Blind sighted

You know you have it bad when the person has done absolutely nothing and yet, the thought of them drives you wild. Remembering. That's all it takes. Remember the feeling of their face against your hand, the way you'd swiftly move your fingers through their hair, the scent on their breath that lured you in. No matter how bad it would seem to anyone else, to you, it was addicting. I remember the way you would laugh at my stupid jokes or my lack of observance. The times when your eyes met mine and we'd know exactly what was going through our head. Those moments when we'd turn to each other and just stare at one another with devotion and love. But there's so much more than that.

I remember being wrapped in your arms and thinking to myself "I can't wait to hear this same heart beat when I'm old and senile." I also remember when we were healthy. When communication was no problem and space was a given. The days we'd spend without each other, and the night's we'd spend together discussing everything we had missed. The pictures that were taken separately and shown together. All those nights we would stay up talking about the most random, but deep, contradictions. I remember it all as though it was just yesterday.

I would give anything to go back and relive those moments. To not only relive, but to continue doing correctly. If it meant giving a limb, I'd give them all. If it meant giving up a sense, I would generously hand them all over. Call me desperate if you'd like. Pathetic, childish, needy, etc. But I am none of those things. I am independent. I am outspoken. I am everything I was before. But this time, I am more experienced. I am everything I should be at this point in my life. I am just a simple girl with a whole lot to give and who knows what she wants.

And I know that just because I want something doesn't mean I'm going to get it. I have no expectations for it to happen. I have hope. But I've learned how to carry hope without expectations. Towards the end of our relationship, I wasn't balanced. I'd lost sight of not only myself, but everything else in my life. I felt nothing but anger and depression. But it wasn't your fault. There is no blame here. You may have broken it off, but it's still not your fault. I'm so sick of people telling me how I should be angry with you or angry about the situation. Who am I to point fingers when my hands are nowhere near clean? There is no blame nor convicts here. Nor are there martyrs or saints. Just two simple people who messed up and got stuck in a whirlpool of bad habits.

But that's okay. Because it was a lesson to both of us. You may not be the relationship type. Whether it be right now or forever. And that's just fine. You'll live your life the way that makes you happy. As for me, I'm moving on. I'm living my life. I'm smiling, laughing, and enjoying every moment of it. But there's still a piece that's missing. With every smile, there's a moment of hesitation that my heart seems to throw into the mix. I'm not going to chase you and I'm not going to fight for you. As much as I love you and want to be with you, I shouldn't have to convince someone to be with me. Especially when you don't even want to be in a relationship. And like I said, that's okay. If I'm supposed to be by your side, the universe will place me there. As it will with you.

So I guess this is just a small goodbye with a possible see you later. For now you are my friend, and maybe one day again you'll be my lover. But I cannot sit by and try to be like the others. I have to live and be happy. Whether it be on my own, with you, or with someone else. Tallahassee has a lot of people, a lot of places, and a lot to offer. And so maybe I will meet someone else. Or, maybe you'll somehow end up by my side. Things in life are beyond our power. We can try to control it all we want, but either way, we end up where we belong.

I hope you get whatever it is that you're looking for. Even if you're not looking for anything right now, you will be someday. And I hope you get it.

Sincerely,
Me.

Hidden right in front of me

I've never been the most secure person. I've always felt that whatever I did was never good enough. That it could be done better. Or differently, and then better. Regardless, I don't think I've ever had a thought in my head when what I was doing was enough. But I've never been a real over achiever either. I tried my best and if it didn't work, I'd give up. I wasn't going to stress myself over something that wasn't going to completely change my life.

And I've always wondered where these thoughts came from. These insecurities about everything. My clothes, my attitude, my life, what I'm going to do with my life, my friends, the places I hang out, the things I do....Every step I take, I'm hit with a new insecurity. A new thing to worry about. There is never a time to relax. And when there is, all I can think about is what I have to do the next day. Or the next week. Or the next year. SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I know shit works how it does. There's bills and other shit to worry about. But guess what? I'm still fucking young! Let me live my goddamn life! It's not my fucking fault you had to grow up quick and get your shit together. It's yours. I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, but I'm not getting knocked up anytime soon, or addicted to drugs and alcohol, or anything else! I've been going to school and for a bit I was doing pretty well. Sure, I got a slightly off path but doesn't everyone at some point? Please do not point your fingers at me when your hands are nowhere near clean. I know you want me to be successful and happy, but I'm going to make mistakes. And it doesn't help when they're constantly rubbed in my face. If anything, it pushes me down further.

All my life, you have told me I could do anything I wanted to do. So then why is it that now that I'm older and grown, I can't do anything right? I can't go to school for theater because you don't support it. I can't go and have a beer with my friends without you worrying that I'm going to be drunk and become an alcoholic. I have constantly walked on fucking eggshells just to make sure everyone else is happy. That's why I dye my hair and get piercings and tattoos in places people can see. Because if it's one thing you can't control, it's my body.

I have tried to make you people proud many times. But when you sit there and look at me as though I'm 30 but treat me like I'm 12, of course I get bent out of shape. I love my family. I really do. But to be entirely honest with myself and anyone else who reads this, they're the reason why I'm leaving. You see, as much as Nikole hurt me, she listened. And if she didn't understand, she tried to. But you guys don't. If you don't understand, it's automatically "Okay Kelsey. You're always right and you have an excuse for everything."

Why is it that everything I say and do is  an excuse? You know how many suicide letters I have written simply stating that I would love to end the excuses. I'm not afraid of death. I honestly don't care what happens to me so long as I'm living in the present and I'm happy with the moments. Just...get the fuck out of my zone. Let me do me. Life is too short and I'm sick of living for everyone else but me.

It's pretty disheartening when you realize that your family is the main reason for your insecurities. I guess that's just how they are. And that's fine. But that's not who I am. Nor who I'm going to be. Tallahassee is where my life will be new. Fresh. And everything will once again make sense. I'm not running away from anyone or anything. I'm just trying to get myself back the only way I know how. And that's to start different..

These sound waves just keep getting louder

I've gotten rid of every other feeling except the one that just won't disappear. It leaves me breathless when it decides to speak. It tells me; no, it screams at me, that we'll be together again. That this is just a point in our lives that we both needed. For a while, I blamed myself for majority of our problems. And a part of me still does. But I can finally say that we both fucked up. There were bits and pieces scattered all around us and instead of finding a solution, we just kicked them out of our way. We screwed up. People do that. And sometimes you have to lose something to figure out just how important they are to you. You did that in December. And I came back. This time, it's me. I have to try and get you back.

But do you want it? Probably not. Does that mean you really don't want it? Who knows. Only you know. But you would have to be completely honest with yourself to figure that out. You would have to unleash every single feeling and find out which one overrules the other. I've already figured that out. I know I could live without you. I know I could find someone better. Someone who won't just up and leave because they're sick of dealing with the bullshit.

Now here's the thing. I don't want better. I don't want worse. I don't want my dream girl or anyone else. I want you. I want you and all your flaws. I want you in every single way possible. The good, the bad, the neutral. I want it all. I want you to be the very last person I kiss. The very last person I make love to. My last everything. And maybe you don't want that from me. But who's to say you never will? I'm not going to wait for you to find out. I'll do my best to show you we could be something amazing. Something incredible. But you would have to see that as well. And until you do, then I won't have an answer. I'm okay with being patient. I'm not the needy, clingy, childish person you knew. I'm a much more refined and mature person now. I love myself now. I think I'm pretty fucking awesome. But I do have flaws.

I'm not going to hold myself back from anything. If I want something, I'm fucking going for it! Why shouldn't I? I could die tomorrow and would have lived a life unfulfilled. Obviously, it wouldn't matter much because I would be dead but even in death, I'd like to look back at my life and know I did everything I believed in.

And my dear, I believe in you. I believe in us. And most importantly, I believe in myself. I know I move in August, and maybe I'm an idiot for wanting something I won't be around to embrace very often, but I could see it working. You see, if you want something that badly, you'll do anything to get it. You will find a way to move the mountains and clear the clouds.

I love you that much. I would destroy the heavens if it meant I could reach you and kiss you and tell you just how much I love you.

I'm not going anywhere. But I'm not going to chase you either. Take all the space you want. I'm fine with it. Honestly. You have my heart. And yes, I've said that line plenty of times. Not only to you but I'm sure to others as well. The only difference between you and the rest of the world is that you're the girl I want. I don't need you. But I want you. And that's a feeling that I just can't erase. I'm in love with you. Not only me, but so is every fiber of my being. You'll see. And you'll either take it as a re-opening for us or you'll still feel the way you do now. However that is. Because I really don't know. I hope you have even the slightest inkling of how I feel. But you very well might not. And that's fine.

Just keep in mind that you have someone who loves you. Who is willing to put up with each and every one of your flaws. No matter how small or how great. People can call me stupid for doing this all they want. But they don't know me the way you do. And they don't know us they way we know each other. I'm not giving up just yet. I've tried. But my heart, mind, soul, everything just will not allow it. And if everything really does happen for a reason, then maybe its how I'm supposed to feel. We'll see.

Oh, it's so funny honey.

This facade makes me laugh. To see people sit there and think they know what's up and what's going on and laugh about it. It really does make me sit there and giggle to myself about how these people think it's all good. You're such a rock up front but I know what's inside. These people have no clue. They think you're alright. But I know better. Or maybe I know worse. Either way, these fucking people are so easily manipulated by an outside attitude. I guess it doesn't matter though because you are who you show. As for me, I'll show people I'm vulnerable and weak. Because atleast I'm not wasting my time trying to be someone who isn't me. I'm fucked up but that's okay. Tomorrow's a brand new fuckin' day. And I'm still breathing just fine. I'm living the life I love that is mine.

And girl, I'd get you back if I could. But right now it's just not for us. And maybe it will never be. And I'm finally okay with that. Sure, it stings a little. But it's not killing me. Maybe one day you'll see what I see. Maybe you won't. There's quite a possibility that you'll continue seeing me for who I was instead of who I am. That's cool though. Because I know damn well who I am. And I don't need anyone's acceptance. Only my own. I got me back. Maybe not 100% just yet, but I think that's also because I've gained so much more. I have more wisdom, more cautionary value, and more intelligence this time. A lesson learned is another life earned.

You'll always be welcome next to me. I don't have to tell you that. But I'll write it down however many times I want. Until one day, I won't write it at all. And that could either be because: 1. You're my baby again. OR 2. I've moved on. Either way, I'm living my life to it's full extent and I'm happy. I'll just have to live my life with a missing piece. There's always another puzzle out there though. I'm sure something will happen to fill this void again.

You have my heart, dear. And you'll continue to have it until this feeling for you goes away. If it ever does. And if it doesn't, then I know who I belong with. If it does, then I know we're not meant to be. Time will tell. And I've grown very patient. :)

And so Kelsey speaks.

I wonder if you lay down at night and have the same thoughts or feelings? I'm curious to know what runs through your head. Or rather, if you even do think about it. I lay awake and think of us. Of me. Of who I was and who I am now. I wonder if you still have a problem falling asleep like I still do. Or if you wake up and recall your dreams being filled with me like mine are of you. 

I told you that, someday, I'd become me again. Well, I lied. I became someone better. I became not only Kelsey again. I became an adult. I've been taking responsibility for my faults. I'm able to look at myself and see someone with ambition. Someone who has a life worth living. And the biggest surprise that I stumbled upon was the fact that the life I found that was worth living was my own. And for myself. It's not for anyone else. That shocked me. 

I messed up. But one more thing I learned, amongst the many, is that ruin is beautiful. Ruin is the best time for transformation. And my, what a castle I am now. To go from being brick upon the dirty floor to have marble tile and crystal chandeliers is a stunning sight to see. 

None of this is your fault. I created my own monster. I allowed the demon inside to take over. What I became and whom I transform into is no ones fault but my own. No matter who I blamed. I was just much too blind to see it. But my eyes are now open. Of course, I have you to thank for that. You broke me. But you also gave me the chance to rebuild myself. 

And for that, I am thankful. You were brought into my life for a reason. And maybe this is it. Maybe this was supposed to happen and that's it for us. But I still think there's more. I feel as though underneath that pile of rubble that I was and that we both became, we'd be able to create something even better. 

I could be wrong. Or I could be spot on. I just hope I have the chance to find out. And maybe I will. But I won't bug you about it. You need to see this change for yourself. You know my exact feelings on all of it. And whenever you feel ready, you let me know what your final answer is. Regardless of whether I'll like it or not. I'm a big girl and quite possibly the strongest I've ever been. Just always remember, there will always be a corner in my heart for you. No matter how far or close we are from each other, I will do anything for you. 

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." 

And it's true. Regardless of where we are in our lives, be it together or not, I promise to always be your shoulder to cry on, your strength when you need it, your laugh in the time of sorrow, and your ear when you feel as though no one is listening or understands. So long as you let me, that is. 

I love you, my very own personal little foot. :)

A start to a new beginning? Or just a path diverged in a wood?

I'm not scared. Not anymore. I know what I must do. What I want to do. And for once, I'm acting on it. But I am nervous. Not because I'm afraid things won't work out. Nothing like that. I'm nervous because I'm leaving everything I know. I'm also leaving the one thing I want most. But...then again...I'm not leaving anything. I'm just going away. I'm still available. I'm still reachable. I'll just no longer be an arms length away. For me, that's weird. I can't drop everything for anyone anymore. Not once I'm gone. It's not a bad thing though. I guess it's more of a good thing. I can finally focus on myself and my life. What Kelsey needs to do.

I'm not too sure what to write here tonight. I know I feel like writing. I haven't done it in so long now. But I'm also so distracted. My mind is going a thousand miles per hour about everything. Myself, school, my mom, my sister, Lydia, Nikole, my friends, everything. And I'm not so sure how to write it all down. I literally have no clue.

I know I want to move. There's no doubts or anything. It's just weird. A month ago, I would've told you me and my girlfriend were moving to St. Petersburg. And now, I'm single and moving to Tallahassee by myself. I guess there's just so much changing so quickly that my brain doesn't know how to handle it. Let alone even approach it.

I just feel like my life is starting to make sense again. I feel so motivated to do something with myself...but...I still feel this magnetic pull towards Nikole. Like she is meant to be a significant part of my life. To be my girlfriend and one day more. I just can't shake it. I'm fine not talking to her all the time and not seeing her everyday. That doesn't bother me. But this feeling. This I-don't-know-what-the-hell-this-is kind of feeling is driving me a littttlllleee crazy. It's not stopping my life or anything but my god what is it?!?!? I'm leaving it up to fate to help me figure out what it is. I just wish I could shake it the hell off. It's weird and it's something I've never felt before.

Come on, universe. Help me out here and give me some answers. Or a sign. A symbol maybe? A brush of wind? A rock in my shoe? Something???

This blog was scattered. Like my brain! Enjoy.

It's far place...wherever I am.

This self journey I'm on seems to be everlasting. And you know what? It is. I'll continuously learn more and more about myself until my very last breath. I don't think anyone ever truly knows who they are. I think it just comes with the moments. You know who you are when it comes to your personality and standards, yes. But knowing exactly who you are and what you want out of life will always fluctuate. The only thing that's for sure is life begins when you're born and it ends when you die. But the moments in between consist only of what you've experienced.

Right now, I'm trying to find my personality again. A lot of it has come back, but there's a lot that's still missing. For example, my ability to be outgoing and truly not give a fuck what others think is still partially M.I.A. And for me, it sucks. Because I really enjoy that part of myself. Another portion that I've seemed to lose was being able to stand up to people and voice my opinion. Regardless of whether it pissed people off or not. I've always been the type to have a "don't give a fuck" attitude but also carry the "here's the shirt off my back" perspective. I've lost that.

Come back, Kelsey! I know it will happen. I'm sure of it. I just don't know how long it will take. And I need to make sure I stick around this time. I need to be positive I won't put myself in the shadows and allow myself to be a mannequin. So until that happens, you can find me on a dirt road trying to find my old tracks. The same ones that will lead me back to myself.

I must say I've made quite a bit of improvement. But I'm still not there yet. It may be a long journey, but I know everything will fall into place once I reach the end of it. Regardless of what happens, I know I'll be myself again. And I know I won't put myself on the back burner or become another silhouette that goes unnoticed. I can't wait to reach my destination. It's scary, but I'm excited to see where I end up. I have my fingers crossed for certain situations but I'll always hold my head up high either way. :)

Working on a very large puzzle always has the possibility to be gratifying.

The best relationship is when you two can act like lovers and best friends. It’s when you have more playful moments than serious moments. It’s when you can joke around, have unexpected hugs, and random kisses. It’s when you two give each other that specific stare and just smile. It’s when you’ll rather chill inside to watch movies, eat junk food, and cuddle than go out all the time. It’s when you’ll stay up all night just to settle your arguments and problems. It’s when you can completely act yourself and they can still love you for who you are.

Ya. I’m hoping we can be like that again one day. All in due time. Sometimes things have to fall apart to be pieced back together. But it takes time and self devotion in order to make that possible. As long as you focus on yourself and your happiness, your life at some point will be as well.

"Keep your feet on the ground when your head's in the clouds."

So a lot of opportunities have come forth in my life. Though, I guess I had to lose a lot in order for them to happen. I lost my girlfriend, my job, and myself. But I guess you have to hit rock bottom before you can actually climb back up. You can't stop yourself from falling if you have nothing left to hold onto. And that's okay. Because I realized I don't need to hold onto anything. I got so dependent on the people around me that I forgot how to handle things on my own. And that's where it all comes into fruition. Sometimes the only person you have is yourself. But once you lose that, you lose everything. Well my friends, I sure as hell did. But now I'm gaining a lot from it. I'm gaining back friendships I thought were lost, I'm gaining back family that I basically put on the back burner, and I'm also gaining myself back. I still don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I also have time to figure that out. And I'm sure at some point I'll realize exactly what it is.

The only thing I'm sure about is what I did wrong. And this time, I'm not saying what I did wrong to or with Nikole. I'm stating what I did wrong to myself. How I completely forgot about what Kelsey wanted and who she was. I put myself on the back burner. That's something I didn't think was possible. Not for me anyway. Only because that's something that has never happened to me. I've strayed, sure. But I've never been completely lost. I'm pretty sure that's what made this all so hard. I couldn't even fathom moving on because I didn't know how. I didn't know Kelsey anymore and how she controls bad situations. So I went a bit crazy. Desperate, even. And let me tell you, even coming from me, that's the biggest turn off ever. If you want something to be desperate, dependent, and have a constant puppy face, well...get a fuckin' puppy. Haha.

But in all seriousness, I'm happy to say I'm almost there. There's of course a lot I still have to learn about myself again, but day by day I learn and realize something new. And instead of it being sad, I'm starting to like it. I like that I can walk around or drive by myself and feel completely okay about it. I get to sing until my throat hurts, or completely embrace the silence around me. I get to be whoever and whatever I want to be when I'm alone. There are no rules or regulations. Mind you, I'm not just speaking about single. I'm just stating in general, even when I'm not around friends, there's still no judgment but my own. And I think that's the most important part of it all. If you can look yourself in the mirror and not like who you see, then there's something wrong. You need to fix whatever it is that's making you unhappy. Whether it be your makeup, your weight, or your inner thoughts. Everyone has the potential to control whatever it is that they want to fix. It's holding onto that control that's the difficult part. It's very easy to let go of it and forget about it. But by the time you're reminded that you lost your grasp, you'll look around and find that your world is gone. That nothing looks the same and everything you see isn't what you actually want.

That is what I'm fixing. I don't want to look around and see grey anymore. I want to be able to look around and see the brown tint within a very green leaf. Or look into someones eyes and be able to see past the color. I used to be able to look at someone and see the emotion that ran through them. Now, I see everything as the naked eye would see it. There's a lack of detail in everything I look at. I'm no artist, but I know detail is very important. Spotting the smallest feature within the painting could change the entire meaning. It's important to be able to open your eyes and see more than what is right in front of you. You have to look at what is offered.

So August 6th I will be moving to Tallahassee, Florida. I have possibly the coolest roommate ever. Someone I haven't even met yet. Someone completely new. But someone I've already connected with and have spoken to countless times. We get along great and we're both a lot alike. I could see us developing into great friends. Best friends, maybe. We'll see. All I know is that I'm very excited about this. It feels right. True, it is nerve wracking. I'm scared to do this because I know it's going to happen. There's no backing out of this nor somehow destroying this plan. I won't let myself. And come next week, I can't. I'll be driving up to Tallahassee with my friends Maria and Matthew to check out the apartment and sign the lease. For a year, I'll have sold my soul to the devil. But that's okay. Because it's something I need to do. I need to meet new people, new places, and new air.

I've been to Tallahassee twice in my life. Once for a college visit with Amanda, and another time to visit Amanda. But I still don't know the area. I know people from my high school, but I don't know the college campus I'll be going to, nor the restaurants or clubs. I'll know absolutely nothing. And I'm terrified. But it's also such an amazing thrill. Soon, I'll be selling my mangas and packing all my things up. I want to make sure I clean everything out, get rid of what needs to be gone, and pack everything I'll need. I'll miss my friends and family quite a bit. But I'll be back down on the holidays and for a couple weeks during the summer. People won't see me as much as they used to. I'll be down maybe 5 or 6 times a year but that's probably all I can offer until I either move back or have more funds to afford it. Another thing I'm excited for is that my mom is coming up with me when I move in. Her and Glen are going to help me bring all my stuff up and help me get settled. They weren't willing to do that when I was moving to St. Pete but that's more or less because they disagreed with the whole decision. This move is concerning not only myself growing up more, but also my education. That will be the main focus. And so they're much more supportive. My mom is happy for me and she thinks it's a great idea. Though I know she's sad as well. As am I. I'm leaving my nest and I'll no longer have my rock(strength) just a few rooms away. But that's good. Because I'll be able to further my life lessons and gain my own strength. I'll be able to become my own rock. And that's very important to me. Because that's the biggest self treasure I lost.

This is long. And I could write more. But I'm going to go listen to some Greg Laswell, stumble, and hopefully fall asleep soon considering it's 4:40 in the morning. Sleep is still an issue but everyday it gets a little bit easier. Goodnight to anyone who reads this. Or morning or afternoon. Whenever it is that you read this.

Here's the song I'm in love with currently:

The excitement from a fresh taste.

So I haven't written in a couple days but that's because I've been a bit busy. Not with anything too time consuming but enough to the point that I didn't have time to write.

Saturday night I went to a party and got wasted with my best friends. It was our friend's going away party. She's going to Italy for a few weeks and if she has a reason to party, she will. Hahaha. Then, we went to Amanda's little sister's friends house. ...It was a high school party. To put it lightly, I wasn't impressed nor entertained. And I was drunk! So what did I do? Bitch about not having cigarettes to the point that me and Matt walked up and down A1A for about an hour trying to find a shop that was open. There was no such luck. But damn it felt good! The air was crisp, the streets were clean of cars and people, and there was a certain amount of silence. Not complete silence though. Oh no. I made me and Matt jog and I was chanting "Motivation! Burning calories! Losing weight!" almost the entire time. We were in hysterics we were laughing so hard. Not only that, but both of our phones died. So no one could've reached us if they tried. Which I'm sure for Amanda sucked, but it was okay. It was nice. I felt like I was completely unreachable from the outside world.

Sunday it was mothers day. My family and myself went to an old friends house for her 80th birthday. And that was refreshing as well! I saw people I hadn't seen since I was a kid. Along with people who remembered me, but I didn't remember them. I got to spend time with my mom, my sister, my niece, my grandmother, and all the people who are close to us. People whom I consider family even if they aren't blood related. Seeing Mr. and Mrs. Elkind speak and look at each other made my heart swell with hope. Not for anything specific. Just hope in general. These two people who have been together for years and years still look and speak to one another as though they've just met. I dream of that. And seeing love like that again, because the only love I know that was like that was my nana and poppas, was refreshing. Exhilarating, even.

And today I babysat my niece. For a good eight hours I got to feed, change, play and bathe my niece. She's such a beautiful little girl and a true blessing as well. I don't know where I, or my sister, would be without this little one. She changed us all. We've grown so much closer in so many ways because of her. I truly thank god for her being in our lives.

I'll write more later. For now, I'm on my way out to enjoy the night life. And by night life, I mean do absolutely nothing with other people doing the same thing. Haha. Until later, my friends!

Even if you cannot hear my voice..

"I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth"

This place is tainted. I look around me and all I see is gray. Shadows of what we once were. Silhouettes of who we could still be. And it sickens me. I continuously find myself with my feet in the sand staring up at the blank sky that no longer makes sense. The stars don't speak to me anymore. They don't give me hope or words of wisdom. Suddenly everything is silent and all I can hear is myself screaming. Thankfully, no one else can. Everything is inside my head. I carry a face made of stone and smiles that are actually just frowns reversed.

I'm trying to be happy. I really am. It's just very hard to do in a place where I see your image on every strangers face. Your every touch, word, and emotion lingers. And it's made me dizzy. The last night I saw you, every sense was heightened. And all that surrounded me was your scent. The very scent that made my heart race the first time I laid next to you. God it was intoxicating. Sweaty palms and contentment was all I felt. I wanted nothing more than to stay that night. To finally sleep in the arms of the person who makes me shiver by the slightest touch. To sleep at all. Of course, I got used to her being around and now my body is missing that feeling. The physicality of it all is the hardest thing to get over. But it's also the feelings that came along with those moments. You never knew, but sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and look at you and think to myself how I got so lucky. And if I wasn't looking at you, I was trying to get closer. I'd pull your hands up to my heart with the hopes that even as you slept, you'd feel my heart race.

There's a lot you don't know. Like how even on the nights where I was angry, I'd turn around and kiss you as you slept. Or how I'd brush the hair behind your ear so it wouldn't get in the way of such a beautiful face. And how I'd cuddle as close as I could so I could hear your heart beat. What a beautiful sound. That was my lullaby. Even when you would start to snore, I'd look at you and smile. This was almost every night. I love you so dearly. And I admire everything about you. Even your flaws. I saw them as nothing more than another thing to love about you. Even when I started to lose myself, I still knew I wanted you. I just didn't know how to show that anymore. I felt foolish. And I felt lost. The real me would show itself when you weren't looking but I couldn't seem to keep a grasp on it once you were.

I'm not sure how or when I'll get over this. I'm not sure if I ever will. But these are the things I wish I would have told you. I'd thought about it. I'd tried writing it down for you and was going to show you through my words. But everything seemed so minuscule. Nothing seemed like it was good enough to completely match how I really felt.

Maybe one day. If there is that day. For now, I'll write it down. Piece by piece and moment by moment.

Afraid to open the door

They say that when one door closes, another door opens. Well before my life hit rock bottom, I didn't believe it. Isn't that a bit backwards?! Haha. Ya, I guess so. But I've never been one to have their head screwed on all the way. I've always been a bit twisted. Back to the damn point. My life is slowly starting to make sense again. And guess what? I'm no longer dependent on anyone. Not on Nikole, nor on my friends. I just like them to be around haha. But for the most part, I'm getting used to being by myself from time to time. It sucked at first, but I'm getting more and more used to it.

So this apparent "door" is slowly opening. It's very bittersweet though. Why? Because a new door opening means the last one is completely shut. Not only shut, but locked. And I obviously don't have a key. But I guess it's okay. Because as much as I'd love to open that door again, all that would come out is a tsunami(sorry Japan) of worms. You see, this door holds even more opportunities than the other one does. A better education, a fresh start, new people in and out of my life, and I'll be around my best friend more. I'll get to share a life with new people in a new place. I'll be able to show people the real me. I'll also be able to walk around without having any memories. Ahhh that sounds amazing!

I can only imagine my life, and myself, growing more once I'm away from everything I know and hold so dear. It will scare me, and make me feel so insignificant. But that only means there's one more thing for me to conquer. It's also another place to get hurt and be completely fucked over. And that's okay. Because that's just one more dot. I'm going to a place with completely new dots and I plan on filling my picture. I'm excited. But I'm still sad to live without you.

But it's okay. Because maybe that's what I'm supposed to do...

Tell me something new by the sunrise. Make it something I want to hear.

Anais Nin once said:
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

Well, she was right. Love doesn't just up and leave one day. You don't just wake up and stop loving someone. Over time, it starts to dwindle. Regardless of what reason, it dwindled. Mine didn't. But her's did. And I understand why. We both made this relationship end. Things were done and said on both our behalf's. I was just ignoring it all. She wasn't. She spoke up countless times and I didn't listen. And that's where she lost me. Well, actually, that's where I lost myself. And if I wasn't able to find myself, she sure as hell couldn't.

And I understand. The one thing that really tears me apart is the fact that she carries no hope what-so-ever. Where as I carry all the hope in the world. But I understand that as well. When you push someone or something away, you can't expect it to continuously to stick around. You also can't expect for it to hope for things to get better. Yes, she broke my heart. Yes, she did it in a shitty way. But she did it the way she had to. She didn't want to fight and she didn't want me to sit there and beg for her back. She just wanted to let go and move on. And as much as it still fucking kills me to think of it as over, that's exactly what it is.

I don't hate her. Nor do I dislike her. I cry about her. I lack an appetite and healthy sleep schedule because of her. But I'm also becoming myself again because of her. And she's basically doing the same exact thing. This is why I still carry hope. Because we fell in love with who we really were. Not who we became. And that, my friends, can be changed. That can be fixed. And maybe the only way to fix us, is to fix ourselves first. Completely.

Though I will admit, time and time again, I will try. I will try to show you who I am and see if I can get you back. I see it as I have nothing to lose but a potential to gain. And if I don't gain anything, then eventually I'll move on. You told me not to carry hope. To see us as completely done with absolutely no chance of happening again. Now, I could sit here and say I'll try...but it's not going to happen. I'm much too strong willed and stubborn. If fate wants me to be with someone else, I will be. But I feel like fate wants me with you. And I could be wrong. Very wrong. But what if I'm right? I'll do everything I can to help myself get over this heart break. But I'll never completely get over you. Even if I do find my "soul mate" and it's not you, and I get married and all that all crap, there will always be a corner in my heart for you. But as of right now, my heart says differently. I won't chase you, but I will fight for you. Just at an arms length. You are my little foot and I'd love to be 80 and still call you that.

I'd also love to sing our song together. Our stupid, cute, childish little song that I miss ever so much singing with you before we'd sleep.

We'll see. Time will tell.

Within the hands of fate...

Call it what it may seem. Foolish, stupid, masochistic, whatever your brain may tell you. But if her friendship is all I can be granted with, I will accept. Because if fate wants us together, we will be. If it doesn't, I will move on. Regardless of whether she's in my life or not. But as of right now, she is my love. And my heart tells me I'll be hers again as well. Just not today. And so I'll grow further into who I really am and take this as a lesson. A lesson to teach not only to myself, but to others as well. To people willing to listen and hear the sad details of a love lost. But I don't consider her lost. I see it as a temporary absence. And maybe it is. Maybe it's not. Either way, my heart will blossom again. And so will I. I've found myself once more. But there is more that needs to be found. Pieces I must find on my own time within my own mind. And so fate, I hand it over to you now. Lead me to where I must be. And if our hearts should find each other again, we'll know what must be done and how to approach it the right way. The REAL way. Till then, my dear. 

Goodbye

I tried. I know I had messed up before. One day I was one thing, the next day I was something else. But today, and tomorrow, and the next, I know who I am again. I know who I can be without you. And I will be.

But I tried to be me with you still in my life. To be your friend and you be mine. I didn't want to lose you completely. Because regardless of everything, you're a piece of me. You were even before I met you. And that's why I met you, and spoke to you. You always told me things happen for a reason. But you're the one walking away from the place we met. We met as friends. And I wanted to start there again. To go back to our safe place. Our happy place.

But you don't. You want me to have nothing to do with you.

Fine. I won't. Maybe I'll see you somewhere down the road. And maybe I won't. I just hope you realize that you're being childish as well. And you are running. From everything. It's too bad no one is willing to say anything to your face except me. Who just so happens to be the one person you won't talk to. But I'm sure at some point you'll think back and see something you could've done differently. Or maybe you won't. Maybe you'll continuously do the same shit over and over.

Goodbye beautiful disaster. I'll be around whenever you feel like you're not "tired" anymore. Though, life is always tiring. So good luck with that mission. See ya on the other side.

Rain in the hollow drain...

Tonight I find myself thinking deeper than usual. Today wasn't a bad day. Not at all. I hung out with friends, threw back a few beers, and even got to cause some damage within an abandoned building. I let a lot out today. But now, all I hear is rain and the faint hum of the television in the background. Everything is suddenly cloudy again. Is it because I'm alone? No. That can't be it. I've been alone. And I've been okay. Sure, it hurts a bit more than being out, but I've been okay. It's not that I'm a disaster. I'm not crying or anything like that.

The emotion that's running through me is nostalgia and emptiness. The longer I go without speaking to her, the more I feel is missing from my life. As much as she hurt me, sometimes I just want to call her and talk to her about my day. I also want her to tell me all about hers. I want us to be able to talk for hours about everything and anything. And I know we could. That's a fact. Because we've done it before. I know it stopped for a while. We lost sight of everything around us. But as the days go by, I continuously find myself. Piece by piece I'm becoming myself again. But I keep feeling like there's something missing.

But here's the improvement. When we were together and I started to smother her, when she wasn't around, I constantly felt like I was missing something. I don't feel like that anymore. I don't feel as though I need her around every single moment of my day. But I do feel like I need her. At some point. Whether it be at some point in every day, every other day, or every few days. All I do absolutely know is that I need her. There's just one step I need to figure out. I need to know whether I need her as a lover, or if a friendship would suffice. Of course I would love to have both. But right now, neither of us need that. I guess that's another improvement? Admitting that it wouldn't be wise to jump back into anything.

We need time. We need to gather ourselves again. Separately. If we were to try and do things together, we wouldn't be able to piece it all together. We would be too busy trying to re-build us, and taking care of each other, that we would just go back to old bad habits. I'm not saying I don't want to be with her. I still do. I think a part of me always will. But right now would be very unwise. I know I'm speaking as if she wanted to be with me in the first place. I know she doesn't. But I do. And so I'm strictly writing from my perspective.

I just miss hearing her voice and hearing our conversations. I miss being able to lay down and just talk and talk and talk. And I know that's something we could gain again. Maybe we will. I won't hope for it, but I know there's always a chance. I just hope I'm able to talk to her the same way we used to, one day. Doesn't have to be today or anytime soon. I just hope she'll let me in again. She won't lock me out. And I hope I'll let her in as well. I hope I don't see her and automatically close the door in her face.

"Despite everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank. Also, my hero and idol. Thank you for passing on your words and giving my life meaning. Even when things don't make sense. You changed my life and the outlook I have on the world.

Tiny dots...

Someone once said that life is too short to worry about the small things. Well, I disagree. You see, the small things are what help us become who we want to be. Those tiny dots in your life, when viewed from another angle, make a complete picture. And all those spaces in-between are the moments we haven’t had yet. But if life is so short and fragile, why fight how you feel? Why should we lock away the emotions that float through us? Shouldn’t we allow them to spill out and potentially change someone else’s life? For me, if I were to die tomorrow, I would want to know that my picture will hold no spaces. It would only carry a tremendous amount of tiny dots that grew into a masterpiece. And if I get hurt from it all, atleast I can add one more dot. One more lesson. One more moment that has already been had.

There will be no spaces in my frame.

Live every moment

Someone once said that life is too short to worry about the small things. Well, I disagree. You see, the small things are what help us become who we want to be. Those tiny dots in your life, when viewed from another angle, make a complete picture. And all those spaces in-between are the moments we haven’t had yet. But if life is so short and fragile, why fight how you feel? Why should we lock away the emotions that float through us? Shouldn’t we allow them to spill out and potentially change someone else’s life? For me, if I were to die tomorrow, I would want to know that my picture will hold no spaces. It would only carry a tremendous amount of tiny dots that grew into a masterpiece. And if I get hurt from it all, atleast I can add one more dot. One more lesson. One more moment that has already been had.

There will be no spaces in my frame.