This place is tainted. I look around me and all I see is gray. Shadows of what we once were. Silhouettes of who we could still be. And it sickens me. I continuously find myself with my feet in the sand staring up at the blank sky that no longer makes sense. The stars don't speak to me anymore. They don't give me hope or words of wisdom. Suddenly everything is silent and all I can hear is myself screaming. Thankfully, no one else can. Everything is inside my head. I carry a face made of stone and smiles that are actually just frowns reversed.
I'm trying to be happy. I really am. It's just very hard to do in a place where I see your image on every strangers face. Your every touch, word, and emotion lingers. And it's made me dizzy. The last night I saw you, every sense was heightened. And all that surrounded me was your scent. The very scent that made my heart race the first time I laid next to you. God it was intoxicating. Sweaty palms and contentment was all I felt. I wanted nothing more than to stay that night. To finally sleep in the arms of the person who makes me shiver by the slightest touch. To sleep at all. Of course, I got used to her being around and now my body is missing that feeling. The physicality of it all is the hardest thing to get over. But it's also the feelings that came along with those moments. You never knew, but sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and look at you and think to myself how I got so lucky. And if I wasn't looking at you, I was trying to get closer. I'd pull your hands up to my heart with the hopes that even as you slept, you'd feel my heart race.
There's a lot you don't know. Like how even on the nights where I was angry, I'd turn around and kiss you as you slept. Or how I'd brush the hair behind your ear so it wouldn't get in the way of such a beautiful face. And how I'd cuddle as close as I could so I could hear your heart beat. What a beautiful sound. That was my lullaby. Even when you would start to snore, I'd look at you and smile. This was almost every night. I love you so dearly. And I admire everything about you. Even your flaws. I saw them as nothing more than another thing to love about you. Even when I started to lose myself, I still knew I wanted you. I just didn't know how to show that anymore. I felt foolish. And I felt lost. The real me would show itself when you weren't looking but I couldn't seem to keep a grasp on it once you were.
I'm not sure how or when I'll get over this. I'm not sure if I ever will. But these are the things I wish I would have told you. I'd thought about it. I'd tried writing it down for you and was going to show you through my words. But everything seemed so minuscule. Nothing seemed like it was good enough to completely match how I really felt.
Maybe one day. If there is that day. For now, I'll write it down. Piece by piece and moment by moment.
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