Not really sure where to go from here.

I'm just writing. I'm writing because I feel like I need too. All day, my gut and mind have been screaming at me to do so. And yet, here I am, not knowing what to write. My mind is such a cluttered place lately. Every cabinet is full of scattered files. Each one revealing another memory or wish with every dream that I have. If I had the ability to dream and live out those images, I'm fairly sure I would be the happiest girl out there. Or maybe I would just be happy. Now, I'm not saying I'm sad or anything. I'm not a slug stuck in the gutter. I'm just content.

And that's the problem. Just content. I don't want to be just content. I refuse to be one of those people who held half a smile their entire life. I want to be able to look back and know that I did everything I wanted to do. And if by chance I didn't, then it wasn't important enough. But I'm so sick of living contently. I want to be happy. Completely 100% happy. I want to walk outside with a smile on my face and a greeting in my mouth. But I don't have that down here. Anywhere else I travel, I do. I carry so much positivity and love. But when I come back, I feel like I voluntarily jumped into a whirlpool of pessimism.

Regardless of how hard it is, I'm glad I'm leaving. Of course I'll miss those that are closest to my heart, but I just can't picture my life here. There's just too much baggage and bullshit. Mind you, I am not running from anything. I'm just making a change to the way I'm living. Instead of just standing here and taking all the punches, I'm hitting back. And this time, I'm fucking winning. It will be hard to say goodbye. Especially after everything that has happened in the past month and a half. But I was going to say it either way. My destination was supposed to be St. Petersburg. But now, it is Tallahassee. I don't regret either decision. And I was left to make my own. So I am.

I have good feelings about this. Of course I'm scared, but that's to be expected. And I'm not going to wait anymore. I guess that's a good thing too. By waiting, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. But fact is, my heart is the one that got broken. I'm the one who came home to absolutely nothing. And you're the one who made the decision. And that's okay. But I'm not going to try and change your mind. It's not me. That's never been me. I'm willing to fight for you if you were to give me a sign that it's what you want. But so far, I've seen no such signal.

But...my arms will always be open for you. And so if you ever decide to change your mind, come back to the place where we were the happiest. I'll be there.

This blog is a bit scattered. It doesn't make much sense to me. But fuckit. That's life, ain't it? Have a good one.