, there's no escaping this chunk missing in my chest.

One more shot. That's all I can give. Because I've given it my all. But I won't live a life built around someone elses ultimatums and insecurities. I won't even build myself around my own. I'll defeat every battle with open palms and open arms. For you, for me, for my family, for Nikole, anyone important. But I refuse to be held back by anyone.

We'll see.

Excuse My Solidarity.

I'm so sick of being everyone's advantage. Being an open mouth willing to speak, an open ear willing to listen, or open arms willing to help. I don't mind being the one to turn to once in a while but I really wish people would stop RELYING on me. Don't DEPEND on me to be there at every turn. Regardless of who you are. Friends or family.

I used to take pride in being that person to turn to. To be able to take care of so many people at once. But every time I did that, I lost myself. Like right now, I feel myself trying to slip into it's safe place. But it's not safe place at all. And it's not something I'm going to allow to happen. People, leave me be to be happy. Infact, just leave me be to be.

Maybe the PH is too high

Resistance, resistance. Control, control. Fuck. How can one sustain the ability to fight every urge that consists of an action with the person they're in love with? How can you tell when the time is right or wrong? People say "Well, it will happen when it's meant to happen." I understand completely. But what if that moment was already supposed to happen and that moment was fought against?

I'm not scared nor unprepared. To be frank(and not bill haahaa), I've never wanted anything more in my entire life. The craving when it's that time of the month, or when you're pregnant, or when you pick up a certain scent is nothing compared to this feeling. This is more like a feeling of dehydration. I've been in the desert and dreaming of a mirage for so long. Until that mirage became a reality.

The only contradiction within this prediction(because a part of me knew it would happen) is that the reality is further away than the mirage was. At least the mirage would move with me. But with each decision, the reality changes. The buildings shrink and grow, the skies go through calms and storms, and there's a constant change in the wind.

But I won't back down. These are fluctuations I'm willing to deal with because for once, I'm 100% sure about something. I have no doubt about what it is that I want. That my heart needs. My soul has been searching for. And I'm not saying I'm not going to turn out being wrong. I'm only stating that I know what I want.

That's her. I want her. All of her. For the rest of my life. I want the good, the bad, the crazy, the completely insane, everything. I want to come home every night and kiss her on the lips. To look in her eyes and ask about how her day went. I want to wake up and kiss her and then five minutes later be yelling at each other about someone not doing the dishes. Or someone not communicating. She's the biggest pain in my ass that I've ever come across...but she's also my calm. She can give and take away pain within a ten minute span.

Regardless of what people say, she's my magnet. My soul mate, I guess you could say. Is she my dream girl? No. But she's better than my dream girl. She's real. I'm able to touch, and hold, and love, and speak with her. There's so many feelings and thoughts running through my heart and my head as I write all of this down but nothing will ever be good enough. Everything I write here will be an understatement compared to what I really feel.

I like you, dear. Oh, I hate you, darling. And these are things only we understand. :) <3

Booster Seat.

Oh, little one, your expectations have grown too high.
Oh, sweet child, maybe you've lost the hope to live by.
And maybe tomorrow you'll wake feeling refreshed.
Oh and maybe tomorrow your feelings will digress.

Your components are rusted.
Stuck and busted.
Light up a match.
Break open the hatch.

And if you find yourself by the shore,
Maybe that's where you'll find your cure.
Hold your hand across your mouth.
Keep the hush, ignore the shout.

Oh, silly one, are you sure about this?
Are you willing to steal true loves last kiss?
It's a whirlpool of maybes and you sit there scared.
I pray for the best, little one, because I know you cared.

Just watch out for the scars that have been created.
They bare the worst within this book that's been illustrated.
The pages are torn and tethered but are still able to be read.
Just make sure you forget the fantasies within your head.

Your eyes are strangely familiar.

Carry me on these open wings.
Fly amongst my voice that sings.
And if tonight should end,
We both can unwind and bend.

Be the sugar on the tip of my tongue.
Be the broken song I once sung.
Follow the light within my hands.
Hold me as we dance.

Swallow the fear that's racking your brain.
Fight that everlasting strain.
Let me keep you safe for the rest of these days.
The lights may be foggy but I'll clear that haze.

I love you now until the day I die.
Oh, and I could tell you about the tears that I've cried.
But I'm stronger now. In more ways than one.
I'll be your hero. I'll be your sun.

Because when I look at you, I see the stars shine.
I overlook the loss that once became mine.
But maybe that loss is now my gain.
Damn baby, you make me sane.

I could tell you over and over again.
About the love that I carry deep within.
Hold my hips as I sway.
Allow me to carry you far, far away.



It's simple really. With a bit of complexity. But I promise the best. I can't guarantee the worst. But I can tell you that you carry my heart. Always...

Hurry and stay away

Hurry, hurry.
The roads a bit blurry.
Your words, like nails, hammer into me.
Slamming into my skin, I feel a rush.
Oh crush, crush, crush me down.

Will you hurry and stay away?
Will you scurry and stray?
I hear the voices and they say
"Look at the game. Look at you stay."

And if you were wrong, how would I know?
No, no. I'm not letting go.
Tell me to move?
Fuck it. My feet are glued.

Ever felt a rush of wind through your hair?
Well, there's my feelings right there.
I'm climbing over walls of your word
To stand and scream where I should.

Whether they say its wrong, it's right.
Whether they can see, we're out of sight.
And if they can hear, they won't listen.
But my love, your heart glistens.

I'm sticking around.
Ignoring the sound.
I'm happy with my heart in your hands.
Lets prove them wrong while they glance.



Yep.

A personal epidural

Blah. That's all I have in my head at this very second. No good nor bad thoughts are overtaking me tonight. Which, surprisingly, they haven't in a while. But something is wrong up there. In my brain, that is. I'm having a problem pin pointing it, but I can feel it. It's lurking in the crevices. But like I said, it's not good or bad. I'm not too sure what it is that I'm trying to write here. I'm tired, frustrated, and certainly upset about certain situations. But tomorrow is another day. One of which I'm hoping will be absolutely spectacular.

It's tuesday tradition night! So, of course, that means I'll be surrounded by my girls, beer, and karaoke. I need to write more. I should write more. But I'm just too tired...

Two roads diverged and I can't be on both.

People fucking amaze me. I'm sorry I can't be there for you always. Regardless of who you are. My mother, my sister, my friends, my girlfriend, whoever you are. I can be there when you really need me, and I can be there to just hang out as well. But you have to look at who I am. I'm not the usual person with only a few friends. I'm that girl who meets someone and usually ends up having one more person who I consider family. Which, friend wise, my family is a giant fucking tree.

But with every tree, eventually, a leaf will fall. Sometimes, another will grow and become even bigger and more beautiful than the one prior. But unfortunately, sometimes it just dies away. There's no coming back. And that's not something I can help nor change. I have tried. Repeatedly. I have spread the love and devotion that comes with taking care of any garden, but if my flower just won't grow and just continues to wilt, I have to give up.

Well, I'm not so sure what that means tonight. A friend. My family. A leaf amongst my beautiful branches has decided to fall away. Again. Last time, there were things both of us could have changed to make things work. To make things better. But this time....I just can't. A true friend, lover, family member, whoever, gives no such ultimatum. You see, the picture here is quite clear. But it's also debatable. Some people may see my side as correct. And some may see me as completely wrong. Whatever the view may be, it's acceptable regardless. I don't expect anyone to think exactly like I do.

I could explain the entire story here. And I very well might later on. But right now, I'm just venting. I'm simply stating that I can't allow my heart to break over this friendship any more. My best friend doesn't understand me anymore. And will not even try to. You break away. You lack that compassion you once carried. That patience. I love you. You are my sister. And I never felt the need to necessarily split my time to be with you. But at the same time, due to certain situations, it has been called for. And I'm sorry for that. But don't you see that I'm trying to help you release your pain? To not have to stare at it in the face continuously and feel completely broken again? I've told you countless times before and over again that I would take away all of it if I could. But I can't. And you keep putting yourself in such a position that it's mind boggling. You don't listen. You haven't listened for a while. You see red. Whatever your opinion is, that's all that matters. And maybe that works for some people.

But get real. Welcome to life. To reality. I apologize if the person you dated in the past is still my friend. I apologize that the person you were seeing became another blossom amongst my garden. But these are people that were brought into my life and I see as beneficial. They all have some kind of characteristic that I'm not willing to walk away from. The strings of fate led me to these people. And I just don't have the power, nor the feeling of need or want, to cut those ties. Why should I? Because it makes you unhappy. You may be my best friend and my family, but you are not my world. The only time I cut ties is when I feel it necessary. When they somehow corrupt me. But that's the thing. It's me who is my world. No one else. Not you, not Liz, not Amanda, not Nikole, no one. Only me. And I'm not asking for you to understand the way I think and do things. But to accept them, instead. If you can't do that, like so many others haven't been able to do, then maybe it's best things go this way.

I'm sorry for hurting you in any way and making you feel less than your actual worth...but I'm not sorry for my decisions. I'm happy. And I'm so sorry that you're not. But you make yourself unhappy. You make yourself think the way you do. If you wanted an actual change and you couldn't find a way to help yourself, you'd find a professional to help you. But you don't believe that you need any kind of change. So until you do, I guess I bid you a civil farewell. A few tears to a lost friendship, but I hope you someday understand what exactly it is that I'm saying.

Well isn't it ironic?

Irony. It's such an easy thing to stumble upon. But once we find it, we don't know how to approach it. Well, I've stumbled. I fell. I've gotten up. And now I'm looking at it right in the face. Even now, I still have no idea what to do with it. I have an idea. Or rather, a plan. Well...no. I'd rather call it an idea. Because a plan means you have expectations. I have none. Just a simple thought that I'm, at some point, going to share.

You see, the idea consists of things I've not been able to do before. Assertiveness, bravery, and most of all, faith. Faith not only in the situation, but also in myself. I'm confident. But I'm confident without holding any kind of hopes or expectations. For me, that's a big improvement. I've gained the ability to be able to balance everything out. Though, there's still obstacles I'm battling within myself.

They mainly consist of my inner monologue overpowering the real me. Only for a moment though. They used to be able to effect how I felt, the way I handled a certain situation, and my outlook on life. Not anymore. I'll catch myself having thoughts of doubt, anger, and depression. And my mind will automatically jump to the most morbid of thoughts. That's the main obstacle I'm trying to overcome. To have complete control that it doesn't even effect a moment unless I allow it to.

I'm not unhappy about it though. Everyone grows over time. Sometimes it takes people a bit longer than the rest. And there's a few that can reach that point quite quickly. All I know is that I'm done backing down. I'm not going to give up just because people tell me it's a bad idea. Fear is created to be conquered. But people misconstrue it as something to stop them from doing what they believe in. No matter what the outcome is, good or bad, everything in life is worth the risk.

And regardless of everything, I know she's worth the risk. She may not see me in the same light, but I can try to hand her my torch so she's able to look at me the same way. And if by chance that fire becomes extinguished, at least I know I tried to my full extent. Which I've not yet done. I know I have more power and more will then I've let out so far. Why? Because I've had doubt. And I've let that doubt control me. But I'm done with all that.

People say I shouldn't try to be with someone who doesn't even consider me as their future. But you know what? Sometimes people need that extra push; that one moment that can change things. I'm not saying it's going to happen, but I'm not saying it's NOT going to either. Everything has potential. So why not use it for all it's worth? Thank you all for your opinions and your help. I'm truly thankful for having such an amazing support system. But now, I'm supporting myself and my own decisions. You can either cheer me on, or just stay out of the way. Regardless, I'm doing what I think is right. For me, this time.

She's different from anyone or anything I've ever experienced. She's the one thing in my life that I know I want in my future. And the fact that I have that much faith in a person means so dear to me. So I'm going to fight for it.

I may not have your heart anymore, but you sure as hell still have mine. And I hope you're able to wake up and give me yours as well. Because things are different this time. And I know with every fiber of my being that we could work..

Goosebumps

The nights aren't cold or damp.
There's dew on the grass and a shattered lamp.
The glass is a bearable pain.
Compared to this potential loss within this potential gain.

Can we talk over a moment of moonlight?
A glass of wine and our beautiful insight?

I could tell you everything here,
But from my mouth is more sincere.
So one day, once I'm ready.
I'll talk slow and breathe in heavy.

Tonight, these hands are reaching out for you.

Tonight is my grandpa's birthday. I believe he would be turning 84. He lived to be 80. Cancer took him away. It devoured him piece by piece until God wrapped him in his arms and took him to a better place. But it still kills me. I watched his personality and smiles deteriorate over a two year time period. I could tell in his eyes that he wanted to leave. That he wanted to stop fighting and just go in peace. But he tried as hard as he could. For his family. For his wife. The woman who stuck by him until his very last breath.

The night he passed, we knew he waited for her. She had been at home napping and eating dinner. But as soon as she came back to stay by his side, hand in hand, he took his last breath. He loved her so dearly and her to him as well. They were the two most beautiful people you could ever imagine. My grandmother is still around. I think she turns 87 or 88 in November. But she hasn't looked the same since he left. She lacks a certain piece of her smile. And the twinkle she once had in her eyes has now faded within the oceanic color.

He was such a marvelous man. His thoughts, ideas, and theories were far greater than any philosopher. His compassion and hard-working mind was always known. People would look up to him. I did. Even as a child, I would stare at him in awe. He would talk to me about where he had been, where he'd like to go, and how I should grow. He always told me to go after what I wanted. To follow my heart and trust only myself to finish the journey.

Well, I can only hope he's proud of me. I've leaned on others in my past. Sometimes a bit too much. I was also lazy. I had no initiative to get up and do something with my day. But his legacy has definitely lived on. Instead of WWJD, it's WWGD. What would grandpa do? You were my hero. Actually, you are my hero. I remember all the moments of deep conversations we had and the look you carried upon your soft face. And though I didn't understand any of it then, I can say I understand it now.

You were never a quitter. No matter how hard or bad things got, you never walked away. Not on us, nor your wife. I know you still watch over us. I felt you tonight. When I went to the shoreline and walked across the wet sand, I felt you next to me. Walking in perfect harmony. And as soon as I stopped to talk to you, I felt you wrap your arms around me. I felt you answer the questions I had. I knew that you felt my fears. You tuned in with my pain and tried taking it away. And for that one moment, you did. You gave me my first real breath of fresh air I've not had in a while.

Tonight, out of all nights, is the one time I wish I had her next to me. To comfort me. To dry these eyes of the salt that drips upon my lips. And to love me. But that's not going to happen. Nor did it happen. I just wish she could remember what day today is. To just show up at my house or tell me to meet somewhere and be there for me. I want her in a way she just isn't allowing to be available.

We talked about all of this pop. And I know what you think. Or atleast I think I do. But that's good enough.

Thank you. You were my papa, my dad, and my best friend. All in one. You're beautiful...I love you.

Color me any shade you'd like so long as I have you in sight.

It's difficult to choose the direction of which I'd like to walk. For one side, my mind is screaming "Go. Get over it. You'll be fine and you know that." But when I look at the foot prints dented within the other path, my heart is reaching out and telling me to go that way. To go after what I want. That I have absolutely nothing to lose. People have been telling me I should have more respect. More pride. But what they don't understand is that I do have self respect.

I know, somewhere, my mind is already made up. That I'm going to try one more time. One more leap that I'll do for you. And if that doesn't work, then I'm done. I'll have to give up. Because it's something so very important and dear to me. A feat I've shared with very few people and I'm willing to throw it out there with hopes that it will reconnect our hearts. It's just very strange.

You see, I'm not looking to jump back into anything. More or less, I'd enjoy us trying to see each other exclusively. To make sure we don't jump back into old bad habits. To show you who I am now and to see the same from you. But also to be able to hold hands, to kiss and embrace. The relationship we had wasn't a bad one. It only turned into a very ugly monster towards the end. But that's both our faults. There were plenty of opportunities to change and fix that problem. Unfortunately, we didn't. You say you tried. That you tried telling me countless times. And maybe you did. But I closed myself up. I was nothing but a shell full of the darkness that you didn't deserve.

I have so much to offer you. I'm not the best and I'm not the worst. All I know is that I would like to try and be with you in a different way. To show you a side of me that you didn't get to experience. I know I know. I've said it before. But this time it's different. Because for once, it's something I'm not ready for. it's something I'm not looking for. Just like how I wasn't looking for you. I was in a relationship with someone I thought I truly loved. Someone whom treated me so very well and who loved me just as equally. If not more.

I left all of that. For you. Of course, I had other reasons upon the initial decision, but..I don't know. All I know is that I love you. And I know somewhere inside of you, you still love me. Not only as a friend, but as a lover. As someone you see a future with. Because whether we like it or not, nothing fades that quickly. Not you, nor I, nor the sun. I only wish you'd give me a chance to be able to show you the different colors of myself as the moon comes up. I love you enough to give you my all. It is not an option that I love you this much. It's more. It's that thread of fate between us that you can no longer see. But it's still there. I can feel it tugging. Don't run from something that has the potential to be something beautiful...especially when we can be happy together. One shot is all I'm asking. That's all..

Not really sure where to go from here.

I'm just writing. I'm writing because I feel like I need too. All day, my gut and mind have been screaming at me to do so. And yet, here I am, not knowing what to write. My mind is such a cluttered place lately. Every cabinet is full of scattered files. Each one revealing another memory or wish with every dream that I have. If I had the ability to dream and live out those images, I'm fairly sure I would be the happiest girl out there. Or maybe I would just be happy. Now, I'm not saying I'm sad or anything. I'm not a slug stuck in the gutter. I'm just content.

And that's the problem. Just content. I don't want to be just content. I refuse to be one of those people who held half a smile their entire life. I want to be able to look back and know that I did everything I wanted to do. And if by chance I didn't, then it wasn't important enough. But I'm so sick of living contently. I want to be happy. Completely 100% happy. I want to walk outside with a smile on my face and a greeting in my mouth. But I don't have that down here. Anywhere else I travel, I do. I carry so much positivity and love. But when I come back, I feel like I voluntarily jumped into a whirlpool of pessimism.

Regardless of how hard it is, I'm glad I'm leaving. Of course I'll miss those that are closest to my heart, but I just can't picture my life here. There's just too much baggage and bullshit. Mind you, I am not running from anything. I'm just making a change to the way I'm living. Instead of just standing here and taking all the punches, I'm hitting back. And this time, I'm fucking winning. It will be hard to say goodbye. Especially after everything that has happened in the past month and a half. But I was going to say it either way. My destination was supposed to be St. Petersburg. But now, it is Tallahassee. I don't regret either decision. And I was left to make my own. So I am.

I have good feelings about this. Of course I'm scared, but that's to be expected. And I'm not going to wait anymore. I guess that's a good thing too. By waiting, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. But fact is, my heart is the one that got broken. I'm the one who came home to absolutely nothing. And you're the one who made the decision. And that's okay. But I'm not going to try and change your mind. It's not me. That's never been me. I'm willing to fight for you if you were to give me a sign that it's what you want. But so far, I've seen no such signal.

But...my arms will always be open for you. And so if you ever decide to change your mind, come back to the place where we were the happiest. I'll be there.

This blog is a bit scattered. It doesn't make much sense to me. But fuckit. That's life, ain't it? Have a good one.

“So it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What’s it look like? If it’s with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that’s what you really wanted. But don’t you take the easy way out.” - The Notebook


Yep. That's EXACTLY how I feel. Minus the guy part. I can live without you..but I don't want to. And I will stand by you through every single storm, every single drop of rain, and every single rainbow that comes right after. I won't go anywhere. But you'd have to see that as well. You would have to want it. So call me cheesy, romantic, whatever...but while you're off trying to find yourself, I'll build myself a new home and hope that you'll knock on my front door one day.