So a lot of opportunities have come forth in my life. Though, I guess I had to lose a lot in order for them to happen. I lost my girlfriend, my job, and myself. But I guess you have to hit rock bottom before you can actually climb back up. You can't stop yourself from falling if you have nothing left to hold onto. And that's okay. Because I realized I don't need to hold onto anything. I got so dependent on the people around me that I forgot how to handle things on my own. And that's where it all comes into fruition. Sometimes the only person you have is yourself. But once you lose that, you lose everything. Well my friends, I sure as hell did. But now I'm gaining a lot from it. I'm gaining back friendships I thought were lost, I'm gaining back family that I basically put on the back burner, and I'm also gaining myself back. I still don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I also have time to figure that out. And I'm sure at some point I'll realize exactly what it is.
The only thing I'm sure about is what I did wrong. And this time, I'm not saying what I did wrong to or with Nikole. I'm stating what I did wrong to myself. How I completely forgot about what Kelsey wanted and who she was. I put myself on the back burner. That's something I didn't think was possible. Not for me anyway. Only because that's something that has never happened to me. I've strayed, sure. But I've never been completely lost. I'm pretty sure that's what made this all so hard. I couldn't even fathom moving on because I didn't know how. I didn't know Kelsey anymore and how she controls bad situations. So I went a bit crazy. Desperate, even. And let me tell you, even coming from me, that's the biggest turn off ever. If you want something to be desperate, dependent, and have a constant puppy face, well...get a fuckin' puppy. Haha.
But in all seriousness, I'm happy to say I'm almost there. There's of course a lot I still have to learn about myself again, but day by day I learn and realize something new. And instead of it being sad, I'm starting to like it. I like that I can walk around or drive by myself and feel completely okay about it. I get to sing until my throat hurts, or completely embrace the silence around me. I get to be whoever and whatever I want to be when I'm alone. There are no rules or regulations. Mind you, I'm not just speaking about single. I'm just stating in general, even when I'm not around friends, there's still no judgment but my own. And I think that's the most important part of it all. If you can look yourself in the mirror and not like who you see, then there's something wrong. You need to fix whatever it is that's making you unhappy. Whether it be your makeup, your weight, or your inner thoughts. Everyone has the potential to control whatever it is that they want to fix. It's holding onto that control that's the difficult part. It's very easy to let go of it and forget about it. But by the time you're reminded that you lost your grasp, you'll look around and find that your world is gone. That nothing looks the same and everything you see isn't what you actually want.
That is what I'm fixing. I don't want to look around and see grey anymore. I want to be able to look around and see the brown tint within a very green leaf. Or look into someones eyes and be able to see past the color. I used to be able to look at someone and see the emotion that ran through them. Now, I see everything as the naked eye would see it. There's a lack of detail in everything I look at. I'm no artist, but I know detail is very important. Spotting the smallest feature within the painting could change the entire meaning. It's important to be able to open your eyes and see more than what is right in front of you. You have to look at what is offered.
So August 6th I will be moving to Tallahassee, Florida. I have possibly the coolest roommate ever. Someone I haven't even met yet. Someone completely new. But someone I've already connected with and have spoken to countless times. We get along great and we're both a lot alike. I could see us developing into great friends. Best friends, maybe. We'll see. All I know is that I'm very excited about this. It feels right. True, it is nerve wracking. I'm scared to do this because I know it's going to happen. There's no backing out of this nor somehow destroying this plan. I won't let myself. And come next week, I can't. I'll be driving up to Tallahassee with my friends Maria and Matthew to check out the apartment and sign the lease. For a year, I'll have sold my soul to the devil. But that's okay. Because it's something I need to do. I need to meet new people, new places, and new air.
I've been to Tallahassee twice in my life. Once for a college visit with Amanda, and another time to visit Amanda. But I still don't know the area. I know people from my high school, but I don't know the college campus I'll be going to, nor the restaurants or clubs. I'll know absolutely nothing. And I'm terrified. But it's also such an amazing thrill. Soon, I'll be selling my mangas and packing all my things up. I want to make sure I clean everything out, get rid of what needs to be gone, and pack everything I'll need. I'll miss my friends and family quite a bit. But I'll be back down on the holidays and for a couple weeks during the summer. People won't see me as much as they used to. I'll be down maybe 5 or 6 times a year but that's probably all I can offer until I either move back or have more funds to afford it. Another thing I'm excited for is that my mom is coming up with me when I move in. Her and Glen are going to help me bring all my stuff up and help me get settled. They weren't willing to do that when I was moving to St. Pete but that's more or less because they disagreed with the whole decision. This move is concerning not only myself growing up more, but also my education. That will be the main focus. And so they're much more supportive. My mom is happy for me and she thinks it's a great idea. Though I know she's sad as well. As am I. I'm leaving my nest and I'll no longer have my rock(strength) just a few rooms away. But that's good. Because I'll be able to further my life lessons and gain my own strength. I'll be able to become my own rock. And that's very important to me. Because that's the biggest self treasure I lost.
This is long. And I could write more. But I'm going to go listen to some Greg Laswell, stumble, and hopefully fall asleep soon considering it's 4:40 in the morning. Sleep is still an issue but everyday it gets a little bit easier. Goodnight to anyone who reads this. Or morning or afternoon. Whenever it is that you read this.
Here's the song I'm in love with currently:
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