Anais Nin once said:
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."
Well, she was right. Love doesn't just up and leave one day. You don't just wake up and stop loving someone. Over time, it starts to dwindle. Regardless of what reason, it dwindled. Mine didn't. But her's did. And I understand why. We both made this relationship end. Things were done and said on both our behalf's. I was just ignoring it all. She wasn't. She spoke up countless times and I didn't listen. And that's where she lost me. Well, actually, that's where I lost myself. And if I wasn't able to find myself, she sure as hell couldn't.
And I understand. The one thing that really tears me apart is the fact that she carries no hope what-so-ever. Where as I carry all the hope in the world. But I understand that as well. When you push someone or something away, you can't expect it to continuously to stick around. You also can't expect for it to hope for things to get better. Yes, she broke my heart. Yes, she did it in a shitty way. But she did it the way she had to. She didn't want to fight and she didn't want me to sit there and beg for her back. She just wanted to let go and move on. And as much as it still fucking kills me to think of it as over, that's exactly what it is.
I don't hate her. Nor do I dislike her. I cry about her. I lack an appetite and healthy sleep schedule because of her. But I'm also becoming myself again because of her. And she's basically doing the same exact thing. This is why I still carry hope. Because we fell in love with who we really were. Not who we became. And that, my friends, can be changed. That can be fixed. And maybe the only way to fix us, is to fix ourselves first. Completely.
Though I will admit, time and time again, I will try. I will try to show you who I am and see if I can get you back. I see it as I have nothing to lose but a potential to gain. And if I don't gain anything, then eventually I'll move on. You told me not to carry hope. To see us as completely done with absolutely no chance of happening again. Now, I could sit here and say I'll try...but it's not going to happen. I'm much too strong willed and stubborn. If fate wants me to be with someone else, I will be. But I feel like fate wants me with you. And I could be wrong. Very wrong. But what if I'm right? I'll do everything I can to help myself get over this heart break. But I'll never completely get over you. Even if I do find my "soul mate" and it's not you, and I get married and all that all crap, there will always be a corner in my heart for you. But as of right now, my heart says differently. I won't chase you, but I will fight for you. Just at an arms length. You are my little foot and I'd love to be 80 and still call you that.
I'd also love to sing our song together. Our stupid, cute, childish little song that I miss ever so much singing with you before we'd sleep.
We'll see. Time will tell.
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