What a revelation!

Clarity, I think, is an amazing thing. I've been so enclosed that I didn't give myself the time to even have a revelation. I locked in all my sorrows and pretended that the tears weren't real. Gross. Let me tell you how much that helped. Not a damn bit! I was so focused on what had happened that I lacked sight to see what was going on right now! Right now, things suck. Yes. Right now, nothing may make sense. Yes. Right now, I should not be sitting in a room by myself! Yes! There ya go Kels! Wallowing in self pity is something a teenager going through puberty does. Not what an adult does. Granted, everyone has their own way of dealing with things. But not me. That is the last thing I need right now. So what did I do? I went out. I tried to see a movie, couldn't keep still. But that's okay.

Just because one thing doesn't work does not mean nothing will work. So, I went to the hardrock. I didn't get in anywhere. I didn't drink. But what I did do, was I opened my eyes. Not only my eyes though. I also opened up my ears. I opened them enough to hear what the positive side of Kelsey was saying. And holy shit. I wish I would've listened sooner. But that's okay. Because I listened now.

See, what my problems were(and once again, I am not saying the break up was completely my fault. I'm only stating MY faults.) I was clingy. I was obnoxious. I was jealous. Over nothing, mind you! And because of that jealousy and insecurity, I smothered her. How gross! I wouldn't have dated myself. Ding ding ding. There's the factor in all of this. If you sit there and doubt yourself as someone to be with, how do you suppose someone else is going to put up with you? If I wanted to constantly have to worry about someone else's happiness and well being, I'm pretty sure I'd cut myself and jump into a pool of salt. I'm pretty sure that would make me feel more at ease than taking care of a kid. A kid! That's what I was acting like! I know, I know, I've done the same thing before. But hey, I'm only human!

People make mistakes. Sometimes small mistakes, sometimes big mistakes, and sometimes medium mistakes. Let me tell you, I was nowhere near balanced. I started off balanced buttt then I started wiggling all over the place, knocking shit over, and all hell broke loose. And when you start to get wild like that, things tend to break. Well, things definitely broke. But it also depends on how you look at the mess. You can either see it as something broken that can never be fixed. Or, you can try to find the fucking glue and try to piece it back together. Now here's the usual question people ponder. "What if there's pieces missing?" Who cares?!?! No one is perfect. The pieces that are missing are meant to be filled later! If you were meant to rebuild everything right now, you would have! But maybe you're not. Maybe you need a few days, weeks, months, years, whatever, to finally build up a masterpiece. I know I'm not garbage. I am definitely far from it. But that doesn't make me perfect. Not in the least. I am definitely all kinds of fucked up. But that doesn't mean I should lay all that baggage on someone else.

When things come into fruition, it means its time to rebuild. It's time to figure out where you fucked up and how you can fix it. And if you can't fix it, then you have to figure out a way to build a different road for yourself. Well, I've got a lot of plans ahead of me. Some of them may work out, and some of them may not. Only time and patience(and confidence) will tell. But I've considered both outcomes.All of which will not kill me.

Realizing all of this and writing about it helped me open my eyes even wider. I can't wait to see what life brings me. Bad. Good. Neutral. Whatever it hands me, I'll be sure to try and make it into something beautiful. Actually. I won't try. I will.