Blind sighted

You know you have it bad when the person has done absolutely nothing and yet, the thought of them drives you wild. Remembering. That's all it takes. Remember the feeling of their face against your hand, the way you'd swiftly move your fingers through their hair, the scent on their breath that lured you in. No matter how bad it would seem to anyone else, to you, it was addicting. I remember the way you would laugh at my stupid jokes or my lack of observance. The times when your eyes met mine and we'd know exactly what was going through our head. Those moments when we'd turn to each other and just stare at one another with devotion and love. But there's so much more than that.

I remember being wrapped in your arms and thinking to myself "I can't wait to hear this same heart beat when I'm old and senile." I also remember when we were healthy. When communication was no problem and space was a given. The days we'd spend without each other, and the night's we'd spend together discussing everything we had missed. The pictures that were taken separately and shown together. All those nights we would stay up talking about the most random, but deep, contradictions. I remember it all as though it was just yesterday.

I would give anything to go back and relive those moments. To not only relive, but to continue doing correctly. If it meant giving a limb, I'd give them all. If it meant giving up a sense, I would generously hand them all over. Call me desperate if you'd like. Pathetic, childish, needy, etc. But I am none of those things. I am independent. I am outspoken. I am everything I was before. But this time, I am more experienced. I am everything I should be at this point in my life. I am just a simple girl with a whole lot to give and who knows what she wants.

And I know that just because I want something doesn't mean I'm going to get it. I have no expectations for it to happen. I have hope. But I've learned how to carry hope without expectations. Towards the end of our relationship, I wasn't balanced. I'd lost sight of not only myself, but everything else in my life. I felt nothing but anger and depression. But it wasn't your fault. There is no blame here. You may have broken it off, but it's still not your fault. I'm so sick of people telling me how I should be angry with you or angry about the situation. Who am I to point fingers when my hands are nowhere near clean? There is no blame nor convicts here. Nor are there martyrs or saints. Just two simple people who messed up and got stuck in a whirlpool of bad habits.

But that's okay. Because it was a lesson to both of us. You may not be the relationship type. Whether it be right now or forever. And that's just fine. You'll live your life the way that makes you happy. As for me, I'm moving on. I'm living my life. I'm smiling, laughing, and enjoying every moment of it. But there's still a piece that's missing. With every smile, there's a moment of hesitation that my heart seems to throw into the mix. I'm not going to chase you and I'm not going to fight for you. As much as I love you and want to be with you, I shouldn't have to convince someone to be with me. Especially when you don't even want to be in a relationship. And like I said, that's okay. If I'm supposed to be by your side, the universe will place me there. As it will with you.

So I guess this is just a small goodbye with a possible see you later. For now you are my friend, and maybe one day again you'll be my lover. But I cannot sit by and try to be like the others. I have to live and be happy. Whether it be on my own, with you, or with someone else. Tallahassee has a lot of people, a lot of places, and a lot to offer. And so maybe I will meet someone else. Or, maybe you'll somehow end up by my side. Things in life are beyond our power. We can try to control it all we want, but either way, we end up where we belong.

I hope you get whatever it is that you're looking for. Even if you're not looking for anything right now, you will be someday. And I hope you get it.

Sincerely,
Me.