I've never been the most secure person. I've always felt that whatever I did was never good enough. That it could be done better. Or differently, and then better. Regardless, I don't think I've ever had a thought in my head when what I was doing was enough. But I've never been a real over achiever either. I tried my best and if it didn't work, I'd give up. I wasn't going to stress myself over something that wasn't going to completely change my life.
And I've always wondered where these thoughts came from. These insecurities about everything. My clothes, my attitude, my life, what I'm going to do with my life, my friends, the places I hang out, the things I do....Every step I take, I'm hit with a new insecurity. A new thing to worry about. There is never a time to relax. And when there is, all I can think about is what I have to do the next day. Or the next week. Or the next year. SHUT THE FUCK UP!
I know shit works how it does. There's bills and other shit to worry about. But guess what? I'm still fucking young! Let me live my goddamn life! It's not my fucking fault you had to grow up quick and get your shit together. It's yours. I'm not trying to be a dick or anything, but I'm not getting knocked up anytime soon, or addicted to drugs and alcohol, or anything else! I've been going to school and for a bit I was doing pretty well. Sure, I got a slightly off path but doesn't everyone at some point? Please do not point your fingers at me when your hands are nowhere near clean. I know you want me to be successful and happy, but I'm going to make mistakes. And it doesn't help when they're constantly rubbed in my face. If anything, it pushes me down further.
All my life, you have told me I could do anything I wanted to do. So then why is it that now that I'm older and grown, I can't do anything right? I can't go to school for theater because you don't support it. I can't go and have a beer with my friends without you worrying that I'm going to be drunk and become an alcoholic. I have constantly walked on fucking eggshells just to make sure everyone else is happy. That's why I dye my hair and get piercings and tattoos in places people can see. Because if it's one thing you can't control, it's my body.
I have tried to make you people proud many times. But when you sit there and look at me as though I'm 30 but treat me like I'm 12, of course I get bent out of shape. I love my family. I really do. But to be entirely honest with myself and anyone else who reads this, they're the reason why I'm leaving. You see, as much as Nikole hurt me, she listened. And if she didn't understand, she tried to. But you guys don't. If you don't understand, it's automatically "Okay Kelsey. You're always right and you have an excuse for everything."
Why is it that everything I say and do is an excuse? You know how many suicide letters I have written simply stating that I would love to end the excuses. I'm not afraid of death. I honestly don't care what happens to me so long as I'm living in the present and I'm happy with the moments. Just...get the fuck out of my zone. Let me do me. Life is too short and I'm sick of living for everyone else but me.
It's pretty disheartening when you realize that your family is the main reason for your insecurities. I guess that's just how they are. And that's fine. But that's not who I am. Nor who I'm going to be. Tallahassee is where my life will be new. Fresh. And everything will once again make sense. I'm not running away from anyone or anything. I'm just trying to get myself back the only way I know how. And that's to start different..
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