Irony. It's such an easy thing to stumble upon. But once we find it, we don't know how to approach it. Well, I've stumbled. I fell. I've gotten up. And now I'm looking at it right in the face. Even now, I still have no idea what to do with it. I have an idea. Or rather, a plan. Well...no. I'd rather call it an idea. Because a plan means you have expectations. I have none. Just a simple thought that I'm, at some point, going to share.
You see, the idea consists of things I've not been able to do before. Assertiveness, bravery, and most of all, faith. Faith not only in the situation, but also in myself. I'm confident. But I'm confident without holding any kind of hopes or expectations. For me, that's a big improvement. I've gained the ability to be able to balance everything out. Though, there's still obstacles I'm battling within myself.
They mainly consist of my inner monologue overpowering the real me. Only for a moment though. They used to be able to effect how I felt, the way I handled a certain situation, and my outlook on life. Not anymore. I'll catch myself having thoughts of doubt, anger, and depression. And my mind will automatically jump to the most morbid of thoughts. That's the main obstacle I'm trying to overcome. To have complete control that it doesn't even effect a moment unless I allow it to.
I'm not unhappy about it though. Everyone grows over time. Sometimes it takes people a bit longer than the rest. And there's a few that can reach that point quite quickly. All I know is that I'm done backing down. I'm not going to give up just because people tell me it's a bad idea. Fear is created to be conquered. But people misconstrue it as something to stop them from doing what they believe in. No matter what the outcome is, good or bad, everything in life is worth the risk.
And regardless of everything, I know she's worth the risk. She may not see me in the same light, but I can try to hand her my torch so she's able to look at me the same way. And if by chance that fire becomes extinguished, at least I know I tried to my full extent. Which I've not yet done. I know I have more power and more will then I've let out so far. Why? Because I've had doubt. And I've let that doubt control me. But I'm done with all that.
People say I shouldn't try to be with someone who doesn't even consider me as their future. But you know what? Sometimes people need that extra push; that one moment that can change things. I'm not saying it's going to happen, but I'm not saying it's NOT going to either. Everything has potential. So why not use it for all it's worth? Thank you all for your opinions and your help. I'm truly thankful for having such an amazing support system. But now, I'm supporting myself and my own decisions. You can either cheer me on, or just stay out of the way. Regardless, I'm doing what I think is right. For me, this time.
She's different from anyone or anything I've ever experienced. She's the one thing in my life that I know I want in my future. And the fact that I have that much faith in a person means so dear to me. So I'm going to fight for it.
I may not have your heart anymore, but you sure as hell still have mine. And I hope you're able to wake up and give me yours as well. Because things are different this time. And I know with every fiber of my being that we could work..
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