Tonight is my grandpa's birthday. I believe he would be turning 84. He lived to be 80. Cancer took him away. It devoured him piece by piece until God wrapped him in his arms and took him to a better place. But it still kills me. I watched his personality and smiles deteriorate over a two year time period. I could tell in his eyes that he wanted to leave. That he wanted to stop fighting and just go in peace. But he tried as hard as he could. For his family. For his wife. The woman who stuck by him until his very last breath.
The night he passed, we knew he waited for her. She had been at home napping and eating dinner. But as soon as she came back to stay by his side, hand in hand, he took his last breath. He loved her so dearly and her to him as well. They were the two most beautiful people you could ever imagine. My grandmother is still around. I think she turns 87 or 88 in November. But she hasn't looked the same since he left. She lacks a certain piece of her smile. And the twinkle she once had in her eyes has now faded within the oceanic color.
He was such a marvelous man. His thoughts, ideas, and theories were far greater than any philosopher. His compassion and hard-working mind was always known. People would look up to him. I did. Even as a child, I would stare at him in awe. He would talk to me about where he had been, where he'd like to go, and how I should grow. He always told me to go after what I wanted. To follow my heart and trust only myself to finish the journey.
Well, I can only hope he's proud of me. I've leaned on others in my past. Sometimes a bit too much. I was also lazy. I had no initiative to get up and do something with my day. But his legacy has definitely lived on. Instead of WWJD, it's WWGD. What would grandpa do? You were my hero. Actually, you are my hero. I remember all the moments of deep conversations we had and the look you carried upon your soft face. And though I didn't understand any of it then, I can say I understand it now.
You were never a quitter. No matter how hard or bad things got, you never walked away. Not on us, nor your wife. I know you still watch over us. I felt you tonight. When I went to the shoreline and walked across the wet sand, I felt you next to me. Walking in perfect harmony. And as soon as I stopped to talk to you, I felt you wrap your arms around me. I felt you answer the questions I had. I knew that you felt my fears. You tuned in with my pain and tried taking it away. And for that one moment, you did. You gave me my first real breath of fresh air I've not had in a while.
Tonight, out of all nights, is the one time I wish I had her next to me. To comfort me. To dry these eyes of the salt that drips upon my lips. And to love me. But that's not going to happen. Nor did it happen. I just wish she could remember what day today is. To just show up at my house or tell me to meet somewhere and be there for me. I want her in a way she just isn't allowing to be available.
We talked about all of this pop. And I know what you think. Or atleast I think I do. But that's good enough.
Thank you. You were my papa, my dad, and my best friend. All in one. You're beautiful...I love you.
Kels:
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what to say...
I guess I'll start by saying how wonderful of a writer you are though. Your words are truly amazing. The way you write, with all your emotion packed into every single word, is just inspiring. I enjoy reading your entries so much!
I know that we don't know each other that well, but I wish that I could've been there for you yesterday. I'm sorry that I wasn't. At the same time though, maybe it was better that you were alone? That probably sounds rude, maybe even mean of me to say. But if you were surrounded by others it would have just taken your mind off of your grandfather and he sounds like he wasn't someone you'd want to forget or distract yourself from. Not only that, but you never would have written this or had that breath of fresh air if you weren't by yourself. But as weird as it may sound, maybe it was for the better.
Anyways, I'm always here if you need me hun. For real. If you ever need someone to talk to or you need some advice or just need someone to listen to what you have to say, I'm here. Don't ever hesitate to call or text me. Ok? =)
Love you girl!