Split

Last night we talked. At first, it was fine. We were just hanging out, laughing, enjoying eachothers company. But then we got heavy. We spoke about us. I told her how I felt and how different I am now. How I am me again. I expressed myself honestly in every way. And I admit that my hopes were a bit too high. I was sincerely hoping for a second chance. Ya know. She had hers, I thought I'd get mine. But I guess things don't work out that way.

She didn't want to do it. She didn't want to try. She doesn't want to be with me and I understand better now as to why. She seems to like this Kelsey a lot better than the other one. And I'm happy about that because this is who I really am. But I still can't call her my girlfriend. I can't call her my anything. And my, does it hurt. It's not killing me. And it's not completely destroying me. But there's restrictions now. I found myself wanting to kiss her more than I ever have. Wanting to say "Baby I love you. I missed you so much." But I can't. I can't do anything.

I'm happy I got to see her and hang out with her. And we had one last night together. We cuddled a little. But it was very distant cuddling. I was battling two voices. One saying "It's your last night. Cuddle to your hearts content." And then the other saying "This is going to make things worse. You're going to wake up and hate yourself." Well...I'm still battling. I barely slept because I spent majority of the night crying or thinking, but it felt so good to have her close like that again. But then again, it felt horrible. I felt like every fiber of my being was being stabbed with pins and needles.

I want to be her friend. I want to atleast try to be her friend. Because what if this is all part of the plan? Not my plan of course. But life's plan. I see that everything happens for a reason. But there's still so much of me screaming that we're not only meant to be friends. That we're good for eachother. Why? Because we bring not only the best, but the worst out of each other. But she was right. One thing she said last night was that I have made a big improvement on myself within the past four days, but what if it doesn't stick around? What if she were to jump back into things and then we become how we were before? Very true.

So maybe being friends is best. Maybe this is the only way we'll be able to be together. And if not, then maybe this is just what's supposed to happen. Maybe we are supposed to only be friends. I don't know. And it kills me that I don't know. But maybe that's how its supposed to be. I'm always trying to find an answer or solution to everything. Maybe this will teach me that not everything has an answer. Not everything has a solution. Some things just are, and some things just aren't. Right now, me and Nikole just aren't. But who's to say we never will be? I carry hope still. And believe me when I say that she must be something special considering I'm sticking around. I've never run from a relationship but whenever someone did something to hurt me, I told them to fuck off and I moved on.

For some reason, I can't do that with her. I literally can't. I love her more than I ever thought I could love anyone. That has to mean something right? I'm not saying it means she's my soul mate. There's plenty of people out there and I believe everyone has more than one soul mate. But I also believe we get to kind of pick and choose our fate. I want my fate to consist of sharing a life with Nikole. If it never happens, well, I guess it won't happen. I'm not saying I'm going to wait for her, but then again...I'm sure a part of me always will. Nikole has been through plenty of relationships and some of them were important. I don't know if I'm more important, less important, or equally important as the other ones, but to me, she's top of the list. My #1 love that I unfortunately lost.

I'm not going to chase her. But I'm not going to stop trying either. What I mean by that is, I'll see what happens. If time continues to pass and I continue to have these feelings, maybe I'll act on it. Maybe I won't. All I know is that I love her in more ways than I could ever try to express. To anyone. Or anything for that matter. I could write the most beautiful poem that could be read for days...but it would never compare. And coming from someone who leans on writing and reading and any sort of creativity to express an emotion, that means a lot.

I love you. And I know you love me too. Though the outcome isn't what I wanted it to be, it did feel amazing to be around you. And to be somewhat wrapped up in you. Time will tell where we're supposed to be. Whether we like it or not. I will always dove you, little foot...