I've gotten rid of every other feeling except the one that just won't disappear. It leaves me breathless when it decides to speak. It tells me; no, it screams at me, that we'll be together again. That this is just a point in our lives that we both needed. For a while, I blamed myself for majority of our problems. And a part of me still does. But I can finally say that we both fucked up. There were bits and pieces scattered all around us and instead of finding a solution, we just kicked them out of our way. We screwed up. People do that. And sometimes you have to lose something to figure out just how important they are to you. You did that in December. And I came back. This time, it's me. I have to try and get you back.
But do you want it? Probably not. Does that mean you really don't want it? Who knows. Only you know. But you would have to be completely honest with yourself to figure that out. You would have to unleash every single feeling and find out which one overrules the other. I've already figured that out. I know I could live without you. I know I could find someone better. Someone who won't just up and leave because they're sick of dealing with the bullshit.
Now here's the thing. I don't want better. I don't want worse. I don't want my dream girl or anyone else. I want you. I want you and all your flaws. I want you in every single way possible. The good, the bad, the neutral. I want it all. I want you to be the very last person I kiss. The very last person I make love to. My last everything. And maybe you don't want that from me. But who's to say you never will? I'm not going to wait for you to find out. I'll do my best to show you we could be something amazing. Something incredible. But you would have to see that as well. And until you do, then I won't have an answer. I'm okay with being patient. I'm not the needy, clingy, childish person you knew. I'm a much more refined and mature person now. I love myself now. I think I'm pretty fucking awesome. But I do have flaws.
I'm not going to hold myself back from anything. If I want something, I'm fucking going for it! Why shouldn't I? I could die tomorrow and would have lived a life unfulfilled. Obviously, it wouldn't matter much because I would be dead but even in death, I'd like to look back at my life and know I did everything I believed in.
And my dear, I believe in you. I believe in us. And most importantly, I believe in myself. I know I move in August, and maybe I'm an idiot for wanting something I won't be around to embrace very often, but I could see it working. You see, if you want something that badly, you'll do anything to get it. You will find a way to move the mountains and clear the clouds.
I love you that much. I would destroy the heavens if it meant I could reach you and kiss you and tell you just how much I love you.
I'm not going anywhere. But I'm not going to chase you either. Take all the space you want. I'm fine with it. Honestly. You have my heart. And yes, I've said that line plenty of times. Not only to you but I'm sure to others as well. The only difference between you and the rest of the world is that you're the girl I want. I don't need you. But I want you. And that's a feeling that I just can't erase. I'm in love with you. Not only me, but so is every fiber of my being. You'll see. And you'll either take it as a re-opening for us or you'll still feel the way you do now. However that is. Because I really don't know. I hope you have even the slightest inkling of how I feel. But you very well might not. And that's fine.
Just keep in mind that you have someone who loves you. Who is willing to put up with each and every one of your flaws. No matter how small or how great. People can call me stupid for doing this all they want. But they don't know me the way you do. And they don't know us they way we know each other. I'm not giving up just yet. I've tried. But my heart, mind, soul, everything just will not allow it. And if everything really does happen for a reason, then maybe its how I'm supposed to feel. We'll see.
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