This about sums it up.

Now I'm told that this is life.

We all learn from the mistakes me make. We’re taught that as kids, if we touch something hot, we’re bound to be burned. We’re also taught that if we keep making the same mistakes over and over again, we’re fools. We’re stubborn. We try so hard to fit in with what others are doing that we lose sight of ourselves. What we’re not taught is that love works the same way as everything else. If you get too close to quick, you’ll end up with nothing but scars and crappy memories that haunt everything that you do.

You see, you grow up watching movies and reading books that fulfill every fantasy craving you have. But that’s all they are. Fantasy. And as you get older, you find yourself wanting to be wrapped in that fantasy. To have someone walk in your life and automatically know they’ll never leave. To know that no matter how hard things get, they’ll stick around.

Well, I thought I had that. For once in my life, I thought I had found someone who would stick through it with me. Who wouldn’t up and leave me like so many others have. But unfortunately, I was wrong. I truly thought that this one time, would be the last time. She would be my very last kiss, my last anything, for the rest of my days. And you know what? I was happy with that idea. Actually, no. I was ecstatic about that.

I don’t care how many times I say it. I could repeat myself every single minute of every single day. She was the love of my life. The most beautiful thing my eyes have ever come across. All her imperfections she saw, I saw as nothing but beauty. Complete and utter beauty. I just never expressed it. I didn’t know how. How do you tell someone that every time you look at them, everything disappears? That all your worries in life are suddenly nothing but a memory? I saw that with her.

But it wasn’t only what my eyes saw. It’s also what my heart saw. I saw a future with this girl. A long, healthy, and prosperous future. Kids, a job, a home, a real family. One that was crazy, dysfunctional and perfect. And maybe one day that will really happen. Maybe it will be with her. Or maybe someone will come walking into my life that just knocks the air out of me. But here’s the problem…

When she walked into my life, I was winded. All the air I carried in my lungs was knocked out just by the sight of her eyes. Her hair, her lips, her nose, her ears, her hands; Everything about her intoxicates me. She is by far the most dangerous, but safest, person I have ever wanted in my life. And that’s why I’m so torn.
I wish I would have told you all of this before…I love you is simply an understatement of how I really feel.

Let go

I've spoken about how torn I am. And I'll admit, I'm still battling that feeling. But....I'm letting you go. I won't fight for you. You won't hear from me, see me, or know anything about me. I want so badly to fight for you. But knowing you, it would only push you away. Knowing you, it would end in me hurting again. Or still. And so, I'd rather let go, grieve the loss, and move on. I'll find someone better. Someone who loves me for me and will stick around when shit gets rough. Someone who won't just get tired and give up.

Someone who won't make me do anything.

And maybe one day that person will be you again. The real you. The you that I know and love. But right now, you're not her. Right now, you're just an image. But Nikole is in hiding. And my heart had to be broken as a result of it.

I'd be lying if I said I hope you're happy. I hope you're hurt. But I hope you become happy someday. I hope you understand what I'm saying. I say it because it's true. Whether you agree or not.

Goodbye little foot. It was nice while it lasted...


There's more I'd like to say. Actually say. They're more like questions. But they're things that happened between the two of us that is no one else's business. Moments that were ours and only ours...

Call me if you ever feel like talking. Or if you wonder what it is that I'm talking about. Or how I'm doing. What I'm going to do with my life. I love you...

A consistent tragedy

Even my body doesn't know what to do with itself. It doesn't sleep until it passes out, and then it wakes up shaking and sick. Every single morning. And why? Because it lost it's match. When I say match, I mean it. Every time we held hands or moved, we'd move in sync. Our hands would fit. Our lips felt perfect once they touched and so did everything else.

The longer I'm away from you, the more crazy I seem to get. But I guess this is all part of the process.

I miss you. And I so badly wish to see you. But I won't initiate that act just because if I were to see you right now, I feel as though you would be cold. Distant. Completely ignoring the fact that we ever were a couple. You say you're afraid it will give me false hope. Well, I beg to differ. It will just show me what you hide from everyone else. Because I know you are. I know you've shoved it down so deep by now that it comes in pieces. You don't even feel the weight of it all. You've tuned it out. And I hope one day you stop doing that. Because that's why we lost ourselves. Why we became the way we did and why we lost our communication. You shoved your feelings down and so did I.

But I'm never doing that again. If I wanted to be a body without a soul, I would kill myself. I would rather grieve, and hurt, and get angry than have no emotion at all. Because you were important. You were real. You're still real. And just as important. You mean everything to me without completely blinding me from the rest of the world.

I love you. And I miss you.

Repercussions

I'm so torn. I promised you I would fight for you. But should I? You told me you don't want to be with me. But what if that changes? I want to talk to you, but at the same time I want you to talk to me. I want you to call me and just say "I'm picking you up." I want you to tell me you need me in your life. Either as your girlfriend or your friend. I just want you to initiate some sort of meeting. Some sort of conversation. I want to as well. But I don't feel as though I should. I tried. And I did. But you didn't want any of it.

It kills me to not talk to you. To not hang out with you or see you. You're such a big part of life. Not only as a lover, but also as a friend. You're my other half either way. And I hate that I lost all of that. Again. This is why I feel like we'd be good together. Hard, but great nonetheless. Because you're my other half. You complete me in ways no one else can. You also talk to me in ways no one else can. I know you have other people to surround yourself with. More so than I do that's for sure. But I can't help but want to meet up and just talk. Just see you and feel you next to me. Though I know that would be torture. I know that I would want to kiss you and hold you and be engulfed in your presence.

I wonder if you feel the same. I think you do. But that might just be wishful thinking.

I'm always going to be around. As hurt as I am, if you find yourself missing me and needing me in any way, you know how to get a hold of me....I'll never fully leave you. I don't think I could even if I wanted to..

"Look me in the heart and unbreak broken...it won't happen"

Today has been rough. One minute I'm fine, the next minute I'm wanting to pull my hair out and scream at anyone who speaks to me. I have so many misunderstandings for this breakup. But I know it all comes down to one thing. You don't want to be with me.

But why not? Because we're toxic to eachother? I disagree. Sure, at times we were. But so the fuck is everyone else! Look at the people around you, around me, around us! No one is perfect. People will have an entire month of fighting but you know what? They deal with it. And why? Because they love that person. And I know you love me. It's just sad that you don't have it in you to try. You don't want to. Why not? Because it takes too much work? Because we broke up once before? The last time we broke up was for the same reasons as well. They're called rocks in the road, speed bumps, obstacles, whatever you want to call them. But you don't leave someone because of them. You work through them and they make the relationship stronger. The people stronger. It also allows the people to know who and what the other person likes. A year and a half seemed like a while, but it's not.

Every single person has them. So whatever it is that you're looking for, good luck. Because our relationship was not bad. It was actually a pretty fucking good one. And believe me. I've spoken to multiple people about it and they all agree. But it takes 2 people to continue a relationship. And 1 person backed out. 1 person had enough and said fuck it. But why? If you still love someone you don't just say fuck it. You don't give up when the going gets hard. You work the fuck through it. So why was I the only one able to see that? Because as real as you are, you're also quite blind...

I'm just having a hard time putting together everything you told me to have it make sense. 2 weeks you felt like this. Okay. Got it. That sucks. But you don't just stop loving someone in 2 weeks. Nor do you decide to cancel and let go of every plan you each had made. You also don't forget the promises. But I was warned. I jumped back into this last time. And people warned me to be careful. And I thought I was. But I also trusted you. You had someone sit there and trust every word that came out of your mouth and still does! Even now! You have fucking torn me to pieces and I'm still here trying to defend you, to find the good in you. But why should I? What good have you shown me? Plenty. But you've also shown me plenty of bad as well. And hey, guess what, I still didn't run! I didn't leave and I didn't numb myself or be cold towards you. I admitted what I did wrong and tried to work through it. You didn't. You shoved it all down until it built up and exploded. Stop shaking the bottle and waiting to see how far until it bursts. Just open it and allow some to flow over. Once it's done flowing over, things always settle. But you don't give it that chance...

Point is, I really hope you don't hurt anyone else. And for some reason, I still think we're meant to be. But that could just be pathetic romance Kelsey talking. Either way, find who you are. Who you really are. Let go of bad habits and stick to your promises. You know that I know you. I know things about you that others don't. And you know that. And that's why I'm saying this. I don't know if you'll read this or not. And I don't really care either way. I'm writing it for me. To release my pent up anger and sorrow. But...I know who you can be.Who you want to be. With or without me in your life. And I know who you're being right now. Be who you truly want to be. Stop looking around yourself and saying "well this is how they are and this is how I'll be." Because that's bullshit. You get to pick and choose the way your life goes. I only hope you choose the one that will make you really happy. Not just somewhat content.

I should hate you...but I don't. And I never will. I just can't have someone in my life who shattered me to pieces and also brought me down enough to question my own sanity. My own soul. If you ever have anything to say, you know where to find me. <3

Goodbye doesn't always mean goodbye. Sometime's it just means see you around.

Tonight is the first night that I can't look at you. I can't check your facebook, text you, nothing. There is no contact between us and I don't know how long it will be like this. It could be a week, a month, a year, or forever. I'm not really sure. What makes this so difficult to do is the fact that you knew me better than anyone else. I told you things I've never told anyone. You knew my deepest darkest secrets and I had to let go of you. And that's what kills.

You see, I love you. I was willing to put up with you. But you only found reasons to leave. No reasons to stay. I, on the other hand, regardless of everything, always found reasons to stay. And why? Because I love you that much. But that's a love that has to leave me. I can't hold on to something that doesn't want to stick around. Nor even try to. Everyone has their issues. I definitely do. But I was willing to help you through yours. To be there and deal with it all. Who else is going to do that? But then again, maybe you'll find someone that your issues won't even come into play. And a part of me hopes you do. Another part of me hopes it will be me. Just somewhere in the future.

We both need to find ourselves. What I mean by that, is that we need to find who we are again while we're alone. Without leaning on each other. And I'm sorry, but I couldn't handle the possibility of you leaning on me for anything right now. If you were to lean, I'd try to hold you until the rest of our days. But if I were to hold you, you'd make me feel like I was holding you down. And I don't want to feel bad for loving someone that strongly. I don't deserve it. So, I had to leave. I had to say goodbye. I need to heal. Properly. And by trying to be your friend so soon, I would have stayed latched onto you. And I refuse to be another leech in your life. I also refuse to be around when it's convenient. You're not a bad person. Not at all. You're a great person. Amazing even. But you have a lot of things to work on that only you can overcome. It's just that you would have to see that for yourself. And I'm not so sure you do.

I don't hate you. And I hold nothing against you. Well, somewhat. I am bitter. I'm trying not to be but I'd be lying if I said I was perfectly fine. I'm definitely not. One thing that hurts me the most, is the fact that on May 6th, you'll be having a party. To celebrate the fact that you're staying home. Where as I, if anyone were to say "hey lets party on that day!" I'd look at them dumbfounded. I would yell and scream about how that day would not be a day to celebrate. That's a day that's going to hurt. So will the 11th. They're both days that I'm sure I'm going to be quite a mess. But I'll be alright. I'll get over you, move on, and one day find someone else who will look at me and deal with my bullshit. To call me out on it right away and make me listen. Because when you're in a relationship, that's what you do. Even if it may upset the other person, you don't let things get worse and you don't hold it all down. You bring it out in the open and try to find a solution right away. And if that doesn't work, well then atleast you know you did it the right way.

I love you. I always will. And if you ever need me, you know where to find me. But I need to love myself again. I need to gain back my self esteem and not feel bad about voicing my opinion or disagreements. And maybe after all that, we'll find each other again. If the universe wants us together, we will be. If not, then I'll find the right girl another day. Not today, and definitely not anytime soon. But one day. So for now, I wish you the best, my love. But my love, no longer. If you ever need me desperately for anything, I'm a phone call away. But I can't be there like you want me to right now. Just like you can't be there like I want you to right now...

What happened to "We're going to make this quick and painless" ???

Sleeping without you isn't too tough anymore. I passed out last night. Though that could just be because I haven't been sleeping and so my body was exhausted. It's waking up without you around that makes me feel sick. Every morning I fight heavy waves of nausea because you're not the first thing I see. And I'm trying to accept it. I'm trying to accept that you'll never be the first thing I see every morning and every night. But I do miss it. Everything about me misses you.

And it makes me wonder. Do you miss it too? Do you have the same problem? I know you have a problem sleeping but what about the mornings? Do you open your eyes and realize you're seeing anything but me? That you'll never look at me as you wake up and kiss me good morning? Because that's all I can feel every morning. The lack of the life that I want so bad right now. The lack of the life that I didn't realize I loved so much.

And what about your day? I know you keep yourself busy with friends, family, and school, but what about once you're alone? When everything becomes silent and you find yourself with absolutely no distractions. Do you think of me? Of texting me? Of calling me? Of hanging out with me?

I know what you(the reader) must be thinking. "Why does it matter?"

It doesn't. I guess it would just be nice to know I'm not the only one battling a giant pain in my chest and a knot in my throat that has the potential to choke me. To know that I was important to you...

Sounds stupid and pathetic. But I'll write what I want or whatever I need to feel better. And since I'm trying to get rid of the morning sickness, I'll be writing every morning I'm sure.

Transitions are never easy

This is a poem that may not rhyme.
It's also a poem all about time.

The time between us, and the things we did,
Were never lost or had to be hid.

I held them in the palms of my hands,
So wherever I went, they could kiss the sands.

Every footprint we left behind,
Is marked in cement in case we rewind.

You made a decision that was suitable for you,
And now I'm left not knowing what to do.

I find myself hoping for a sudden change.
A new and more beautiful romantic exchange.

I know it is possible, for anything is.
I pray and hope for this.

But I'll have to stray, to keep me sane.
To get rid and demolish all of this pain.

My heart is still yours...

But maybe one day I'll get it back.

Short

Why is it that now that we're done, I want so badly to tell her how beautiful she is? How amazing her lips feel, how her laugh makes my heart race and the sound of her voice calms every nerve in my body? How when she would grab my hand, my heart skipped a beat. Every single time. That when she would look at me, I felt more loved than I ever have in my entire life.

Why does my heart want to scream out everything I love about her now?? Now that it's too late?! Thanks for listening brain, heart and gut. We should've done this all sooner. I know it's not all my fault. But I can't help but think of everything I could've done to change things.

Who knew I would ever be this hung up on someone. Damnit. I know I shouldn't be beating myself up. I know that. I do. I'm not an idiot. But how the fuck am I supposed to feel when I lost the girl I loved due to being a stubborn asshole about everything and not listening to what she was saying?! I heard her. Sure. It's easy to hear someone speak. But I stopped listening! I'm so sorry my love. I wish I could take it all back. Maybe that's why this hurts so bad. The one person I NEVER wanted to hurt, ever, I ended up hurting the most. I changed. And I would give anything to make up for it.

All in due time, maybe. We'll see.

This is a pathetic post but hey, it's my blog. I'm just releasing.

Is brea liom tu...

Split

Last night we talked. At first, it was fine. We were just hanging out, laughing, enjoying eachothers company. But then we got heavy. We spoke about us. I told her how I felt and how different I am now. How I am me again. I expressed myself honestly in every way. And I admit that my hopes were a bit too high. I was sincerely hoping for a second chance. Ya know. She had hers, I thought I'd get mine. But I guess things don't work out that way.

She didn't want to do it. She didn't want to try. She doesn't want to be with me and I understand better now as to why. She seems to like this Kelsey a lot better than the other one. And I'm happy about that because this is who I really am. But I still can't call her my girlfriend. I can't call her my anything. And my, does it hurt. It's not killing me. And it's not completely destroying me. But there's restrictions now. I found myself wanting to kiss her more than I ever have. Wanting to say "Baby I love you. I missed you so much." But I can't. I can't do anything.

I'm happy I got to see her and hang out with her. And we had one last night together. We cuddled a little. But it was very distant cuddling. I was battling two voices. One saying "It's your last night. Cuddle to your hearts content." And then the other saying "This is going to make things worse. You're going to wake up and hate yourself." Well...I'm still battling. I barely slept because I spent majority of the night crying or thinking, but it felt so good to have her close like that again. But then again, it felt horrible. I felt like every fiber of my being was being stabbed with pins and needles.

I want to be her friend. I want to atleast try to be her friend. Because what if this is all part of the plan? Not my plan of course. But life's plan. I see that everything happens for a reason. But there's still so much of me screaming that we're not only meant to be friends. That we're good for eachother. Why? Because we bring not only the best, but the worst out of each other. But she was right. One thing she said last night was that I have made a big improvement on myself within the past four days, but what if it doesn't stick around? What if she were to jump back into things and then we become how we were before? Very true.

So maybe being friends is best. Maybe this is the only way we'll be able to be together. And if not, then maybe this is just what's supposed to happen. Maybe we are supposed to only be friends. I don't know. And it kills me that I don't know. But maybe that's how its supposed to be. I'm always trying to find an answer or solution to everything. Maybe this will teach me that not everything has an answer. Not everything has a solution. Some things just are, and some things just aren't. Right now, me and Nikole just aren't. But who's to say we never will be? I carry hope still. And believe me when I say that she must be something special considering I'm sticking around. I've never run from a relationship but whenever someone did something to hurt me, I told them to fuck off and I moved on.

For some reason, I can't do that with her. I literally can't. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone. That has to mean something right? I'm not saying it means she's my soul mate. There's plenty of people out there and I believe everyone has more than one soul mate. But I also believe we get to kind of pick and choose our fate. I want my fate to consist of sharing a life with Nikole. If it never happens, well, I guess it won't happen. I'm not saying I'm going to wait for her, but then again...I'm sure a part of me always will. Nikole has been through plenty of relationships and some of them were important. I don't know if I'm more important, less important, or equally important as the other ones, but to me, she's top of the list. My #1 love that I unfortunately lost.

I'm not going to chase her. But I'm not going to stop trying either. What I mean by that is, I'll see what happens. If time continues to pass and I continue to have these feelings, maybe I'll act on it. Maybe I won't. All I know is that I love her in more ways than I could ever try to express. To anyone. Or anything for that matter. I could write the most beautiful poem that could be read for days...but it would never compare. And coming from someone who leans on writing and reading and any sort of creativity to express an emotion, that means a lot.

I love you. And I know you love me too. Though the outcome isn't what I wanted it to be, it did feel amazing to be around you. And to be somewhat wrapped up in you. Time will tell where we're supposed to be. Whether we like it or not. I will always dove you, little foot...

On a day like today..

Today was Easter. The day Jesus rose again and all that good stuff. I know I don't sound like much of a believer, but I am. But today, a lot of different things were supposed to happen that didn't happen. The original plan was that I was going to have dinner with my family, and then go to Nikole's house and have dinner with hers. It's a given that it didn't go as planned. And it kind of hurts. I love Nikole. And I love her family. I just didn't realize how much I loved her family until this whole ordeal happened.

You see, Nikole has one thing I never had. People constantly around. Yes I have my own family, but we're not quite as close knit as Nik's family is. And it sucks. Because even if I didn't show it, I was really looking forward to becoming a part of her family one day. Oh! Revelation comin' at ya.

Like I said, I love her family as much as I love her. But...I kind of kept her from them. For a while, I loved being at her house. I never really liked being home. I would volunteer to go to her house and hang out. But then I started to get miserable. Angry, even. And why? Because she had everything I didn't. She had things that I wished I had. I didn't know I wished I had it until I was introduced to it. It is a bit chaotic at times but isn't that what a family is supposed to be like? People who drive you absolutely crazy but you love them regardless? Well, I have that part. But I don't have family to hang out with. To bond with. And that made me jealous. Hey green giant! How's it goin!?

This is something I never told her. I never told her how much I wanted to be a part of her family or how much they meant to me. Why didn't I? Because I felt attached. And that scares me. I have never gotten so attached to someone's family before. Even Mariska. I was with her for a year and sure I had them on facebook, but did we talk? No. Maybe a "Hey how are you?" every now and then but that's really about it. And I think that is what's making this so hard. Because right now, I won't be a part of that family. I won't be seen as family. I'll simply be seen as Nikole's ex. Blech. I hate that word. "Ex"

Not only that, but I so dearly wanted her to be a part of mine someday as well. My family is a lot different from her's though. We're close, but really only on the holidays. We don't call to see how anyone is doing, or how works going, school, etc. I so badly wanted our families to merge one day. To all get to know each other and say that is our family. A huge jambalaya of different people.

And that's what I mean when I say I saw things with her I never saw with anyone. I never saw a significant others family as one of my own, or even joining my family. I just always saw it as two seperate lives. With Nikole, I saw two lives with the ability to merge into one. A beautiful, chaotic, strange family tree that we could all love. Together.

There's much more in my heart as to why I want to be with her. And I'm sure at some point I'll write it down. People may not understand me for being like this. For being so passive about this whole thing. And for still carrying some hope. And that's okay. Because you're not me. You'll never fully understand what I mean or say. But Nikole did. Even when I tried lying to her about it. She was right. Almost every time. And I want her back. So I'll try. But I'll try with no expectations and no guarantees.

Revelation #2. Or 5. Or 7. I'm not counting.

Oh what a day. Worked the longest 5 hour shift EVER! Even my supervisor was dying to leave haha. Not only that, but I got hit on. I don't know what happens when you're single, but I definitely don't want to be hit on right now. Sure it's flattering, but you're not the person I want so back off. K thanks! Haha.

But on to the heavy. So within those 5 hours, I had time to think and re-evaluate myself. And this is what I realized. All those times I said "Oh, I understand you need your space." or "I know. You need to hang out with your friends. I get it." Um...where was the I in all of this? What about Kelsey? Well, I wasn't thinking of myself. At all, obviously. I was thinking of her. And only her. That's unhealthy. And creepy. It's understandable to think of your significant other a bit more than other people around you. But that's the thing. It should only be a bit.

You shouldn't revolve your world around them. Because more than likely, they're not going to revolve around yours. And who would? There would be no cycle. Just a constant game of back and forth to the same routine. Yes, yes, once you're with someone things start to become a bit routine. But ah, there's that word again. A bit. Well folks, I went over a bit. I was full speed all up in her grill and business. Blech. Seriously, thinking about it, really makes me feel slightly sick to my stomach.

I know who I am again. And I know who I became. I wasn't myself and why would she want to be with someone who wasn't being who they were before? I get it. I do. And like I said in previous blogs, I'm going to try my hardest to keep the promise I made. But the promise and actions that I gave out have to be proven wrong. I have to show the real Kels again. I'm not sure how I'll do that. But I will try.

Why am I trying, you might ask? Well. My gut is telling me to. My heart is telling me to. Even my brain is telling me to!! But I'm also being smart about it. I'm taking it slow and not rushing. This time, I'm not only giving her space, but I'm also giving myself space. I need to become myself again. And until I can fully say "Hey! I'm here! I'm back! Sup!" then it's obviously not time.

We'll see how things play out. But either way, I'm going to live. I still love her. Deeply. And I would do anything for her. But she was right. Neither of us should have to change in order to be together. Well, I changed. I didn't change for her or because of her. I literally transformed into a demon and someone who should be locked away in a room with padded walls and maybe a restraining coat. Kinky! But truly, that's who I became. But that's not who I am. It was more of a temporary loss of sanity. But I am recovering. I'm taking my meds and I've stopped writing(hitting) on the walls. I'm also not angry anymore. Like...at all. About anything. I'm learning how to control my thoughts, temptations, and anger. And I'm proud to say I'm doing a pretty damn good job.

I just hope you let me show all this to you. I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for myself. But it would be absolutely amazing to show you the same girl you originally fell in love with. And show you that she's not going away this time. The real Kelsey is back, baby! And I'll say that a million trillion(multiplied by 5) times.

Ohhhh mornings!

Mornings are definitely hard. Nights are hard too but I can deal with sleeping without her. I don't like it. But I can deal with it. Mornings, however, just mean another day of not talking to her. Of not asking how her day is going, or meeting up at her house and kissing and holding eachother after a few days apart. And it sucks. Royally. I would give my all for that to happen. But I don't believe it's going to. So for now, I'll be faced with long nights and worshipping the porcelain god every morning. And I don't even have to drink alcohol! Yay me!

We'll see what happens. I made a promise to her as well. She may have forgotten about it, but I didn't. And I'm going to try and keep that promise..

That's all I've got for today. Have a good one!

What a revelation!

Clarity, I think, is an amazing thing. I've been so enclosed that I didn't give myself the time to even have a revelation. I locked in all my sorrows and pretended that the tears weren't real. Gross. Let me tell you how much that helped. Not a damn bit! I was so focused on what had happened that I lacked sight to see what was going on right now! Right now, things suck. Yes. Right now, nothing may make sense. Yes. Right now, I should not be sitting in a room by myself! Yes! There ya go Kels! Wallowing in self pity is something a teenager going through puberty does. Not what an adult does. Granted, everyone has their own way of dealing with things. But not me. That is the last thing I need right now. So what did I do? I went out. I tried to see a movie, couldn't keep still. But that's okay.

Just because one thing doesn't work does not mean nothing will work. So, I went to the hardrock. I didn't get in anywhere. I didn't drink. But what I did do, was I opened my eyes. Not only my eyes though. I also opened up my ears. I opened them enough to hear what the positive side of Kelsey was saying. And holy shit. I wish I would've listened sooner. But that's okay. Because I listened now.

See, what my problems were(and once again, I am not saying the break up was completely my fault. I'm only stating MY faults.) I was clingy. I was obnoxious. I was jealous. Over nothing, mind you! And because of that jealousy and insecurity, I smothered her. How gross! I wouldn't have dated myself. Ding ding ding. There's the factor in all of this. If you sit there and doubt yourself as someone to be with, how do you suppose someone else is going to put up with you? If I wanted to constantly have to worry about someone else's happiness and well being, I'm pretty sure I'd cut myself and jump into a pool of salt. I'm pretty sure that would make me feel more at ease than taking care of a kid. A kid! That's what I was acting like! I know, I know, I've done the same thing before. But hey, I'm only human!

People make mistakes. Sometimes small mistakes, sometimes big mistakes, and sometimes medium mistakes. Let me tell you, I was nowhere near balanced. I started off balanced buttt then I started wiggling all over the place, knocking shit over, and all hell broke loose. And when you start to get wild like that, things tend to break. Well, things definitely broke. But it also depends on how you look at the mess. You can either see it as something broken that can never be fixed. Or, you can try to find the fucking glue and try to piece it back together. Now here's the usual question people ponder. "What if there's pieces missing?" Who cares?!?! No one is perfect. The pieces that are missing are meant to be filled later! If you were meant to rebuild everything right now, you would have! But maybe you're not. Maybe you need a few days, weeks, months, years, whatever, to finally build up a masterpiece. I know I'm not garbage. I am definitely far from it. But that doesn't make me perfect. Not in the least. I am definitely all kinds of fucked up. But that doesn't mean I should lay all that baggage on someone else.

When things come into fruition, it means its time to rebuild. It's time to figure out where you fucked up and how you can fix it. And if you can't fix it, then you have to figure out a way to build a different road for yourself. Well, I've got a lot of plans ahead of me. Some of them may work out, and some of them may not. Only time and patience(and confidence) will tell. But I've considered both outcomes.All of which will not kill me.

Realizing all of this and writing about it helped me open my eyes even wider. I can't wait to see what life brings me. Bad. Good. Neutral. Whatever it hands me, I'll be sure to try and make it into something beautiful. Actually. I won't try. I will.

Oh me, oh my.

It's amazing what pictures can do! Some people might think I'm crazy by saying that looking at pics of me and Nikole together actually relieved me. Instead of it making me sad, it made me realize just how bitter and low I had become. I'm not saying its her fault. I'm saying that I was so caught up in her and only her that I went crazyyyyy. Haha. Completely bonkers! But by seeing those photos, I was able to see the old Kelsey. The real Kelsey. And I cannot wait to be her again! It's too bad that I won't be able to share my real self again with Nikole, but I'll get over it at somepoint. Right now may suck, but the future I'm sure has plenty of opportunities.

Though, I am sad I'll never be able to show Nikole who I'm becoming again. I'm becoming the same girl she fell in love with. And it feels great! But I'm sure, due to my past behavior, she would think I'm doing this all just to get her back or grovel or some shit. Absolutely not. Not this time. This time it's allll me. And I am staying this way, baby! I got that stick out of my ass and it's staying out. I hope one day you'll be able to see me like this. Maybe then...well...just maybe.

Spring cleaning?

Today I've come across multiple items she forgot and/or left behind. I get it that she forgot things. She was probably in a rush to get out of my house before I got home. Which I still think was a pretty shitty move. Way to stab me in the heart AND the back. But, she did apologize. And I do forgive her. Everyone has their own reason for doing things the way they do. Even if they are pretty fucked up. But what I don't understand is leaving behind gifts or items that were given to her. I get that we're not together anymore. I get that you got sick and tired of trying.(Well, partially) but don't leave gifts that I gave you behind. No matter how big or small. They will always be yours. Never mine.

Another thing I don't understand is how is the breaker going to be angry at me? I understand I ask a question and it may be sensitive but you don't think it hurts asking in the first place? That even texting you doesn't hurt? It's like there's glass laying on the floor and I'm slamming my face into it. It actually feels pretty unbearable. But I do what I gotta do to get shit done. I'm being as adult as I can be about this.

Point is, she hurt me. She hurt me bad. And I think I'm started to feel angry about it. I'm starting to feel sick about the fact I took her back in the first place. But I needed to know if we would work. And here I am, still wondering if we would. If she would just suck it up and give it all another try. To do things different this time. Not fresh, not from scratch. That's non-existent. But different. Just so we could do things right this time. A friend told me this once. "Sometimes people stray from eachother. It happens. Sometimes they stray so far that they lose their way and don't come back. But sometimes, sometimes they turn around and realize what they left behind. They realize they made a mistake. But maybe it wasn't a mistake. Maybe it was fate working it's magic to remind you both that you love eachother. That life without the other will go unfulfilled." Wow. Well that's not confusing! It's basically saying the risk is yours to take. You can either risk getting your heart broken over and over again with the same person. OR you can risk getting your heart broken again with someone else. OR you can leave everything behind and find someone new. And they might be the one for you.

Well fuck. Hello options, goodbye sanity. I'm not even sure which one I'd prefer! But this isn't only my battle. It's hers as well. This time I'm calling the shots in my life. I won't have anyone else dictate what I should and shouldn't do. I guess we both have the ball in our court. We'll see...

Dreams

I think dreams are the most dangerous things when it comes to heartbreak. You spend your whole day doing everything in your power to not think about this person. To make sure you don't contact them or even FEEL like contacting them. Then, it's time for bed. And for once, you're actually tired. And so you sleep. But as soon as your close your eyes, a manifestation of beautiful dreams hit you. Sadly, you don't want those beautiful dreams. You don't want to feel amazing while you sleep, and shitty once you wake up. That's how I feel right now.

My dreams last night were all about Nikole. They varied from us still being together, to her dating someone else, to us finding eachother again years later and falling head over heels for eachother. Which is fine. But here's the part that kills. In every dream, you find yourself doing something that you wish you could do now. I dreamed of kissing her, of holding her, of grabbing her from behind and her saying "mmm behbay!" like she did. All night I had those dreams. And now...I wake up sick. I wake up feeling nauseous, dizzy, confused, sad, etc.

I can't help but hope I'll come home and you'll be on my doorstep. Or my car will be covered with notes saying I'm sorry, I love you, Forgive me, etc. I cant help but WANT to forgive you and have us cry and kiss while we hold eachother. Like we did before. And I know we could. So long as we kept ourselves like this. To stay our true selves. I know I could. I have no doubts. No worries. But you do. I miss you anyway...

I wish. I wonder. But I wish I didn't, and I wonder when I won't. And I hope to stop hoping.

Life in its ugliest form.

I'm writing. I'm writing because I'm not sure what else to do. I've cleaned, I've seen friends, I've read, I've TRIED to eat but it didn't stay down for very long. It's been one mangy day and it feels like it's been forever. Though, I am proud of myself. I haven't texted her. I haven't called her. I haven't looked at our pictures that are still on my phone. I haven't been torturing myself. And I must say that's a pretty decent step towards recovery. You see, I kind of view this as an addiction. I'm having withdrawals. I'm shaky, sick, carrying around a pair of bloodshot eyes and a look of someone empty. But like every addict, I'll pass this. I'll be able to focus on myself and what I need this time. I won't allow myself to get so carried away in someone elses life. See, that's where I fucked up. I had such a tunnel vision going that all I saw was me and Nikole. Together. Not me, nikole, AND me and nikole. I had this problem before with her. And I stopped it once. I'm stopping it again. And this time, I've made a true promise to myself to never become like that with anyone ever again. Regardless of whether it's someone else, or if it's Nikole again.

It's not healthy. It's exactly what caused this turnout. Now, I'm not saying it's completely my fault. We both had issues that needed some repairs. Not a change. I would never change her. I love(maybe loved?) her for who she is. But there's definitely some bits missing from both of us. And I was willing to grab a wrench and replace whatever pieces we were missing. But ah, don't things suck when it's only one sided? She wasn't willing to do that. She didn't want to try anymore. And I don't hate her for it. I wish I could. I pray that I'll be able to be angry about this. Maybe it would help me to get over her faster. Or maybe it would just make me vengeful. I have so many people telling me I should be angry. But nope. Not sweet, kind, compassion Kels. Here I am still defending her. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and wishing only good will on her. Who does that?

Who comes home to an empty room and a broken heart, only to wish the best of luck to the person who did the damage? -Raises hand- This guy. But I've considered all options. I've thought of her never coming back again. And it hurts. It's a pain that makes me feel like I'm dying. But here's the improvement. I know I'm not. I know I'll live through this and look back and know what I should and shouldn't do. I'll remember the pain and continuously use it as a boost to help me through whatever else I fall into. Except this time, I'll get up when I fall. I wont grovel in the dirt and beg for someone to be with me who obviously doesn't have it in them to try anymore. But like I said, I have thought of options. I've thought of her coming back like she did before. And I know exactly what I would say and do. It wouldn't be like last time. Oh no. A ring would not get me back this time. Here's the thing. Last time, I made her prove that she loved me still. This time, I wouldn't make anyone prove anything. I'm not even sure if I'd even CONSIDER taking her back. I may be done with this and just not know it yet. But instead of having the other person prove their worth, I'd make sure it was a team effort. That we both would be able to say, and show, that we love eachother. Till the end this time. No giving up and no running away. I'm not saying she'll come back. I don't think she will. And that's fine.

Because as of right now, I'm done. I won't be fooled three times. And I still have work to do. I need a lot of me time to figure out what is it that I really want in life again. Who I want to be and how I want to do it. I need to focus on myself and love myself before I jump into anything. Whether it be with Nikole, or another person out there. All I know is that if I'm thankful for one thing, it's that by her doing this, I'm stronger. I have learned. Again. And surprisingly, it hurts more than the first time. But I do know that I'll be okay. I just have to chase away these voices and gain control. And hold onto that control.(that's my biggest problem) But this time, I will do it. No more hopes. I WILL make this happen. And I will NEVER allow myself to be an attached psycho who completely forgot about her friends. Which sadly, I did. And I could never be more sorry for doing so. It was my fault. I became a bit psychotic. I not only smothered the girl I loved with my shit, but I also basically held her down by her throat. Gross. What a sick person I became. But not anymore and never again. Kelsey is back. She's here for good. And she won't ever be that ugly demon again.

I do miss you. And I do love you. I'm still IN love with you. And maybe one day we'll find eachother again. Maybe. I could be writing something completely different in a week. But as of right now, it's a maybe. And even though you hurt me more than anyone else ever has, I'll always be around. I'll be there when you absolutely need me to be. But I can't give you a friendship. It would be fake. And no one deserves to have someone stick around feeding them false information while having an ulterior motive. But maybe one day I'll be able to. Maybe...

Oh silly me

Funny, isn't it? That just 2 days ago I wrote a blog stating how amazing my girlfriend is...and now..here I am...telling you all she broke up with me. Again. Funny. I don't have much to write today. I just hope she'll realize that she needs to stop running from everything. It's not me that she can't handle. It's the battles. Everyone has the potential to handle the people around them. It's the BAGGAGE that comes with people that everyone runs from. Pitty. You were such a beautiful sight to see everyday. But I guess, everything always has an ugly side. And I've seen yours for the last time. I wish you a good life, my love. But my love, no longer.

Blank stares at blank pages

I'm not too sure what's been going on with me. With me? Maybe with us. Us? Maybe everything. But like I said, I truly have no clue whats going on. You see, I've been very angry lately. Angry and marred. I know most of it is probably stress, but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I never hang out with anyone anymore. I don't get away and vent, or go out with the girls to dinner and just talk. It's not Nikole's fault, mind you. I just don't have as many friends as I used to.

I lost a friend of mine not too long ago. And no, not to death. She was going through a very rough time. She had her heart broken and her emotions were all jumbled. So, she decided to drink. Now, I do understand that everyone has their own way of coping. I do. But I saw someone I cared about so very deeply break down every ounce beauty that they carried. And I couldn't handle it. It killed me to see my best friend do that to herself. And though I felt such a large amount of pain, I shoved it all down. I went on as life was okay. As though everything was as it were. But it wasn't. Nothing was the same. I, myself, was not the same. I started to become very angry. Very resentful. Towards everything and everyone.

I never hurt anyone though. I didn't drink, do drugs, or any other substance to cause harm. Well, if you include a lot of smoking, then sure,  did a shit ton of damage. But see, these are all physical. You can feel, or see, or touch the destruction. What I didn't notice was that I was hurting someone emotionally. I was unleashing all my demons on my significant other. I was constantly arguing and battling over the most minuscule moment. It didn't matter what it was, I had to feel superior in some way. But I was also scared. Scared that someone else would leave me and I would have no one. Even if it meant making that other person miserable. Now, like I said, I didn't realize I was doing this until recently. But alas, if you shake a bottle of soda, at some point it's going to burst. And my did it burst.

So many emotions caught up in a bubble of misery allowed it to go on this long. And so, we talked. We talked! What a great idea that is. Why was I oblivious to such a simple solution in the first place? Because I allowed myself to be blind. I was so caught up in the dark of things, that I completely ignored every speck of light that was granted. You see, the thread I had attached was far too close for comfort. I had become nothing more than a miserable leech sucking away the good in her. And let me tell you, she's by far the most amazing woman I've ever come across. ESPECIALLY if she can put up with my shit. I'm not easy to live with, mind you. So once again, she amazed me again.

She didn't leave. She strayed, yes, but she didn't leave. The solution is simple. Well, sounds simple. We need space. We need to not be attached at the hip. At first, I knew it was a good thing. But I wasn't completely happy with it. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted someone to share my misery. But how selfish of a person! Just because it's pouring on my side, does not mean I have to steal another person's umbrella. And so, I told her to go. To go and have fun with her family, her friends, anyone that could steal her attention other than I. As for me, I went out and saw friends. I saw a few people I hadn't seen in a while and what a breath of fresh air it was. To hear and see another person laugh and smile and rejoice at the fact their within great company!

It may have taken me a while, my dear, but I see what needs to be done. What WILL be done. And though I'm sure we'll come across more rocks in the road, I am happy that I get to pick them up and skip them across the waters with you. You are my sanity within my insane moments. And I promise to try and be yours as well. I truly love you in every way, shape, and form. And though the words may be simple and come across routine...I love you more than I could ever love anyone else. I am yours, and yours only, for as long as you want me.

As for anyone else reading this, expect to hear more from me. I've found out the hard way that living without some sort of outlet can actually fry the brain. My vocabulary has gone WAY downhill and has also cost me my sanity. For the time being, that is. But I am back. And instead of HOPEFULLY staying this way, I WILL stay this way. I won't transform into a demon of misery and anger. If I wanted to become like my father, he would still be in my life to this day. No. I'll become my mother. An angel most times, a demon when needed. But always compassionate and understanding regardless of what's going on. Thanks for reading.