Tonight I find myself thinking deeper than usual. Today wasn't a bad day. Not at all. I hung out with friends, threw back a few beers, and even got to cause some damage within an abandoned building. I let a lot out today. But now, all I hear is rain and the faint hum of the television in the background. Everything is suddenly cloudy again. Is it because I'm alone? No. That can't be it. I've been alone. And I've been okay. Sure, it hurts a bit more than being out, but I've been okay. It's not that I'm a disaster. I'm not crying or anything like that.
The emotion that's running through me is nostalgia and emptiness. The longer I go without speaking to her, the more I feel is missing from my life. As much as she hurt me, sometimes I just want to call her and talk to her about my day. I also want her to tell me all about hers. I want us to be able to talk for hours about everything and anything. And I know we could. That's a fact. Because we've done it before. I know it stopped for a while. We lost sight of everything around us. But as the days go by, I continuously find myself. Piece by piece I'm becoming myself again. But I keep feeling like there's something missing.
But here's the improvement. When we were together and I started to smother her, when she wasn't around, I constantly felt like I was missing something. I don't feel like that anymore. I don't feel as though I need her around every single moment of my day. But I do feel like I need her. At some point. Whether it be at some point in every day, every other day, or every few days. All I do absolutely know is that I need her. There's just one step I need to figure out. I need to know whether I need her as a lover, or if a friendship would suffice. Of course I would love to have both. But right now, neither of us need that. I guess that's another improvement? Admitting that it wouldn't be wise to jump back into anything.
We need time. We need to gather ourselves again. Separately. If we were to try and do things together, we wouldn't be able to piece it all together. We would be too busy trying to re-build us, and taking care of each other, that we would just go back to old bad habits. I'm not saying I don't want to be with her. I still do. I think a part of me always will. But right now would be very unwise. I know I'm speaking as if she wanted to be with me in the first place. I know she doesn't. But I do. And so I'm strictly writing from my perspective.
I just miss hearing her voice and hearing our conversations. I miss being able to lay down and just talk and talk and talk. And I know that's something we could gain again. Maybe we will. I won't hope for it, but I know there's always a chance. I just hope I'm able to talk to her the same way we used to, one day. Doesn't have to be today or anytime soon. I just hope she'll let me in again. She won't lock me out. And I hope I'll let her in as well. I hope I don't see her and automatically close the door in her face.
"Despite everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank. Also, my hero and idol. Thank you for passing on your words and giving my life meaning. Even when things don't make sense. You changed my life and the outlook I have on the world.
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